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discoball · #26 05-24-2008, 11:36 PM

while my husband does have some responsibility, I certainly believe he does not deserve to be there one minute longer nor for the time he has already been there.

having said that, he is still there and he did get a long sentence and we are dealing with it. I have been down this road of trying to always be home for a call, hop to every need and its exhausting. i have gotten the guilt trip.

i didnt put him there. i wish it wasnt this way but so far i havent been able to do much about it and that hurts too.

so now that i am in year 4 i am focusing on me. i am going to do things for me and i already have and he has been alright with it so far. it doesnt matter if he doesnt b/c i need this. i will be gentle but firm. i have brought up the guilt trip too. you cant say, " do things for you" then get mad when i do.
so i am doing this carefully, b/c i love my husband so much and i wont hurt us to help me. so my ventures out with new friends (mostly ladies anyway) and new experiences will go hand in hand with a lot of reassurance that he is still the most important thing to me.

but as to your questions: nothing gives them the right, but this is how they try to exert some control in a life that is powerless as an inmate. they are taugth to be a man, have responsibilities, take care of their own, and then whether its their fault or not, his manhood is taken away in the blink of an eye for a long time
he is upset with you b/c he is not allowed to get upset w/ the guard b/c he will get in trouble. he has to "keep it in check". it spills out on the one's he loves b/c he knows we will understand and still come back and support him. he hates this too, but a lot of times he is powerless to stop it.

so i hope that makes sense, its late and ive had a little wine.

andysbabygirl · #27 05-25-2008, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kae921

thanks for the post meeganv. our mates are more insecure since they don't have control of their lives. they often will try to push the envelope and control ours. it is up to us to love, nuture and reassure them of our loyalties, but we also have to set boundaries.

i will check my man in a sec.

Well said.....I have done alot of thinking about this in the past. I honestly believe that they try to control what we do just so that they have some type of control. Lets face it....men are controlling beings...it is their nature....and they feel lost when they don't have it.

I think part of it is because of the so called "rules" of society. It is the man's job to take care of the famiy, etc, etc, etc.

Missing Someone · #28 05-25-2008, 02:18 PM

I went to a Christmas party last year with a male friend of mine. New Years was a girls night

My ex-husband and I just celebrated our daughter's high school graduation last week. I wish that he could have been here to share it. My ex and I have 2 children and we co-parent - we are friends because we want our children to know that relationships end, but you can still maintain a friendship. My man and I write letters when we feel like it, however we talk on the phone everyday and have 1 six hour visit a week. I don't send money - he knows we need it here.

For us - it wasn't really an issue of trust as it was an issue of respect. I like that he trusts me - I love that he respects me more.

Wobabi · #29 05-25-2008, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meeganv

What makes a man who is in prison for making poor (and often selfish) choices think he has the right to get upset with us for the way we are living our lives? What gives them the right to be upset when they are not here (and yes, it is his fault!) helping us, financially or physically?

In all fairness to Mrs Perez I want to say that her husbands reaction is NORMAL for a man in PRISON. They are trapped and feel helpless and the only thing they have are thier WORDS, which they might not always use in the best of manners because they are Emotionally Fragile.
To *me* if women are Expecting these MEN TO BE UNDERSTANDING ANGELS ALL THE TIME,,,it aint Gonna happen!:shake:
So they need tightening up,,Just like there are women who take advantage of men in prison too. We never hear THEIR SIDE but we would be just as guilty and TRIFFLIN if they had a PTO to speak on too.
They have EVERY REASON TO ACT OUT because PRISON brings out the DEVIL in them (Quote from an Inmate) It brings all their insecurities to the fore front FULL FORCE and it would do the same to us. If a woman is not willing to WORK WITH HER MAN to address the mental effects of incarceration then I say "Exit the Building NOW!"
If you choose to stay then have a seat and have no fear to share what these doods be going thru! And what we can do to make a difference.
Thank You-Great post Babs
Edit-Add LEMMONS you are on point with all that you said!

Queensett · #30 05-25-2008, 02:52 PM

Girl you said it better than ever. Hes mad at me because I didnt put money in his account yesterday yet he cant do anything until Tuesday...go figure and had the nerve to hang up on me. Hes spoiled I just hope he remembers when he gets home. kudos..

ladyjgermany · #31 05-25-2008, 06:40 PM

I heard that ladies, tell it like it TIS! Sometimes my husband tries to play me like that, It doesn't work though. I have always been a very independent woman and always will be. Now don't get me wrong I do believe in showing respect to my husband, but he knows better than to try and tell me what to do. I know my independence is one of the main reasons he fell iin love

TiffanyFL · #32 05-25-2008, 06:57 PM

AMEN!! to everything that you just said. While I also choose to remain faithful to my "husband", HE caused this situation, our being seperated not me so why should I be punished for HIS mistakes!!! I still have a life to lead out here making a home for us when he gets out of prison and he needs to learn to be as supportive of me as I am of him. Trust me as I trust him, I have stood by you for 4 years and I haven't left doesn't that make me trustworthy? Haven't I proved my loyalty to you?

AllLockedUp · #33 05-25-2008, 07:05 PM

Nothing gives them the right. But if you choose to stay in the relationship after incarceration you have to be willing to deal with "some" of these mens insecurities. I totally agree with Wobabi. For me and mine, we haven't had too many issues like that. Not yet anyway. And hopefully we never do. Only had to call him down once in over 3 years. If I say I went to a party, he asks me if I had fun. If I'm not here when he calls, he calls back later. He is the most supportive person in my life. We have a long way to go. Things may change through the years. But I sure hope not!

lilithinwaiting · #34 05-25-2008, 07:20 PM

meegan, great post! I think we ( the majority of us) have given these men the right ( what they considered their right) to make demands on us .. to manipulate( in some cases) to turn us into care givers or in some cases enablers. We do it for many different reasons, by choice, out of guilt, or just because we think this is apart of our role as wives, lovers etc. You get some very manipulating men who try all types of tactics to get wives/girlfriends to do for them and get attitudes if it is not more. Of course, there are many good men who would never ask a women for anything and are grateful for anything they get.
I am with you, they got themselves locked up , they made that choice and should learn to deal with it and stop expecting, demanding and complaining and most of all manipulating us to feel guilty because we are not locked up. ( not all men do this but many , many do)
My husband has never told me what I can and can't do because it would not have worked with me and he knows that but he has been a master manipulator with a ton of excess baggage and had I know all that heavy load would be something pushed on me I would have run on our first meeting. The load of his insecurities, and self centered manipulative ways are getting to be more than what I can carry and I am worn down because it just hasn't been his way while in prison , it is his way out here too.
Again, thank you for this well done post.

FreelyCuffed · #35 05-25-2008, 07:29 PM

wow! this was an awesome post! i have to agree with the fact that all the while being supportive of our men we need not sugar coat the truth. instead be truthful. my guy and i have discussed the exact reason he is in there, which is a good convo, and he knows that HE put him there, not ME! he knows that his consequences are because of his actions. Like you i have chosen to stay by his side and faithful. I am just glad he understands why he is there. Good post.

jaelsangel · #36 05-25-2008, 08:52 PM

All I have to say is AMEN!!!!

..to all my PTO sistas..yes these men you gotta lovethem but why sheild the truth or not tell them about stuff for fear that they may stress or their feelings may be hurt or whatvea..OUr feelings are hurt everyday that theyare not here, we are left to deal with bills ..kids ...work..just holdin it down fir them and us too...

I am happy that my man while he is not perfect, he is understanding and I tell him excatly what the hell is going on out here good,bad or indifferent..life is going on out here..and it is not waiting for anyone...Why should I deal with all the stress alone in a stressful sitautionout here, while he may not be able to help physically I like to hear advice or worsd of encouragment..and yes he does try to bark orders sometimes, but that is rare, and when he does I shut that azz Down..

ThatOneChick · #37 05-26-2008, 10:16 AM

You know this is a good question but I think another good question is why do some women deal with it???

frontlinelady · #38 05-26-2008, 12:23 PM

I believe that even though we have someone we love on the inside, all of us are not in the same situation. I believe that there are differences in some cases and that we should all be supportive of each other without being judgemental. I agree that there are some of us who go overboard to help the ones we love on the inside while there are those who can't do that because of situations and circumstances that do not allow us to. There are alot of our loved ones locked away because of poor choices yes, but realize there are alot of our loved ones locked away because our justice system failed innocent people. No matter what the situation is we need to be compassionate to our PTO family and support them in prayer as we all walk this path, no matter if we are here by choice or by other means.

meeganv · #39 05-26-2008, 01:41 PM

I was surprised it took so long for someone to read and infer a lack of support in my original post.

I'd just like to say, my post and gripe had nothing to do with how much someone is supporting someone, simply that the men who receive the support from these loving women who bend over backwards often turn around and think they in turn have some kind of right to dictate how she runs her life. As many wise women on here have responded, it's probably due to a lack of control anywhere else in their lives, or insecurities, lack of confidence in their perceived "manliness", whatever. All of these are valid, and if a woman chooses to "allow" a man to treat her a certain way due to his insecurities, then that is her perogative. I just wouldn't. I will excuse a lot of his moodiness and crankiness as a result of where he is, but I will not personally excuse (what I consider to be) mistreatment, controlling behavior, or possessiveness.

I think there are some women on this site who love their men dearly, but don't always like the way they treat them. There is nothing wrong with this, it happens. Yet they feel the need to excuse it and put up with it because if they don't they are afraid of being viewed as unsupportive...since their men have it so rough, etc. I am in support of them, and hope that reading what I wrote allows them to realize that they can love their men while still telling them "hey, you're there, I'm here, I love and support you but will not allow you to tell me how to live my life when I'm out here doing the best I can by both of us..."

Yes, our justice system has failed many. Yes, many if not most are probably in for an unreasonable sentence. It's a shame that the rehabilitation part of corrections is pretty much nonexistent. But for the most part they are there, unfair or not, due to choices they have made. "Wrong place at the wrong time" rarely happens unless you at least in part put yourself in that place by the way you are living your life and the people you associate with.

Frezell · #40 05-26-2008, 01:42 PM

I agree with some of it but not all of it but I must say your points were very well said indeed.

I have personal issues with men having lunch, dinner etc with babies mommas or visa versa. There is such a thing as blended familes and extended families, I understand that. When my son goes over his father's house that is one thing whereas I am not going to have dinner with my son and his father to participate as a family, he is my ex and it is over. I am not hateful nor do I talk down about his father but no, that part is like I said is over. I understand that this is my issue and I accept it. Graduation time if all the family gets together then it's fine or if it's a birthday party ok but just for me, his father and son to go to dinner as a family, no.

But, in conclusion that's my issue.

meeganv · #41 05-26-2008, 01:50 PM

[quote=Frezell;3697260]I have personal issues with men having lunch, dinner etc with babies mommas or visa versa. There is such a thing as blended familes and extended families, I understand that. When my son goes over his father's house that is one thing whereas I am not going to have dinner with my son and his father to participate as a family, he is my ex and it is over. I am not hateful nor do I talk down about his father but no, that part is like I said is over. I understand that this is my issue and I accept it. Graduation time if all the family gets together then it's fine or if it's a birthday party ok but just for me, his father and son to go to dinner as a family, no.

[quote]

I can certainly appreciate where you are coming from, and I would not want to just have "random" sporadic or regular dinners with my ex. But in recognition of mother's day, as the mother of his children to be taken out - not alone but with the children - to be taken out as a token of gratitude for being the mother I am, I think that's different. I think that is a nice gesture and as long as it didn't turn my stomach to be in his presense I see nothing wrong with accepting it.

Now...I don't have children...so I am saying all of this as an outsider with an opinion. My opinion is not formed by being a mother myself, but rather by my experience with the way I witnessed my parents handle their divorce and subsequent co-parenting of me...which was stellar, I must say!

frontlinelady · #42 05-26-2008, 02:06 PM

No doubt sister, alot of ladies on here are not appreciated the way they should be by the thier loved ones on the inside. The funny thing about that is they don't realize they have NO CONTROL over the one that is helping them and the ladies who are supporting them and loving them hold the cards! It is ashamed that they haven't figured that out. There are alot of precious ladies who are giving unconditionally and take abuse they don't have take from thier loved ones. I will say that it still amazes me how many have held on through many struggles! I see determination in thier posts that they will never give up. I thank you for sharing with us all what we need to see. My sweetheart has told many numerous times to never go without to take care of him because he understands the struggles I face as well. I pray that the ladies who are doing without find wisdom to prioritize and do what they need to in order to survive and find comfort in knowing that they are doing the right thing to take care of themselves and thier children when they can't do for the one they have in captivity. I ask that God sends them provision and creates a path to those who want to assist and help them during these times as well.
I love you all and I am praying for every family who is in this fight!

Quote:

Originally Posted by meeganv

I was surprised it took so long for someone to read and infer a lack of support in my original post.

I'd just like to say, my post and gripe had nothing to do with how much someone is supporting someone, simply that the men who receive the support from these loving women who bend over backwards often turn around and think they in turn have some kind of right to dictate how she runs her life. As many wise women on here have responded, it's probably due to a lack of control anywhere else in their lives, or insecurities, lack of confidence in their perceived "manliness", whatever. All of these are valid, and if a woman chooses to "allow" a man to treat her a certain way due to his insecurities, then that is her perogative. I just wouldn't. I will excuse a lot of his moodiness and crankiness as a result of where he is, but I will not personally excuse (what I consider to be) mistreatment, controlling behavior, or possessiveness.

I think there are some women on this site who love their men dearly, but don't always like the way they treat them. There is nothing wrong with this, it happens. Yet they feel the need to excuse it and put up with it because if they don't they are afraid of being viewed as unsupportive...since their men have it so rough, etc. I am in support of them, and hope that reading what I wrote allows them to realize that they can love their men while still telling them "hey, you're there, I'm here, I love and support you but will not allow you to tell me how to live my life when I'm out here doing the best I can by both of us..."

Yes, our justice system has failed many. Yes, many if not most are probably in for an unreasonable sentence. It's a shame that the rehabilitation part of corrections is pretty much nonexistent. But for the most part they are there, unfair or not, due to choices they have made. "Wrong place at the wrong time" rarely happens unless you at least in part put yourself in that place by the way you are living your life and the people you associate with.

armyswife · #43 05-27-2008, 04:10 PM

It is one thing to be supportive of your man and another thing to be a complete fool for him. My man and I seem to have a pretty good understanding that I will not cross the line to idiotville with him. He knows that I do what I can for him but I dont bend over backwards for him. Like we recently decided to cut visits to twice a month because of rising gas prices. I used to go every weekend, its only 75 miles round trip. But I also work the next city over so I commute alot.He also knows that I am a law abiding citizen. I am in love with someone who broke the law and got caught. That does not make me "bonnie". I am BG,(nickname) no more and no less. I stand my ground with him and he never tries to compromise that. We have different beliefs and we agree to disagree sometimes. When asked if I will "stay down" if he does another bid. The answer is a loud and resounding NO!!!! This is his first bid and my last whether or not it is his. Thats up to him. I'm hoping he's using this time to grow and leave the old foolishness behind. I believe that he will but I never put all my faith in any human. THis lifestyle is rough. Any man who puts stipulations on a relationship needs to look at their lives and their surroundings. Im sure there are thousands of men free or incarcerated who would love to have the support of a good woman.

lilmama4787 · #44 05-27-2008, 04:17 PM

I complelty agree with you its not our fault they are in there I support my bf with all my heart but life goes on out here I cant put my life on hold just because he cant be here I have goals and dreams that I want to achieve and he can be a part of them once he gets out but I cant plan my life around his phone call his visit and my bf has learned to just accept as much money as I can send bc I have bills and things I need to take care of out here but I do feel bad and then I have to remind myself that he put himself there not me!!!!

mtillman70 · #45 05-30-2008, 06:07 PM

Well I was going to say you are wrong but from the responses I don't think so, see I haven't had that prob yet and maybe it's because it's only been a few months on a 3yr bid, and he knows I do me even before he got there. So big up's to you strong independent woman...I want to be just like you when I grow up. :0)

Mrs. Evans · #46 05-30-2008, 06:17 PM

i feel like this....they expect what u give...and they are going to do what u allow them to do.....so if u continue to allow them to run your life from a cell...that is what they are going to expect and that is what they are going to do.....

LORNA · #47 05-31-2008, 12:29 AM

Meegan-
To answer your question, whoever allows it. Great post.

While I agree with what you said, PERSONALLY, I may not reveal everything that is going on in my head/life sometimes because I have learned during these years to sort through things solo and try to process it before sharing. At times, I will not disclose things. The reason I CHOOSE to do this is because there are certain things that are not in his control. If in the grand scheme of things it were trivial, I would prefer not to let him know. It may be one of those days that chaos and negativity is thriving at his spot and whatever I have shared, coupled with his mindset will not make for a harmonious spot.