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sedidog7 · #1 01-07-2004, 12:53 PM

Edward only has his mother to visit him. He was on death row for 20 years and one year now at Stateville. He is a good inmate and not a trouble maker. So maybe he can be moved some day. If Edward would get ill or hurt only his mother would be able to be with him to comfort him, I couldn't without marriage. One day his mother will be gone, she is in her 60's now and that will leave only me. I am hoping in the future to maybe be married and have the overnight visits one day to all as well. Edward never had anyone to care about him as well the reason he got into trouble, commetted murders with others, not by himself as some believe. He has taken the rap for it all. This stuff makes me sad. I would like Edward to feel like someone cares about him and give him some sort of a family he never had. I do feel alot for him as well. My first visit will be in March.
Janette

Morrigan68 · #2 01-07-2004, 01:53 PM

Well, I guess the obvious question here is do you love him? If not, don't get married!!!

Rostonhall · #3 01-07-2004, 02:20 PM

It doesn't matter whether you love him or not you should know by now, from this forum, that you haven't a hope in hell of marrying, particularly as he was on the Row. It's hard enough for those in Illinois who weren't on Death Row , even harder for those of us who want to marry guys who were.

Sorry if I sound hard but I'm being honest with you. You must know from reading the different forums that NONE of us can get married. Some inmates have been allowed but they have been in lower security prisons and NOBODY in maximum, Stateville or Menard, can be married.

Tony has absolutely nobody but me so, as with your Edward if he loses his mother, Tony would be completely alone were he to fall ill. I am down as his next of kin on the prison records but I'm sure that wouldn't mean a thing were something to happen to him. Yes, I'd be notified, but as for being allowed to visit, I very much doubt it. That's the way it is and until we can get things changed in Illinois and get our men's rights under the constitution restored there's no hope of any of us getting married.

Rose

sedidog7 · #4 01-12-2004, 09:30 AM

I am all for starting a committe for better things. By mid June when I get my new place I will start working on it. Anyone interested pick a subject and find out how much info you can about it. We will colaberate on it later.
Janette

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rostonhall

It doesn't matter whether you love him or not you should know by now, from this forum, that you haven't a hope in hell of marrying, particularly as he was on the Row. It's hard enough for those in Illinois who weren't on Death Row , even harder for those of us who want to marry guys who were.

Sorry if I sound hard but I'm being honest with you. You must know from reading the different forums that NONE of us can get married. Some inmates have been allowed but they have been in lower security prisons and NOBODY in maximum, Stateville or Menard, can be married.

Tony has absolutely nobody but me so, as with your Edward if he loses his mother, Tony would be completely alone were he to fall ill. I am down as his next of kin on the prison records but I'm sure that wouldn't mean a thing were something to happen to him. Yes, I'd be notified, but as for being allowed to visit, I very much doubt it. That's the way it is and until we can get things changed in Illinois and get our men's rights under the constitution restored there's no hope of any of us getting married.

Rose

lulu · #5 01-12-2004, 09:53 AM

I fyou marry someone for all the wrong reasons, you will regret it later, not mentioning that , that alone will bring heartache on your self and him as well.

You dont have to marry someone to make them feel aprt of something.

CLEE · #6 01-12-2004, 10:02 AM

Well Stated Lulu. I Must Agree With Her On That. My First Marriage "sucked" To Say The Least. And It Was For All The Wrong Reasons. Mostly Forced Ones!

Eboniizs · #7 01-12-2004, 10:16 AM

I’ve had my best luck getting IDOC to change it’s views by involving as many elected officials as possible. When OJ and I had a problem @ Dixon I wrote one letter, then copied & pasted it to every and I mean every elected official listed on the Illinois Government web site, I had eight of them corresponding with me via the telephone and a few by email. Within weeks I got the issue resolved.

IDOC won’t allow you near the director, letters go unanswered and forget phone calls, you get passed from one person to another, with nothing being accomplished. But when senators & congressman call IDOC their calls are accepted and they have access to the director.

My suggestion would be for all of you to compose an intelligent, brief letter and do what I did. It may not help, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

Rostonhall · #8 01-12-2004, 10:32 AM

Sorry, Monica, been there, done that and so have some others that I know but it's got us NOWHERE, not one reply and nobody interested. I've actually got a letter from the Director saying the problem isn't with IDOC, so they won't do anything. I've even had the Governor write to IDOC and ask that this be sorted but NOTHING is done. I've spent a small fortune in mail charges and telephone calls, that's without all the emails I send. I always send a covering letter by snail mail for every email sent so that nobody can say they didn't get it!!

There's a lot being done all over the State that I can't say in an open forum but if anyone wants to know I'll PM them.

Some of us have been working on this for more than a year now, never giving up for a minute but all it's got me is getting Tony put in seg for 60 days on a jumped up charge, and I know of others this has happened to. Don't get me wrong, he says I'm to do whatever I have to, and he backs me all the way, but it's scares the s*** out of me to think about what they could do to him. After all, he was sent to Death Row for something he didn't do, so we know just how bad it can get for him.

Rose

bn4realru · #9 01-12-2004, 10:47 AM

KEEP

IT MAKES THE WORLD WONDER WHAT YOU ARE UP TOO!

LOVE OR NOT MARRYING SOME ONE ON DEATH ROW ISNT A GOOD IDEA! I MEAN WHAT WOULD YOU BENIFIT FROM BE MARRIED TO SOME ONE THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH! MARRIAGE IS HARD ENOUGH WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER BESIDES BEING SEPARATED BY PRISON WALLS AND A DEATH SENTENCE.

I'M SORRY IF I SOUND HEARTLESS,HOWEVER DEEP NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW THROUGH TRUE LIFE EXPERIENCES THAT LOVE DOES'NT CONQUER EVERYTHING!! SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FORGET OUR HEART AND LISTEN TO OUR HEAD!!!

GOOD LUCK WITH WHAT EVER YOU CHOOSE TO Do!

LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE WHAT EVER YOU MAKE IT! :}WAVE

lulu · #10 01-12-2004, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bn4realru

KEEP

IT MAKES THE WORLD WONDER WHAT YOU ARE UP TOO!

LOVE OR NOT MARRYING SOME ONE ON DEATH ROW ISNT A GOOD IDEA! I MEAN WHAT WOULD YOU BENIFIT FROM BE MARRIED TO SOME ONE THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH! MARRIAGE IS HARD ENOUGH WHEN YOU ARE TOGETHER BESIDES BEING SEPARATED BY PRISON WALLS AND A DEATH SENTENCE.

I'M SORRY IF I SOUND HEARTLESS,HOWEVER DEEP NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW THROUGH TRUE LIFE EXPERIENCES THAT LOVE DOES'NT CONQUER EVERYTHING!! SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO FORGET OUR HEART AND LISTEN TO OUR HEAD!!!

GOOD LUCK WITH WHAT EVER YOU CHOOSE TO Do!

LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE WHAT EVER YOU MAKE IT! :}WAVE

I think your missing the point, if you read her posts, you will see WHY she is wanting to marry someone.

and what does any one "benifit" from marrage? it about two people that want to spend their life together, no matter how short that life might be. I would aggree that love does not conquer all, but that is not the point here

Rostonhall · #11 01-12-2004, 11:26 AM

Thanks, lulu. I've had two goes at replying to this and both times my computer crashed before I had a chance to post the response. I think someone was telling me to calm down.

I, too, am going to marry someone who was on Deathg Row until Ryan emptied it this time last year. So, neither of us is actually going to marry 'someone who is on Death Row.' We all have our reasons for marrying me, I'm madly in love, what was your reason?? I actually know my fiance is INNOCENT of the murder he was railroaded onto the Row for. Not that it makes any difference, I would have still married him.

Listening to my head 30 years ago put me in a marriage that ended in divorce after I spent 17 years of hell. So this time, I'm listening to my heart as well as my head. And I'm no spring chicken who's not lived life. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing, I know what might happen and I know I have to work all I can to get this remarkable, caring, loving man free from the nightmare he's been living for the last 2 decades.

As someone who's been in prison and had their family stick by them through thick and thin, I'm surprised that you would write such a reply. After all, there must have been people out there who said much the same to your loved ones, even though you would be out some day.

Rose

lulu · #12 01-12-2004, 12:23 PM

rose.
The comment i made was for the guy or gal above me, i quated what he or she said.

for the record, i also had problems posting my reply. LOL u was a little peeved off when i read his or hers post. I guess i had to settled down myself and remind myself that others do have the right to his or hers opinion's.

on theother hand, i am glad to hear that you are marrying cause of love, and not to make someone a part of something. I admire your srength. I get to emotionally tied to those on the row. I am not sure i would have the strength to be in your shoes, then again, i am not in those shes, so i cant say.

best wishes to you

Rostonhall · #13 01-12-2004, 02:15 PM

Sorry, lulu, that I sounded as if I was aiming what I said at you. I was thanking you for pinting out they should have read the posts properly. Then I went on the answer what they wrote.

I said I needed to calm down, didn't do a very good job, did I.

Well, we've straightened each other out, if nothing else.

Rose

lulu · #14 01-12-2004, 04:17 PM

Rose,
you sounded nice and easy if you ask me

hugs to you

jimsenglishgeek · #15 01-12-2004, 09:13 PM

There are certain statements I want to make with my life, and marrying Jim is one of those statements. It says I love him, I believe in him; it says I see the man and not the crime. I live for the moments we get to spend together, but that is not say that the moments we are not together are moments that we're apart. We're never apart. I carry him with me, like a little mouse in my pocket, always Our letters are close, they are intimate; there is a symbiosis between us unlike any relationship I have had in my past, including marriage to a man who did not know how to communicate. I almost think it would be a wonderful idea for any couple in love to live apart for a year or more and only communicate through letters. It is amazing how open one can be on paper. No subject is verboten, no walls erected. A man in prison is vulnerable and though not all have looked into the mirror of their soul and found the man within, those who have are better men, better human beings than anyone you will find on the street. Jim has put more effort into carving a life for himself that is infused with meaning and integrity than any of the greedy, manipulative, hedons I have met out here. Cynical? Perhaps. Realistic? More than most people know or are willing to believe. When they hear an intelligent woman is involved with an inmate, especially one who may never step foot outside the walls, they immediately want to analyze me as if I were an exotic specimen. I've been told I am afraid of commitment, afraid of men, have low self esteem, am anti-social, rebellious, just lonely. None of which have even the slightest grain of truth. All right -- I am rebellious, I'll give them that. The strange thing is, while I miss Jim terribly, I feel less lonely and less alone than when I was married to a non-inmate. If you feel these things, or even half of these things, then you may be right to consider marriage. But be prepared for the criticism and be confident in your decision. The one thing I would caution is to remember that your man is behind bars and very, very vulnerable. When you're tempted to write him and vent or on days when you might feel you just can't take it another day and want to abandon it, don't write him that letter. Remember that it will take several days to get to him, you may have changed your mind, but there he is, stuck with a letter he can do nothing about. In most cases, he can't immediately pick up a phone and talk it out with you. He can't send you flowers (well he could, but it would take a Herculean effort) or take you to dinner. He's going to feel hurt and bad. Assuming you've chosen a man who is mature, wise, good-hearted, and evolved into a good human being, then you need to keep to the high road. Game-playing has no place in this environment. It could lead to very serious consequences, i.e., your inmate love could end up in a fight which could send him to Seg and put the whole joint on lockdown. It happens regularly, and then 3,000+ inmates pay for one couple's stupidity. Good luck to anyone who has the courage and stamina to try marriage with an inmate. If you gave your marriage 100% on the outside, you've got to give it 200% with a man behind bars. But then again, if you've chosen the right mate, he'll make it easy for you.

Of course, all those fine words are only that: WORDS. Rose and I (among others) have been fighting the good fight for a year in Illinois and no one but no one gives a damn. I've said it before but I'll repeat myself once again: the decision not to allow marriages is bigger than we will perhaps ever know. Mail to all the government officials you want. All you'll get is sympathy and an attempt to placate you by telling you that soon things will be different.

jims

IrishQueen · #16 01-12-2004, 10:38 PM

Well after reading the posts maybe the question is who governs the chaplains who we are told ar ein charge of the marriages in the prisons? Who is their boss besides God. Every religious leader has a leader who tells him what and where he will be. Maybe we are fighting the wrong people. Maybe it is the religious community that needs to be awakened about ths issue of us all getting married.

Rostonhall · #17 01-13-2004, 12:33 AM

Hate to say this but at Menard the religious people are ALL governed by people other than their repective religions, and it isn't the Chaplain/Priest/Imam who is against the marriages, it's the County Clerk and the only one who can change that situation is the Governor.

Rose

Rostonhall · #18 01-13-2004, 12:55 AM

jims, have you been in my head, heart and soul again because what you've said is EXACTLY the way I feel about Tony and our relationship, but, then, I suspect all of us in such a relationship feel this way. I know I'm treated as some sort of idiot by a lot of people but certainly not by those who know me. And I'm always very open about Tony, if anyone can't doesn't like it then that's their problem, not mine and they have to cope with it because I sure as hell don't.

Thank you for putting into words what we all feel.

Rose