Heading to Prison-Children????

[meme48915]

Im going to Federal Prison. Not sure exactly how long yet, but at least 2 years. I have 2 boys age 2 & 6. The youngest ones dad (my Husband)is in prison for 10 more years. I dont know what Im going to do!!! Im not worried about "doing" the time myself, but Im so worried about my kids. They have been through enough.
For anyone thats been locked up and has kids out here, how do you deal with it?? Im worried about how I will handle it when Im in there. Do you ever get even a second of relief from the thoughts of your kids??? I dont think I will be able to stay sane.

[max*b*free]

Meme,
Having to do time sucks. This I know for a fact. As you said, your concern is for your kids. That's cool. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. There is nothing you can do about this situation except use it to your advantage in raising your kids. If it was me, I would sit my kids down and let them know that I did a wrong thing and I'm getting punished for it. Using this as a teaching expeirience is one of the things you can do to use it to your advantage. The last thing I would do is lie t othem about where I'm going or why. Letting my kids see for theirselves that there is a right and wrong way of life can change a kids potential in life. I'd also be sure and keep a diary of what ever they tell you about friends and family. This way you can remind yourself things when they refer to them in letters or phone calls. That's my 2 cents worth. Good luck and stay strong.

[FriscoLady]

Meme,

It is 2:17 in the morning and I have to be up for work by 4:30 otherwise I would answer now. I have been in your shoes and I think Max has pretty much summed it up. However, I do want to give you my thoughts and experiences as I went through this.

Just rest assured that you will remain sane, I was and am an absolute doting mother and my three children and I got through it, I know you will. Though I attest my children were my strength they are who kept me going. More later.

Will post more tonight after I get home from work.

Stay strong,

Patti

[bellakrys]

I am going to be incarcerated. Not sure right now for how long or when, but I know it is coming. I have talked to my children. Two are on their owne, but I still have one at home. Currently my exhusband is aware of my situation and is trying to take custody of her. She knows my situation and wants to stay with me until I have to go. I am so worried about what is going to happen to her and me. I am afraid of what to expect and what will happen when I am finally out. Any advise? I told my daughter that if she wants to stay I would fight for her, but am I doing the right thing? Is it selfish of me? I cry everyday. How do I proceed?

[FriscoLady]

I don't have any answers really.

I am not going to pretend that it is going to be easy for you guys, I can tell you this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your lives - it was for me. And I just kinda relived it when a friend was sentenced and taken on the 8th. Lot of memories - lots of tears.

My children were older 11, 16, and 23. My oldest I really did not worry about because she was already married and in University in Tel Aviv. My 16 year old well, he was and is the (or thinks he is) the man of the family and had to play John Wayne for his Mom. He did not break down until the night I was taken and then my Mom sat with him all night. My baby, always will be my baby though she will be 21 on September 5th and is a Mom already herself. Her I worried about she was 11 then.

I can tell you I cried every night from the day I was arrested to the the day I was sentenced and then some.

But looking back I can tell you this, we made it through and we are now much closer to each other because of that time.

What did I do for my children? Well my 11 year old was with me when the crime was committed, I was trying to defend her.

After my parents posted bail and I was home the first thing I did was explain to her that what I did was wrong and that like her when she did something wrong I would have to be punished. Just as Max stated. Now she had to go, just like your kids through allot and against my better judgment about following my Dad's advice - when she requested to be at the court appearances - I let her.

When it came time - God this is still hard to speak of!

In the weeks before my sentencing I took her up to the prison that most likely I would be held at and showed her the place, at the time there were no fences so that helped - but I explained to her that - just like when she was sent to her room to be punished - this was where I was going to be sent to punished.

Then that weekend I sat down and wrote each of my children a letter to be given to them when they got home from my sentencing, I told them I loved them and that no matter where I was at, my heart and spirit was always with them.

All three of my children were at my sentencing, my youngest took it the hardest yet, she was also the bravest. She kept tryng to encourage me.

I did write a diary for them, thoughts and happenings that I would not discuss in my letters home, but I wanted them to know later after I was home. My Mom and Dad or my Life Partner Linda made sure that my son and youngest daughter was up for visitation each week, and I called every Wednesday.

I will say this, I missed the birth of my three oldest grandchildren, my son's wedding, my youngest graduation. But believe it or not I gained something far more important that any of those events, the knowledge that no matter what, no matter how hard life can get, we love each other, our love is strong, and we did and can make it through anything that life can throw at us.

As I said this is not going to be easy, it is not easy talking about it even now for me.

Don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to hold them tight while you can. This is rough, but your going to make it through.

I know, we did.

Hugs to you two and stay strong, if I can answer anything else please feel free to contact me.

Patti

PS: One other thing I wanted to mention, spend as much time as you can with your loved ones. Do something special with them before you go, if you can. Take them to the favorite Amusement park, vacation spot, favorite family visit. Take plenty of photographs and pick your favorite to be sent to you once you are in prison.

[meme48915]

Thank you sooo sooo much for your advice and for sharing your experiences. I have been through so much in life and for the first time, i really cant sleep at night, I guess because I am affecting the ones that mean so much to me. I havent told my 6 year old(7 next mth). My 2 yr old wont understand, his dad is incarcerated like I said, so he will be with my mom. I'm just going crazy, I just keep seeing him standing there saying "where ma mommy"?, Why dont didnt she come back for me, dont she love me"? We are together 24/7, he is my whole life, the only thing that can make me smile. He depends on me so much. My 6 yr old, well hes my life too. Until a year ago, his dad wasnt there much at all, my husband (the youngest ones dad) played daddy to him and when the house was raided and they took my husband away, he was lost, still to this day, he dont understand, he always asks me "when will papi come home"? Then after that, the Feds came and raided our house, do to a long time investigation which one of my husband "best friends" sent my way, My children where also there, they didnt find what they were looking for so I wasnt arrested, but my son was flipped out, so scarred, thinking I was goin to leave him like his papi. I dont know how Im going to tell him and explain this to him. Too many people leave him, I am his rock. I really hate what I have done to them. Hopefully they will get through this okay. Im waiting to see my PSI report before I talk to him.
I just thank God that I can come here and "vent" and get advice. Also hear others storys to prove that we WILL get through this, there is a beautiful life after this.

[FriscoLady]

I don't know how old you are, does not matter.

From what you have posted you have been through allot and know that life is just life. What you make of it is up to you.

I wrote about the fear somewhere, I think in this forum and don't what to tell you about that - other than we deal with it differently - as in everything. It is so hard to deal with. Spent many a night up all night in worry mostly about my son and daughter and yet had to figure out how to live for them, help them enjoy life as we had it then. Their age differences from your children, well you have challenges I did not have and vice versa.

Now that I think about it and I look back on that time, the best example of how to do this was right in front of my face, and had been with me since conception.

My Dad was in the very early stages of what turned out to be Alzheimer's. Yet every minute of every day he was there for me and my children. He knew he was sick, not with what yet, but he knew. For so long he had been not only Grandpa but Dad to my children because their father could not be.

I don't know what it was, whether it is because he had faced death in combat or seen so much death, so, so close to him - my two older sisters died in the bombings in Germany. I don't know what it was - maybe I missed the mark completely on why, but he knew the secret of life and somehow managed to teach me. He knew how to live and take each and every moment for what it was.

We look forward to the future so much, if only if I can get the degree, I can get that job and make it better for my children, when in reality all we have is now, this very moment, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not guaranteed, heck one minute from now is not. If only I can get through this, get through prison and come home life will be "beautiful".

What is done is done hon, I am not saying don't plan for your future, you are very wise if you do, and your only a Mom when you worry about it.

Do the best you can to prepare them and yourself, but right now is all you got, find that part in your soul where your strength is and somehow, someway not only have a life with them now, but enjoy life with them now. Take each moment for what it is, be there for them, and just as importantly if not more so, be there for yourself.

It is not easy, I could not do it then, but looking back on that time, I learned the lesson and I do it now.

Life whether before, during or after prison, like any other hard time in your life whether it is "beautiful" or not is entirely up to you. The hardest time of your life can be the best too, if you look at it in that light and dig deep into yourself for that strength. That is up to you.

Patti

[bellakrys]

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am so scared. I know that I am going to missing so much when I am gone. I have started shutting people out and pushing them away. I feel that I did wrong so I need to go this alone. I think the way I am acting is a defensive mechanism. It feels like my life is in slow motion.

[FriscoLady]

Originally Posted by bellakrys

Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am so scared. I know that I am going to missing so much when I am gone. I have started shutting people out and pushing them away. I feel that I did wrong so I need to go this alone. I think the way I am acting is a defensive mechanism. It feels like my life is in slow motion.

Bellakrys, you are making the same mistake I did, this is not the time to shut people out or push them away.

You did wrong and you will have to face this, but alone? No, don't do it. Those that love you, love you for you, not for your crime, and if they want to be there for you, let them. It took my Mom screaming at me to let her in for me to do it, I broke down sobbing in her arms and Dad's arms.

I was so scared and I did not know how to handle it, if they were not there for me, I would not be here today.

Let it go, hang on to those you love and that love you and just let it go.

Don't do this alone, it is hard enough, but for God sakes let those that love you be with you.

Hugs,

Patti

[Demi]

I just wanted to say that I can imagine how broken hearted you women are. The very best thing you can do now for yourself and your children is be sure they will be safe and loved while you are gone. They need to have schedules (kids do best with schedules if you can keep them on it), they need to have shelter, food, clothes, medical care and be with someone who has patience and plenty of hugs and kisses.

Keeping your sanity depends on the fact that you know as much as you miss them that they are in good hands. It's one thing to miss them and feel like your going crazy but if you have doubts about their care while incarcerated... imagine the agony.

Prayers to you both.

[PTO-29412]

I would like to also ad suggestions.

I know that many women who are going into prison and leaving behind a child write letters, or even video tape messages for important upcoming events.

Example: Birthday's, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc.

Give these to someone you trust to deliver them. That will mean more to them than anything else. SImply tell them how much you love them, and are proud of them etc.

Spend as much time as possible with them before you leave. You may also want to create with them a Build a Bear. This is something you two have created together and they came keep with them and remember untill you are back.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Jonathan

[meme48915]

Good suggestions!!! At first, I thought the whole video thing would be a little weird, then I thought about it. My son sitting here on Christmas wishing I was there and thinking that I dont [b]want[b] to be there. Then he would watch it and know otherwise. That would make his day
I'm going to do the build-a-bear thing too, that way they have some part of me.