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gypsydancer · #1 09-07-2007, 01:31 PM

Maybe some of you out there could give me some advice... As the expression goes..."I'm so confused..."
My guy & I had been acquainted with each other for a few years, then started going out 3 months before he went in.. Yes, that magic 90 day period when couples make it or break it...
He's been in 8 months now.. He's never said those three little words.. He's eluded to it in things that he is written. He's also a Sag and my experience with Sag's is that they aren't too quick to talk about feelings.
He's always seemed sincere and caring. Lately, though all the pressure of other friends' negativity (to my staying true to an inmate) and the pressure of the finances that I HAVE CHOSEN to help out with and the fact that I'm having surgery next week (which he doesn't know about) caused me to be extra quiet at our last visit. He pressured me to talk about what was on my mind... I blurted out "Do you love me?" He was quiet. I said, "well I suppose I have my answer, then" He came back with "Well, yes.. to an extent... but I've been in here longer than we've been going out.. I asked "doesn't any of this( time that he's been in) count?" He said "well, yeah but we are going to have to start over when I get out " I told him by now he's either feeling it or he's not.. and if he's not, I don't want to be wasting my time.
I was already running late and had to leave.. so I did.
What should I do? I'm an Aries and can be pretty stubborn, but I also have a history of "being too nice" if you know what I mean. Please help

TedEBare · #2 09-07-2007, 01:49 PM

First thing I'd do is drop all that "Sag" and "Aries" stuff. (Sorry, I'm a nonbeliever.) Deal with the two of you and who you are, not what some stargazer says you are.

It doesn't sound as if he is too certain about the relationship.

Or, he's a cautious(sp) man.

Sinphany · #3 09-07-2007, 01:57 PM

Maybe he's just not as open as you'd like him to be about his feelings for you...but if you need him to be then tell him...

Wobabi · #4 09-07-2007, 01:57 PM

wow,,well I am a Sag but I am female and I have a best friend that is an Aries female so I can only offer based on my expereinces which by no means its the right answer,,,,,
Sag men(general) are very hard to want to commit in the first place,,they are those types that always think the grass is greener on the other side and will leap to find out its brown. When he said that when he gets out you will have to start all over a again ,,that would have been my cue to say ,,,let me put this dude on my *friends for now* list and see what he does when he DOES get out. Aries women love hard and can be demanding when it comes to love. You gotta be patient and let the man chase you,,,*Me* I just would not be in the position to have to ask a man if he loves me. I can tell him ,,no problem,,,,but to ask him if he loves me,,nope! I can ask how he feels about me and all that but to me a man has got to want to tell me that he loves me,,just like he has got to be the one to propose marriage,,old fashioned I guess.
You really might have to fall back on him a bit with all his goodies and things that a woman in love would do for him,,, and let him do some chasing and I mean a good while after he has been out,,since he said you would be starting from scratch then anyways,,so to speak.
Yeah thats my thoughts on it.

TedEBare · #5 09-07-2007, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wobabi

wow,,well I am a Sag but I am female and I have a best friend that is an Aries female so I can only offer based on my expereinces which by no means its the right answer,,,,,
Sag men(general) are very hard to want to commit in the first place,,they are those types that always think the grass is greener on the other side and will leap to find out its brown. When he said that when he gets out you will have to start all over a again ,,that would have been my cue to say ,,,let me put this dude on my *friends for now* list and see what he does when he DOES get out. Aries women love hard and can be demanding when it comes to love. You gotta be patient and let the man chase you,,,*Me* I just would not be in the position to have to ask a man if he loves me. I can tell him ,,no problem,,,,but to ask him if he loves me,,nope! I can ask how he feels about me and all that but to me a man has got to want to tell me that he loves me,,just like he has got to be the one to propose marriage,,old fashioned I guess.
You really might have to fall back on him a bit with all his goodies and things that a woman in love would do for him,,, and let him do some chasing and I mean a good while after he has been out,,since he said you would be starting from scratch then anyways,,so to speak.
Yeah thats my thoughts on it.

Yep, that's what I would do.

jptb · #6 09-07-2007, 02:19 PM

Here's how I'd look at it:

1) Be grateful the man is being honest with you about his feelings. Some people -- men and women alike -- will throw the word "love" around like it's a Frisbee with little thought as to how the object of this "love" will receive it.

2) Feelings are feelings and people have them and experience them whether they are in or out. Coming to the point of loving someone cannot be accelerated due to incarceration. People have their own timelines for that sort of feeling. That being said, IF he were out, would you also feel as if you were wasting your time if he could not say he loved you within eight months' time? If your answer is yes.....then he hasn't met your timeline for love, and you may find that you need to move on. If your answer is no, continue reading.

3) I would look at this relationship like any other. Don't give more than you feel comfortable giving. Being in a relationship with an incarcerated person is no guarantee of it working out or of the love being any greater than being with someone who is free. If giving your time, money, feelings, fidelity to an incarcerated person who does not love you is giving too much -- don't do it.

4) The following is completely my opinion -- an opinion that has been formed from only reading this one post, by the way -- and you may choose to ignore it. Here it goes:

If you are not sure whether you broke up with someone or not.....the relationship was probably not entirely formed or solid to begin with. I mean, if you are going to ask someone a question of such a weighty nature, i.e., 'do you love me?', I would think you'd be far enough along in the relationship to know if you broke up with him or not. Personally, I don't think stating you don't want to be wasting your time is breaking up. It's just starting to lay out your own personal boundaries within this particular relationship. One more little piece of entirely opinion advice.....in the future, you may find you have more success by just being honest with him. I mean, it sounds like he's honest with you. Just let him know that you're feeling some pressure from family and friends over his incarceration....you're having some insecurities, etc., and that you'd like to hear from him his feelings towards you and the relationship.

Anyways, I hope none of this sounded rude, b/c I was definitely not trying to be that way. It was more a food-for-thought type response.

I wish you all the best.....take care

LostEverything · #7 09-07-2007, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yawncosbabygirl

First thing I'd do is drop all that "Sag" and "Aries" stuff. (Sorry, I'm a nonbeliever.) Deal with the two of you and who you are, not what some stargazer says you are.

It doesn't sound as if he is too certain about the relationship.

Or, he's a cautious(sp) man.

That was to funny Yawnco

yaya'sbaby · #8 09-07-2007, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jptb

Here's how I'd look at it:

1) Be grateful the man is being honest with you about his feelings. Some people -- men and women alike -- will throw the word "love" around like it's a Frisbee with little thought as to how the object of this "love" will receive it.

2) Feelings are feelings and people have them and experience them whether they are in or out. Coming to the point of loving someone cannot be accelerated due to incarceration. People have their own timelines for that sort of feeling. That being said, IF he were out, would you also feel as if you were wasting your time if he could not say he loved you within eight months' time? If your answer is yes.....then he hasn't met your timeline for love, and you may find that you need to move on. If your answer is no, continue reading.

3) I would look at this relationship like any other. Don't give more than you feel comfortable giving. Being in a relationship with an incarcerated person is no guarantee of it working out or of the love being any greater than being with someone who is free. If giving your time, money, feelings, fidelity to an incarcerated person who does not love you is giving too much -- don't do it.

4) The following is completely my opinion -- an opinion that has been formed from only reading this one post, by the way -- and you may choose to ignore it. Here it goes:

If you are not sure whether you broke up with someone or not.....the relationship was probably not entirely formed or solid to begin with. I mean, if you are going to ask someone a question of such a weighty nature, i.e., 'do you love me?', I would think you'd be far enough along in the relationship to know if you broke up with him or not. Personally, I don't think stating you don't want to be wasting your time is breaking up. It's just starting to lay out your own personal boundaries within this particular relationship. One more little piece of entirely opinion advice.....in the future, you may find you have more success by just being honest with him. I mean, it sounds like he's honest with you. Just let him know that you're feeling some pressure from family and friends over his incarceration....you're having some insecurities, etc., and that you'd like to hear from him his feelings towards you and the relationship.

Anyways, I hope none of this sounded rude, b/c I was definitely not trying to be that way. It was more a food-for-thought type response.

I wish you all the best.....take care

Ditto!!!! I agree

Wobabi · #9 09-07-2007, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jptb

Here's how I'd look at it:

1) Be grateful the man is being honest with you about his feelings. Some people -- men and women alike -- will throw the word "love" around like it's a Frisbee with little thought as to how the object of this "love" will receive it.

2) Feelings are feelings and people have them and experience them whether they are in or out. Coming to the point of loving someone cannot be accelerated due to incarceration. People have their own timelines for that sort of feeling. That being said, IF he were out, would you also feel as if you were wasting your time if he could not say he loved you within eight months' time? If your answer is yes.....then he hasn't met your timeline for love, and you may find that you need to move on. If your answer is no, continue reading.

3) I would look at this relationship like any other. Don't give more than you feel comfortable giving. Being in a relationship with an incarcerated person is no guarantee of it working out or of the love being any greater than being with someone who is free. If giving your time, money, feelings, fidelity to an incarcerated person who does not love you is giving too much -- don't do it.

4) The following is completely my opinion -- an opinion that has been formed from only reading this one post, by the way -- and you may choose to ignore it. Here it goes:

If you are not sure whether you broke up with someone or not.....the relationship was probably not entirely formed or solid to begin with. I mean, if you are going to ask someone a question of such a weighty nature, i.e., 'do you love me?', I would think you'd be far enough along in the relationship to know if you broke up with him or not. Personally, I don't think stating you don't want to be wasting your time is breaking up. It's just starting to lay out your own personal boundaries within this particular relationship. One more little piece of entirely opinion advice.....in the future, you may find you have more success by just being honest with him. I mean, it sounds like he's honest with you. Just let him know that you're feeling some pressure from family and friends over his incarceration....you're having some insecurities, etc., and that you'd like to hear from him his feelings towards you and the relationship.

Anyways, I hope none of this sounded rude, b/c I was definitely not trying to be that way. It was more a food-for-thought type response.

I wish you all the best.....take care

Wo,,,this was a Damn Good Answer!!
(Babi printing it out for future reference

)

jptb · #10 09-07-2007, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wobabi

Wo,,,this was a Damn Good Answer!!
(Babi printing it out for future reference

)

Bahahahaha.....I'm such a lurker around here, but every now and then I see a post that I actually think I may be able to help out with.

Fellaswifey · #11 09-07-2007, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jptb

Here's how I'd look at it:

4) The following is completely my opinion -- an opinion that has been formed from only reading this one post, by the way -- and you may choose to ignore it. Here it goes:

If you are not sure whether you broke up with someone or not.....the relationship was probably not entirely formed or solid to begin with. I mean, if you are going to ask someone a question of such a weighty nature, i.e., 'do you love me?', I would think you'd be far enough along in the relationship to know if you broke up with him or not. Personally, I don't think stating you don't want to be wasting your time is breaking up. It's just starting to lay out your own personal boundaries within this particular relationship. One more little piece of entirely opinion advice.....in the future, you may find you have more success by just being honest with him. I mean, it sounds like he's honest with you. Just let him know that you're feeling some pressure from family and friends over his incarceration....you're having some insecurities, etc., and that you'd like to hear from him his feelings towards you and the relationship.

Anyways, I hope none of this sounded rude, b/c I was definitely not trying to be that way. It was more a food-for-thought type response.

I wish you all the best.....take care

Very well stated, i was thinking the same thing, about was it really a solid relationship if it would end just like that.

gypsydancer · #12 09-09-2007, 09:16 PM

A heartfelt "thanks" to all of you...

I've received one letter and a couple of phone calls, since that "talk"

I mailed off a letter today telling him about the sugery.

Also, I went out Friday with my friends and kicked up my heels a little bit. I guess it's important to try to keep "balance" in life. Plus, I was feeling a little emotional that day ( DUH! [ to myself])

Again, thanks to all of you and your pearls of wisdom...