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janicejackson · #1 07-02-2009, 09:09 PM

I am new to the prison system etc... This is my first time having my son incarcerated. What is it about telling someone you have a loved one in prison that make people look at you as if you are a criminal? Why are people judgemental of the whole family, of the incarcerated one? I am not embarassed at all that my son is incarcerated, I am glad that he is owning up to his responsibilities and he has learned a very valuable lesson and thru this he has got his life and priorities in order.

prsnmom · #2 07-02-2009, 09:34 PM

I do find myself in positions where I have to admit my son is in prison. I will be the first to tell you that I don't like to admit it because they automatically think your child is evil and think you must have terrible parenting skills to have allowed this to happen. They don't realize the majority of the prison population is not evil and are just people that made bad decisions. Those that know me well already know my son is in prison and know what I have gone through and know my son for the person he was before drugs stormed into his life.

The thing that irritates me the most is how the system treats the family. They treat them as though they are criminals too. They don't realize we are just as much of a victim as anyone else.

This has always been something that makes me furious!!

Duckfeeder · #3 07-02-2009, 09:51 PM

Makes you appreciate the other people who have had to go through this.I thought there was a chance my son would get out last Monday and I was purchasing clothes to send ,i told the sales lady and I thought she would run out of the store! Sometimes you just have to laugh.I know him and pray for him,and I think ,hope and pray this is a good thing for my son and yours.

tigrldy · #4 07-03-2009, 06:39 AM

People never stop to think how easy it can be for one wrong decidsion to get you caught up in something against the law. A good example: Here speeding in a works zone that causes an accident resulting in death can get you an 8 year (do 4 less with time cuts) prison sentence. Everyone one speeds and many in work zones. They just always assume the worst until something effects them.

My son told a guard who was hassling him once that the difference between them was that he (son) got caught. They guard shoot his head and walked away.

I don't tell people that don't already know. People don't have the right to know everything they want to know and somethings are private.

janicejackson · #5 07-03-2009, 12:27 PM

You know I think I used to be one of those people who thought it must be the parents fault, that they didn't raise their child better. I know when I was growing up there was the cutest little kid around the corner. He was so beautiful blonde haired blue eyed and so quiet he had 2 older brothers, who where loud and mean and I thought the 2 older brothers would end up in prison but no the youngest one went out one night and ended up shooting a police officer, one of the others was a victim of a horrible crime he was shot in the head while sitting at a stop sign, I have no idea what happened to the other, but these boys all came from a good family and just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover. My son is in for drugs, smuggling across the border to be exact. I raised him good, I could not of loved him more. His father still does drugs. I divorced him a long time ago for that reason. I lost my son a long time ago, now he is back I see the young man I raised. I believe prison has turned him around and it is probably the best thing that has happened to him. I do not volunteer to tell people he is in jail but if they ask I tell the truth. I am just as proud of him today as I was before he went to jail. I hope and pray he will not be there much longer.

judean07 · #6 07-03-2009, 12:55 PM

Until you have a loved one locked up in a cage, you have no way of knowing. Most people think they know, they do not. My b/f sister, after I had just arrived home from a visit. Said that she thought that prisoners should have to wear white and black strips, then I would not have to worry about a dress code. Most of the time I just let whatever she says about anything just fly by me. Well I had been up since 3:00am, drove six hours and it did not let this fly by me. I told her what I though got up kissed his parents good by. She said "I am sorry, I know how you feel...this just set me off. NO! you do not know how I feel and by the grace of GOD you will never have to know the h*** I live with each day. She backed down, she is not use to me going off. She said she was sorry and I was right, by the grace of GOD she prays she will never have to live though one of her children being locked away. What I am trying to say is there is a time when people need to be told the truth...the truth about who is really sitting in our prisons. It is not the worst of the worst it is kids with addictions, the only reason they sit there is because of an addiction. I have found that many do not believe me when I tell the this. If they would only do a little bit of research they would see the facts for themselves. With one in hundred locked away, 1 in 33 on probation or parole within the United States what will it take to wake up America. Never forget that GOD is on our side. I am not ashamed my son is in prison, I am proud of the changes he has made and the man is has became. I would tell the world...but who would listen?

MamaB58 · #7 07-03-2009, 01:01 PM

My opinion has changed so much since my sons situation. We have a prison close to us where there is always inmates out on tractors, in the fields, etc. I used to look at them and wonder "what did they do". Now I look at them and think "thats someones son, father, brother, etc and they miss him as much as I miss mine"

2sonsinprison · #8 07-03-2009, 01:28 PM

I, too find it hard to tell some people where my sons are...sometimes i just hold my breath and hope they don't ask about them...unless u walk in our shoes u don't and can't understand what we go through...i feel that i was locked up right along with them sometimes....find strength and comfort from those who really truely care....

heartbrokenmom · #9 07-03-2009, 03:52 PM

It used to bother me to tell someone my son was in prison. I still at times do not like to tell anyone, but it doesn't bother me as bad as it used to because it could happen to anyone. I have told some and they show compassion and seem to really feel for what you are going through. I don't care what people think, I am proud of my son. He is the strongest person I know to have been through what he has gone through, and they can think what they want to, I don't care anymore what these high and mighty people think. Some think that their s*** don't stink and I've got news for them, they put their pants on just like my son and everyone else. They are no better in God's eyes. He loves everyone and everyone makes mistakes, some just get caught, some don't, some make bad choices and their life takes a turn for the worse. So as far as I'm concerned, my son is as good a person or better than some of them. I know I raised him the best I could and I know he has a good, kind heart. So let them think what they want to think about me or my family. It doesn't bother me what they think or how they ridicule. I've always found out to watch what you say, it could happen to you.

angel mathews · #10 07-03-2009, 04:00 PM

With all the new and ridiculous laws coming down the pike we all might end up in jail someday so no one really has the right to look down their noses at our children it very well could be themselves or their children one day

Unless of course you are a mega millionaire and can buy a one hour sentence

JK

earlsgirl22 · #11 07-03-2009, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by janicejackson

I am new to the prison system etc... This is my first time having my son incarcerated. What is it about telling someone you have a loved one in prison that make people look at you as if you are a criminal? Why are people judgemental of the whole family, of the incarcerated one? I am not embarassed at all that my son is incarcerated, I am glad that he is owning up to his responsibilities and he has learned a very valuable lesson and thru this he has got his life and priorities in order.

very well said

Leenie46 · #12 07-03-2009, 04:13 PM

Who gets caught and who dont. THat is the huge difference between a lot of our sons/daughters in prison and their friends who arent. My son - who is struggling again - has sooooo many friends that deserve to sit in prison right next to my son. Does my anger boileth over?? Yes, sometimes it does. Especially when I know my son will more than likely be back in trouble and his so called buddies will go on with their merry little lives. Then my son gets the rep of being the bad boy/the drug addict/the screw up.

I dont give a hoot what my co-workers think about me - I could point out many a co-worker that exhibit signs of drug use or reeking of stale alcohol from their bar fling the night before. What makes them any better than my son??? They didnt get caught.

I too will always love my son. Right now I am not happy with him, but I will always love him and always be proud that he is my son.

janicejackson · #13 07-03-2009, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judean07

Until you have a loved one locked up in a cage, you have no way of knowing. Most people think they know, they do not. My b/f sister, after I had just arrived home from a visit. Said that she thought that prisoners should have to wear white and black strips, then I would not have to worry about a dress code. Most of the time I just let whatever she says about anything just fly by me. Well I had been up since 3:00am, drove six hours and it did not let this fly by me. I told her what I though got up kissed his parents good by. She said "I am sorry, I know how you feel...this just set me off. NO! you do not know how I feel and by the grace of GOD you will never have to know the h*** I live with each day. She backed down, she is not use to me going off. She said she was sorry and I was right, by the grace of GOD she prays she will never have to live though one of her children being locked away. What I am trying to say is there is a time when people need to be told the truth...the truth about who is really sitting in our prisons. It is not the worst of the worst it is kids with addictions, the only reason they sit there is because of an addiction. I have found that many do not believe me when I tell the this. If they would only do a little bit of research they would see the facts for themselves. With one in hundred locked away, 1 in 33 on probation or parole within the United States what will it take to wake up America. Never forget that GOD is on our side. I am not ashamed my son is in prison, I am proud of the changes he has made and the man is has became. I would tell the world...but who would listen?

I would like you to know that I would listen to you.Oh I have had to kick myself in the pants for all the bad things I thought about people in prison now that I am a parent I see the forest. I have to admit I am guilty as charged. I was the one thinking everyone in prison deserved to be there. Oh how wrong I was. I know what you are talking about when you talk of addiction I didn't even know my son was addicted. Now in hind site I see alll the signs just like in hind site I see how wrong I was about people in prison. So please if you have a need to talk, vent etc.... Just look me up I am ready to listen.

dutchgirl1 · #14 07-03-2009, 06:18 PM

about 10 yrs or so back, my hubby and I worked at a homeless shelter. this was a dilipitaded house and my hubby and a few others completely restored it. 1/2 was mens shelter (hsed about 6) and the other 1/2 was where we lived. we had bathroom, kitchen, living room. couch was our bed. my hubby also did a lot of the cooking... we would have services and feed the street people a couple times a week. it was amazing the people who would 'donate' clothing or food. some - you knew it was from their heart... others, well it was more like 'there I did my good deed' they would snub the people. then there was the street people themselves. that is where we learned the difference.... some are there by choice and in that group some have the mind like I am down and out and you are obligated to help me. others were there by no fault of their own just circumstances. you see I dont care how rich you are, we are all one penny away, one devasting fire away, one business crash away etc etc. from being on the street. it is the same for us here... who thought their child would grow up and become incarcerated ? people should not judge another for they may one day find themselves asking for help one day or having to come here to find someone to reach out to.
one of our pastors favorite verses, and now mine also, is 1 Cor 4:3 & 4.... But it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of mans judgement.. yea, I dont even judge myself. etc.

hugs janice.
d'gal

alexsci · #15 07-03-2009, 09:24 PM

My daughter and I were just discussing this. She is afraid people will judge her by her brother. There is nothing she can do about that because that is a reflection on the judgemental person and not her. I went through this whole "judging thing" when I began to speak of my son's mental illness years ago. Sometimes I speak to college psychology classes on the impact of mental illness on the family. You can watch faces as you speak and know that people sitting in front of you have a relative with an illness or an addiction or that some of them just have no clue the difficulties that are faced. Speaking to groups helps me a lot and after my talk is over there is usually at least one person who will come up to me and tell me a story about a family member.

dutchgirl1 · #16 07-04-2009, 08:32 AM

alexsci... my youngest daughter, as a young teen, was raped. she went thru a lot of different things...drinking, suicide attempts, she carried the stigma with her for many years. she had spent some time at a place for her suicide attempt and when she came home she wanted to help others. she sings like an angel. well at church one sunday, she gave her FULL testimony and sang in between. many people say that when she sings, it doesnt go thru the ears, but straight into your heart. anyhow, afterwards, there were many people who went up to talk with her. one elderly lady, came up to me, and with tears in her eyes, asked me how did my daughter know? as a young girl, she had been raped, and hid it for many many years. and here this young girl was telling everyone what she herself had felt and gone thru mentally all this time.
the wonder of this site, is that many of us always think we are the only ones, and dont speak up... then we find others who know and understand what we are going thru.
continue to speak and encourage. be blessed.

d'gal

mrwalker · #17 07-10-2009, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2sonsinprison

I, too find it hard to tell some people where my sons are...sometimes i just hold my breath and hope they don't ask about them...unless u walk in our shoes u don't and can't understand what we go through...i feel that i was locked up right along with them sometimes....find strength and comfort from those who really truely care....

I totally agree with what you said. People don't understand unless they are in our shoes. None of us brought our children up to be in these circumstances. More importantly, I doubt any of them intended to end up in these circumstances. My son's bad decisions got him where he is. He knows that. He was brought up in a middle class home, with parents that work hard, and provided him with a good childhood. Welcome the "social drug/alcohol use" of his teenage years, his first son when he was 18 years old and getting ready to go to a prestigious art school on an all-but-full-ride scholarship, and then more drug use. His addiction was something we had no control over, and neither did he. Now, because of God's grace, he's gotten straight. He's been a completely different man. We'd prayed for a miracle, and this is what it's taken. He now has four beautiful children and a wife waiting for his return! Not to mention his sister, his dad, me, my dad, my sisters, all his cousins, etc. I don't really see the need to tell many outside that circle. I've told my bosses, who needed to know what I was going through. But, beyond that, I don't have the energy to deal with those that might possibly be uncaring about what's going on. Frankly, that's on them, not on us. We have enough to deal with. That's one of the reasons I come here. Look at the incredible support we give each other!!!!

ajpsmom · #18 07-11-2009, 04:40 PM

I haven't told many people myself. I was afraid that most wouldn't understand or would see me as the "bad" Mom. I have gotten passed that quiet a bit but still keep this to myself haven't even told much family. I am not ashamed of him in fact I am proud of him for now taking responsibility for his actions. I agree with mrwalker who has the time to explain these things to people who are not really caring I'm sure I'll have to share it with some since he will be away for at least 3 years but for now only those I believe won't judge. Of course noone can understand what it is like until your own child is in the situation, and I agree that the difference between my son and many many others is that he got caught! My Dad was an NY City police officer and one of my other sons wanted to be a police officer, so this truly wasn't the way my sons values were but he made mistakes that have put him were he is. Addiction is very powerful when it has a hold of someone. My son has already told me that if it wasn't for getting caught he probably just would of gotten into worse trouble. I think the reason I come here is because we are all in simular situations. Noone can truly understand unless they walk a mile in someone elses shoes right!!!!!

rockys lil girl · #19 07-11-2009, 05:14 PM

People are always going to be judgemental but remember like you said your glad hes owning up to his mistakes and has set his priorities straight and that is all that matters. You know how you raised your son and who cares what others think. Until one of those people that judge are in your shoes then they will know how we feel.

countryblocks · #20 07-11-2009, 07:32 PM

Our son has a drug and alcohol problem. This is his 4th time in prison. My son and daughter and all of our relatives don't want anything to do with him. They call him all kinds of names and said we should forget him.

heartbrokenmom · #21 07-11-2009, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by countryblocks

Our son has a drug and alcohol problem. This is his 4th time in prison. My son and daughter and all of our relatives don't want anything to do with him. They call him all kinds of names and said we should forget him.

That is terrible!! I know you can't forget your son and how could they even say such a thing. Do they not understand that you are hurting inside? Maybe they are angry at him for putting you through so much and sounds like they are definitely mad at him, but he still needs love and to not give up hope. I'm so sorry that they call him names, I know this must hurt you so much!!