I'm dreading telling him that I want to be with my ex boyfriend.

[DisneyPrincess]

Hello To You All

I didn't know whether to put this under 'Here to Hear You' or 'Now That's it's Over.' It's more of a I hope I'm making the right choice. I think I am, because I am very happy and content. The only thing that doesn't sit well with me is that I am, again, a 'heartbreaker.'

I met 'R' 3 months ago. I like him, I would love to get to know more about him, and I was very curious and commited to see how we could grow together. I was very honest with him; I never promised him I would do time with him, I never told him I was faithful to him, I never said I would be there until the end or any of that. I did tell him that I wouldn't meet any new men. Physical contact with other didn't matter because I had chosen, before meeting him, to not have sex until it was with somebody whom I felt was 'worth' it. Since I met 'R' I have felt very loyal to him, I felt something strong and I felt like we would be a good match. I never expressed this to him because not very much time had passed and I didn't want to lead him on.

Welp, now an ex is in the picture. but not in a negative way. "The one that got away ladies" A few things my family said and pointed out made me really think about some things. Him and I met when I was 17. He was the manager of a sports store and I needed a new job. As soon as I turned 18, it was on! We hung out for a few months, I was SPRUNG on a physical level and I guess he was falling in love with me? I told him that I wanted to talk to another man I met and that him and I needed to end things so that I'm not dating one man and getting freaky with another. He got really upset and even though we quit seeing each other outside of work, we still had our 'manager meetings' (by the way, I became assistant manager BEFORE the first night together, haha) while I was inbetween boyfriends. I quit working there, we stayed in contact through out the years. He told me in the beginning to 'do me' and when I was serious and ready to settle down, to give him a call. Though I didn't call him, we are back in contact...

I feel SO complete!
I feel safe and secure.
I KNOW how this man feels about me.


I feel like, for once, I am choosing the right path. I have not a single doubt. I don't have any 'what ifs.' I know this man would marry me in an instant and be a great man. I strongly feel like things can be wonderful and 'right' between us if we don't rush. He's already mentioning marriage! I'm mentioning hanging out a few times a week Anyways, I'll shut up about him, I'm just so HAAAAAAPPY!!!!

Back to 'R.' I told him last night that I have been seeing and talking to my ex boyfriend and that I have a decision to make because I am NOT going to play games with any man - shit gets real old. Of course he told me that he wants to keep talking to me. He also said that he appreciates me being honest, that he doesn't feel like I lead him on or played with his emotions in any way, and to do what is right for me.

If I knew my ex boyfriend would come back into my life, then I would have never pursued 'R' on a romantic level. God, I just feel so GUILTY! Especially because of the situation. THIS is why I never made any promises, because I didn't want to break them in the future.

I'm really dreading telling him that when I look at the two of them, my ex is like, King Kong and 'R' is stuffed monkey. Okay, I won't tell him those exact words, but you get my comparison. I just hate disappointing people. It doesn't sit well with me. What do I do though? NOT tell him and slowly drift out of his life? I mean, I HAVE to tell him because it's only fair to him. I don't know...I don't know... I guess I thought that always telling him "only time will tell what happends between us" and not confirming any type of relationship with him would make me feel better now that I am in this situation.

[mrs.bug]

Originally Posted by DisneyPrincess

I'm really dreading telling him that when I look at the two of them, my ex is like, King Kong and 'R' is stuffed monkey. Okay, I won't tell him those exact words, but you get my comparison.

Saying things like this makes it pretty obvious that you never really cared for this man. Not that there's anything wrong with that, you never made him any promises so you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can't make yourself love someone anymore than you can make yourself stop loving someone.

Tell him you've met someone else, be very clear about it. If he wants to keep in contact and you do as well that's great, but only if he understands that the chances of anything romantic are not good. Don't string him along and keep him wondering though, that would be cruel. So far you've done things the right way, and congrats on the new/old man.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by mrs.bug

Saying things like this makes it pretty obvious that you never really cared for this man.

*Note to self - no sarcasm*

Originally Posted by mrs.bug

Tell him you've met someone else, be very clear about it. If he wants to keep in contact and you do as well that's great, but only if he understands that the chances of anything romantic are not good. Don't string him along and keep him wondering though, that would be cruel. So far you've done things the right way, and congrats on the new/old man.

Thanks. I've already told him..I just never fully told him my decision

[ghostgirl7389]

I don't think you are necessarily doing anything wrong here, it's part of growing up. It's perfectly fine to date more than one person, as long as you are completely honest to all parties. If you have made up your mind that you want to be with your ex boyfriend, just tell your friend. I assure you he will be fine, he may be a little sad for awhile, and then he'll get over it.

[esteli]

Sounds like you know exactly where you want to be. Hesitate no more and move on it. Sometimes in life you have to disappoint people but that's just life. R is a big boy. He isn't devoted to you either, from your past posts seems he is still in touch with other women in his life too. So this is great that you decided before making any commitments to R, before any of it got exclusive or serious.

I'm happy for you. Go, go, go and be happy.

[ambitious]

It's rough at first. It's really best to do it that way. He didn't come to you as a friend. He was interested in more. Best to part ways.

[NoOne1994]

The quicker you pull the Band Aid off the less it will hurt

Best of luck with the ex/new dude.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by NoOne1994

The quicker you pull the Band Aid off the less it will hurt

Originally Posted by NoOne1994

Best of luck with the ex/new dude.

Thank you.

[ambeeeezy]

It sounds like you've made the right decision for yourself. While R may be a little disappointed and sad, you can't live to satisfy everyone. Do what you see fit, just give R total honesty. He'll appreciate that more in the long run. I'm glad to hear you're happy, though! Good luck with everything.

[HisAngel2]

Honey - don't feel guilty for choosing your ex over R - you need to be happy too and you have been honest with R so don't sweat it!

I found that when I let Jay go and started moving forward in my life without him, that I have become a much happier person. I actually met someone last summer who I didn't give a second glance to and now, well, we are taking things SLOOOOOOWLY.

Good luck and enjoy being happy - you deserve it!

[#1AndOnly]

How and when you tell him will work itself out .. so I won't give any suggestions !

BUT

CONGRATS on finding someone who makes you happy.
Ready to read the small print ??? Not saying this will happen, but to keep your eyes wide open I will share a brief part of my history. I dated and did whatever, but when I met my now ex-husband I was so happy, so safe and secure and knew he was the one. We moved in together within a month of dating (we also had dated years prior for a brief time) and got engaged 6 months later, married a year later .. you get the picture. In the end I had to be honest and say that he wasn't right for me. It wasn't abusive .. well, not all the time. Our issue was more that I tried to push away the part of myself that he made me feel safe from, if that makes sense. I stopped going out, stopped doing things I enjoyed, and started doing what he liked, etc. I could go on all day but you get the pic .. continue to do you and stay on the slow track .. there's no rush in life, what's meant to be will be .. you know all those cliché's !

[kellya5107]

Its cool that u have chosen the ex over "R" ....I guess u followed ur heart about it. u feel guilty b/c u cared about him and have sum wat stepped out on him but if its your heart desire then go ahead and do wat u do. u really werent committed fully but inmates see things differently then we do in the free world. when u tell him be honest straight forward and let him know that u have no ramantic feelings for him. hope it all works out for u in the long run.

[JCJP2009]

You need to do what's in your heart and that's a healthy thing. The only thing is, I think you need to let R know asap so that he can move on with his life. It's not fair to him to just leaving him hangin', worrying and/or wondering - thinkin' that he's giving you time to make your decision while you already know. KWIM?

[justbeth]

Lets get down and gritty. You have already laid the foundation for the BOMB so just go ahead and drop it. You have made your decision and that is final RIGHT?!?!

Now remember dear I respect your perspective on a lot of your foundations of right and wrong and this is just my opinion. Life is to short to hold on to regret. I have many regrets in my life but as I sat with my children, the son in law and ones sons girl friend and though we were there with our hearts heavy with concern we were able to laugh, love, and enjoy and on the way home my oldest son said "Mom, don't regret the past, I want to see my mom smile, laugh, and just enjoy what life you have left with us for only God knows when he is going to call you home, so stop living in regret, start living for today and hope for tomorrow. " he pauses and does that snot thing and says "Mom, if it weren't for your strength, determination, and at times control freaking, we wouldn't have played sports, focused on our grades, and learned the hard lessons of what drugs and alcohol can do to someone(thanks to their step-dad) we wouldn't be in the lives we are, just be happy for you for a change." Finally, Disney able to let go of one regret, always thought I had been a bad mother to them and learned Nope, all the times they yelled "I hate you" they were actually yelling "thank you for caring" so care enough to drop the BOMB, don't regret and know that when you look back you can hold your head up, smile, laugh, dance in the rain as long as you hold onto the reasons you appreciate the ex/new boyfriend.

Past is the past, present is today and only today, and tomorrow is in God's hands.

Know in your heart, mind, and soul you have no regrets, know he will be fine and so will you, and know you loved, cared for, and appreciated by many.

Live life to the fullest because you never know if your a thumbprint, a little while or a hand print on someone knows life.

*no sarcasm* come here so I can leave a hand print on your life.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by His#1&only

keep your eyes wide open

always!

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by penandprayerpower

Lets get down and gritty. You have already laid the foundation for the BOMB so just go ahead and drop it. You have made your decision and that is final RIGHT?!?!

Yep, final decision was made, I just didn't want to drop it, lol.
Now that I did, I feel better.


Funny how things work though, last night I found out that he had randomly been called for a UA and he failed so he was on 23 hour lockdown for 10 days. I found that out I was like, LOSER! Sorry, I can understand somethings that a lot of people on here don't agree with, not saying I liked it or thought it was right, but I understood. But doing drugs? Come the f#ck on! Even if I didn't want to rekindle a romance with my ex I would have been ending ish anyways


On a good note one of my pen pals gets out in 10 days!
Yay for him.

Hope everyone has a WONDERFUL day!

[nimuay]

Hon, how about some time alone? I know you've made your decision, and that you feel great about it, but I wonder about having 3 different men and not just developing YOU as a stand-alone, rather than always needing to have a guy around.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by nimuay

Hon, how about some time alone? I know you've made your decision, and that you feel great about it, but I wonder about having 3 different men and not just developing YOU as a stand-alone, rather than always needing to have a guy around.

Huh? No, one man. We both want to start talking about, I couldn't be happier about it and I don't want to talk to two men at once, just curious how you got three men? I'm talking about seeing my ex a couple days a week, not packing some boxes and moving in with him.

I don't need a guy around. I'm alone at least 5 days a week - from female friends as well. I work 50-60 hours a week. I am in school and I work out 6 days a week. When I DO have free time, I tend to spend it doing laundry, lol. I've been single 9 months, and still am. Not a record breaker, but I know all about alone time, I know I need it and I do put that in front of everything. I'd go crazy without it.

I know all about myself as a stand-alone. Been knowing that.

Thanks though.

[criticalmass]

I am fascinated by this


you find out the guy has another penpal (on a previous thread you started), and the very next day you suddenly have a "plan B man".
you might feel a bit played, but it looks like everyone on the field is suited up for "game" (except maybe Mr. Secondstring)

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by criticalmass

I am fascinated by this


you find out the guy has other another penpal (on a previous thread you started), and the very next day you suddenly have a "plan B man".

you might feel a bit played, but it looks like everyone on the field is suited up for "game" (except maybe Mr. Secondstring)

I am with nimuay on this.

Well I'm just confused because I met him as a pen pal and have known he has other women pen pals and friends who he communicates with?

Never been an issue.

A lot of threads I start are from things I am curious about, like how other women would act in a situation. Some are from my situation, but most are just curious questions that my wandering mind came up with.

But yeah, I am really confused in who Mr. Secondstring is and when him having a pen pal was ever a problem? Not that it matters.

Plan B man was a funny one though.

[criticalmass]

Originally Posted by DisneyPrincess

Well I'm just confused because I met him as a pen pal and have known he has other women pen pals and friends who he communicates with?

Never been an issue.

A lot of threads I start are from things I am curious about, like how other women would act in a situation. Some are from my situation, but most are just curious questions that my wandering mind came up with.

But yeah, I am really confused in who Mr. Secondstring is and when him having a pen pal was ever a problem? Not that it matters.

Plan B man was a funny one though.

Uh, yeah.

I think you read what you wrote differently than what the rest of us read.


you were all upset about finding out 'lockup man' might be using you because he has more than one penpal and SUDDENLY you have this guy in the wings.

I dunno... you sound more like "the player" than your poor 'captive audience' (guy in the lockup)


Mr. Secondstring.. IS the plan B guy. which is NEVER funny... because if you have been in that position, (which I guess you have not) you would know that it sucks big time to not be someone's #1 when you are lucky enough to be with them.

A person locked up is still a person with FEELINGS and to toy with them is exponentially more hurtful than to do it to a free person, because the locked up person cannot go to the neighborhood bar and pick up something to soothe his wounded ego.
You call him a loser for getting loaded. Maybe you mattered to him, but clearly he didn't matter enough to you to consider his feelings.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by criticalmass

you were all upset about finding out 'lockup man' might be using you because he has more than one penpal and SUDDENLY you have this guy in the wings.

lol. a lot of members posts and pm's to me are about how maybe i should be concerned about whether he is out to play me or not, so thats incorrect. i feel like i cant be used unless i put myself in a position to be used. i never did. the what if of being used was never a huge concern of mine. i did post, a couple months ago, about whether people would see something he said as a red flag...but i dont think thats what you're talking about?

oh, lol, i dont need a 'plan b' to break things off with somebody if things werent working out. who does that?

Originally Posted by criticalmass

Mr. Secondstring.. IS the plan B guy. which is NEVER funny... because if you have been in that position, (which I guess you have not) you would know that it sucks big time to not be someone's #1 when you are lucky enough to be with them.

yeah, that would suck. im not okay with talking to two different guys because i dont want to put anyone in that position? i stated that.

Originally Posted by criticalmass

A person locked up is still a person with FEELINGS and to toy with them is exponentially more hurtful than to do it to a free person, because the locked up person cannot go to the neighborhood bar and pick up something to soothe his wounded ego.

okay, so since this person has feelings for me i should follow HIS heart instead of my own right? wtf? did you even read my op? the whole point was that i was dreading telling him that i decided to move forward with my ex because i didnt want to disappoint him. he had known that i was talking to my ex again because i told him everything. wouldnt NOT telling him be toying with his emotions? isnt being honest the right thing to do? i never ONCE played with his feelings while talking to him.

Originally Posted by criticalmass

Maybe you mattered to him, but clearly he didn't matter enough to you to consider his feelings.

......? i AM considering his feelings by telling him! if i was suuuuch a 'player' wouldnt i just keep talking to him? he would never know if i was seeing somebody else. i dont want to lead anybody on so i had to make a decision to let one of them down. that is what the vent was about, because i hate letting people down. i would have vented about it if it was the ex i was letting down. its something that i hate to do, and i wasnt looking forward to it.



i had two options, tell him or dont.
there is one right and one wrong.

where does toying with his emotions and not considering his feelings come into what i chose to do?


lets take the ex out of the picture, talking to somebody who does hard drugs, prison or not, is NOT another road i am going to take. soooo, if 'mr second string' never came into the picture, our conversation last night would have ended the exaaaact saaaaame waaaay.


at the end of the day, i do what is right for me. im happy with my decision.
if your not, keep it moving criticalmess, because i still am.

[Danya]

if your not, keep it moving criticalmess, because i still

am.

[Poison_Evi]

Originally Posted by DisneyPrincess

Hello To You All

I didn't know whether to put this under 'Here to Hear You' or 'Now That's it's Over.' It's more of a I hope I'm making the right choice. I think I am, because I am very happy and content. The only thing that doesn't sit well with me is that I am, again, a 'heartbreaker.'

I met 'R' 3 months ago. I like him, I would love to get to know more about him, and I was very curious and commited to see how we could grow together. I was very honest with him; I never promised him I would do time with him, I never told him I was faithful to him, I never said I would be there until the end or any of that. I did tell him that I wouldn't meet any new men. Physical contact with other didn't matter because I had chosen, before meeting him, to not have sex until it was with somebody whom I felt was 'worth' it. Since I met 'R' I have felt very loyal to him, I felt something strong and I felt like we would be a good match. I never expressed this to him because not very much time had passed and I didn't want to lead him on.

Welp, now an ex is in the picture. but not in a negative way. "The one that got away ladies" A few things my family said and pointed out made me really think about some things. Him and I met when I was 17. He was the manager of a sports store and I needed a new job. As soon as I turned 18, it was on! We hung out for a few months, I was SPRUNG on a physical level and I guess he was falling in love with me? I told him that I wanted to talk to another man I met and that him and I needed to end things so that I'm not dating one man and getting freaky with another. He got really upset and even though we quit seeing each other outside of work, we still had our 'manager meetings' (by the way, I became assistant manager BEFORE the first night together, haha) while I was inbetween boyfriends. I quit working there, we stayed in contact through out the years. He told me in the beginning to 'do me' and when I was serious and ready to settle down, to give him a call. Though I didn't call him, we are back in contact...

I feel SO complete!
I feel safe and secure.
I KNOW how this man feels about me.


I feel like, for once, I am choosing the right path. I have not a single doubt. I don't have any 'what ifs.' I know this man would marry me in an instant and be a great man. I strongly feel like things can be wonderful and 'right' between us if we don't rush. He's already mentioning marriage! I'm mentioning hanging out a few times a week Anyways, I'll shut up about him, I'm just so HAAAAAAPPY!!!!

"R" is gonna be fine, you kept it 100 from the gate so don't worry too much about disappointing him. He's a big boy and he'll get over it. Ok, now I'm gonna take a whole different angle than those who have posted before me. You don't have to agree with me, its JMO.....I'm more concerned about the ex who you've started talking to again. Seems like you kinda played ol boy out the first time around to talk to someone who obviously didn't work out. So now that you know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, are you sure you want to enter into a relationship with this guy again? Is this really what you want? He seems like a keeper and I would hate to see him turn into a jerk like so many good ones have done before simply because he's been played one time too many.

[DisneyPrincess]

Originally Posted by Ladyj08

"R" is gonna be fine, you kept it 100 from the gate so don't worry too much about disappointing him. He's a big boy and he'll get over it.

Thanks

Originally Posted by Ladyj08

Ok, now I'm gonna take a whole different angle than those who have posted before me. You don't have to agree with me, its JMO.....I'm more concerned about the ex who you've started talking to again. Seems like you kinda played ol boy out the first time around to talk to someone who obviously didn't work out.

No, I can see where you're coming from. I wasn't in a relationship with him when everything went down. We worked together and slept together almost every night, just to put that out there. At a family function I met this guy (NOT in my family, lmao) and he seemed really nice, someone I'd like to talk to and get to know. Since I was sleeping with "O" I told him we needed to stop if I was going to be going on dates and taking the time to get to know other guys. This is when we first tried being together, I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship like he wanted, and he understood that. He is 10 years older then me. That's why he was kind of like 'do you,' and come back when you're ready. I know he was upset, but I don't know about feeling played? I'm gonna ask him tonight..it was 3 years ago, but I'm sure he'll want an apology because I never meant to play him if I did.

Originally Posted by Ladyj08

So now that you know the grass isn't always greener on the other side, are you sure you want to enter into a relationship with this guy again?

We have issues to work out. For me, even though I was honest with him, as I have ALWAYS been in relationships, I haven't always been loyal. For him, he's too eager to have a child. I understand he is older, but I can't take a kid back.

I think it's the right time to address them and move forward.

Originally Posted by Ladyj08

Is this really what you want?

Yeah. I know he really cared about me, I never knew he still would years later. I always wished I met him when I was older and had a little bit more out of my system. I feel lucky.

Originally Posted by Ladyj08

He seems like a keeper and I would hate to see him turn into a jerk like so many good ones have done before simply because he's been played one time too many.

I agree 1000000000% and I wouldn't want to be the one who did that to him.