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mybrokenheart · #1 06-13-2010, 07:47 PM

My husband had a severe drug addition and was incarcerated for almost 4 years. He came home on May 26th. His whole personality has changed. He is very distant and hateful. He is this way to all the people that love him. He says he had to harden his heart to get through it. Will live every be ok again?

J&D7 · #2 06-13-2010, 08:26 PM

Is he doing any rehab? Or counseling? Maybe he needs help adjusting to the outside world again....

Is he down about work or anything like that?

I dont know, it could really be anything. I hope things get better for you.

mybrokenheart · #3 06-14-2010, 08:37 PM

he is working. he was in a work release program before he got out. all he can say is that he had to block out his feelings to survive. this isnt the way he way talking just a day before he got out. i dont know what to do. he wont tell me that he wants to be with me but he wont tell me he dont. he says he dont know anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J&D7

Is he doing any rehab? Or counseling? Maybe he needs help adjusting to the outside world again....

Is he down about work or anything like that?

I dont know, it could really be anything. I hope things get better for you.

nimuay · #4 06-14-2010, 08:48 PM

If he doesn't hang with anyone who's already been through becoming sober, then he's limping through . . . when you don't have a map it's easy to get lost. Don't forget, he's disoriented, probably almost like a baby who feeling all sorts of things for the first time. He hasn't used his emotions sober for a long, long time and they're not familiar. It's a process, and it takes a while.

It might be wise for you to head off to AlaAnon or NarAnon to get a handle on how to manage yourself. They are all people with an addicted loved one, and they can help you a lot.

mamajmg · #5 06-16-2010, 08:35 PM

For the first time my son was locked up for an eighteen month period - part was county but the remainder in a therapeutic unit. He's been to safp before and came home "himself". As soon as he came home I didn't know him - the irritability you describe instead of the happy, goofy boy I knew - shut off from others - extremely poor communication. Trying to get him to hold a conversation beyond "surface" talk of dinner, etc.was impossible.

I contacted a counselor that I knew was familiar with the therapeutic program and TDC. As I explained the behaviors he told me it was normal - despite their excitement of coming home they come home with the lock up mentality. His words were - you have no idea what these guys go through in here. He assured me that slowly he would evolve and I would start seeing specks of the old person.

It's been six months and there are more signs of his "normal" self. Some days just glimpses - some weeks a few days of "him". It's been a slow process. And although he had a relapse he did pull away from it and did not go backwards. He is still trying to find other ways of coping with the stresses of real life - something different from the controlled/structured environment they've lived in.

The counselor also reminded me that even if they don't talk about it there is always the fear of failure with them - the parole/probation violation possibility - jobs, relationships, bills, relapses, etc.. As they slowly begin overcoming some of their obstacles they are able to slowly shake the lock up mentality.

I hope that I shared this in a way you can relate to. I was scared to death and truly had to learn to turn him over to God.....there was truly nothing I could do to help him.

I will keep ya'll in prayer.

gods mercy · #6 06-16-2010, 08:40 PM

i pray that he softens his heart, i know being in prison is a hard thing, but you would think that he would be happy once he got out, let himhave his space to get used to being out again, and pray for him good luck ok???/

Patrickj · #7 06-17-2010, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybrokenheart

My husband had a severe drug addition and was incarcerated for almost 4 years. He came home on May 26th. His whole personality has changed. He is very distant and hateful. He is this way to all the people that love him. He says he had to harden his heart to get through it. Will live every be ok again?

Talking from experience it takes time to adjust to being out. After serving each of my terms( 3) Every Time I would come home it was pure hell on my family living with me after being locked up. Yes I am an addict also My addiction sent me back to prison. After going in the third time and staying 7 years I finally go tired of being sick and tired of the cycle . It isn't easy to stay clean and sober. I have been clean and sober now going on eight years. Every now and then that little voice in my head still says " OH come on you can just do a little bit" I know me I do that little bit OH yeah I think I can use and maintain I can for a little bit but then th addiction takes over and I am gone. I have worked to hard to change my life to let a couple of hits off a pipe throw my life again . jut stay supportive of him and when you see those warning signs check his ass you know when and if he uses . Yes we all will relapse I have at least twice , but so far I am on my eighth year but I know I am only one hit away from falling off hte wagon

gods mercy · #8 06-17-2010, 07:14 PM

Good for you patrickj, its not easy, but i do pray he will come to terms with such a loving wife by his side..

Addicted_one · #9 06-30-2010, 08:48 AM

My question would be "was he very distant and hateful. He is this way to all the people that love him" before he came home? Or has he change to that since he's been home.

If was was that way before he came home than he is probably adjusting. If he has only begun to be that way since he's been home he is probably on his way to using or using already.

I agree go to Naranon or Alanon and get into the solution for your family. Pray for him and try to encourage him to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings for him.

donnal · #10 09-25-2010, 05:06 PM

I know you posted this awhile back. I just want to commend you on your 8 years sobriety and wish you much peace and joy in your life. Every day is precious and good for you for working so hard.

mybrokenheart · #11 09-25-2010, 06:46 PM

He has relapsed twice since he got out which cost him his job. Now he's clean for 2 wks now and can't find a job. I did get him to go back to the doctor to get back on his medication for his bipolar. It's helped so far. I'm afraid if he doesn't find a job soon though he will go back to using. He doesn't do good with depression.

donnal · #12 09-25-2010, 07:44 PM

My gosh, this is so hard. I hope he continues to stay sober and work through the issues around his needed meds, etc. A member named Firebrand has a great post about looking for employment after being released, perhaps it will be helpful for your guy to read. It's true, looking for a job is a job in itself. Easier said than done if you are in the depressive state of BP, though. Is he attending AA or other support? I will include you all in my prayers. I hope very much he continues on his path of sobriety. I think he can do it. Hopefully he can focus on the desired outcome... a good, happy, and free life... and use that as motivation to keep doing well. One day at a time! Peace to you both.

yourself · #13 09-25-2010, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybrokenheart

He has relapsed twice since he got out which cost him his job. Now he's clean for 2 wks now and can't find a job. I did get him to go back to the doctor to get back on his medication for his bipolar. It's helped so far. I'm afraid if he doesn't find a job soon though he will go back to using. He doesn't do good with depression.

If he's too depressed to search for employment and risk all that rejection, getting on and staying on a schedule of AA meetings with some DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) meetings, and getting involved in anything else, even on a volunteer level, that helps him feel like he's doing something AND keeping a schedule will help a lot.

2 wks is a start. Tomorrow is another day. It's hard to watch, but every slip and every triumph gets him closer to true success - being and becoming the man he's meant to be.

radar · #14 09-26-2010, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybrokenheart

He has relapsed twice since he got out which cost him his job. Now he's clean for 2 wks now and can't find a job. I did get him to go back to the doctor to get back on his medication for his bipolar. It's helped so far. I'm afraid if he doesn't find a job soon though he will go back to using. He doesn't do good with depression.

Well prison isn't helping either is it?

radar · #15 09-26-2010, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybrokenheart

My husband had a severe drug addition and was incarcerated for almost 4 years. He came home on May 26th. His whole personality has changed. He is very distant and hateful. He is this way to all the people that love him. He says he had to harden his heart to get through it. Will live every be ok again?

If he can see the care that people have for him & make him remember he's not in a cell anymore but therapy may also help cause if thats what 4 did to him imagine what 10 will do. He needs alot of people recreation to help come around.

Rosetta · #16 09-26-2010, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mybrokenheart

He has relapsed twice since he got out which cost him his job. Now he's clean for 2 wks now and can't find a job. I did get him to go back to the doctor to get back on his medication for his bipolar. It's helped so far. I'm afraid if he doesn't find a job soon though he will go back to using. He doesn't do good with depression.

May I suggest some on going counseling and weekly support. I believe that peace comes from within. It's not about a job, a person or possesions however I know those things are necessary in life. Don't give up though. "I can do all things in God who strenghens me. I will pray for your man, Rosetta
Please let me know if you have received this message, Thanks

time4change · #17 10-23-2010, 08:51 AM

I hope that you are okay, yet it does not look like you have been on in about a month. I have been where you are and it DOES get better. Send me a PM if you are looking for some resources. There is hope. God has a plan for you and your family!

babydoll7x7 · #18 03-03-2011, 10:25 AM

if he was a chronic addict he could be back on the drugs even after 4 years clean and also cheating does happen when they are locked up for 2 or more years anyway but it's worse on drugs because there will be women who are addicts who trade sex for drugs & that can put you at risk for std's.I've heard many women say,oh my man
would never do that to me who later found out that they did! just be very careful.
My man is a chronic addict on coke & meth & he was great when he first got out & he was born into a family full of addicts,so that behavior you describe may be nornam but he may also be using again.Addicts are clever!!! be aware

MIKAER · #19 03-10-2011, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamajmg

For the first time my son was locked up for an eighteen month period - part was county but the remainder in a therapeutic unit. He's been to safp before and came home "himself". As soon as he came home I didn't know him - the irritability you describe instead of the happy, goofy boy I knew - shut off from others - extremely poor communication. Trying to get him to hold a conversation beyond "surface" talk of dinner, etc.was impossible.

I contacted a counselor that I knew was familiar with the therapeutic program and TDC. As I explained the behaviors he told me it was normal - despite their excitement of coming home they come home with the lock up mentality. His words were - you have no idea what these guys go through in here. He assured me that slowly he would evolve and I would start seeing specks of the old person.

It's been six months and there are more signs of his "normal" self. Some days just glimpses - some weeks a few days of "him". It's been a slow process. And although he had a relapse he did pull away from it and did not go backwards. He is still trying to find other ways of coping with the stresses of real life - something different from the controlled/structured environment they've lived in.

The counselor also reminded me that even if they don't talk about it there is always the fear of failure with them - the parole/probation violation possibility - jobs, relationships, bills, relapses, etc.. As they slowly begin overcoming some of their obstacles they are able to slowly shake the lock up mentality.

I hope that I shared this in a way you can relate to. I was scared to death and truly had to learn to turn him over to God.....there was truly nothing I could do to help him.

I will keep ya'll in prayer.

Awsome post, It takes a lot of patience not to push, to let them manage on their own and not guilt them when they fall.

chili · #20 03-12-2011, 03:48 PM

Having a job obviously didnt help him to stay sober so being unemployed is not the reason for him risking using, its an excuse. If he's serious about staying clean he needs some professional help. Though you obviously love him, I get from your posts that you are panicking and indulging him and that sort of 'helping' often is a breed of enabling. Get him to someone who knows, professionally, how to support him through adjusting to a clean, free life.