How to Survive a Prison Relationship

[jeanjoplin26]

what i do on a daily basis is thank god and know that he will take care of him and us. Im left to support three kids and all bills alone but we manage finanually and some days are harder than others MY self and kids have a long wait for his return home 12 years. All i know if i am not well then im no good to any one. I miss my guy soo much and to wake up one morning with your life completly changed and different and lonely i have all faith in god and know that he will come home and that he does have a date and not life thank god it is hard to be positive when those moments come but at least they come home theres many men who will never be home so i am greatful that he will be home and we will live our lifes together well be old as heck but its all good

Originally Posted by Jillian

Many of us come here looking for support and others who are going thru if not the same thing but something similar. We all start off with the same questions how are we going to make it with him being gone. We all realize that it doesn't matter if our loved one is gone for a few months, a few years, to life we all have to deal with separation anxiety. We all have to deal with a loved one being ripped out of our daily lives, aind being placed in a strange and scary place.

I thought we should have a thread that can help all those who have questions about how to survive a prison relationship. Share what helps you get thru your days while your loved has been gone.

One thing we all have to remember is that communication and honesty is the key.

Looking forward to what everyone else will add to this!

[jeanjoplin26]

I can totaly relate cause his letters and when he was able to call carried me thru and i focus on the kids and they help me stay focused and being honest is a must and im a firm beiliever that god family are the key to all. and things we do disagree on but working it out and not giving up is the key as well keep doing what your doing its the rite thing rite on.

Originally Posted by Mrs. Duncan

I try to focus on my daily life here with my kids. I look forward to the times when I know that William will call me, or when I know I have mail coming. I use each of those letters and phone calls to get me through till the next. Taking things one day at a time (or even less at a time if necessary helps too. I'm honest with him about how I feel or what I may be going through and I try to encourage him to do the same, even if he thinks it will put to much strain on me. I tell him that even if it does make things difficult it doesn't matter. Whatever it is we can get through it together. Also I try to find ways for us to work together as much as possible, weather it's making decisions, or each of us doing what we can to accomplish a common goal.

[♥Laborry787♥]

That is true but the important thing is the love the feel for one of another and no matter what people said you are the only one whos going thru this i know I miss my husband more than ever but we have God with us and been patient , the comunication the you have with them and trust without that nothing is going to work and nothing is imposible for God

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q

Great thread E!

Patience is not just a virtue but a neccessity in a prison relationship. Patience with the person incarcerated, patience with the DOC/BOP, and patience with the people around you who may or may not understand... I never knew I had the ability to be patient until I had a relationship with a man doing time!

Oy vey.

[breeziegal]

I'm just releasing frustrations! I keep reading all these post of support but I'm angry too. This isnt the first time he's been locked up but before now its been county time. Now my dudes at San Quentin. Really how many times do I have to be happily by his side. Dont get me wrong I love him and we have a daughter together but come on now. Sometimes he acts like he's the only one going through it all. Just because he's physically in jail dosent mean he's suffering more than us. WE have to deal with the day to day problems and survive. I understand how important it is to write letters, send pictures and packages which is why I do but I want him to understand that this is it. It's not ok that he goes in and out leaving us to take care of ourselves.

[ceejay2401]

Originally Posted by JaydedDragon

You are very welcome!!!! Enjoy your successes...so the heartaches are a little less hurtful when they show themselves. Congrats to you again and keep it up!!
You should prove to be an inspiration to a lot of ladies out there struggling. Don't let the "nay-sayers" get you down dear. You're above that and you have all ready proved that. Don't let them get to you! Until they pay your way and walk in your shoes, they are nothing more than angry people who want others to feel as bad as they do.
You are obviously doing something right, so keep it up!!! Take care of yourself and your 2 favorite men and you will have many more happy days!

Of course I will and thank you I know a lot of people are probably just mad because even when im going through so much already I can turn it around into something positive That is true no one understands until they themselves go through it. Once again thank you so much and take care of yourself as well as your children I hope the next days get better my son turns one tomorrow XD im so excited!

[lil_miss]

My Husband seems so selfish.. Im just so fed up right now

[JaydedDragon]

Originally Posted by ceejay2401

Of course I will and thank you I know a lot of people are probably just mad because even when im going through so much already I can turn it around into something positive That is true no one understands until they themselves go through it. Once again thank you so much and take care of yourself as well as your children I hope the next days get better my son turns one tomorrow XD im so excited!

Well here's a birthday wish for your son!!!

Hope it's a very special day and get lots and lots of pics for you to share with your hubby!! I'm sure he will appreciate it!!

The ability to go through what many women on here are going through and turning it into something positive is a talent not many have. You have perseverance and determination. Two very good things to have to make it through. Those should bring you happiness. You were able to take the fear, anger and sadness you felt and use it to fuel your determination. Good for you. Got any advice on how you did it?
Whatever you did...keep it up!

[ceejay2401]

Originally Posted by JaydedDragon

Well here's a birthday wish for your son!!!

Hope it's a very special day and get lots and lots of pics for you to share with your hubby!! I'm sure he will appreciate it!!

The ability to go through what many women on here are going through and turning it into something positive is a talent not many have. You have perseverance and determination. Two very good things to have to make it through. Those should bring you happiness. You were able to take the fear, anger and sadness you felt and use it to fuel your determination. Good for you. Got any advice on how you did it?
Whatever you did...keep it up!

Thanks! and it was great but honestly I did feel rather down I mean it's his first birthday and his dad is missing out :/ but none the less I was glad I can't believe how fast he's grown up! I did take pictures and have already printed them out so I can send them to my hubby (:

Thank you but it wasn't easy I struggled through depression and just very negative thoughts but I then realized that I was the one who was creating the damage I literally had to fight against myself in order to better myself. I couldn't stand being alone I still can't but I couldn't let this get the best of me. Also my son i'd look at him and i'd remember why i still keep fighting and it's for him for his future because without me he can't keep going. He's my biggest motivation and im determined to make him proud I hate failure and im not one who gives up easily. If anything I work even better when under stress or pressure because I know I need to get it done my future depends on it. I guess the moral of this is YOU ARE YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY NO ONE CAN BRING YOU DOWN LIKE YOUR OWN SELF. Yes people can have negative comments but in the end it's up to you to decide what your going to do with them let them affect you and kill your dreams or laugh because you know you can prove them wrong. Sounds easier said then done but not impossible.

[Tuff's Angel]

I jUST WANNA SAY THANK YOU!!! I CRIED LONG AND HARD AFTER READIN YOUR RESPONSE BUT IT WAS OVER DO WEIGHT THAT NEED TO BE ADDRESS SO THANKS AGAIN

[Tuff's Angel]

I feel communication is the key to any relationship rather its distances or near but i feel us ladies on (pto) have the best communication wit our men!!!!its like we have too, inorder to get through whatever length of time we have.. (were stronger them most ladies cuz we deal with more from never being able to be with our love ones like we want to)... We dont have a option to stay mad @ them, even if we want cuz we cherish everything from phone calls, visits, and letters.. We have bad days but turn them into good days for our men... We give up more then other ladies for our men...
~~~~~~~~ how i cope... I thank god everyday and ask him to have his way and when he feel my fiancee is ready, he'll send him bak to me... I write him poems, letters, send him pictures of me and i use to be able to kiss each letter i sent him but now i can only send post cards which is crazyyy.. We cant touch when were visitin so i drew my hand for him so when every he wanna feel me he can... I strive to make a better life for us and allow him to still be my partner by giving me advice to any steppin stone that may occur.. He's my rock and i gotta be his!!! Thats why im his tuff angel and he gotta be tuff for us and make it through this minor set back for our major comeback!!! Love one another and never give up cuz, how all me and my fiancee do is win win win win no matter what!!!!!!!!

[FREECORYILOVEHE]

what helps me get threw the days my boyfriends gone?wellI look at my son and he reminds me of his dad I look forward 2 his calls and the letters that will come and of course the visits and try 2keep busy but theres only so much2b done around the house but no matter what i do im gona miss him until the day he comes home in 4years hopefully i can find something to help shortn his time

[SuthrnBelle]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post as a new member on Prison Talk. I am glad I found this website. My husband got sentenced to a mandentory 1 year at RPDC in Rayville, LA. this past February 2011. So you can say we are new at all this and emotions are mixed and running high. We are expecting our first child, a little boy, in April. I am a faithful devoted wife and those of you ladies out there know what I must be going through. I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive family that let me come stay with them while he serves his time. Thank God for them and I don't know where my baby and I would be if it weren't for them. It is SO hard going through the daily struggles without my best friend by my side. I had to quit my job to go on maternity leave so I have no income coming in. We had to park our truck because I can't afford to drive it. I know the Lord will find a way for us. Some days are better than others. I pray for more better.

[C's Sister]

Originally Posted by HisHeart31

How I survive this prison sentance...

I hate to sound selfish, because I am far from that, because my fiancee gets everything and anything he ever needs, if anything I probably do too much! However I use this time my man is away to focus on myself and my goals that I want to achieve.
I don't let myself get deprseed or feel sorry for myself because there are far more worse case scenarios out there. I stay focused on my career, my personal goals, as well as focusing on our long term goals like saving money for our new house we want to buy. I use this time to make myself a better person so god forbid, even if this relationship doesn't last forever (which i don't even want to think about, however I am realistic), I can't say I wasted six years of my life "waiting" for him. I like to remain positive because this not only keeps my fiancee's spririts up but its healthier for our relationship as well.

To "HisHeart",
I just became engaged in February to a man in prison. i NEVER thought I would do something like this. In fact, I met him after he went to prison, through my brother in as "social" a setting as one can get under the circumstances. It was initially a brief meeting at a Pow Wow with guests and inmates mingling. He had done a painting for the event that I wanted, but didn't win. Unknown to me, my brother asked him to do another for me and then told me that the man I met was the same one who had done this painting. I recieved it on Christmas Eve with a note from him in the back of it. We began writing, I continued to visit my brother, but not him. I went to the Pow Wow the next year to spend time with he and my brother. It was like a family event and so much fun. They moved him to another prison so I was able to then visit both of them.

I loved your post. It fits my philosophy exactly. I have a good career, I am a little older with grown children and I have gone back to school. We have our plans and I work toward them and like you, if it doesn't work out (god forbid) for whatever reason, I have done something productive that benefits me. He completely supports me and wants me to live my life. Somehow knowing that I have a full life comforts him because he knows that I choose to be with him and that I am not just a lonely, strange woman who needs him. He won't get out for another 5-6 years.

So, I wonder if you two made it to the altar since your post and how things are going for you?

C's Sister

[EALJGG]

This is my first time dealing with anything like this. And i just don't know how to deal with it. My fiancee' was just put in on march 7th and i have no idea when he's getting out. its so hard to be without him and its even worse with the visits and phone calls mixed in with it. its just not long enough and does anyone know how to stop the crying and the constant depressed feeling that i'm going through?

[nia&long]

Me and my fiance has been together for 12 years and we have never been apart this is his first time going to prison and it is hell for me and him I have never had to work so hard in my life but I'm holding it down for him I love him with all my heart and soul it was so hard for me when he got locked up I cryed for a month straight and thought that I wasnt gonna make it but I'm still here me and our girls he has been in for 1 year now and I just thank god that he dosent have to been in for life hopefuly he will be home next year when he go up for a parole hearing in June I just pray cause that is the key. So to everybody just keep your heads up and thank god for eveything good or bad cause just beleive that a change is coming.

[nia&long]

Originally Posted by EALJGG

This is my first time dealing with anything like this. And i just don't know how to deal with it. My fiancee' was just put in on march 7th and i have no idea when he's getting out. its so hard to be without him and its even worse with the visits and phone calls mixed in with it. its just not long enough and does anyone know how to stop the crying and the constant depressed feeling that i'm going through?

Just hold on and be strong for him cause you have to be his back bone while he is in there because if you not happy then he isn't happy I had to learn that the hard way but trust me it will be over before you know it just KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND PRAY AND HAVE FAITH THE STORM WILL BE OVER SOON!

[xrayofthelight]

Originally Posted by EALJGG

This is my first time dealing with anything like this. And i just don't know how to deal with it. My fiancee' was just put in on march 7th and i have no idea when he's getting out. its so hard to be without him and its even worse with the visits and phone calls mixed in with it. its just not long enough and does anyone know how to stop the crying and the constant depressed feeling that i'm going through?

Youll never stop crying, after a while youll cry less and less. You wont cry every day anymore. My husband has been away for 9 months now with probibly 2 years to go and I dont cry every day anymore. At least once a week. You will eventually have good days where your happy to be alive and bad days where everything reminds you of him. There will never be a day that goes by that you wont think of him. But i promise, it will get easer with time.

Take comfort in knowing that were here for you if you need us. Day or night, we completely understand. Weve been there, are there, or will be there. We know the shoes very well, and we'll help you walk in them. So keep your chin up, they can't keep you from him forever. And even if they try, its only on earth. Next top, HEAVEN!

[marieredmond]

Originally Posted by Jillian

Many of us come here looking for support and others who are going thru if not the same thing but something similar. We all start off with the same questions how are we going to make it with him being gone. We all realize that it doesn't matter if our loved one is gone for a few months, a few years, to life we all have to deal with separation anxiety. We all have to deal with a loved one being ripped out of our daily lives, aind being placed in a strange and scary place.

I thought we should have a thread that can help all those who have questions about how to survive a prison relationship. Share what helps you get thru your days while your loved has been gone.

One thing we all have to remember is that communication and honesty is the key.

Looking forward to what everyone else will add to this!

im going thou the everthing is my fault stage and it use to be write me 3 or 4 times aweek now he says i write to much men lucked up never seem to know what they want all i can do is try and roll with the punches i guess sure would be nice to have someone in ogden utah thats my age going thou the same thing

[C's Sister]

Originally Posted by EALJGG

This is my first time dealing with anything like this. And i just don't know how to deal with it. My fiancee' was just put in on march 7th and i have no idea when he's getting out. its so hard to be without him and its even worse with the visits and phone calls mixed in with it. its just not long enough and does anyone know how to stop the crying and the constant depressed feeling that i'm going through?

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. My situation is not exactly like yours, though I would say that time will help. Like someone said you will start crying less and less. This is a shock and adjustment period. I would like to suggest a couple things: 1) Do something for yourself (a class, a sport, a hobby, etc). It won't help or change anything to not make yourself as happy and fulifilled as possible. It will benefit you and he won't worry about you as much and therefore he will also benefit. 2) Stay very busy with anything you can.

[vtkaty13]

The quote in your signature that says "one day closer than yesterday" made me smile. Thank you!

[coleyanddaniel]

Originally Posted by C's Sister

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. My situation is not exactly like yours, though I would say that time will help. Like someone said you will start crying less and less. This is a shock and adjustment period. I would like to suggest a couple things: 1) Do something for yourself (a class, a sport, a hobby, etc). It won't help or change anything to not make yourself as happy and fulifilled as possible. It will benefit you and he won't worry about you as much and therefore he will also benefit. 2) Stay very busy with anything you can.

I would also like to add to your helpful tips If it is one thing I have learned, never end a conversation mad at eachother. In the beginning, it's all i miss you and sweet but as time goes on and you gather yourself more and more each day, you are more comfortable with each other being so far away. Things get said and may upset the other, and with such short phone calls, there is no time what so ever to argue. So if you get mad about something, let it go and move on within 30 seconds. If he gets mad about something, tell him ow is not the time to argue and let it go. If you end a conversation on a bad note, it will ruin the rest of your day because it's not like you can just call him back and fix it. Right now is a hard time for both of you and the last thing you need is to be upset with each other. You both need one anothers love and support to get yall through this. So keep on thinking positive and it will get better

[coleyanddaniel]

Originally Posted by EALJGG

This is my first time dealing with anything like this. And i just don't know how to deal with it. My fiancee' was just put in on march 7th and i have no idea when he's getting out. its so hard to be without him and its even worse with the visits and phone calls mixed in with it. its just not long enough and does anyone know how to stop the crying and the constant depressed feeling that i'm going through?

I understand completely what you are going through. My fiance' and boyfriend of 3 years was locked up on March 2nd. Since the day we got together we have not spent one single day away from each other so it was VERY hard to deal with at first. Especially when we have two beautiful little boys together. And our youngest was only two weeks old when they took him in. So he doesnt even know our youngest addition to the family. One thing that has helped me the most is the letters and phone calls. Letters are very helpful for the both of you. It will help him get through this just as much as you. It is very nice to wake up and run to that mailbox every other morning knowing theres a letter from him in there. And I will tell you, reading that letter will do more than any phone call ever will. I mean it is nice to get phone calls, but theyre so short & you dont really get enough time to say all that is needed to say. But with a letter, the possibilities are endless. And a letter means a lot more because you can go back and read them if youre feeling down unlike a phone call. They seem to ALWAYS brighten up my day. I would also like to add if it is one thing I have learned, never end a phone conversation mad at eachother. In the beginning, it's all i miss you and sweet but as time goes on and you gather yourself more and more each day, you are more comfortable with each other being so far away. Things get said and may upset the other, and with such short phone calls, there is no time what so ever to argue. So if you get mad about something, let it go and move on within 30 seconds. If he gets mad about something, tell him ow is not the time to argue and let it go. If you end a conversation on a bad note, it will ruin the rest of your day because it's not like you can just call him back and fix it. Right now is a hard time for both of you and the last thing you need is to be upset with each other. You both need one anothers love and support to get yall through this. So keep on thinking positive and it will get better. I never thought the tears and sadness would end, but I promise you they will. Yes, you will most likely still cry every now and then and get sad every now and then, but you kind of get used to the fact that he isnt there. I try to think of it as a long distance relationship. Things will get better, I promise. Good luck to you and your fiance' both! I wish you both the best!

[sweetwebfeet]

My fiance just started a 84 month sentence. I am so scared that we will drift apart. We are both 39. I truly love him. I plan to marry him in prison. I plan to move closer to where ever he goes. I am really scared because in the last 24 months my life has changed like majorly I have had 2 boyfriends, 1 job, 3 homes, and 1 best friend. I really love this man, and I don't want to meet any one else. I know there are other guys out there, and I know I could date but I don't want to. Travis is my best friend, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Any body out there have any suggestions? This is all new to me. I appreciate all the advice I can get... Thank you.

[imdeanna75]

Originally Posted by Jillian

Many of us come here looking for support and others who are going thru if not the same thing but something similar. We all start off with the same questions how are we going to make it with him being gone. We all realize that it doesn't matter if our loved one is gone for a few months, a few years, to life we all have to deal with separation anxiety. We all have to deal with a loved one being ripped out of our daily lives, aind being placed in a strange and scary place.

I thought we should have a thread that can help all those who have questions about how to survive a prison relationship. Share what helps you get thru your days while your loved has been gone.

One thing we all have to remember is that communication and honesty is the key.

Looking forward to what everyone else will add to this!

He has been gone for 53 days, i am at a complete loss! I don't know how any of this works! I can't believe i am on a site to get support for this! I am confused by the system and all it's rules! They keep moving him??? i don't know where to turn! i don't even know if i am using this site right? I am at a breaking point and trying to reach for a life line!! anyone?

[JaydedDragon]

Originally Posted by imdeanna75

He has been gone for 53 days, i am at a complete loss! I don't know how any of this works! I can't believe i am on a site to get support for this! I am confused by the system and all it's rules! They keep moving him??? i don't know where to turn! i don't even know if i am using this site right? I am at a breaking point and trying to reach for a life line!! anyone?

Well, first be relieved that you are not alone and PTO is a wonderful place for information and to get the support you don't have where you live
There are threads on here for all kinds of charges, legal threads, state threads, anything you can think of...but the biggest resource on PTO are the women (and men) who are in the same boat as you. You did the right thing by asking for the help....now we just need to get you to the right part for that help. There is NOTHING wrong with coming onto PTO and asking for help. So relax hun....you're in great hands now.