What kind of relationship does he deserve?

[dalesgirl]

I am not going to make a judgement as to what another person deserves. Some people on death row killed many people, were very sadistic and cruel. Others were young, stupid, on drugs and had they been given the chance could have been rehabilitated. So I dont think you can say "people on DR" as if they are one big group of people who are all the same.
I also wont judge those who choose to love them. Mostly in this world we are doing the best we can, in the situation we are in with the knowledge and skills that we have. I have never walked in your shoes, so I am not going to say its okay or not okay for you to love someone who is LWOP or DP.
All that said, I know I am not strong enough. I love my husband to be, but I live for the day, just over 15 months away that he comes home. I don't know if I could stand by his side for the rest of our lives if that was what we were facing. I am a needy women and I don't know if it would be enough. I do have a friend that is doing Life with his man, and has already been married 7 years, together 10. She is amazing in her devotion to his man but there is a slim chance he will come home, and I think that's part of what keeps her going.
I am by the way since it seems to be part of this thread anti-death penalty and pro-choice. Yes i know that doesn't match but its how I feel.

[leeannev]

Iam with someone on DR and Iam NOT a groupie. Knowing what I know about his life and how he grew up I really dont see how anyone could have expected him to end up anywhere else.He was severely abused and caught up in gangs by the time he was 12 and then ended up on dr for a gang related crime.Just like he doesnt hold the mistakes Ive made against me Iam not going to hold his against him. I choose to look at the bigger picture and feel compassion for everyone involved in the whole horrible situation.He doesnt expect me to stay faithful and maybe someday I wont but I seriously doubt it. What I get from being with him is way more than what I could get just going out and sleeping with someone.I dont think anyone has the right to decide who deserves love and who doesnt.

[julesbabes2013]

Any luvin is good luvin! thats what i think. I think the guys know how hard it is to expect anyone to have a relationship with them and they must realise that before they start to write to someone. they know the drawbacks etc; must be difficult for them but i guess they see the benefits outway the negatives so they go for it!

[bunnybunny]

If someone is still alive, they are still capable of being loved..and loving someone in return. What kind of monsters would we be to try and deny that basic right from anyone?

As far as "DR groupies"...well, that's a sad, misguided term thrown around by people who know nothing about anything. It takes all kinds...and who's to say someone with a love on DR is somehow not happier or more fulfilled than someone who's married to a person around 24/7?

I think ignorance and fear are the enemies in all things, and on this subject as well.

[DaveMoff]

bunnybunny....I think we would have to be the same sort of monsters many prisoners are accused of being.

Let's be fair: most people in prison belong there under the current legal system (portions of which may be argued indefinitely). Particularly in the case of non-violent prisoners, however....they have not sacrificed the right to be regarded as human. And the "mad dog criminal" so popular in Hollywood is a rare bird indeed. Even some of those have been known to see the light...they should have every chance.

[Deirdre13]

Originally Posted by esteli

the question is do you think that a man with a harsh sentence as in dp or lwop deserves to have a faithful, dedicated woman by his side? well as oppose to someone doing a short bid and he's getting out so he can start a dedicated relationship because he'll be home soon.

in talking to a couple of women they say not someone with such a harsh sentence. actually she said, he doesn't deserve 100% loyalty. the other woman said he is lucky to have anyone there for him at all.

so are these the men who get the woman who is married or living with someone else or dating, whatever her situation but not totally dedicated to him. could he ask for more? is it fair that he ask for that dedication and loyalty?

what is your take on this?

and on the woman's part of this, is it ok she protect herself from his harsh sentence by having someone else in her life? maybe some women lead double lives, I read this in another thread. what is your take on these women who seek out men who aren't ever coming home as their "secret" relationship, or side relationship?

I'm curious to know people's opinions after I spoke with these friends and read some threads on this forum. Many posts here and there mention the responsibility of the penpal and their lack of honesty, how these men get played also they aren't the only one's playing women, etc. Also the term groupie is thrown around and I'm not sure what that really means.

i think if any woman feels like the ones this member mentioned,then they are the ones that don't deserve loyalty or anyone ever being in a relationship with them. seriously? what the f*ck kind of woman would say that about their inmate whether it's MWI or otherwise?! as for the women that are ashamed to tell people about their inmate? well i'll get deleted if i say that. it's very much true that some of the women who become pen pals to these men use and lie to them. i'm sure we have all heard the stories from our men and pen pals.
so to answer one of the questions of course they deserve loyalty and to be in a relationship.
second one,i've heard from my own man and some of my pen pals that a lot of the women who write are not honest about their looks and or weight and other things as well.
third one, i guess a groupie would be like a serial MWI'er and somewhat like the women that flocked around richard ramirez,and other high profile death row inmates. i don't understand the mentality if it either... i'm not talking about women in relationships with DR inmates. i'm referring to the term dr groupie

[InsomniaCT]

ANY relationship that I have involves trust, commitment, loyalty, dedication and honesty. Whether we are friends or a couple, you can expect this from me, and I will expect it from you. My LO and I discussed the "rules" prior to changing from friend to romance; we agreed to fidelity and monogamy--everything else was already a part of our friendship. I don't keep my relationship a secret, but I don't broadcast it either. Privacy is something neither of us are allowed, as all of our communication is monitored, so there are times that I opt for privacy when it comes to him. I know that he is asked about me by guys and CO's, and doubt that he shares anything with them; if they don't know about me it's because they aren't close to him, and if they aren't close enough for him to have shared this with them, he feels no need to share now.

Honestly, I get really frustrated by these women. A person's location or residence doesn't change their need for connection and companionship. When we focus on the cage around the man, rather than the man, our eyes need adjusting. He isn't my inmate, he's my man. If we were not together, I would not be on the hunt for another man on death row (or anywhere, for that matter)...I have often felt that I am a serial monogamist, but that is related to being in one relationship at a time, and having had more than one relationship in my life. I cannot imagine looking to replicate the "death row experience", or be open only to men on DR. I am puzzled by women who seem to seek out these relationships--which is different from women who may have had more than one relationship with someone on DR (if I were a penpal to several men, and not involved, I can see where this relationship would be possible). I know that my LO is very careful about the letters he receives from people who offer friendship, etc., as their motivation can be suspect. He has spent much of his life being disappointed by others, used and cast aside, which makes him pretty vigilant--particularly to someone who does not feel that he is worthy of commitment or loyalty.

[OhioWife4Life]

Wow! I can't believe this question was even asked! We are all humans with emotions, regardless of what we have done in life!

My Husband did 26 years on the Row and he is the best thing that ever happened to me!

People shouldn't Judge until they have walked a mile or two in someone's shoes!

[notyourordinary]

My LO isn't lwop or death row but I firmly believe that you deserve the relationship you give. As in if you give love and respect then you deserve the same. If you don't you deserve nothing.