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LittleWing13 · #51 02-09-2010, 10:17 AM

In response to Kimi~
If you finished reading my post, you would see that I'm very aware that there are a lot of men (and women) that lack a concience when it comes to cheating. I was married to one...and I divorced him.

My point is, nobody has the right answer, because there isn't one. I see alot of presumputous, arrogant, crap on this site...and that's what I was referring to. Oh and how ironic that there are women who will forgive some of the things there man did to land 'em in prison, but infidelity is a deal breaker no matter the circumstances. It's almost comical.

As for the cheaters who just made a mistake and are truly remorseful, yada yada yada...I'm quite sure there are more of those instances than you are aware of. In most of those cases, the couple handles it in a private manner (go figure), working through it in order to keep their family together...it's really not uncommon for there to be instances of infidelity in long-lasting marriages....been happening since the beginning of time.

JR09 · #52 02-09-2010, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HisAngel2

Thanks for the Bible lesson that I didn't need. I did what I needed to do in my marriage which was divorce him. You may not agree and feel that perhaps I should have stayed in an abusive marriage and just looked the other way at his infidelity, but I knew it was time to get out.

And for the record...if he had treated me this way during the time we dated, I would have never married. Once we were married I became his posession.

GEEEZZ touchy touchy subject....

I can not give you a bible lesson in a small paragraph. Besides we could be here all day discussing this, but each person interprets the bible differently. I merely added another view to your post. You brought up points from the bible that you felt were valid and so did i this is a debate not me personally attaking you!!

If were discussing the biblical side of cheating than that is MY view!!

Good for you on leaving, really i applaud you, if more people would stick up for themselves this thread wouldst be necessary! I dont think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage, my aunt was murdered by her husband!! So please don't oppress your judgement of a small post of mine, on me, to say that i feel you should of stayed with an abusive man.

I said CHEATING not abusing you, if its your safety that is at risk than leave.

I was making that statement for the people who marry men who are jerks, and marry them any way, than cry and moan about it later. I was simply trying to make a point that marrige is taken too lightly now a days. So my entire post wasnt directed to you.

I come in peace here, i dont have the right to judge anyone, all i can do is give you all my thoughts, sometimes they may be jumbled but here they are. We can all agree to disagree.

** BTW i re read my post and it sounds as if it is directed to you, that was not my intention, sometimes my thoughts get jumbled when i type them. I was just generally speaking.

NoOne1994 · #53 02-09-2010, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully_luv

I am sorry I thought trust was just that, trust. My attempt was to correlate it with something that other women could visualize. If you trust that a man incarcerated will come home and "be a man" and support their relationships then I think that you can fathom how a person can, using your words, "work through trust issues". We all are hoping the best out of these men/ women that we love. We want to believe that they will "change" and improve. Love hopes for the best

. Completely agree. Seeing as though we are all in a unique situation here, I'm sure we can relate to one anothers possible future dilemmas.

For me, I'm one of those who would have to play it by ear and evaluate the situation. Having been on the offending side of the coin, I'm no one to preach fidelity to anyone.

Jason'sLady makes a great point that goes along with one of my rules and regs. Same with another poster who feels she could forgive a one night stand but not an all out emotional affair.

Another point I'm attempting to make is that while there's the 'never' crowd and the 'forever' crowd I think we're all jumping the gun by foreshadowing how we would handle each situation if it was put in our laps.

Some things are certain for us and others need to be handled when we get to that bridge.

(I flip flop on this subject and tend to play Devil's advocate from time to time. I don't take much personal here

)

LittleWing13 · #54 02-09-2010, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoNpal

I don't see that anybody has said "once a cheater, always a cheater"

Really? I see that nonsense all the time here...

selliegrl · #55 02-09-2010, 10:32 AM

A few months ago my friend since I was in the 3rd grade found out her man cheated on her. She whas been married to him since she was 19 about 18 years. They have 3 children her oldest is 16 who happens to be a male. Who is the one that found out dad was cheating on mommy. He confronted his dad and asked him to come clean to mom. She is devasted called me for advice. I told her that had it happen to me I would look at the whole picture and probably would forgive my husband. Her husband is a good man. He just slipped. Thought he could hit it and quit it and wifey would never find out. She loves him and he loves her. I know this because I see how they look at eachother. It took days for her to finally get the strenght to look at him in his eyes and tell him she was willing to forgive and maybe in time forget. Well its only been a few months, he is doing everything in his power to gain her trust back. He told me its hard work but he knows her forgiving him is even harder. Her 2 younger kids dont really know what happened. She didnt see the need in telling them if she was going to forgive him. The oldest knows and he is very supportive of his mom forgiving dad. So I guess sometimes cheating doesnt mean its over.

Kimi06 · #56 02-09-2010, 10:33 AM

[quote=faithfully_luv;5220349] What I mean by that is "loving yourself" does not mean driving two hours just to see someone you cannot freely be with. Loving yourself does not mean spending hundreds of dollars a month sending packages, writing letters, and putting money on someone else's books.

1. Cheating is something totally different
2. I would never send hundreds of dollars to anyone.

so, why do you trust them???? Is it because you, like so many else here, want to believe the best out of that person (TRUE)

But sending money, packages and writing letters, wont destroy
me as a person or give me aids or a unwanted pregnancy added
with a dose of unwanted drama in my life. This absolutely has
nothing to do with cheating no disrespect to you.

KImi06

seahawk · #57 02-09-2010, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by selliegrl

I have read alot of posts where women say if he cheats, Im gone... my question is this. Where is the deep love you have for him? I mean isn't marriage about working things out? He messed up yes. I agree my first reaction would be get out and forget the bastard. But can deep love be turned of like a light switch? I dont think it can. So really honestly would you ladies be able to walk away that easily? In my case Ive been with my husband 16 years and have 4 children. Im not sure if I would be able to walk away and let one mistake take that all away from me. If I cheated would he be able to walk away from me and not even try to work things out. I dont know. Maybe he would. Maybe he would forgive and try to forget. I would want him to stick around and work on the marriege and not give up so easily. When people marry each other they take vows for better or worse. But you also promise fidelity as well. Cheating is the worst but it happens. Would it be easier to forgive a one night stand than a side thing that has been going on for a while?

I like your words, and agree with them. Love is not so easily broken if it is real. A one night stand should be easier to forgive then something on the side however, both speak to a weakness in the relationship

MCNLUV · #58 02-09-2010, 10:54 AM

I have told my husband in the past that if he ever cheated that would be it for us but I now in my heart thats not how it would go down. We would talk it out and see where the problem is. There has to be a underlying problem is. I didnt get married just to turn around and be ready to divorce at any minute. Every marriage has problems and no marriage is ever perfect. We have already talked about it, me and my hubby, and we decided that if we ever felt like we were getting to a point where we were tempted by someone else, or we just felt like we arent talking as much or whatever the case is, we would talk it out before doing anything. So if we come to a conclusion where it just cant be fixed and theres nothing left between us then we would just go our seperate ways....I think communication is KEY in marriage....

faithfully_luv · #59 02-09-2010, 10:54 AM

[quote=Kimi06;5220438]

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully_luv

What I mean by that is "loving yourself" does not mean driving two hours just to see someone you cannot freely be with. Loving yourself does not mean spending hundreds of dollars a month sending packages, writing letters, and putting money on someone else's books.

1. Cheating is something totally different
2. I would never send hundreds of dollars to anyone.

so, why do you trust them???? Is it because you, like so many else here, want to believe the best out of that person (TRUE)

But sending money, packages and writing letters, wont destroy
me as a person or give me aids or a unwanted pregnancy added
with a dose of unwanted drama in my life. This absolutely has
nothing to do with cheating no disrespect to you.

KImi06

What I meant when I typed that was to address the whole concept of "loving yourself".....If you love yourself and that means not giving of yourself then supporting someone in prision/ jail would not be conduscive. Cheating, not unlike incarceration, is a breach of trust.

Example....I trusted my husband to help provide emotionally and financially to the success of our family. I trusted him to be here for me. ....He shattered that trust with is incarceration.

Example....I trusted my husband to respect the sanctity of our marriage. He shattered this trust with his infedelity.

Both are trust issues

Sending letters, money, packages.....is a selfless act of love. These men cannot support us or pay a bill when times get hard. I am sure supporting our loved ones puts a dent in our pockets (occasionally). That money and time could be put to more productive usage. There is no reciprocation....just selfess acts of love

I correlate this, in my mind, with selflessly making the decision to save my family. It requires me to acknowledge that I was crushed and hurt. But my family means more, so I will selflesslesly "work through our trust issues" and choose forgivness. It requires a sacrifice on my part like any other selfless act....but to me, I can do it

chelseagreg1427 · #60 02-09-2010, 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleWing13

Let me throw out a scenario...
A woman whose married with children...finds out that her husband of 15 years had too much to drink at a party and had a one-night-stand. He comes clean and begs her to forgive him...he's a good dad, a good husband, and she knows that his heart is in the right place. How would she be doing the right thing by not trying to work it out with him? I guess she should just allow this one stupid mistake to tear not only her marriage, but her family apart? What, because of stupid pride?

Why in the world would it be her fault if the marriage and family were broken apart?! that would be HIS fault for being stupid and cheating.

Thats part of the point.. he cheats, we decide to leave... so therefore its OUR fault for breaking up the family or not loving him enough,blah blah blah.

NO he made that very first decision.. he cheated and he ruined everything.

I don't owe any many anything if he can't stay faithful to me, and vice-versa.

chelseagreg1427 · #61 02-09-2010, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully_luv

The act of loving someone who really cannot do anything for you besides send you a card or a piece of paper (that you most likely paid for) exclaiming his love for you.

seriously? I'm sorry if your guy doesn't give you enough security, love, and a reason to stay with him but that does not mean every man is like that. I dont even need the letters and cards to know how much he loves me. we could not be able to talk once during his entire bid but just make a vow before he left to stay together and stay faithful and we'll see each other when he gets out.. and it would be the same.

I know how much this man loves me and a lack of taking me out to dinner,movies, paying for expensive gifts, etc. is not going to make his love for me any less.

and btw mine has sent me and done so much more than one card and one piece of paper exclaiming his love for me.

chelseagreg1427 · #62 02-09-2010, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by selliegrl

Thought he could hit it and quit it and wifey would never find out. She loves him and he loves her.

I dont see how these two could be said together...

he thought he could hit and and quit it and wifey would never find out but he loves ooooh so much?!

geez if my guy ever has the thought that well as long as she doesnt find out i can hit it and quit it and since i love her all will be well.
uhh no i dont think so. just the fact that he thinks like that is beyond disrespectful no matter how much he "loves" her.

Kimi06 · #63 02-09-2010, 11:20 AM

[quote=faithfully_luv;5220452][quote=Kimi06;5220438]
What I meant when I typed that was to address the whole concept of "loving yourself".....If you love yourself and that means not giving of yourself then supporting someone in prision/ jail would not be conduscive. Cheating, not unlike incarceration, is a breach of trust.

I respect your thoughts, however in my mind there is no comparison
with incarceration and cheating. True enough both are a decision you
choose to make but cheating is something that causes a greater pain.
The reason why I say that faithfullyluv is because
I have a friend who I now take to the hospital because her husband
who loved her so much gave her HIV positive so for me it's more
personal and I am entitled to feel how I feel and I did read your
whole thread the fact I don't agree with it is totally different.
There is never any disrespect with me towards anybody but I am just
stressing my feeling on it and how I view it. My husband is not incarcerated
so I can't speak on that but I can speak on the cheating because it is
unacceptable 4 me but I don't bash anyone for wanting to stick by
their man that falls short of this. My brother is a lifer and his fiance
stood by him with alot of things and she too dealt with his cheating
but I see how now that he is locked up it totally destroyed her as
a person. So I am not bashing you @ all but I am looking @ the
after affects on other young women who will never be the same
because of the cheating.

Blessings
KImi06

HisAngel2 · #64 02-09-2010, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JR09

GEEEZZ touchy touchy subject....

I can not give you a bible lesson in a small paragraph. Besides we could be here all day discussing this, but each person interprets the bible differently. I merely added another view to your post. You brought up points from the bible that you felt were valid and so did i this is a debate not me personally attaking you!!

If were discussing the biblical side of cheating than that is MY view!!

Good for you on leaving, really i applaud you, if more people would stick up for themselves this thread wouldst be necessary! I dont think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage, my aunt was murdered by her husband!! So please don't oppress your judgement of a small post of mine, on me, to say that i feel you should of stayed with an abusive man.

I said CHEATING not abusing you, if its your safety that is at risk than leave.

I was making that statement for the people who marry men who are jerks, and marry them any way, than cry and moan about it later. I was simply trying to make a point that marrige is taken too lightly now a days. So my entire post wasnt directed to you.

I come in peace here, i dont have the right to judge anyone, all i can do is give you all my thoughts, sometimes they may be jumbled but here they are. We can all agree to disagree.

** BTW i re read my post and it sounds as if it is directed to you, that was not my intention, sometimes my thoughts get jumbled when i type them. I was just generally speaking.

Unfortunately for me it is a touchy subject and I really don't want to see another woman go thru what I did. I absolutely do not believe that the Lord was pleased with seeing me in this very hurtful and damaging relationship. I know it broke His heart to see me cry myself to sleep every night as I cried out to Him for help.

The hell I went thru is something that I want to spare another woman from, plain and simple. Just because some of us on here are Christians, doesn't mean we are doormats.

And just a little side note, IMO cheating on your spouse is emotional abuse.

chelseagreg1427 · #65 02-09-2010, 11:25 AM

I just want to know..

Since when is it a bad thing to not allow someone to treat you in a way you don't agree with.

if your guy cheats on you and you want to stay.. cool go for it, its your choice.

but saying that those of us who say no i cant do that, i cant stay with someone who does that to me, just don't love "enough" or are heartless or whatever just sounds stupid.

its a good thing to be able to stand up and say NO I will not take this, not a bad thing or an unloving thing.

love_ben · #66 02-09-2010, 11:27 AM

ok lets see if i can say this right i would be more upset if i found out he had been telling the otherr person he loved them i think sex doesnt always carry emotions with it a man can stick it in any hole thats gonna let them but it takes more emotions to love a person than sex does if its just sex i could forgive but if he was making love to another women i would be hurt it would hurt me for him to be emonalty attached to another women than for it to just be sex cause sex is is sex love is love to me i hope this is understandable and not confusing i am not so good with put things in words

chelseagreg1427 · #67 02-09-2010, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thatgirl_78

But I can honestly say that I cheated on my first husband with my current husband, and even though it was so stressful, I don't regret any of it.

And that right there is why I couldnt do it, a cheaters mindset is beyond me.

and you dont even regret it.. how terribly terribly sad. whoever is saying something like that, it shows a lot about their character.

BTW- what happened to I dont want to be with person A anymore but I am intersted in person B.. so maybe i should break things off with person A before I go cheating and ruining people's self esteem and what not.

and for anyone who is the other man or woman and stays with that person when the old relationship is over.. eeekk watch out, it could be you next!

chelseagreg1427 · #68 02-09-2010, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfully_luv

But I find it hard to believe that the women here can stay in a situation where their bfs and husbands are incarcerated but then put there foot down when it comes to infedelity.

1. these are two totally different things.

2. check out my thread.. what are you relationship ending dealbreakers. there are so many reasons and certain people stay for some and leave for others.

3. my fiance is in for having a pipe on him. he was doing drugs a few times a week. I have decided to stay with him because it is an addiction, a disease, but something that CAN be overcome and dealt with. Also the only way he hurt me was by going to prison.

now if he had been off doing drugs with some other girl(not being sexual) and lying to me about it and making the time for her and not for me.. then i would leave, because if he would rather spend ALL his time, platonic or otherwise, with someone else then it justs not worth it to me.

OH- and i thought this was a cheating thread not a how can you stay with your guy in prison thread?!

selliegrl · #69 02-09-2010, 11:54 AM

So just so I am clear you have no problem with being with a drug addict but have a problem being with a cheater. And your reasoning for this is because addiction is something that can be overcome. HUMMMM interesting, oh but wait of course he cant be smooking the pookie with a female because you would be gone. Got it. Smoke the pookie in the bathroom by himself and its all good. LOL... statistics show that drug use usually leads to sexual activity which more than likely be with another drug addict which guess what might end up in cheating. JMO

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelseagreg1427

1. these are two totally different things.

2. check out my thread.. what are you relationship ending dealbreakers. there are so many reasons and certain people stay for some and leave for others.

3. my fiance is in for having a pipe on him. he was doing drugs a few times a week. I have decided to stay with him because it is an addiction, a disease, but something that CAN be overcome and dealt with. Also the only way he hurt me was by going to prison.

now if he had been off doing drugs with some other girl(not being sexual) and lying to me about it and making the time for her and not for me.. then i would leave, because if he would rather spend ALL his time, platonic or otherwise, with someone else then it justs not worth it to me.

OH- and i thought this was a cheating thread not a how can you stay with your guy in prison thread?!

chelseagreg1427 · #70 02-09-2010, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by selliegrl

So just so I am clear you have no problem with being with a drug addict but have a problem being with a cheater. And your reasoning for this is because addiction is something that can be overcome. HUMMMM interesting, oh but wait of course he cant be smooking the pookie with a female because you would be gone. Got it. Smoke the pookie in the bathroom by himself and its all good. LOL... statistics show that drug use usually leads to sexual activity which more than likely be with another drug addict which guess what might end up in cheating. JMO

none of your statistics mean you have ever met or know anything about my fiance.
and no i didnt say i have NO PROBLEM with drug use. in fact its been made clear that if he does another drug I will leave him, plain and simple.

a cheater will cheat. that same cheater might also be doing drugs.
but that doesnt mean a drug addict will cheat just because hes a drug addict.

and if he does end up cheating.. then im gone! so whats the problem?!

J&D7 · #71 02-09-2010, 12:27 PM

For a bunch of women who claim that their men would NEVER cheat on them and they're so sure of it and blah blah... we sure talk alot about cheating! Sheesh.

kellya5107 · #72 02-09-2010, 12:30 PM

LOVE IS PATIENT AND LOVE IS KIND BUT LOVE IS NOT A CHEATER. thats definately a deal breaker for me. I understand what you are saying but for me thats is a major NONO. I married my oldest childs father and we were only married for a short time b/c he cheated on me shortly after. i can honestly say it sucks majorly I became real depressed and also thought I had done something wrong b/c my marraige had failed. that was before I met my soon to be hubbykins. he has showed me that true love doesn't want to cheat....true unconditional love is something you both share and want to do things together and not seperately. We both feel the same way about cheating........... its a deal breaker for the both of us... we value our relationship in the highest of regards and we don't want anyone or anything to come between us ever.

In saying that about how me and my jon bear feel about our relationship, I know a couple that does just that. they have been married for 16yrs and she cheats on him constantly....he knows about it and has said several times that he rather her cheat and stay with him then cheat and leave him.I don't understand that....why would a self respected person let someone cheat on them repeatedly baffles me totally. I would never do that but as I say " to each their own"

chelseagreg1427 · #73 02-09-2010, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by J&D7

For a bunch of women who claim that their men would NEVER cheat on them and they're so sure of it and blah blah... we sure talk alot about cheating! Sheesh.

because there are just as many women who *know* their man would cheat on them or they are just sitting around waiting for that day. so of course they want to talk about it.

i talk about it to say sorry but not every single guy is that way. someones gotta stick up for the good guys.

selliegrl · #74 02-09-2010, 12:36 PM

There is nothing wrong in talking about it. Its when people answers get attacked by someone that does not agree with the response. Someone posts they would forgive their spouse all of the sudden she does not love herself , she has no respect for herself, she is dumb. Someone post they will not forgive and all of the sudden she is heartless. Everyone is in a different situation. I think we would all like to believe that our men would not do that to us. But you could never be too sure of anything. If tomorrow isnt promised neither is marriege with no infedellity.

J&D7 · #75 02-09-2010, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chelseagreg1427

because there are just as many women who *know* their man would cheat on them or they are just sitting around waiting for that day. so of course they want to talk about it.

i talk about it to say sorry but not every single guy is that way. someones gotta stick up for the good guys.

I was just saying that we all talk ourselves into a frenzy over something that's hypothetical

We could go on and on until we get this thread to 100 pages but I guarantee you no one will change anyone's minds or opinions on this. So we should probably just state our peace and accept that we all see things differently.