I'm new - She's relapsed on Crack and gone again

[RhondasAngel]

Here I sit at home again to clean up the mess she's left me with. I turned my life around, met her in recovery and I've now been clean 2 years and stayed so while watching her relpase over and over again. Each time swearing this time and that time I was done.

This time she stole a car (her mothers), robbed her job, and took off w./ our rent money landing her in jail for her one night of Crack smoking. I have such mixed feelings of standign by her side or lettign her go. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for standing by her, but I love her. She's the only female I've ever been with and the only time I've ever TRULY been in love. She's an amazing "Mother figure" to my son and treats me amanzginly well... when she's clean and sober. Crack makes her a crudy horrible person and I'm scared she'll enver get it right.

Each time she swears it was the last . ... she's begging me to get her out of jail but her bail is 45k and court is July 6th less then 20 days away. She's been locked up since June 1st and although I miss her I feel like she needs to do her time and realize it's not okay to keep relapsing.

Not srue why I'm spilling my guys... just more of an intro I suppose. I hate drugs... it's ruining my life even though I'm clean.

[gods mercy]

i totaly agree with you she neds to be where she cant get high, i know about that drug, been thee done it, i hear the love you have for her, dont get her out as she will only go use again, keep her in there for her own good, as time goes by pray she will have a change of heart she has now hit rock bottom and the only way for her is to pick herself up and realize what is going on. the longer she gets the better for her, im sorry if that seems harsh, but to soon for her will only tempt her to going back to the drug..just be there for her for now, tell her how much you love her, and you will be by her side while she is in jail,prison. she will come to terms of what has happened in her life, the guilt, the pride, im saying a prayer for her right now, for her to resist the temptation, but its up to her to see what that drug does to her as well as others. good luck and god bless!!!!

[secondtimer]

You know as well as anyone else she has got to want it for herself. I am going to say let her sit there because I made the mistake of getting my husband out his bail was not much that is the only reason why I really did it and I wish i had let him sit there, He came out and did the same thing three weeks later within a month he was back in on a new charge. Bailing him out was new for me four years ago I let him sit there. I know the affects drugs can have on us, and yes we love them but this time i decided to join al anon and I started doing things for me and not allowing what he does affect my life. This time I decided i will stick by him while he does his bid and see what he decides to do when he gets out, he has two choices sober and clean and he keeps his family or he can get high and lose his family. I will no long enable him and I will not live as a co dependent. So make a decision for you. You deserve to live a happy life. best wishes to you.

[mamajmg]

Sometimes in order to truly have the side of our addict that we love - we have to let them go to walk their own way.

As you are a recovering addict I would suspect you already know you shouldn't bail her out. The remorse they feel seems to last until their feet hit "free" ground. I am one of sooooooo many who have held onto the jailhouse promises in hopes that this time would be different - and although there was a glimmer of change here and there - it's a long difficult journey.

The same person that is behind bars begging for that bail money is the same person a very short time ago who did anything for that high. Is there anything which has changed during this time that makes you feel risking that bail money is worth it?

I think there is a very fine line between being supportive and loving and being an enabler. If I can offer any advice it would be to follow your gut - not your heart! You referred to having a child - I encourage you to keep your focus on the kind of life you want your child surrounded in. Make that your priority and make your decisions from there!

Please continue to be supportive but not to the point of sabotaging your own sobriety! Two years is awesome !!

I'll include you in prayer!

[Lordbew/us]

A BIG AMEN TO MOMJMG.
I know how heart wrenching this can be, our youngest son (21) is a druggy. It's killing our family. I can literally feel my heart and gut aching. What MOMJMG said about their drug use is so true. I SO WANT IT NOT TO BE TRUE.

I know how hard this is for you, but you have a child that must come first. Your first obligation is to your child and what is in his best interest? I may feel differently if this was the natural mother of your child.

At the least you may want to consider putting your relationship on hold, when it comes to her living in your home and being a big part of your son's life. I don't know....this is all so complicated when you love someone. A double edge sword is how I feel. I wish you the best.

[LionessLove]

stick by her, Love conquers ALL...
God bless.

[crazy2010]

I totally do understand been there! But bailing someone out does not help them. I tried for years to get off that rollercoaster you can't help a crack addict! They will lie steal cheat beg don't give in to your emotions. Recovery is possible and the first step is being accountable for your actions! You can't be accountable if your asking to be bailed out!! Hey I realize jail sucks and no one really wants to see someone they love there. Hang tough onto your own sobriety!

[Maya2007]

Been there but have not bailed him out. I let him sit there for a few days.... And now he has a court date for that time he was arrested and he has to figure out how to get there because I have decided to no longer help him... I love him and I cannot have him in my life because he still continues to do the same thing he has been doing eventhough he tells me he has been clean which I feel in my heart is a big fat lie. I have a child and need to think about him, he's already been exposed to alot of stuff he has done.

I know you love her, please think about your child. I would let her sit there a few days and stew on what she has done....

So what's the update?

[downup28311]

you will have to set some boundaries and stick to them. dealing with an addicted person is probably the most difficult thing in the world to do. think about your child when your setting the boundaries and how it may/can affect/effect him/her. maybe that will make you stronger and able to stick with your boundaries