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Wishin4TheBest · #1 08-28-2009, 10:08 PM

Okay. I really thought I would never be back on this site due to my man being back in prison. This tiime things are a bit different.

We have been together 41/2 years , the 2nd yr he was in jail. We now have a son, who is 11 months old. This time around he is looking at ...5 years we think, we are guessing because he is still going to court for this.
During my pregnancy, he started sniff dope...he stopped a few times, but it strted to get worse and worse. We ended up seperating, in a sense, because we still loved each other but i couldnt live with him like that. We were only officially broken up for about a month. Anyway, ends up he is running around robbing people, going boosting, sleeping with girls that would give him $ and let him drive their car around..all this shhh that I only knew the half of, until now....I want to hate him for all he has done to me, but the truth is I don't. I can't! I love him with all my heart , even though I am angry and upset. We have a child and I wanted nothing more than a happy family...and I feel like that is ruined.

He says it was the drugs that made him not care, not only about me and my son but himself even. I can understand this, but his unfaithfulness to me, his complete disregard for me pisses me off in the worst way...I feel like everyday I am sitting here thinking about what he was doing out here...living in the past that i can not change. Now, he is so sorry, he was f'd up, he sees what he lost (again) and he loves his son and he wants us to be able to get back our friendship and find the love we once knew, the love that was so real, the pre-drugs,pre-cheating love....

Ladies, I want to belive it .. In a lot of ways I do, but, I heard this the last time he was locked up, the whole I am going to be a better man, let me show you, let me prove it....

I do think things happen for a reason, if he didn't end up in jail right now he would end up in a worse ssituation or dead even because that was the road he was headed down. Our "relationship" would have dissapeared into a hatred and my son would be stuck in the middle of.

Could this be the chance we needed to get it all back? For him tto really change? I really wish it was...I don't know if I have 5 years in me...what if he lets me down all over? I can't just abandon him..I wouldn't because of the baby. But to sit here and belive this is it? I am so confused and scared....any opinions? adice? thoughts? please...

Mommy4Two · #2 08-28-2009, 10:20 PM

Well, my initial thought is to take a step back!! Don't get overwhelmed just because there's a looming prison sentence... Your life is your life, regardless if he's in prison or not! You need to think about you and your child first!

I can't tell you to give him another chance or not... You need to decide if he's worth it! You're the only one who knows him and your situation... Just remember that if you give him another chance that it was your decision and not his... If he gets out and starts getting smacked up again, that's your loss-NOT HIS!!!! You're the one that waited on him in hopes that he'd stay clean! He loses nothing, maybe some dignity, but not really... He had you waiting and then he screwed up, you gain nothing, but he also loses nothing... He has to clean up and stay sober before he'll realize what things in life REALLY mean the most! And if he starts getting high again, that's what means the most and losing you and his son won't hurt as much as not getting high!!!

Help him to get help!!!! Once he's clean and sober, that's when you'll know better to stick around or not!

mane's heart · #3 08-28-2009, 10:22 PM

Well...I feel for you. But you should know that drug addiction is a sickness. When someone is addicted to drugs they are not themselves in any way. They are consumed by this addiction, it is their life. They cannot control their urges for it nor can they simply quit. The things your man did while on this drug were for him to survive. He knew not that he was hurting you and your son. He knew only that if he didn't supply his habit he would be "dope sick". And sweetie, heroin is the most powerful drug of them all. One cannot, in no way possible, kick this habit alone. He needs you...you don't have to be his girl again but be his friend, for the sake of your son. It would be completely different if he was out there doing this without "the monkey on his back"...but he did. He wasn't cheating because he was attracted to or romantically involved with those women...it was because he was sick. And what do you do when your'e sick? You get your money and go get some medicine,right? You shouldn't cast down blame on him. For many falsely believe that "just a little but" will due until "a little bit" turns into a little more, then it becomes everyday, then it's a full blown addiction. Help him. You love him. But let him know that if you decide to get back together with him it will take time, and he will have to be patient. First start with forgiveness. And that too will take time. But once you have found it in your heart to forgive him all else will fall into place. Insh' Allah you will find this to be of some assistance to you. If you want to talk just PM me. Good Luck!

Wishin4TheBest · #4 08-28-2009, 10:33 PM

Thank you Ladies. In the past year and change, I have tried very hard to helpful, supportive and everything...I think that while we were together, the few weeks he did stop, the atlk and consideration of rehab, had a lot to do with the fact that he had me and the baby to live for and to not let down and he had my support which I thinkhelped him not to go full force withthe drugs....it was when I kicked him out...thats when it got really bad. I feel guilty sometimes, but I know he makes his own decisions. I do not want to see him fall on his face..As of right now, since he has been i n jail he has put on some weight, a good 15-20 lbs in the last month and a half, he looks healthy and dounds focused. This man I am now dealing with is the man I love, its the other man..I hate. If I do do all this with him....and he comes home and f's up again..that is not only my lose, but his as well...this could very well be another chance to fix what is broken in his life...it is difficult and I feel weak right now...How do I start to forgive him? I really want to...

Mommy4Two · #5 08-28-2009, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wishin4TheBest

Thank you Ladies. In the past year and change, I have tried very hard to helpful, supportive and everything...I think that while we were together, the few weeks he did stop, the atlk and consideration of rehab, had a lot to do with the fact that he had me and the baby to live for and to not let down and he had my support which I thinkhelped him not to go full force withthe drugs....it was when I kicked him out...thats when it got really bad. I feel guilty sometimes, but I know he makes his own decisions. I do not want to see him fall on his face..As of right now, since he has been i n jail he has put on some weight, a good 15-20 lbs in the last month and a half, he looks healthy and dounds focused. This man I am now dealing with is the man I love, its the other man..I hate. If I do do all this with him....and he comes home and f's up again..that is not only my lose, but his as well...this could very well be another chance to fix what is broken in his life...it is difficult and I feel weak right now...How do I start to forgive him? I really want to...

When I said it was your loss and not his, please don't take that insultingly!!!! I was referring to his addiction! If he gets out and starts doing drugs again then that's gonna be his number one priority and he's not gonna care if you're there or not... Unless you are his enabler and allow him to do this! Then he'll really care because he'll need you for money, shelter, support, etc... And yes, in moments of sobriety, he may say that he needs you and loves you, etc... but those tiny moments are usually fleeting... I was simply adding to what you were saying about him getting out and screwing up again and you not wanting to wait just for him to screw up! I don't mean to offend and I'm usually an optimist, but when it comes to drugs, I've lost most hope...

I'm dealing with this myself with my own husband... He's been in prison for 3 1/2 years and I wonder if he hasn't done it while in there and that scares me! I've heard and he says all the same things that we see here on PTO everyday! We'll just have to wait and see... I trust him, but I still have the fear that he'll come home and go back to using... I feel it's not likely with him, but it's a very real possibility... It's harder to accept that now (3 1/2 years later) than it was in the beginning...

Wishin4TheBest · #6 08-28-2009, 10:52 PM

No offense taken =) I am trying so hard to be optimistic I have moments of clarity..but not always...I wish i could rewind....this is so hard. Its is hard to look at him while he crys to me about how sorry he is and tell him I can't do this...It is crazy..

mane's heart · #7 08-28-2009, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wishin4thebest

thank you ladies. In the past year and change, i have tried very hard to helpful, supportive and everything...i think that while we were together, the few weeks he did stop, the atlk and consideration of rehab, had a lot to do with the fact that he had me and the baby to live for and to not let down and he had my support which i thinkhelped him not to go full force withthe drugs....it was when i kicked him out...thats when it got really bad. I feel guilty sometimes, but i know he makes his own decisions. I do not want to see him fall on his face..as of right now, since he has been i n jail he has put on some weight, a good 15-20 lbs in the last month and a half, he looks healthy and dounds focused. This man i am now dealing with is the man i love, its the other man..i hate. If i do do all this with him....and he comes home and f's up again..that is not only my lose, but his as well...this could very well be another chance to fix what is broken in his life...it is difficult and i feel weak right now...how do i start to forgive him? I really want to...

you have to look to the lord for guidance. It only he who can guide you to the right path. You can do it...and you want you are just scared. But if no one fell in love because they were scared of getting hurt then there would be no one in love at all. Do keep your guard up, remember start with forgiveness, then friendship. I have not given up on those dealing with drug addictions...and will continue to support them. It is you (their family) who keeps them strong and remindful of what they were like on them drugs. They need family when they are going through this. Please, just try. If you at least try then whatever the outcome you will feel alot better knowing that you gave it a shot.

pamelalynn · #8 08-28-2009, 11:59 PM

The person who "quits" drugs without treatment is like the alcoholic who just stops drinking. They are "dry" but not in recovery. I think the proof of true desire to overcome the addiction will be in how he serves his time. Without a "program" there is little chance that he can get a handle on the "sickness" of drug addiction. For you, help is available through FREE alanon type programs. They helped me TREMENDOUSLY to make clear headed decisions about MY life and the lives of my children. You have to help yourself, before you can ever help him. His illness has affected you in ways you'll need help to understand. Sometimes, as was my reality, my ex never really wanted to recover, he had periods of "dryness" that made my life hell. Hence the word ex ... There are so many out there to help you. You sound like you have hit YOUR bottom, which may be different than his ... there is no where else to go but up. Whether it is with your husband or not, you have to get well for yourself so that you can be the responsble and healthy parent your child needs. Only you can decide when you've had enough. Take a good look at your son's face and decide what you want for him !!!

dwfighterva · #9 08-29-2009, 08:05 AM

Who says you have to decide it all right now? Take it one day at a time. When you wake up, decide if you will love him or not for that day only. 5 years is a big commitment but then you still don't know what he is facing.

One thing though, when you love an addict (and he is one), you take who he is in all phases. You can't choose to only love the good side when he is sober; you have to love the ugly part, too. I know you want a happy ending, but the happy part may or may not include him. What kind of role model is he for your son? This is the main "man" you need to focus on in your life right now. Take it one day at a time, wait and see what his sentence is, then each day decide if you can handle it or not.

dizsqueen · #10 08-29-2009, 08:45 AM

I'll give it to you from my position as a daughter of a crack addict.
My life was perfect, I was daddy's lil girl for many years, until daddy found crack. Now 20 something years later, my dad is still addicted and I am still taking the backseat to his drug habit! He was in and out of my life, in while he was clean, out when he was hooked. And trust me, he was only in for a month at a time, 2 months at the most. I wouldn't hear from him for YEARS!!!! The longest time was 10 years. It was a rollercoaster ride and one that I refuse to ever be a willing participant too. Although there is no doubt in my mind that my father does love me, there is also no doubt in my mind that he loves crack more. It's a hard battle if you choose to stay with him, you are subjecting yourself to relapse, lies, disease (because he is sleeping with other women while he is high), abuse, theft, violence, and the worst part...watching your loved one kill himself (because that is what he is doing while he is using, killing himself slowly). Are you strong enough to handle that?

SpicaRigel · #11 08-29-2009, 11:26 AM

If he wants to get clean for himself, and for his own life, there is hope.
He cant do it for you or your child.
If you love him then yes, stay with him and be of support.
But you have to come first! You!
If you dont take care of you, you cant take care of your child or him.
You have to come first in your life, and his sobriety has to come above all else,even above you and your child, if he loses his sobriety he loses everything else.
Love him, stand by him, but do not co-sign any bs from him.
Like dw said...take it a day at a time.

smokeyswife · #12 08-29-2009, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wishin4TheBest

Okay. I really thought I would never be back on this site due to my man being back in prison. This tiime things are a bit different.
..

Wishing4thebest~ you have been through alot before, during, and after your pregnacy. You are blessed to have a healthy and happy son...
I cant put myself into your shoes, because, havent been in your shoes-- but you have been through alot and I think you should be able to move on, because it does seem like you can continue on his ways and wait another 5 years and wishing and hoping he would change.
Why just remain friends due to your sons sake. If things blossom into more then a friendship down the line (after the 5 years) then great fantastic, but you should worry more about you and your son, then the dude your with. You have another responsibility then just worring about some man who seems to careless about you. He said hes changed, he could be telling the truth, but then again he could be lying just to keep you around...
You only know whats best for you and your son...
Just take a break and think about is it really worth it?
Can I deal with the BS that he put me through?
His he going to do it again?
Does my son deserve this type of father?
I hope things work out for you the way you want them too... Good luck..

rodeointx · #13 08-29-2009, 02:37 PM

there is no proof that he will change there is nothing anyone can predict about the situation. but thru God all things really are possible. for me having to admit i was powerless to save my man from self destruction via speed addiction was extremely hard. i am a mother and as a mom i am very skilled at the art of fixing things. you cant fix an addiction.

turn your husband over to the one that loves him the most, his creator. pray for wisdom and strength for both you and your husband. get in a program. your addict he is but you still need help. i go to celebrate recovery you can find one by you they are all over the world.

weather or not you choose to stay with your husband i advise that you forgive him. everyone sins some sins feel worse than others but to God they are all the same. forgiving him frees you for becoming a slave to anger.

no matter what you do both of you have a child and next to God that child should be your first priority.

there is also an addiction forum here that has some really good info in it.

cblueiis · #14 08-29-2009, 03:57 PM

Step back take a deep breath and remember you don't have to make a decision right this minute. I wish prison would be the magic wand that changes our loved ones but realistically we know this is not always the case......you have you and a child to consider and only you know what is best for both of you. Since you have such mixed feelings just sit down and weigh it all out. Love does not conquer all......

Seattle118 · #15 08-29-2009, 04:14 PM

Because you asked for opinions and advice... here's mine.

"past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior". That said, nothing is written in stone. As a member of AA, I know that recovery is possible, but it is a personal committment the addict/alcoholic must make for themselves.

Is your man is attending narcotics anonymous meetings? They have them available in prison, please encourage him to check it out.

For yourself: run - don't walk - to your nearest al-anon meeting. They will help you understand how you can make choices and live your life with sanity while engaged with someone struggling with an addiction. Although it is related to alcohol, it would work with any addiction. It really helped me when I was dating an alcoholic/pot user.

Here is the website for alanon groups in an area of New York:
http://www.al-anonny.org/

if this isn't your area, just google Al-anon for your area. Help is available

Wishin4TheBest · #16 08-29-2009, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dizsqueen

I'll give it to you from my position as a daughter of a crack addict.
My life was perfect, I was daddy's lil girl for many years, until daddy found crack. Now 20 something years later, my dad is still addicted and I am still taking the backseat to his drug habit! He was in and out of my life, in while he was clean, out when he was hooked. And trust me, he was only in for a month at a time, 2 months at the most. I wouldn't hear from him for YEARS!!!! The longest time was 10 years. It was a rollercoaster ride and one that I refuse to ever be a willing participant too. Although there is no doubt in my mind that my father does love me, there is also no doubt in my mind that he loves crack more. It's a hard battle if you choose to stay with him, you are subjecting yourself to relapse, lies, disease (because he is sleeping with other women while he is high), abuse, theft, violence, and the worst part...watching your loved one kill himself (because that is what he is doing while he is using, killing himself slowly). Are you strong enough to handle that?

The answer is, No. I feel right now I am not strong enough to handle what I have been throeugh. The past haunts me every day. I love him, I do, I really do...its so sad. everyday is different, actually every hour is different. I am going to see him tomorrow...another visit, another conversation about the same things I am feeling. But I can't help it.

Wishin4TheBest · #17 08-29-2009, 09:34 PM

I would like to thank EVERYONE for their responses. They are all very intuitive and helpful. Al-anon sounds like it would help..maybe even in the forgivness process. Sometimes, I am so angry, about my life and the crap that has happened...but these choices are mine even though it is him who is doing the drugs and him who is doing the cheatin. My heart will not allow me to leave this man in his time of need. I am angry that while I was trying to help him and while I worried about him he was sleeping with someone else..I am angry that he disn't care about me. He says he loves me but his actions showed differently. Maybe he does, and maybe he sees he is wrong, maybe he is just keeping me around...how can I tell? I guess that if he choices to go into a program in prison he is taking a step in the right direction. I do need to learn how to put myself and my son first, and it is sad that I don't know how...I have put him before me for a long time now...and the truth is I don't know how to stop letting him and his decisions effect my everyday life, even though they have had a huge impact on me..my feelings and my sanity. I will start to take each day as it is presented to me, and I will deal with my feelings on a daily basis...

Mommy4Two · #18 08-29-2009, 11:12 PM

Well, I think women are natural caregivers and this "instint" takes over no matter who the person is that needs help!!!! You can't put yourself first until you've learned how! You have to practice it... Believe me, I'm still in that stage myself! (my family won't even give me money as gifts because they know I'll spend it on my kids!) Yeah, I know it's bad!

I know it's easy to sit here and type an opinion or to give advice, but it's easier said than done! You seem to already have the right ideas in mind! Dealing with big problems on a small basis for the time being seems like a good place to start! If you divide and conquer the issues, they won't seem so bad... It's definitely a lot easier to sit and take it one day at a time over one prison sentence at a time! Although you claim to be weak, you seem to be very strong! Knowing when things are getting too tough and being able to step up and admit that takes a very strong woman... And you've done just that! Don't be so hard on yourself!

I'm not sure if you can "tell" what his intentions are... You just have to let go and have faith sometimes... If you really love him and believe in him and want the best for him, maybe he needs the benefit of the doubt this time... Even with him, take it one day at a time... Let him know that you'll be there for him and you'll support him... But also let him know that right now you need to focus on each day as it comes... That you can't commit yourself for anything more than today... If he truly loves you he should understand... He may not like the sound of it in the beginning, but it may eventually be your indicator as to whether you should stick around or not...

Wishin4TheBest · #19 08-30-2009, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommy4Two

Well, I think women are natural caregivers and this "instint" takes over no matter who the person is that needs help!!!! You can't put yourself first until you've learned how! You have to practice it... Believe me, I'm still in that stage myself! (my family won't even give me money as gifts because they know I'll spend it on my kids!) Yeah, I know it's bad!

I know it's easy to sit here and type an opinion or to give advice, but it's easier said than done! You seem to already have the right ideas in mind! Dealing with big problems on a small basis for the time being seems like a good place to start! If you divide and conquer the issues, they won't seem so bad... It's definitely a lot easier to sit and take it one day at a time over one prison sentence at a time! Although you claim to be weak, you seem to be very strong! Knowing when things are getting too tough and being able to step up and admit that takes a very strong woman... And you've done just that! Don't be so hard on yourself!

I'm not sure if you can "tell" what his intentions are... You just have to let go and have faith sometimes... If you really love him and believe in him and want the best for him, maybe he needs the benefit of the doubt this time... Even with him, take it one day at a time... Let him know that you'll be there for him and you'll support him... But also let him know that right now you need to focus on each day as it comes... That you can't commit yourself for anything more than today... If he truly loves you he should understand... He may not like the sound of it in the beginning, but it may eventually be your indicator as to whether you should stick around or not...

Thank you! I guess In such a rough time I do not feel strong..maybe I am stronger than I think, I just have to see it for myself to appreciate me...

I went to see him today, and I told him that I nedd to forgive him before anything else, and it willtake time, and patience and he needs to understand that if i hold on to all the past crap...i will just stay angry...he understands and also understands that I am stressed and confused....we will see... I wish for the best...

wifeofMichael · #20 08-30-2009, 01:20 PM

My thoughts? Don't make rash decisions but don't be an enabler. Insist he enters a treatment program. If he has not gone to court yet for sentencing make sure you let his attorney or public defender allow you to speak. Tell them you believe he needs treatment. My husband abused drugs while fighting mental illness. Since getting treatment he has been the man I married. Unfortunately he is now in prison and while he's getting some therapy I know it's not enough. He has promised to continue therapy when he is released and I plan to hold him to it. He knows I will not enable him. I cannot for the sake of my sanity and my children AND for his own safety.

Take it step by step, day by day. Going to Al-Anon is a good step. I did this when he first confessed to using drugs and his worry he was an addict. His psychiatrist and therapist were the ones who said "nope not an addict". My husband never cheated on me. But he did sell my jewelry, videos, took bill money and eventually stole two AC Units before he finally crashed and burned. My initial thinking was to run away and end it. But I take my vows very seriously. So instead I gave him ultimatums and he loved us enough to take them.

Your husband needs to get treatment. It is available but he's got to find it. When my husband was arrested last summer for driving on a suspended license (which was when he confessed all) I refused to bail him out until I knew the drugs were physically out of his system. He voluntarily started attending AA. When he got home he contacted a friend of ours who is an AA sponsor. Rather than meetings they got together and talked and he read literature. Then we got him into treatment at a local mental health agency. We did this without money. There are resources out there.

I know this is rambling but I say don't give up but don't hang on if it harms you. You have your son to think about. So step back a bit and really look at the situation. And make your own ultimatums but be willing to stand by them. His behavior is risky to you and your child. But if he really wants to change he can. But it is really hard work.

And I've rambled.

justbeth · #21 08-30-2009, 04:51 PM

Okay. I really thought I would never be back on this site due to my man being back in prison. This tiime things are a bit different.

We have been together 41/2 years , the 2nd yr he was in jail. We now have a son, who is 11 months old. The decisions you make should be with the future of your child in mind. A clean parent is a much better parent then a parent that floats in and out of their lives.This time around he is looking at ...5 years we think, we are guessing because he is still going to court for this.The bold is your words and they say it all "this time he is looking at. Not you and not the child but him.
During my pregnancy, he started sniff dope For what reasons did he give for just starting to do this. Pregnancy is when you need them for so many things and he resulted to drugs that was your first clue he couldn't handle the responsibility of parenthood....he stopped a few times, but it strted to get worse and worse. We ended up seperating, in a sense, because we still loved each other but i couldnt live with him like that. We were only officially broken up for about a month. nyway, ends up he is running around robbing people , going boosting, sleeping with Agirls that would give him $ and let him drive their car around.. So he sold your relationship, the purity of it all for a high, for the car, for the fix, and all the time you and THE CHILD YOU HAD TOGETHER WAS NO WHERE IN HIS THOUGHT.all this shhh that I only knew the half of, until now....I want to hate him for all he has done to me, but the truth is I don't. I can't! I love him with all my heart , even though I am angry and upset. Eventually all that anger and feelings upset will turn to a bitterness and a resentment. We have a child and I wanted nothing more than a happy family...and I feel like that is ruined. it was ruined when he started sniffing while you were pregnant, he was ruined when he was out booting cars, sleeping with other women for whatever excuse you want to believe.

He says it was the drugs that made him not care, bs he didn't care because he is selfish and he didn't care about anyone but the next high, that next fix, himself, his needs, his wants, his desires, YOU AND THE CHILD WHERE NO WHERE IN THE THINKING.not only about me and my son but he thought about himself the whole time. himself even. I can understand this, but his unfaithfulness to me, his complete disregard for me pisses me off in the worst way...I feel like everyday I am sitting here thinking about what he was doing out here...living in the past that i can not change. Now, he is so sorry, he was f'd up, he sees what he lost (again) and he loves his son he loves his son now that he has doesn't have a fix and is clean and you and your child are his replacement drug.he wants us to be able to get back our friendship and find the love we once knew, the love that was so real, the pre-drugs,pre-cheating love.... until he comes out and starts needing that fix all over again. Your child is older, your heart is broken again, and he is faced with decisions that could lead to very bad decisions.

Ladies, I want to belive it .. In a lot of ways I do, but, I heard this the last time he was locked up, the whole I am going to be a better man, let me show you, let me prove it....Jail talk it is oh so sweet until the reality hits them again and they find an excuse to use and then you become the mistresss to his drugs all over again.

I do think things happen for a reason, if he didn't end up in jail right now he would end up in a worse ssituation or dead even because that was the road he was headed down. Our "relationship" would have dissapeared into a hatred and my son would be stuck in the middle of. your son will always be in the middle, he will always be on the roller coaster ride of drugs as long as you allow daddy in and out.

Could this be the chance we needed to get it all back? to which point. where he starts sniffing again just once in a while or to the point he is looking at 5 years? For him tto really change? They will always change in jail so that they have someone to ride their bid with them.I really wish it was...I don't know if I have 5 years in me...what if he lets me down all over?that is up to you if you want to take that chance
I can't just abandon him..I wouldn't because of the baby. But to sit here and belive this is it? I am so confused and scared....any opinions? adice? thoughts? please... My ex broke a three month clean to rob, slit a girls throat twice and stab her seven times (she lived by the grace of God) he has life plus 50. I won't do his bid, I don't put my children through the roller coaster, we send daddy weekly pictures or homework from school, I write him letters telling what the kids are doing but that is it. I am his friend and that is it. I will be there til his end because he was the love of my life and he is the father of the kids God gave us. But he has been in a year and even said "Oh, I signed up to take drug awareness classes just for the points and to get out of my cell" that tells me right there he wouldn't do a thing different if he was on the outside.

11 years of my life was tied to this man, loving him, loving him enough to sacrafice so much for a man that could keep away from the drug he loved more then his own kids and me. I made the same excuses, had the same hopes, but my reality was given to me by him throwing everything away because "I was lonely"

That was my reality, the reality my kids were given. You can choose whether to ride the bid or take your own drive to a different life. I'm a pm.

Imisshimsomuch · #22 08-30-2009, 09:42 PM

Yeah, you know, you don't need to decide that now. That is a large chunk of your life. If you really think he is worth it, then what you should do will come to you naturally, in time.

If I were you, I would communicate with him. I would visit him occasionally. I would accept a phone call or two. But what I wouldn't do is give him all of myself. I would treat him like a great friend that I loved dearly, but I would cease all romanticism. Think about it, if you detach yourself and step back a little bit, it might not hurt as much if he doesn't do what he says he will. But 5 years is a long time, and I certainly wouldn't be waiting there faithfully for him after all of that he put me through.

As for the baby, I have no advice for that. I don't know how to be a parent yet.

Best of luck to you. Remember, you have friends on PTO.

only1love · #23 08-31-2009, 01:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wishin4TheBest

No offense taken =) I am trying so hard to be optimistic I have moments of clarity..but not always...I wish i could rewind....this is so hard. Its is hard to look at him while he crys to me about how sorry he is and tell him I can't do this...It is crazy..

I personally do not have to deal with drugs but one of my best friends did for years. Her husband was in and out of jail like a yo-yo... when locked up... oh so sorry and loved her and the kids more than life.... gets out, and back on the drugs.
Finally she pulled the plug and it was so hard for her, and for me to go through it with her. She stopped paying for the phone and told him she did not want to hear the phoney stories. She wrote to him, sent him pictures of the kids, but did not visit. She said she was sick of the empty promises and stories.
Then she moved............. back where she came from and very far from anyone he knew. This eliminated him having old pals to hang out with to remind him of drugs and that life. It also gave her stability and a support system.
Then she sent a priest to him. ( They are Catholic ) . She told the priest she was not interested in a divorce but she was also not interested in a 3rd or 4th bid for the same reason. She told the priest that she needed his help because she could not afford the gas to drive there with 2 little kids to listen to all the phoney stories.

He got out of jail and was eventually paroled to the state where she moved. He has been drug free for 3 years, in a program, works at the local church and they have a life together.

I am not saying that this is what everyone should do, but it is what she did and it worked! She is one strong cookie, and she always loved him, but not the drugs and she made him choose.......................

Wishin4TheBest · #24 08-31-2009, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by only1love

I personally do not have to deal with drugs but one of my best friends did for years. Her husband was in and out of jail like a yo-yo... when locked up... oh so sorry and loved her and the kids more than life.... gets out, and back on the drugs.
Finally she pulled the plug and it was so hard for her, and for me to go through it with her. She stopped paying for the phone and told him she did not want to hear the phoney stories. She wrote to him, sent him pictures of the kids, but did not visit. She said she was sick of the empty promises and stories.
Then she moved............. back where she came from and very far from anyone he knew. This eliminated him having old pals to hang out with to remind him of drugs and that life. It also gave her stability and a support system.
Then she sent a priest to him. ( They are Catholic ) . She told the priest she was not interested in a divorce but she was also not interested in a 3rd or 4th bid for the same reason. She told the priest that she needed his help because she could not afford the gas to drive there with 2 little kids to listen to all the phoney stories.

He got out of jail and was eventually paroled to the state where she moved. He has been drug free for 3 years, in a program, works at the local church and they have a life together.

I am not saying that this is what everyone should do, but it is what she did and it worked! She is one strong cookie, and she always loved him, but not the drugs and she made him choose.......................

Thank you for that story! It gives hope, even though she had too change her whole life too, she did it because he really needed to in order to stop all the BS.

I know I can not stop all contact with him, not now. He has put me through a tremedous amout...BUT, i do have some faith in him as well as God and think that things can work out. I will take things one day at a time. I will be open and honest with him and try to work on our friendship first. I have faith!

wendy tyler · #25 09-01-2009, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dwfighterva

Who says you have to decide it all right now? Take it one day at a time. When you wake up, decide if you will love him or not for that day only. 5 years is a big commitment but then you still don't know what he is facing.

One thing though, when you love an addict (and he is one), you take who he is in all phases. You can't choose to only love the good side when he is sober; you have to love the ugly part, too. I know you want a happy ending, but the happy part may or may not include him. What kind of role model is he for your son? This is the main "man" you need to focus on in your life right now. Take it one day at a time, wait and see what his sentence is, then each day decide if you can handle it or not.

Dem's my sentiments exactly. No hurry to make up your mind. Addiction is a heavy burden and you need to take the time to weigh all the odds. Take a step back, breathe deep and don't make any promises. Don't feel guilty. He made promises and broke them. His addiction is just that, HIS.