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kendra425 · #1 12-10-2008, 11:08 AM

I have a strange relationship with my man's baby-momma, his son's mom and I are actually close friends. She hadn't allowed him any contact with his son so I found her (on myspace) and made friends with her. My man has only one child and has a life sentence. His son is the most important thing in his life, but he hasn't seen him since he was 2 months old. I desperately wanted to meet his son and try to convince his ex to let him have visits or at least phone calls with the boy. I actually convinced her to allow the phone calls, but now she has changed her mind. Losing the calls was bad enough, now she has recently told me she wants to terminate rights, change the boy's name, and hopes he will forget Robert. She said that I can still see the boy because I have done nothing wrong, I try to help her and I love the child. She holds nothing against me, but she won't even let me buy the boy a present from the money his dad sent unless I say it was from 'santa'. She believes that if/when his four year old finds out that his dad is in prison for murder that it will hurt the child so she is trying to 'protect' him from that by not allowing him anymore contact and hoping he will forget the contact he has had. Nothing I can say to her will change her opinions. Now I have a heavy heart because I will have to be the one to break the news to my lover that his ex will be terminating his rights and changing his son's last name. I am so depressed and lost as to what to say or how to say it. I feel some hurt and anger at my friend but I can't say anything or risk losing my contact with Robert's son. At least when I see the child I can still tell his dad how he is doing and I can take photos.

starr_poet · #2 12-10-2008, 02:50 PM

thats so sad. someday he will grow up and (hopefully) figure it out, and it will be his decision.

LilJohnnysGurl · #3 12-10-2008, 05:14 PM

Thats really too bad! I guess you just have to be honest with him and tell him, be supportive. On the other hand can't he contest it? I mean doesn't he have a choice in terminating his rights?

kendra425 · #4 12-11-2008, 06:32 AM

I don't know... that is what another of my friends has been telling me. Maybe it won't be too bad because Rob is an eternal optimist (he always believes that destiny will win out in the end). I haven't been able to talk to him, they are on lock down so he hasn't called. I'm going down to see him, to talk to him in person since he hasn't called. His baby-momma has been threatening to terminate his rights for years now, but she claims she has filed paper work this time. He may just think it is another one of her head games. I know he will contest any attempt to terminate his rights or change his son's name. Heck, I can see the boy contesting the name change!! That little guy is as stubborn (if not more so!) than his dad! I think that is why she wants to change his name is because he is so much like his father, but like I told her you can change his name but you're never going to be able to change his genetics! He is like a mini-me to his dad. That is why I have gotten so attached to the lil devil (and he is one!), he is like a teddy-bear sized version of Rob! (Even if I do have to chase him down and steal my kisses on his cheeks because he's all boy). I also know that as long as I can still be in his son's life that he will at least get info and pictures.

LilJohnnysGurl · #5 12-11-2008, 08:02 AM

She is probably just threatening it for one reason or another. Maybe for attention from you and him. If I was going to terminate rights and was serious about it, I wouldn't have anything to do with anyone in the fathers life. Nothing against you, I am just saying it doesn't seem like she is serious about it or why would she still talk to you. You would think she would want to totally seperate from him and everything connected. WHo knows, females are crazy! I wish you all the best!

tarclay · #6 12-12-2008, 09:13 AM

And just because his Dad is in prison doesn't mean that he can get all rights terminated. Sounds like she is trying to threat... another woman scorned.

waitin2Bmarried · #7 12-12-2008, 12:15 PM

I'm glad that I stumbled on this one today. I'm going through the same thing right now. James ex called me the other day to find out where her attorney should send the paper work to. Now I'm struggling with how to forewarn him that he will be getting something soon, or if I should! My poor baby is going through nothing but hell right now

kendra425 · #8 12-13-2008, 06:48 PM

Oh she isn't going to stop letting me be involved for two main reasons, I have rescued her little butt from too many bad situations. She doesn't have that many people she can count on. I have fed them when they had no food, taken the kids to the doctor/emergency room when they were sick (and paid for their medicine), bought clothes for the kids, diapers, rides to the store, bought her cigarettes... you get the idea, and only ONE of the 3 kids is my man's child. I do for all 3 equally because it wouldn't be fair to favor the one. I do far more than even her own family does for her and the kids. The other reason is that she is now dating my 'adopted' son (a kid I took in as one of my own when his father kicked him out, he is now 18) and my son wouldn't allow her to just cut me off. It's really weird for my adopted son to be dating my man's ex!! But she met him while they were living me, and if they are happy together, that's what's important. She may hate her ex (my man) but she does love me because I have been so good to her and her kids. I told Robert about her wanting to terminate his rights and I am glad I told him in person because he took it better than if I had told him over the phone. He was just so glad to see me that even bad news didn't ruin the visit. He believes that his son will eventually come looking for him.

tarclay · #9 12-14-2008, 11:00 AM

And no matter how many times these women try to put these children in the middle by trying to terminate their Dad's rights,eventually these children will grow up and be able to make their own decisions about seeing their fathers. Because a Dad screws up and makes a bad decision that puts him in prison definitely doesn't automatically make him a bad father. The majority of the time, these are wonderful fathers who love their children so much....

waitin2Bmarried · #10 12-14-2008, 11:32 AM

Here is my worry...... James has not seen his daughter for 2 years now because of his last lock ups and because her mother basically holds her hostage...she wont tell him where any of her school functions are, her pagents, nothing. She will allow him to see her if he gives her money. I have pointed this out when I did his divorice response (they have been seperated for 7 years but no one could come up with the money to file until a year and a half ago) but nothing came of it. James used to call constantly to talk to Journey but everytime we tried to see her it was, "yeah if you give me $300 for such and such". She lives off of welfare, doesn't work, and James pays her over $120 a week in child support. Her mother is quite known to bad mouth him as well as make up horrible things about James to scare Journey. In fact, when this current lock up happened she went so far as to get a restraining order claming he had called her and threatened to take Journey away, moved out of her house into a neighbors and played this whole 'oh my god I'm so scared" theme we are quite familiar with. We don't have and haven't had the money for an attorney to bring all of this back up in court again. Suggestions????? I don't want Journey scared of her dad and I don't want her thinking he doesn' love her (which from what her mother tells her is the case now).

OUT2013 · #11 12-14-2008, 12:16 PM

I am not sure how they do it there but she just cannot terminate his rights. She is going to have to file and then he SHOULD get pulled to court and tell the judge everything you are saying. She can hope for the termination but many times the judge will nto allow it, considering she si the one keeping them form having a relationship.

whiz-bang · #12 12-14-2008, 03:23 PM

Strictly speaking, you don't HAVE to tell him anything. If she does move to terminate his rights, the court will notify him.

Please note that if you hold your tongue, there is zero danger of you being used by her to punish him.

I'd dummy up; wait and see what actually happens.

Good luck.

FD