What do you say to the little ones??

[The Mother]

My son is very close to his little sister and she is definitely suffering due to all this (he's presently incarcerated). I'm a single mom and usually pretty good at shielding my kids without lying to them. A tricky balance. And sometimes you have to lie to them; I understand that and don't pass judgment. We're all doing our best. I am at a loss as to what to tell her, she visits so she knows he's in prison, but no more. She a proficient reader and has a big vocabulary, which would normally be a blessing in a 7yo, but in this situation makes it harder, she can access information beyond her years. Just not sure what information to give and I know she needs some answers. Of course everyone's situation is a bit different, but I'm curious if anyone else has some input on how they've handled this. My copy of the 'mom handbook' didn't have a chapter for this part. I'm at a loss. Thanks.

[Travsmon]

The Mother, I can certainly sympathize with your dilemma. My son is in for the 2nd time in 3 years. My grandson just turned 8...when Travis was in the first time we really didn't say much except he was in another town (which was true). He has never really been in Bryce's life consistently so it wasn't that much of a deal. When he got out I convinced Bryce's mom to give Travis a chance and she did. They did baseball together, played video games and talked on the phone every day. When he got arrested the 2nd time, Kim put her foot down and said she wasn't going to let Bryce have anything to do with him anymore. That was her worst fear..that they would have a relationship and Travis would screw up and be out of his life again...She was right. Anyway....I think Bryce knows something...he never asks about his dad anymore and there no doubt he hears his mom talking. He's very very smart, so I guess I'm not much help. But I would love to hear what everyone has to say.

[TerryLee]

My youngest daughter is taking care of my oldest daughters 4 boys ages 11,8,7,4 when she comes out they will be 18,15,14,11...we tell them the truth and the littlest one just tells anyone that his mom is in jail...the oldest ones they know and we talk about it all the time, no matter what she is and always will be their mom. We know what she wants from them and we respect that, she wants them to go to church so we take them, she wants the oldest one to get into his advance classes so we are making sure he gets in to the "gate classes" we make sure we do what she would do if she was here.
As far as each person each family is differant, this works for us. It may not be for everyone else.
I share my daughters situation with people mostly as a way of using it to keep them from doing it. I know God will use me through this and he will use all the members of my family even the littlest one.

[CCmom]

Dear Mother,

It is worst when you don't talk to her because her little mind will conjure up the worst scenarios. I my experience in working with children is that they feel so much better when the parents talk to them and explain what is going on according to their age and level of understanding. First, please do not hide from her that you fell sad too. She will see that you feel like she does but you will be a role model for how to deal with those feeling appropriately: it is ok to be sad, to cry because at the same time you are teaching her to look at what is positive as well: what he is learning in prison (I said the positive things, right? like, more time to read, trade courses, religious meetings, etc.) Your daughter will learn from you how to cope with adversity. Let her know that her brother is not a bad person, but that good people sometimes do bad/wrong things. If you have specific questions you can PM me.

There is an easy to understand booklet by the Oregon DOC on

http://www.oregon.gov/DOC/PUBAFF/doc...oklet.pdf?ga=t

that is intended to help a parent talk to a child about the parent and prison.

If you stay quiet I promise you that she will be thinking that things are a lot worse than they actually are. She will feel relieved when you talk to her. You can do activities together like adding her drawings to your letters to your son; she can draw around photos you send, she can write a little poem about her feelings, or make a drawing about her feelings. Ask her to draw her world and then ask her to talk about it. You just have to listen. If she asks you to comment on her drawing just say: "You drew it just the way you wanted." Any thing you do with her that is expressive will help her. Pray with her at night and remember your son, etc.

Let me know what you think about the online booklet.

A warm hug,
L.

Originally Posted by The Mother

My son is very close to his little sister and she is definitely suffering due to all this (he's presently incarcerated). I'm a single mom and usually pretty good at shielding my kids without lying to them. A tricky balance. And sometimes you have to lie to them; I understand that and don't pass judgment. We're all doing our best. I am at a loss as to what to tell her, she visits so she knows he's in prison, but no more. She a proficient reader and has a big vocabulary, which would normally be a blessing in a 7yo, but in this situation makes it harder, she can access information beyond her years. Just not sure what information to give and I know she needs some answers. Of course everyone's situation is a bit different, but I'm curious if anyone else has some input on how they've handled this. My copy of the 'mom handbook' didn't have a chapter for this part. I'm at a loss. Thanks.

[sleepless in Tu]

7 years olds can really observe and draw conclusions.Many times they are right on target.I would explain what is going on however so everything is clear.Family secrets can be very destructive.By the time I was 8 my parents couldn't placate me with half truths or by pretending the situation was not happening.I heard,saw and understood everthing.My father insisted I still believe in Santa claus or there would be no Christmas.I told him that just proved he wasn't real, my thoughts could not control a man and his reindeer!I know my Dad wanted to continue the Santa claus thing because it was fun for him.Honestly he would have continued the schrade until I had children of my own.

[mandymoo]

Hi, The Mother, glad you're here! We have 8 yr old grandtwins. They know their Uncle is in jail, they know it's because of drugs. They talk to him on the phone and they write back and forth. They tell who they want, don't tell who they don't want to. I teach PreK in Az. A few years back before I knew my own son would land in prison, one of my students shared that his dad was in prison. He said they visited him monthly, and that his dad was going to "do right for the rest of his life!". He was very proud of his dad and I asked mom to ask dad if it would be ok to include him in our class to the same extent we did the other dads(as far as was possible). Dad said "sure". We had family photos up, and there was Ricci and his family on food day with dad, all smiling and dad on orange, waving. For career day, dad couldn't come, but he wrote a letter about what he would like to be someday. I mailed gifts to him that Ricci made when the other kids made gifts for their dads(with prison approved craft supplies, haha). The kids and other parents were all accepting, and this was a pretty upscale place. Truth is good, of course though, not more than they can handle.

[CCmom]

What a wonderful message, Mandymoo!

Originally Posted by mandymoo

Hi, The Mother, glad you're here! We have 8 yr old grandtwins. They know their Uncle is in jail, they know it's because of drugs. They talk to him on the phone and they write back and forth. They tell who they want, don't tell who they don't want to. I teach PreK in Az. A few years back before I knew my own son would land in prison, one of my students shared that his dad was in prison. He said they visited him monthly, and that his dad was going to "do right for the rest of his life!". He was very proud of his dad and I asked mom to ask dad if it would be ok to include him in our class to the same extent we did the other dads(as far as was possible). Dad said "sure". We had family photos up, and there was Ricci and his family on food day with dad, all smiling and dad on orange, waving. For career day, dad couldn't come, but he wrote a letter about what he would like to be someday. I mailed gifts to him that Ricci made when the other kids made gifts for their dads(with prison approved craft supplies, haha). The kids and other parents were all accepting, and this was a pretty upscale place. Truth is good, of course though, not more than they can handle.

[momalways]

Originally Posted by The Mother

My copy of the 'mom handbook' didn't have a chapter for this part.

My copy came with this chapter torn out! Can you believe that!

This actually became one of the toughest parts of my son going to juvie last year. Well, back to juvie, the first two times were short and my younger son was pretty accepting of what was going on. This last time was different because his brother was detained and we didn't know when he would be home, he was away for a few months and the whole thing was hard on my little boy. My boys were 16 and 6 during this. I actually asked this very same question last year, so I'm going to post the address of that thread and hope that it works....

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=442879

Once we were able to tell my son exactly when his brother would come home, and once he'd been able to see and hug his brother my little guy got a lot more settled about everything. We told him the basic details of everything, how he'd broken the law/rules, he was getting punished for that. We told him basically what he'd done without getting into the more complicated drama surrounding it. My son had an assault case so it was something that we were able to explain to my younger son in his 6yr old understanding of not hitting people. We encouraged him to send his brother letters and drawings, and they weren't always happy letters either, I think that helped him with his emotions.

I guess that you just need to make a judgement on how much information you think your child is able to understand and how their emotions might be about that.....we didn't tell our younger son much of what went on inside juvie, we didn't share those details. There were a few things that happened that we just decided he did not need to know anything about, even when it meant him not being able to visit his brother when he thought he would.

I hope these two threads help, it was very tough trying to figure out how to deal with our younger son and his questions...

[Niki]

I have found that it is best to tell children the truth, even if it hurts a little. When my kids were 6,9 and 11 their father became a drug addict. He'd be fairly normal for a couple of days and then he'd disappear for a day or two. Over time there were more bad days than good. When it first started I was honest with the older two because I felt they could understand but we tried to shelter the youngest. Before long I realized that he was alot smarter than we thought. He started acting out in school and ended up in the principal's office one day. She called me at work to discuss his behavior and I confided in her about the kid's father. She sent my son home with the instruction to have a talk with Mom tonight about what's bothering you. After he left her office she called me back again and said my son had told her that he thought something was really wrong with his father, like cancer or heart problems. My husband had been having medical problems for a couple of years already (which is how he got started with his addiction) and naturally my son thought the worst had happened. My son and I had a good talk that night about what was really going on with Dad. I was surprised at how much he already knew about drugs being he was only in 1st grade but I was forgetting that we have a drug education program here in the elementary schools.

Now that same son is in prison for (you guessed it) drugs. He isn't an addict (thankfully) unless you consider excessive use of pot an addiction. He had promised me when he was 6 that he'd never do what Daddy did. And so far he's kept that promise. His nieces and nephews ranging from 18 months to 14 years have visited him in prison and they all understand, to the extent that they can for their age, what a prison is and why their uncle is there. The 18 month old obviously doesn't know what prison is but when we go thru the metal detector she covers her ears because she's heard it go off before and when we go into the room to be searched she'll stand there with her arms out to the side just like they make us adults do. No one has ever searched her like that but she does know the routine. The 3 year old can only tell you that Uncle was a bad boy and has to stay in time out for a long time but he'll be 6 1/2 by the time his uncle gets out and I bet he'll know all the details by then, just like his uncle did years ago. All the others know exactly why their uncle is there and we use it as a teaching point with them whenever possible. I 'm hoping that the experience will come to mind as they get older when they are tempted to experiment with drugs (and we all know the temptation will be there).

Raising my kids and now my grandkids I find that with any topic if I start out basic and get more detailed as we go along they will let me know when we have reached their level of understanding by their actions and their expressions. I am continually amazed at how much more kids know today at a young age than I did. I wasn't even thinking about boys or drugs when I was 7 or 8 but today's kids already know quite alot. Some of it is misinformation from their friends but alot of it is quite accurate. It's kinda scary in a way but I'm glad they feel comfortable enough to ask a trusted adult to verify. My mother gave me the "birds and the bees" lecture the day of my first wedding when I had lived with my boyfriend for almost 2 years already. I wouldn't even think of using the birds and bees analogy with my grandkids- they'd be laughing at me!

[Tracy147]

I told my daughter to be proud of her brother, that he is getting the help he needed. I told her that her brother did wrong and now he has to be punished by the judge, and the judge is helping to be a better person.
She wrote an essay in the "DARE" program at her school about her brother, and told them that she loved him so much, but was glad he was getting help. It was like a 3 page essay, she was asked to read it at the parent nite, and won an award.
We never held our head in shame....we walked proud. Take care, Tracy

[jancy]

my grandson was small when his dad went to jail..he saw him come out and go back a few times...and then on to state prison.
My grandson always knew the truth. I insisted he know because I knew other kids would say stuff to him anyways. He was always taken to see his dad, even behind glass. He drew him pictures and talked on the phone with him. He knew his dad made a mistake and that he would be out one day.
It was a fact of life for him and I needed him to know exactly what to expect. Now that he is 6 he never mentions it anymore and he and his dad go on as if it never happened.

[The Mother]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses, they are very helpful. It's nice to hear what it looks like for people 'down the road' and it also helped me clarify part of why it was so difficult for me to come up with the right words/explanation. We still have a lot of unknowns in our situation (an appeal for example), there simply aren't answers yet for some parts. And my own long held opposition to the idea of caging human beings as a solution to any problem clearly gets in my way when coming up with answers for my little one. I had just sent my son a sermon of Dr. King's so telling my daughter that jail/prison is a place you go when you do something wrong doesn't fit what I've taught her (or my son) up until now. It's just so complicated. I have been adamant that "Brother" is still very much part of our family. She visits, writes, talks on the phone and we speak of him daily. She has seen me 'sad' and I have told her "sometimes I just miss him". Letting her know that it's ok. She's naturally very stoic and not very forthcoming with her emotions, she's more inclined to make elaborate plans which would result in having him home. (She wants to talk to who's in charge, she has a very 'strong' personality) I've offered up people other than myself, that we are close to, that she can speak to as well. Oddly this has brought the three of us closer and we were pretty close to begin with, one positive that's come out of all this. It's nice to get some perspective from all of you here. It has helped to guide me in understanding what is and what is not in my hands and why I have had so much difficulty figuring this out. Thank you. I am so grateful for the support of PTO.