How to Survive a Prison Relationship

[Roxy0720]

I can totally feel your pain. My fiancé was sentenced to 16 years with 80%. We have been together for almost 12 years he has only been gone for 1 year. I am a strong believer of everything happens for a reason we may never know the real reason only God knows and I think we seem to forget that it's what is ever in his will and it is with GRACE that he gives us to get through these tough times. Remember God doesn't give us anything we can't handle so don't give up and continue to listen for Gods voice it is by his calling that we continue to be faithful
Be safe.

[ReneeA]

Hi, I'm posting this as a reply because I have no clue how to start a new post--plus, this is a question along the same subject line. Could use some pointers to help get rid of the "delayed letter" anxiety. Thoughts like, "Is he in the hole again?", bug the heck outta me & the fact that the hole is a fairly regular occurrence doesn't help...any pointers? I get a little crazy sometimes thinking the worst--(but I don't let him know that)--Usually just write more and read on here. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you all in advance.

[gemmylouise]

Thanks for this post

[Lilwaynesgirl]

this is not selfish of you...least I hope not..I am also the same way...I am going to college, working, and saving money.. I help him as much as I can but also help myself which in the long run will help us..my man has five years left so having your own goals makes it easier

Originally Posted by HisHeart31

How I survive this prison sentance...

I hate to sound selfish, because I am far from that, because my fiancee gets everything and anything he ever needs, if anything I probably do too much! However I use this time my man is away to focus on myself and my goals that I want to achieve.
I don't let myself get deprseed or feel sorry for myself because there are far more worse case scenarios out there. I stay focused on my career, my personal goals, as well as focusing on our long term goals like saving money for our new house we want to buy. I use this time to make myself a better person so god forbid, even if this relationship doesn't last forever (which i don't even want to think about, however I am realistic), I can't say I wasted six years of my life "waiting" for him. I like to remain positive because this not only keeps my fiancee's spririts up but its healthier for our relationship as well.

[Lilwaynesgirl]

I am glad to say I dont have this problem but feel for you cause I could only imagine how bad that is..but I would just keep writing him..it will make you feel better..but now im not sure if its all the same but you should be able to go on the prison site and it will tell you if he's in the hole or not..thats what my bf told me to do if i ever went through few days with no contact from him..hope it helps

Originally Posted by ReneeA

Hi, I'm posting this as a reply because I have no clue how to start a new post--plus, this is a question along the same subject line. Could use some pointers to help get rid of the "delayed letter" anxiety. Thoughts like, "Is he in the hole again?", bug the heck outta me & the fact that the hole is a fairly regular occurrence doesn't help...any pointers? I get a little crazy sometimes thinking the worst--(but I don't let him know that)--Usually just write more and read on here. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you all in advance.

[myloveisstrong]

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q

Great thread E!

Patience is not just a virtue but a neccessity in a prison relationship. Patience with the person incarcerated, patience with the DOC/BOP, and patience with the people around you who may or may not understand... I never knew I had the ability to be patient until I had a relationship with a man doing time!

Oy vey.

I absolutely love this! You are so beyond right! Thank you!

[SullysGirl]

Originally Posted by rampagesgirl02

I'm new with this my husband is fixin to go to prison for something he was falsly accused for. And i'm so scared for him cuz of such horror things i've heard. I've heard he's gonna get killed he's gonna get jumped, he's gonna get raped. The judge said my husband is goin to prison for 5 yrs but he's available for parole and to appeal this. So what i wanna know is if he'll still only do half time. Cuz he was told by either a sheriff or jailor i don't know but he was told that he'll probably spend 2-3 mths in Oakdale then he'll probably go to Fort Dodge or Rockwell City for atleast 8 mths. So like i said i was just wonderin if he'll probably do half time 2?Can someone plz help me, i'm so lost and confused without him. We've been married almost 10 yrs.

You can probably find out more specifics in the Iowa forum, but I'll do my best to help you here. From my understanding Iowa prisons are not as bad as many other states. Once your husband goes into reception at Oakdale his time will be cut in half. He will most likely be at Oakdale for 4-8 weeks while they check him out medically and classify him. Once classified he will be transferred to his "home" prison. Keep in mind that the first week at either place he will not be allowed phone calls and it may take a week to even recieve a letter. He will be in a holding cell during that time and really only let out for meals. So once you have his information, write him.

Phone calls can be quite expensive so once he gets to his "home" prison setup a google voice account that would be local to where he's at. It's free and it transfers those calls to your cell phone number. He will also be able to recieve emails through corrlinks that they print off and give to him each day while in Oakdale. These get to them the next day and are a quarter (cheaper than a stamp, and quicker delivery). Fill out a visitors form right away (he will send you) and you should be able to visit after a week of him being in his home prison. He will tell you once you've been approved.

Around the six month mark the parole board will review him and he will see the Iowa board of parole the next month. If he doesn't make parole at that time he will see them again in a year unless his counselor requests it after six months. Looking at the Iowa BOP site things look pretty good. Lots of men are being paroled and going home. Just remember, they cannot keep him forever! Just keep communicating and keep yourself as busy as possible. My man is getting reviewed in three weeks and I am so trying to not get my hopes up. PM me or post in the Iowa forum if you have any more questions

[Kisum99]

I am hoping for some advice. My boyfriend accidentally killed someone in a fight. He was terrified and it was completely out of character for him, he is kind and gentle and intelligent, he is my soulmate and I couldn't hope to find a more decent man. We are both busy professionals and have no experience of the prison/legal system previously, but he has been arrested and charged with murder and is being kept on remand until the trial. I am so terrified, I can't think of anything else, I can't eat or concentrate. We were so happy, I can't believe how our lives have fallen apart. I need advice on what to do, how to get through this, how to believe we can be happy again. One day.

[sagandpisces]

OMG, I am so sorry this has happened. Prison life is so unlike what we know about out here. Horrible things happen and good people do things to survive the system. It is a culture and a lifestyle I don't understand but I am learning about it through my guy. I use the Serenity prayer a lot: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Take care of yourself. You are not alone!

[HisChevyBabe]

This is an awesome thread! Kudos to the starter of this thread. I just recently a couple months ago started writing to an inmate to help encourage him and share the word of God with him and we started getting to know each other and we have discovered we have SO much in common and we are just so in love. Him being there and me being here is hard as this is my first time ever going through this. He cant wait to come home to me and I cant wait for him to come home!. I am really trying hard to take it one day at a time. I am currently in school. in a 2 yrs program and the more I look toward the future I should be done by the time he gets out but on the other hand he may not serve all that time either I am unsure on this.

[roseross74]

just joining, i am heavily involved with the federal inmate population, and would like to seek others who have knowledge and seek advice.....
i also seek advice on others who have had proxy marriage done in a federal prison....
please message me....
thank you

[JTJwife]

The same thing happened with my hubby. Actually the guy died from lack of emergency medical care. The guy leaped off a chow hall table with a shank in his hand trying to get hubby. Hubby reaches up to keep the guy from getting to him and unfortunately caught the guy in the throat. His airway was crushed and no one helped him.

The DA, the prison officials, the TBI, the TBI have all looked at the film footage and have called it self defense.

Were I you, I would get a street lawyer since he is facing street charges. A lawyer can advise you on what to do.

Tims Wife

[robertoswife]

Originally Posted by HisHeart31

How I survive this prison sentance...

I hate to sound selfish, because I am far from that, because my fiancee gets everything and anything he ever needs, if anything I probably do too much! However I use this time my man is away to focus on myself and my goals that I want to achieve.
I don't let myself get deprseed or feel sorry for myself because there are far more worse case scenarios out there. I stay focused on my career, my personal goals, as well as focusing on our long term goals like saving money for our new house we want to buy. I use this time to make myself a better person so god forbid, even if this relationship doesn't last forever (which i don't even want to think about, however I am realistic), I can't say I wasted six years of my life "waiting" for him. I like to remain positive because this not only keeps my fiancee's spririts up but its healthier for our relationship as well.

very inspiring words and very true.

[HisChevyBabe]

This is what I am trying to do is focus on my career. I am currently in college studying health information technology and he is always motivating me to do my school work instead of putting it off to write to him. He really cares about me and my schooling. :-).

[johnnyswife0609]

I really need some help dealing with this. I wake up EVERY morning with terrible anxiety and it always seems worse in the morning and at night. My fiance has only been gone a month and a half, and he wont be transferred to SAFP til the middle of next month, where he will be for six months, then possibly a half way house for three. I'm sad all the time, and like I said, Always anxious. I have two small kids so I really need to learn how to deal with this.

[GuerosMama]

Originally Posted by johnnyswife0609

I really need some help dealing with this. I wake up EVERY morning with terrible anxiety and it always seems worse in the morning and at night. My fiance has only been gone a month and a half, and he wont be transferred to SAFP til the middle of next month, where he will be for six months, then possibly a half way house for three. I'm sad all the time, and like I said, Always anxious. I have two small kids so I really need to learn how to deal with this.

With time the anxiety of him being gone calms down because you fall into a routine. Breathe. And stay strong for your kids

[jaredsmermaid]

Originally Posted by GuerosMama

With time the anxiety of him being gone calms down because you fall into a routine. Breathe. And stay strong for your kids

This is very true, I'm slowly falling into a routine and keeping myself busy. Some days are the sad crying days and you just have to let it out.

Aloha from far away............ Sent from my iPhone using PrisonTalk. Haim shelli.

[HisChevyBabe]

Originally Posted by johnnyswife0609

I really need some help dealing with this. I wake up EVERY morning with terrible anxiety and it always seems worse in the morning and at night. My fiance has only been gone a month and a half, and he wont be transferred to SAFP til the middle of next month, where he will be for six months, then possibly a half way house for three. I'm sad all the time, and like I said, Always anxious. I have two small kids so I really need to learn how to deal with this.

Praying Hun! Have faith it will get better!

[Nieves915]

I write at least twice a day, I have a routine, i got work, i come home, i change into his clothes and i sit down to write him my letter, at 6 he calls, and at 930 he calls, we hang up after he tucks me in bed and i go to sleep on his side of the bed. I wake up and do it all over again. My husband has only been gone 25 days, and we honestly dont know if he will go to TDC or if he will be blessed with another shot at probation, regardless im preparing myself.....
Ive been here before and did 3 years, looking back it went quickly for me, so im going to stay positive and take it one day at a time. every day apart is a day we are closer together. he is the love of my life and right now my job is to reasure him that things will not change between us....

[tabathapope1]

Originally Posted by nickipender

I most def went through this ! my mother did not agree with anything at all she used to actually downgrade him everyday to me and not tell me when he called the phone & I wasnt around it. But I have words of encouragement , after almost a year that I have been with him ( because I also met him while incarcerated through a friend ) she started to like since she saw we were serious about each other & she saw my whole attitude change so just have some patience !!

Same here my mom and dad did not approve of my (met while incarcerated boyfriend)they my mom in particular tried to get me to break up with him.most of my friends were rather supportive even though my parent and sister were not. But my parents and sister have since seen that we are serious and I am serious and that I love him.and now there are very supportive of our relationship and often ask me how he is doing. I never thought my parents my mom in particular would ever come around but they did. Just hang in there. It will get better

[HisChevyBabe]

Originally Posted by Nieves915

I write at least twice a day, I have a routine, i got work, i come home, i change into his clothes and i sit down to write him my letter, at 6 he calls, and at 930 he calls, we hang up after he tucks me in bed and i go to sleep on his side of the bed. I wake up and do it all over again. My husband has only been gone 25 days, and we honestly dont know if he will go to TDC or if he will be blessed with another shot at probation, regardless im preparing myself.....
Ive been here before and did 3 years, looking back it went quickly for me, so im going to stay positive and take it one day at a time. every day apart is a day we are closer together. he is the love of my life and right now my job is to reasure him that things will not change between us....

Way to stay positive Hun! Praying for you both! God bless

[RubyRed77]

Hey ladies! You all don't even know how much I have needed to read all your positive postings. It's only been 3 months for me, some days are better than others but those bad days, are just terrible. I go through every possible emotion known. We email & he calls often, patience is what is so hard for me. I am the type who wants things done and done right now. This has been a test of all tests of life, having someone you love so dearly be away and not able to call or talk when you want. I look forward to reading more about you all and how you deal with the everyday life of having your LO incarcerated.

[Bamer13]

There are no words to describe my fear and loneliness as I make my way through this suddenly large and unforgiving world.(or so it seems at the moment).my is not in for a violent crime, just a stupid and selfish one. I stand with him and beside him because that’s love and commitment. We have only been together for a year and a few months and I feel half of me am missing. I don’t know how long he will be serving. I hope to make myself whole and strong for him when he comes home. Thank you to everyone for your insights and honesty. Fear and confusion are my constant companions now as friends. To be around your pain which makes the isolation all the more apparent? Hopefully I will get stronger and grow right now, but it doesn't feel possible. Ironic as it seems my Fat Man has been a constant form of strength and because he believes in me! That I am strong.


If there’s one thing that I know about myself it’s that I hate having secrets, secrets mean shame, and I am not now, nor will I ever be, ashamed that I am a woman who has loved someone, and that someone has loved me. And even though people have asked me if I have lost my mind, if I am lonely or just desperate. Even though so many people have wondered if I was having a crisis, or determined that I was just going through a phase. To those people just let me say........ &@$# YOU! Well instead I’ll say You can’t polish a TURD! My man would know what I’m “TALKIN ABOUT” And that’s all that matters. I will continue loving the man I love. I will love him even though he’s got a few skeletons. I will continue loving him. I am about to be an inmates wife. Yes, a wife of a prisoner. Our wedding will not consist of an expensive wedding dress, a big bouquet of flowers or black ties. What it will be is the happiest but at the same time the saddest day of my life. All I want is to look in his eyes while he holds my hand and say the two words I DO! That will make us one. One love!!

[Timsgirl2011]

My hunny has been gone for a little over a year now, and everyday I keep saying another day down another day closer. I miss him so much sometimes, well ok all the time. But i write him about everything, from our daughter starting t-ball what her uniforms look like, how many hits, misses, catches ext. down to I bought a new this or got a new this, or anything really, I try and keep him updated and show him that I love him, I write ALOT ALOT, sometimes I will put a letter in the mail before work and another later that night. It just helps me to know that i'm helping him. Sometimes I worry but he was my rock before so i tell him everything. It does help to write. And really this site helps as well, just to see others going through alot of the same thing having the same questions, it helps.

[DaniMarie]

Unfortunately, this isn't our first go round. He served 6 months got out went back for 2 years got out and is now serving 8 years. The first two times I handled it a lot better. I stuck by him , wrote him , and supported him however I could, but now? I'm not really sure how to handle it. I've been down this road to many times. Yet I still love him. Any advice on how to make it through when you have a repeat offender? Seems to me that I have two choices- but my heart breaks with either one. We have two children and I focus on them. So when does someone finally decide that enough is enough?