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Rashardswife807 · #1 05-10-2010, 09:20 PM

Ok let me start by saying I know my hubby loves me!!! However he is making me question his integrity in our relationship!!! This may be a little long!!! So we have a daughter together and have been together for 3 years!!! He has another child from a previous relationship. His relationship with his BM confuses me!! When we first got together he would want me to leave when she came down to drop off his daughter and she would have to saty overnight beCause she lives 3 hours away! Well into our relationship and while I was pregnant he still wanted me to leave when she came to so called avoid conflict!!! And he was forced to tell her about my pregnancy when I was 7 monrths pregnant (by me) because he had no intentions of doing so!!! Last summer when he was home after his sentencing she came down to do her daughters hair and she had this huige issue with me being there at the same time so she went to a hotel with her kids and called him the next day all hurt wanting him to appologize and he really sat on the phone

Rashardswife807 · #2 05-10-2010, 09:30 PM

Appologizing and explaining himself to her!!! She would leave everytrime I came around and never opened her mouth to speak!!! Now hes been back jail since last august and from what I can see has had ni contact with her!!! All of sudden now she has a facebook page with pictures of the two of them up!!! I questioned him he says he has no idea why she did that!!! I told him he needs to straighten thi shit out with her he tells me that I need to speak to her since I have an issue!!! I just dont know what to think at this point!!! Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

SexyDiva20 · #3 05-10-2010, 09:47 PM

I think he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Seems like he still wants his baby mama but doesnt want to hurt you by leaving you. I'll be DAMNED if I'd leave the house (whether his or mine) so that he and his baby mama were alone! If I left the house it would be with all my bags packed or his (depending on the living situation) and it would be OVER! NO questions asked. That's a bunch of bull! I think he's cheating or at least trying to work his way back in with her. I'd just advise you to be careful and not to trust him too much

SexyDiva20 · #4 05-10-2010, 09:52 PM

I know you may think it's all for his child BUT at the same time if you and him are planning on marrying each other then the child should be included in the picture. If the baby mama refuses to let him see his daughter he can just take her to court for visitation rights. I would also be majorly hurt because he wasnt man enough to tell her you were carrying his child! A baby is a blessing and he was keeping it a secret just to keep down conflict??! Thats bull too and you shouldnt have been forced to tell her of your pregnancy, it's none of her business!

Rashardswife807 · #5 05-10-2010, 10:00 PM

Damn! I knew it was bad but after you repeating it I really feel like a chump!!! There is sooo much more to this!!! He claims it all becuase she acts stupid and wants to keep the peace because he doesnt want her with holding his child from him!!! I wish there was a way I could find out if they have been writing or anything while he has been locked up!!!

mikeswifey730 · #6 05-10-2010, 10:04 PM

Yeah girl I'm wit sexydiva on this. I mean it all sounds pretty shady to me I would beat my husband down n tell him peace out if he ever tried me like that. Who knows what he's telling her on the side.

Rashardswife807 · #7 05-10-2010, 10:19 PM

You know I just dont know what to do!!! Even his family treats her like this including his mom and sisters!!! Everyone acts like she is crazy and has to be tippy toed around for the sake of seeing the lil girl! Dont get me wrong I love his daughter we have agreat relationship but htis is crazy!!! Both of them have supposively moved each has a child with someone else so why things are like this I dont know!!! I just dont know how much I can deal with!!! Now he just regrets ever letting us be near eachother becuase it would have saved the drama!!! She has up and moved away with the lil girl before but at some point I have to come first if im suppost to be his wife!!!

PrettyBluLuv · #8 05-10-2010, 11:15 PM

I don't have children and neither does hubby so this may be way off base but... Let it roll of your back. If he isn't contacting her she just may be on some next sh$t. ONLY worry about your child! And then YOU! and THEN your hubby! As long as she isn't hurting you, oh well she can dream all she wants!

PrettyBluLuv · #9 05-10-2010, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rashardswife807

You know I just dont know what to do!!! Even his family treats her like this including his mom and sisters!!! Everyone acts like she is crazy and has to be tippy toed around for the sake of seeing the lil girl! Dont get me wrong I love his daughter we have agreat relationship but htis is crazy!!! Both of them have supposively moved each has a child with someone else so why things are like this I dont know!!! I just dont know how much I can deal with!!! Now he just regrets ever letting us be near eachother becuase it would have saved the drama!!! She has up and moved away with the lil girl before but at some point I have to come first if im suppost to be his wife!!!

YES you are supposed to be his wife! But let me say this, I know of people in my very own family who don't want their child around their father because he may be in jail or is a bad influence. Try to focus right now on YOU and YOUR children! They are more important than ANY man! If he wants to keep the peace, maybe he does, but you have to talk to him openly, and express how you feel. Hopefully he can openly tell you how he feels about the situation. I can't tell you how to judge what he says cause you know him better than I but maybe she IS trying to keep his child away from him, some women are just trif!

outinaussie · #10 05-11-2010, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rashardswife807

I told him he needs to straighten thi shit out with her he tells me that I need to speak to her since I have an issue!!! I just dont know what to think at this point!!! Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

so he thinks the way shes acting is normal??? he dosent see or understand your point of view??? or do you think he is just saying that because hes not man enough to face her himself...
this is just wrong the way he has allowed her to dictate stuff here.. why do you have to accomodate her desires.. this shit is not cool..
i hate when people use kids like that...
he needs to start putting you & your relationship first before his ex if he wants your relationship to work... if she wants to be nasty & try & keep the child away from him.. theres measures he can take.. i know this isnt the easiest road for him to take.. but he needs to step up & be the husband you deserve.. if your relationship is important to him more than she is..
now.. you also need to stop accepting this stuff.. i mean how many women would leave house so the ex can come sleep over??? you have allowed them to get away with this crap.. you need to put a stop to that also... unless you change your attitude about what you deserve & demand respect, things will only get worse...
if hes not willing to do anything to change the situation now.. me personally, id walk..

charlotte98 · #11 05-11-2010, 02:56 AM

I don't trust the situation. I'd listen to my gut. Your intuition is usually right.

Rashardswife807 · #12 05-11-2010, 08:01 AM

You ladies are absolutely right!!! I just dont know what my next step should be being that hes in jail!!! Hes many hours away from both of us so its not as if it can be sat down and hashed out so even if he claimed to have handled it I really wouldnt know until he gets out!!! Basicaly I just really dont know how to truly resolve it while he is away!!!

justbeth · #13 05-11-2010, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rashardswife807

Appologizing and explaining himself to her!!! She would leave everytrime I came around and never opened her mouth to speak!!! Now hes been back jail since last august and from what I can see has had ni contact with her!!! All of sudden now she has a facebook page with pictures of the two of them up!!! If she is done with him why put pictures up of them together?I questioned him he says he has no idea why she did that!!! I told him he needs to straighten thi shit out with her he tells me sounds to me like he has little boy underroos on and doesn't want to man up.that I need to speak to her since I have an issue!!! I just dont know what to think at this point!!! Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

From your first post and this one I would say he wants his cake and icing and get the pleasure from dipping in either when and how he wants to.

I would raise your child and take care of you and put him on the back burner. A man isn't a man unless he handles his business. He created to beautiful children by two different women it is up to him to handle the issues that arise not you. Tell him to man up or your moving on to find a real man.

There is a difference of loving someone and loving someone enough to let them go.

Wobabi · #14 05-11-2010, 08:30 AM

The bottom line is men need to stop allowing the baby mothers emotions and actions effect how they deal with their kid!
Here in IL it is a FELONY to interrupt visitation and they are not playing. They have warrent out for Dwayne Wade (NBA player) Wife right now over this dumb mess and the Judge said on record she is going to give the Father custody for a few months and see how the mother likes that!
Stop cow towing to these broads and excercise your legal rights!!!
Your husband needs to come out and file his visitation PERIOD! So he can go get his child and bring the child back when HE is supposed to.
I would write/call/visit whatever needs to be done to let him know that he needs file his court actions and then put her on notice!!! Otherwise you are going to file your court docs and put him on notice and move on with your life.
You cannot be trapped by his inability or un-willingness to put her in her lane on top of dealing with him being in and out of jail-somethings got to give,,,,

Rashardswife807 · #15 05-11-2010, 09:10 AM

I agree 100% i just finished a letter letting him know what the deal is and i will see him again on june 5th!!! Either shit gets straightened out or atleast effort to do so or i have to take a step back!!!

Csmcgrl23 · #16 05-11-2010, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wobabi

The bottom line is men need to stop allowing the baby mothers emotions and actions effect how they deal with their kid!
Here in IL it is a FELONY to interrupt visitation and they are not playing. They have warrent out for Dwayne Wade (NBA player) Wife right now over this dumb mess and the Judge said on record she is going to give the Father custody for a few months and see how the mother likes that!
Stop cow towing to these broads and excercise your legal rights!!!
Your husband needs to come out and file his visitation PERIOD! So he can go get his child and bring the child back when HE is supposed to.
I would write/call/visit whatever needs to be done to let him know that he needs file his court actions and then put her on notice!!! Otherwise you are going to file your court docs and put him on notice and move on with your life.
You cannot be trapped by his inability or un-willingness to put her in her lane on top of dealing with him being in and out of jail-somethings got to give,,,,

PREACH!!!! I'm standing up and clapping AMEN!!!!! When will men get a back bone and just do what they need to do? I used to have to show respect to my ex's baby mama that she never had to show to me even though I cared for her child when his ass was drunk! All because he didn't want her to keep the kid from him. It's like WTF? And these women need to put some big girl panties on and move on, let a man be a father to his children instead of using them as pawn and as a way to disrupt any future relationships. UGH. Damn, I'm glad I don't deal with crap like this. Once was enough for me!

Csmcgrl23 · #17 05-11-2010, 09:39 AM

To the OP...you said you told him about FB and he said for YOU to say something since YOU are the one that has a problem with it? So he doesn't have a problem with her claiming they are together or whatever she is doing? I get the feeling that he likes it. He likes that she wants him, whether he acts on it or not. But he has obviously put her feelings and emotions ahead of yours. Making you leave when she shows up? I'm not one for confrontation but that would be a serious problem for me.

They have to have some kind of relationship because they have a child together but he needs to set forth for BOTH of you what that relationship is. Me personally, I'd be done by now...I would have been done when he refused to tell her you were pregnant. SMDH.

Rashardswife807 · #18 05-11-2010, 10:04 AM

The more psosts I read the more foolish I feel!!! I dont understand man!!! He acts like he gets it at one point and then switches up!!! Hes really being a punk!!!

Csmcgrl23 · #19 05-11-2010, 10:17 AM

Don't feel foolish. We all get fooled at some point but it's what we learn that matters the most. It sucks but when you realize all that is being done you can only learn from it and make sure the same doesn't happen over and over again. You'll be able to notice more quickly when BS is happening and you'll put a stop to it much sooner. I don't think you should just give up like that but let it be known what you will and will not put up with then STAND FIRM to that. But also be ready to walk away if you see no change.

Wobabi · #20 05-11-2010, 10:18 AM

Well Mama just stay focused,,,,a lot of times men are afraid of the BM . Shyte his family appears to be afraid too!
Men will lead BM on and cover stuff up just to keep the peace.
So in all fairness since you are just now coming to this bridge-Give him a chance to see if he will cross it.
Dont let YOUR emotions get in it as well. State your claims and position. Give him his options. See what he does and then decide if he is a punk or not.
We are here for u-and mama dint raise no fools right?

Rashardswife807 · #21 05-11-2010, 10:28 AM

Thats some awesome advice!!! All of it has been thank you all so much I feel so much better having a clear head now!!!

luvnangl · #22 05-11-2010, 10:42 AM

He needs to handle her not tell u that u have too. He should have an issue with her disrespecting his and ur relationship by having pics of the two of them up. He needs to set her straight. He and his family have legal rights to see the child so tiptoeing around her is Bs. All that does is show her she's the one holding all the power. I agree with the others here it does seem like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.. That could b wrong he could think its keeping peace...but its not..its disrespecting you your child and your entire relationship. I wish you luck with this. (Hugs) It will get better.

Rashardswife807 · #23 05-11-2010, 11:53 AM

Everything is on stand still now until I hear back from him!!! Im not sending him another letter until he lets me know what he intends to do about all of this!!! I cant keep going to the front line for him but he wont for me!!! This same man flipped on my ex for calling to check on his god daughter who is my lil cousin and still gets upset about him giving me a ride over 2 years ago! Yet he doesnt see where he is wrong in this!!!

Rashardswife807 · #24 05-11-2010, 12:30 PM

Can he get his visitation rights straightened out while he is locked up or does he have to wait until he comes home?

justbeth · #25 05-11-2010, 06:18 PM

Depends on if his caseworker can get a pd to take the case on. If it was already handled before he went in it should be able to get back into court while he is in. It doesn't have to be her to take his daughter to see him either it can be an appointed family member.