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Legend19 · #26 06-17-2010, 05:08 PM

Wow that is a great point!

Lady L

Wobabi · #27 06-17-2010, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thugwife

I am with a man in prison because he was my man BEFORE prison.........

Huhn?
He was 17. And I am sure you were not that independent woman for so long at that point
And being in prison is the situation in which the man is in right NOW-its the BIG elephant in the room that people try to look past,,,

**Onedaycloser13** · #28 06-17-2010, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by akaptrosa

I never holla independent. Can't fix my car and I sure can't move my furniture.

The women I do know that I would classify as the independent type, don't keep a man for long. Yes, one of them married a man in prison (RWI) did the bid (7 years) and kicked him to the curb within months of him coming home. Why? He got on her nerves! Living with an independent woman just isn't possible from what I've seen.

I think independent women fair well with prison relationships, because they get some relationship "perks" without the major drawbacks that come with living with someone. It gives them a sense of control and superiority. Just calling it how *I* see it.

Well I have to respectively disagree on parts and agree with other parts....I can do all you said, so I guess I am truley independent...I did have a successful relationship for years being exactly that, because I was extremely independent but still knew how to make him feel like the man of the house. However, we have had more troubles because communicating doesn't allow me to give him the reigns that I did while he was here. I am extremely stubborn so dominating and not giving over control of conversations etc. was very difficult for me while he has been incarcerated, however we have learned to give fifty fifty when it comes to that also, while still maintaining my independence. It is a fine line, but if one is willing to work and do the give and take thing it can be done! I guess it just depends on how much someone wants to hold on to that notion of independence verses being alone.

Wobabi · #29 06-17-2010, 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2K&33Mi

Hell, I'm not passing up a good ass man nowadays. Being independent actually makes me feel more secure in a relationship. I know if he gets hit by a car and dies, or gets caught with his pants around his ankles at the neighbors, or WHATEVER else causes us to split I'm not sitting around asking myself 'what do I do now.' I did it before him and I'll do it after him.

Its a given that each individual person moves on thier own accord but I am talking about in a relationship. the day to day decisions/movements as a couple

Very true, but does it make a difference in how much you're willing to let somebody else help you, and it what ways you would allow him to?

If duke is in prison, there is a BIG difference in what He can (allowed by the DOC, not us!) help with/control and what he can not.

Sure he isn't there to help you do some things, and whatever you are willing to accept help with should be talked about before hand as well. If my man came up next to me and started helping with the laundry I wouldn't tell him to back up off the clean towels. But if he were to open his wallet while asking how much I pay a month for my insurance or another bill that is mine and mine only (not rent, cable, phone, internet etc etc) I would tell him to put the money away. If he really wanted to help me out than let's go out to dinner instead or something.

Free or not, living together or not, long distance or not, I stay sane by having my independence. I will always keep that. At this point I'm learning to compromise, it's new, it's different, it's kind of sort of nice after I get through the initial questioning whether I want to give up a little bit of my superwoman role. And you know what? I DO! Slowly. That doesn't mean when the time comes I won't fly as high as I did before a man came into the picture.

My thing is when you compromise you LOSE sum independence. Because now you are not able to freely choose you are now looking at different choices changed due to his input. You are now becoming DEpendent.

jeswannabhiswyf · #30 06-17-2010, 05:23 PM

I agree with you. I consider myself independent bacause with the help of the Lord, I provide for myself. I need L in more ways than I can count, but mainly for affection, love, protection, and security. I hate to dream of being without him. I need that man.

Wobabi · #31 06-17-2010, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by akaptrosa

I never holla independent. Can't fix my car and I sure can't move my furniture.

The women I do know that I would classify as the independent type, don't keep a man for long. Yes, one of them married a man in prison (RWI) did the bid (7 years) and kicked him to the curb within months of him coming home. Why? He got on her nerves! Living with an independent woman just isn't possible from what I've seen.

I think independent women fair well with prison relationships, because they get some relationship "perks" without the major drawbacks that come with living with someone. It gives them a sense of control and superiority. Just calling it how *I* see it.

Oooo Aka a very different point of view! And its ringing some bells in my head.
Like the perks would be getting all this love and affection but at the same time not having to answer to him or allow him any say so about what she does.
Another point I think about is that when these men come home they are no longer playing Mr Docile "Im locked up in a cage depending on you as my life line".
Now its "I left CO's back at the prison ranch", and then it pops off from there.LOL!

Jazzione · #32 06-17-2010, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissVal1920

As a recovering "Independent Woman" I can tell you that living and dying by that mantra almost had my ass independent and alone and sad.

I realized that, Yes, although I don't NEED a man, I want one, not just ANY one, but HIM, because he is the compliment to my swag, the hot sauce on my turkey leg...

Sure, I pay my bills, take care of my child, work full time... sure I can screw in my own light bulb and mow the lawn if needed, but hell, why should I? Just to say I can? Even though J is in prison, he knows he is very much needed. Him being in prison is just a circumstance and he is in no way relieved of his duties as being my companion and other half. We love to sharpen our intellectual swords with each other and I learn a LOT from him. Emotionally he gives me what NO other man could even come close to giving me in the past. He empowers me to do what I do for US to help build our future so that WE are (better than) ok when he gets out. Oh yes... these days I am "INTERdependent Woman" hear me roar! MEOW!

I couldnt have said it better myself!

Wobabi · #33 06-17-2010, 05:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KandValways

The only thing I can say is even though I have always been independent, that does not mean I have been so independent I wanted to be by myself. To me my independence and my relationship is two entirely different parts of my life. I have been independent because I have needed to be for my three children and I to survive. Actually my independence was what attracted my man to me in the first place, he liked that I didn't need him(could take him or leave him) and that I am a strong woman..how that became a problem later on I will never know!

You hit another nail!
Men are attracted to strong independent women but when the relationship kicks in, men still want to be needed in the end.
They still want to *see* that they serve a purpose and have a equal position in it all
I mean who does not want to feel like they are irreplaceable.

Wobabi · #34 06-17-2010, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissVal1920

As a recovering "Independent Woman" I can tell you that living and dying by that mantra almost had my ass independent and alone and sad.

I realized that, Yes, although I don't NEED a man, I want one, not just ANY one, but HIM, because he is the compliment to my swag, the hot sauce on my turkey leg...

Sure, I pay my bills, take care of my child, work full time... sure I can screw in my own light bulb and mow the lawn if needed, but hell, why should I? Just to say I can? Even though J is in prison, he knows he is very much needed. Him being in prison is just a circumstance and he is in no way relieved of his duties as being my companion and other half. We love to sharpen our intellectual swords with each other and I learn a LOT from him. Emotionally he gives me what NO other man could even come close to giving me in the past. He empowers me to do what I do for US to help build our future so that WE are (better than) ok when he gets out. Oh yes... these days I am "INTERdependent Woman" hear me roar! MEOW!

Hahaha lol love it!!!! Keep it real why dontcha!

**Onedaycloser13** · #35 06-17-2010, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wobabi

You hit another nail!
Men are attracted to strong independent women but when the relationship kicks in, men still want to be needed in the end.
They still want to *see* that they serve a purpose and have a equal position in it all
I mean who does not want to feel like they are irreplaceable.

yEAh, I learned the art of that very well over the years! I do agree that if they do not feel like they have a purpose then the relationship will not last!! Independence is great, but an independent woman must know when to turn it on and off when dealing with her man!

WaitingOnEddie · #36 06-17-2010, 05:47 PM

I guess it really depends on your definition of independent.

Hubby says one of the things he loves about me is that I AM independent. That I'm not always shoved up his butt...I'm not always waiting around for him to do something just because he's the MAN (well, prior to prison...he can't take the trash out now LOL!)....that I can take care of my own ish and that I make my own way instead of waiting for someone to clear a path for me.

Everyone keeps saying they don't need a man....they want one...well, I'll be the first to admit...I NEED one....cuz, uhhhh, well...*clears throat*...we all have NEEDS.

Snowbaby62 · #37 06-17-2010, 06:01 PM

Good Thread
I'm a late-in-life independent woman, didn't really find my independence until my early 40's. I watched my dear Mama stay in a loveless marriage for years with my dad, yes my real bio dad, watched her emotionally and spiritually die every day. She was a stay at home Mom and never held a job, she was totally financially dependent on my dad and is why she never left.
I promised my self I never would be in a situation like that, life is too short. So I went to school until I became able to provide for me and my children. I still need a man around to change light bulbs, to get that bowl down from the top shelf cuz I'm short, I need ppl love around me and will have no problem letting my man know I need him in my life, he knows it now and it will see it then.

Hisoneandonly · #38 06-17-2010, 06:07 PM

I don't think I need need him, for bills and stuff like that, since I'm doing it all but I do need him for the emotional support he gives me and the inner peace I get with him, when he tells me that it is okay if I don't do it all, I don't have to do it all. Does that make sense.

Especially before we got back together, I was all about doing it on my own and not needing no one espeically a man, and in all honesty it wasn't always easy and led alot of people to think 1. I'm gay lol 2. I'm a bitch or both lol.

It was a huge fear of mine letitng myself need someone. And its a huge ego boost to him that he is the one I need just to help carry the load, not that I can't do it on my own, but I don't want to do it on my own forever.

He thinks my independance is hot lol.

Rox73 · #39 06-17-2010, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by akaptrosa

I never holla independent. Can't fix my car and I sure can't move my furniture.

The women I do know that I would classify as the independent type, don't keep a man for long. Yes, one of them married a man in prison (RWI) did the bid (7 years) and kicked him to the curb within months of him coming home. Why? He got on her nerves! Living with an independent woman just isn't possible from what I've seen.

I think independent women fair well with prison relationships, because they get some relationship "perks" without the major drawbacks that come with living with someone. It gives them a sense of control and superiority. Just calling it how *I* see it.

I think there's a big difference between being an independent person and such a control freak that you can't work at a good relationship with the person you claim to love. It seems like people mix up the two - maybe because those traits appear to be somewhat similar.

KevsWife7 · #40 06-17-2010, 06:40 PM

Personally, I AM independent. I CAN do it all myself, and I don't NEED a man. But I love my man, I LOVE my life with him, OUR life together. Yeah, I keep the yardwork up, work, go to school, have 6 dogs, 2 horses, train agility with the dogs, clean the house. I can do it all, but I'm not happy. He makes me happy, and that's why I stick with it. My mom always raised me to love, but also never to be dependent on a man. My parents insisted that I go out, go to school, and have work skills so I can provide for myself if I need to...and here I am: I need to!
But I'd much rather him cut the grass, take the trash out, help me with the dogs. And when he was home, I never even minded cleaning the house, it was fun, because we would turn the music up, and have fun with it! He just makes me happy, and I'll wait forever for that happiness again =)

secondtimer · #41 06-17-2010, 06:43 PM

I am and have always been an independent woman. I can paint my house, lay tile, unclog my drains and i can tell my husband what is wrong with the car anything electrical he takes care of. I don't mind doing these things because when he is home he is right besides me, most of the time he does more because lets face it they are programmed to be our heroes and we are programmed to allow them to be our heroes. Except for the car thing my husband is clueless and will be the first to admit it, LOL.
And it is not just any man in prison, it is my man who happens to be in prison is the only one I want. Do i need him, no and my husband knows that and is comfortable with my independence to the point were he brags about it. now having my independence and allowing my husband to be the head of this household is two different things. And holding it down while he can't is all about survival.
And I am not saying this to turn it into anything racial but black women have had to hold it down, and be independent way back to slavery time when their husband's and fathers were taken from them. So to me prison is a road block that I just have to get around.

esteli · #42 06-17-2010, 07:00 PM

I think when a man in prison tells you how he loves your independence it only means "oh good, I don't have to worry about you running off with some guy because you need to be taken care of." He at least can trust you will take care of yourself and him while he is incarcerated. At least that is my interpretation of that statement. We have to look deeper and find out whether he really wants an independent woman.

I find that I am fiercely independent and my exhusband whom I lived with for 15 years was perfect in that sense because I did what I wanted without being questioned. Now that doesn't mean there was disrespect for each other while we were married.

Now with my first MWI, he was the sweetest guy ever but when we spoke of the future, his statements were "I can imagine myself staying home, taking care of the kids and the house while you go to work."

OMG I was not prepared to hear that one.

With my man NOW...I already know this independent thing is going to present problems. I see it and hear it in his statements. He is very strong and dominant and I hear the things he says and I know when he is out that he will try to change my independent lifestyle. I haven't thought of it pass that.

NC_girl · #43 06-17-2010, 07:07 PM

I consider myself an independent woman. I think the best way to answer your question is to define what "independent" means to me.

I consider independent to mean that a woman has a successful career so she can support herself and any kids that she may have now or in the future, and she is comfortable with herself physically and mentally.

I think "dependent" women are vulnerable to abuse because they cannot support themselves financially or emotionally. We all know what it means to be unable to support yourself financially; being unable to support yourself emotionally means that you feel you need a man in order to be validated. Some women feel that every woman needs a man to basically lead them through life.

I think a lot of women use the term independent in a sort-of hostile way, like they are saying men ain't sh!t. I don't think these women are mentally independent because they seem to need the opportunity to prove themselves by shouting "independent woman" in comparison to men. Basically they still need the presence of men in order to prove their independence, because they can only prove it by showing that they "don't need a man". It's like a paradox.

I am independent because I can live a comfortable life financially on my own income, and because I don't need to have that male presence around to make me feel like I am worth something. I can be happy as a single person.

That is not to say that I don't feel more complete with a man, but that comes from the certain man, know what I'm saying? Some women have a need to have "a man", not necessarily one in particular. I love my man because he brings out the best in me. If we split up I will be very sad, but I will get over it and be happy as a single person until I find another relationship that makes me happy.

As far as why I'm in a prison relationship, well I have loved this dude on the friendship/FWB level for over 10 years. We didn't settle when we were young & in college, and we have seen each other through different stages in life and are just growing closer.

nypurple · #44 06-17-2010, 07:58 PM

Because when I was a silly, stupid young woman (20) I answered a pen pal ad in a magazine, more out of curiosity than wanting a relationship.

The independence and self sufficiency came later........but there was always something missing.

35 years later and no regrets, I have it all.

iloveyoumore · #45 06-17-2010, 08:09 PM

I am not so terribly independent. I am learning to be and he is helping me get there. I need him and he needs me to need him. I haven't made it through all the responses but If some women are so independent that may be why they are with men in prison...because they aren't here and they can be as independent as they want. I dunno but for me...I am a big weenie and as much as I wanted to learn how to do life on my own, I hate it sometimes. I don't like being told what to do but I love it when he supports me in making the best decisions for our family...

thugwife · #46 06-17-2010, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wobabi

Huhn?
He was 17. And I am sure you were not that independent woman for so long at that point
And being in prison is the situation in which the man is in right NOW-its the BIG elephant in the room that people try to look past,,,

He was 17, I wasnt.

I was 21, and had my own apartment, car and all that. I wasnt super independent at the time, but I had my own crap.

sasha m · #47 06-17-2010, 08:39 PM

I am a independent woman yes I can live with or without a man. However No one truly wants to be single. (so yes I will hold my babe down) however no woman or man can love another person unless they first love themselves and to most independent woman like myself means I can take care of me if you decide to leave. I have seen many women fall apart loose everything because they were not independent enough to take care of themselves in that time they learned how to love themselves enough to make sure that no matter what they can take care of their star player. With my babe being where he is now I could have easily fell I could have lost my house. But I am intuned with my independent star player regardless of what goes on. My momma always told me to never let your right hand know every little thing your left is doing. However ladies I always let my man be the man.

ohsweetmaryjane · #48 06-17-2010, 09:33 PM

Speaking for myself....

I consider myself very independent, I live alone, I pay my own bills, I go to work everyday....I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!! And I love that!

That said, I am with my man because I am in love with him!! We did not meet while he was incarcerated so when I "chose" him, I had no idea that he was going to go to jail! He was sober when we got together and I had fantasies of a life in which he worked and was productive, didn't get high, didn't go to jail, that kinda thing.

So for me, it wasn't a matter of why a guy in prison, it was a matter of whether or not I was going to BE WITH HIM while he was locked up or not....and obviously I chose the relationship regardless of the circumstances.

Stephen's girl · #49 06-18-2010, 08:49 AM

I also have to agree with what a lot of other people have said...

I truely believe when you stop "looking" is when true love finds you... I was done and had completely washed my hands of dating... I was ready to be the crazy dog lady and then he came back into my life and turned it all upside down in such a good way. In taking that hiatus with dating I had an opportunity to learn a lot more about myself, what I like what I don't like, instead of compromsing all the time and doing what someone else always wanted to do (which is what I did in the past) I learned so much about myself, for instance what I don't want to compromise on, what I will and will not put up with. I came to realize that I was okay with being alone so that made me feel a little better with the idea of dating. If you don't cut the mustard I'm not going to stay with you because I don't want to be alone, I'll end it and move on. When Stephen came back into my life, there wasn't one thing about him that didn't match my list but more importantly... I didn't care so much about the "list" anymore. With him I'm willing to compromise on a lot of things but will still speak up on things that are important to me and he respects me for that just like I respect him for that.

Wobabi · #50 06-18-2010, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NC_girl

I consider myself an independent woman. I think the best way to answer your question is to define what "independent" means to me.

I consider independent to mean that a woman has a successful career so she can support herself and any kids that she may have now or in the future, and she is comfortable with herself physically and mentally.

I think "dependent" women are vulnerable to abuse because they cannot support themselves financially or emotionally. .

NC I gotta disagree with the bold. I am very dependent when it comes to being in a relationship and trust and believe I am supporting myself. On the other hand I know plenty of independent women who work but are living pay check to paycheck.