Today I am just numb and in denial

[chrstnfriend]

Thank you Dutchgirl1,
My son was just sentenced on Monday, I do not know how I will get through this. I feel guilty just thinking about me at all and how I feel...after all he is the one locked up. How dare I think of my feelings right. My feeling change every day, every hour. I get little bits of strength and say to myself I have to get it together for him if not for myself. But, the next minute I just sit and stare at some stupid show on tv (all day) in total denial of what happened in that court room, and that he is not coming home for a long time. I just can't except this. So I am in a constant state of numbness.

[Momma Ann]

and that is normal and healthy. I am going to PM you some infomation-but you MUST take care of you. That is job one. We have all been here after sentencing-make yourself do one thing for you each day--time passes, you develop a routine. You find strength you did not know you had. In all this, you are of more help to your son.

[texasanna]

Many of us have been there, and are here for you. Just know that we are all here to support you.

[tinman228]

My son has been in for 3 1/2 years and I still go though it everyday. I get mad at him one minute and then miss him the next. I have to just take one day at a time and I know I will get through it. Like they say take care of yourself because he will need you when he comes home.

[meg'smom]

I think the day of and the day after sentencing are the hardest sometimes. I remember when Meg was given her sentence. I dont think i said much of anything resembling english language for at least two days. I sat and stared at the TV and could not tell what i was even watching as we all go through this.
I wish there was a migc way to stop this feeling but there is nt. Momma Ann is right though, you have to take care of you right now. there is nothing you can do for your son at the moment and he will need youlater. you have to do small things for you and find the strength you have to keep going on.
My daughter has been in two years now nd i still have the guilty feeligns from time to time and dont want to do things becuase i know she cant but i do them anyway and puch myself to get up everyday and find something to do even if all i accomplish for the day is making coffee. It will get better... never perfect or wonderful but better.
you can always come here and there is always someone who is willing to listen or talk and you can vent or do what you need. you are not alone in this.

[chrstnfriend]

Thank You everyone for your support.

[janesmith]

Originally Posted by chrstnfriend

Thank you Dutchgirl1,
My son was just sentenced on Monday, I do not know how I will get through this. I feel guilty just thinking about me at all and how I feel...after all he is the one locked up. How dare I think of my feelings right. My feeling change every day, every hour. I get little bits of strength and say to myself I have to get it together for him if not for myself. But, the next minute I just sit and stare at some stupid show on tv (all day) in total denial of what happened in that court room, and that he is not coming home for a long time. I just can't except this. So I am in a constant state of numbness.

Hang on chrstnfriend. Take lots of walks if you can.

[chrstnfriend]

It really does help to know I am not going crazy (at least I hope not)...and that I am not alone.
Thank You

Originally Posted by meg'smom

I think the day of and the day after sentencing are the hardest sometimes. I remember when Meg was given her sentence. I dont think i said much of anything resembling english language for at least two days. I sat and stared at the TV and could not tell what i was even watching as we all go through this.
I wish there was a migc way to stop this feeling but there is nt. Momma Ann is right though, you have to take care of you right now. there is nothing you can do for your son at the moment and he will need youlater. you have to do small things for you and find the strength you have to keep going on.
My daughter has been in two years now nd i still have the guilty feeligns from time to time and dont want to do things becuase i know she cant but i do them anyway and puch myself to get up everyday and find something to do even if all i accomplish for the day is making coffee. It will get better... never perfect or wonderful but better.
you can always come here and there is always someone who is willing to listen or talk and you can vent or do what you need. you are not alone in this.

[Lunchlady]

Oh no...you are NOT alone. So many of us are going thru the same things you are. Know that we are here to listen and help and PLEASE keep your chin up. I have posted this beofre...my sis told me CHIN UP and there have been many times wher eI literally put my hand to my chin and push it up and think CHIN UP CHIN UP CHIN UP. My son has been in for a couple years and my moods change from minute to minute...sometimes I just shake my head and wonder....WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME. Then I come to this site and read psots form so many other hurting parents. We greive for the innocent kids we once had and the futures we know they will never have. As my son's counselor once said....It's not the END of yor life, it's just a DIFFERENT life. Hope your days get better....hugs to you!
Cottie

[MotherJ]

It's going on 4 years since my 18 year old son was sentenced to serve 43 years in prison. I remember how utterly helpless and hopeless I felt during that time. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. My dreams for my son had been wiped out, were gone. For the rest of my life he will be behind bars. I thought I couldn't live with this. But God is a kind and loving God. I should've known he wouldn't let me go on suffering at that level of pain forever.

You are very normal in your reaction to this terrible event in you and your sons life. Your feelings of guilt over thinking of yourself will change as you come to know how important you and your well being are for your son. My son worries about his mom and when I'm okay, he does much better. The laughs we share are important for both of us. The length of my sons sentence and where I'll be when he's released are still something I can't wrap my mind around. It's just too painful for me to think about even 3 1/2 years later. My mind has learned to just not to go there. It will get better for you. Does the pain ever go away? Is all right in your world? No, not for me. My life till the day I die will be colored by the pain of my son being incarcerated, his son never really knowing his dad, family events always missing the presence of one of us, but it does get better. You will be okay and find a new normal for your life. We parents with children in prison are here for you and will support and understand you. Hugs & prayers for you and your son. Joyce

[meg'smom]

Originally Posted by chrstnfriend

It really does help to know I am not going crazy (at least I hope not)...and that I am not alone.
Thank You

Hah, you are not any more crazy than the rest of us! Umm maybe not a good thing LOL However no you are not crazy. these feelings are normal andthey will come and go for a long time. all you can do is concentrate on you for now and your son will be ok.
When Megan first went to prison I was terrified and i still am sometimes but i am also amazed at how quickly she learned and survived there. Now two years later she just turned 21 yesterday and she is a beautiful young woman. Meg was given 28 to life and there are times i think both her and i are overwhemled with the length of ehr sentence and the knowledge that the possiblty of her ever coming home are slim but in the last years I have learned how to find other ways to be useful ( at least i think i am) and try not to think so much much about the long term as no one can predict the future.
Encourage your son to get invovled in programs that are offered and any education he can get into. Even though he may be there for a while he will need it when he does come home. the best way to help him and you right now is to push him to better himself with whatever is offered there. then you go find a cup of coffee or whatever you like and long walk or hot bubble bath and relax.
you are not crazy.... you are greiving and it is normal and will get better.

[Niki]

No, you are definitely not crazy Chrstnfriend. You are a very normal loving mother who just sat through one of the most difficult things a mother could ever go through in life. The emotions you are feeling are all a part of the grieving process and, in time, you will feel better. As a Christian, the best thing for you to do now is "let go and let God'. Turn your son over to God and trust that He will protect him as he goes on this difficult journey through the prison system.

As for you, it is important that you take some time to take care of yourself. Allow yourself to feel the grief but do a little something each day for yourself. Take a walk, take a bubble bath, watch a favorite movie, whatever gives you peace. Once your son is situated in his new "home" you will be able to visit him and get that all important first hug from him. From then on you will be able to better handle your new normal. There will still be some bad days but that's why we are all here. We help each other through those bad days and celebrate whenever someone has a good one. You are not alone on this journey. I pray that God guides you to find some peace of mind so that you can pull yourself together to be there for your son. And while He is doing that we will all be here for you...Niki

[TerryLee]

Chrstnfriend...
You have found the right place to be right now and each day as much as you possibly can...we are here for you and we have all been there or will be there and we are here to help each other. Do take care of yourself and do something for yourself today...sit outside and look at the flowers or the sky and sometimes the best thing to do is just cry!!let it out its ok...My daughter will be sentanced in the next few months and this is the worse just not knowing...I know the day she gets sentanced I will need to find a padded room...but I will be ok...I need to be for her and the family...it's not easy but God will see you through. Keep coming back we are here for you
In Gods Grace
TLC

[tee1964]

The end of October since he was first incarcerated ... trial and sentencing was in 08...what a mess... we thought he'd be home this October and now they just drag their feet to get him through whatever programs he needs and transferred him which is harder yet to get used to new people and all... It makes me sick to my stomach and to know you have work, etc.. and put the fake face on when you hit the office doors.. GRRRRR... I could probably win the susan lucci award.

Originally Posted by chrstnfriend

Thank you Dutchgirl1,
My son was just sentenced on Monday, I do not know how I will get through this. I feel guilty just thinking about me at all and how I feel...after all he is the one locked up. How dare I think of my feelings right. My feeling change every day, every hour. I get little bits of strength and say to myself I have to get it together for him if not for myself. But, the next minute I just sit and stare at some stupid show on tv (all day) in total denial of what happened in that court room, and that he is not coming home for a long time. I just can't except this. So I am in a constant state of numbness.

[sleepless in Tu]

Once our children are in the prison system everything changes.I found myself going over memories(both good and bad).I was trying to understand how this was possible,I came to realize it just plain was.The"if onlies" and the"if I could change time" began to become less frequent.Then I would plan for the future and her letters encouraged me to do so.My daughter has been home a little over 2 weeks now.She has put in 2 applications,enrolled in Jr. college and has class on Tues. and Thurs. afternoon.I posted about this tatoo ordeal and the outcome was a 5 inch by about 4 inches of a butterfly on her left wrist which goes up her forearm.It does not say "mom" (aw shucks) but she used money that her grandmother had saved for her to help upon her release.So, some good things have happened and some wasteful and ungrateful things have happened.When she was in prison and we worked hard to make sure we visited(a long drive!) and she seemed to understand what we had been trying to do all this time which basically was keeping her away from the prison system,I had such hope that her impulsive needs were under control because SHE UNDERSTOOD !I find myself confused.I take heart that I've received encouragement that everything is still new.It is so hard when choices they made result in a prison sentence and we feel as if our hearts have been ripped out.It will get better,and letters,phone calls and visits help ease the pain.Take care of yourself as much as you can.This site was and continues to be a lifesaver for me!

[Gavin123]

Hi and welcome. Believe me, I'm kinda still in that place and I know how your feeling. My son was in county for 1 1/2 yrs before he was sentenced to 15 years. It's been 6 months and I'm still struggling with it. BUT, with each day, it gets a lil better. Yes, what you feel is the way most of us have felt when our child gets sentenced. It is a helpless feeling, but I feel like you, I need to get it together for my son...and I do.

One major thing...Do not think so much about how long the sentence or it will drive you crazy. I haven't let my mind go there yet, I can't. I take it week by week right now. You will get in a routine with your son and things will start to fall in place. At first everything is unknown but in time, you'll learn what you need to and find a routine. I go see my son every 2 weeks, so he has that to look forward to that. I talk to him 2x a week. I send him letters...just things that are happening, pictures for him to have, magazines to read and I will continue to do what I can.

You feel guilty I know, BELIEVE ME I know...I turned my son in for his crimes and at first the guilt was ovewhelming but I know I did the right thing, he could be dead. You will eventually feel better, if not please seek help...I had to as many others. This will take a toll on your body if you let it. I started a journal the day my son was sentenced...the journal is for him. I want him to know how I am feeling while he is in prison and it is a stress releaser to me. I am angry one day, sad one day and on and on.

You have come to a great place to vent, cry, be angry or advise. {{{HUGS}}}

[Joshua's Mom]

I know it's hard to believe, and you can't imagine it ever getting better at this point, but believe me it does. My son has been gone for a little over a year now and I still have my bad days, and I imagine I will until he comes home. Guilt is a very normal feeling. I blamed myself for being too easy on my son and not teaching him responsibility while growing up. He was the first one to tell me it wasn't my fault, that he made the choices he made and it was no one's fault but his own. Take one day at a time and you will get through this. Is it going to be easy? Not always, but the way I looked at, which helped me, was that my son needed me now more than ever, and I had to work through this and get strong for him. Just hang in there, sending prayers your way.

[dutchgirl1]

Originally Posted by chrstnfriend

Thank you Dutchgirl1,
My son was just sentenced on Monday, I do not know how I will get through this. I feel guilty just thinking about me at all and how I feel...after all he is the one locked up. How dare I think of my feelings right. My feeling change every day, every hour. I get little bits of strength and say to myself I have to get it together for him if not for myself. But, the next minute I just sit and stare at some stupid show on tv (all day) in total denial of what happened in that court room, and that he is not coming home for a long time. I just can't except this. So I am in a constant state of numbness.

dear chrstnfriend. trust me, trust all of us who say...you will get thru this. We all felt that way in the beginning. my first yr was spent in dark despair. My heart hurt all the time, like a big knot was always there. I cried all the time, working was so hard to concentrate and not just break down in front of all my co-workers.
I think this journey is one of the hardest a parent can ever walk. none of us thought when our child was growing up that this was their & our future.
as the days wear on, each day gets a little easier to manage. and somewhere down the road, you will actually find yourself in a daily routine that doesnt include constant thoughts of your son. you will laugh, enjoy going out to the movies, etc. oh the pain remains but it goes deeper and just feels more numb than outright like now.

Like the others have already said, take time for you. a walk, a long soak in the tub. a good book, a movie. take this journey one day at a time.

And when you feel trapped by the pain and emotions and need to 'scream' or vent, or just someone to talk to... we are here for you.

God tells us in His Word to bear each others burdens. we parents here on the forum have some heavy burdens. some so heavy and constant that we dont know how we can continue. But that is why we share our burdens. to make each others shoulders just a tad lighter. and best of all, the Lord is right here in our midst, lending His strength and comfort.

Be of good cheer. there is light at the end of the tunnel, we are just still too far from the end to see it YET.

hugs n prayers.
d'gal

[junebugsmomma]

Originally Posted by TerryLee

Chrstnfriend...
You have found the right place to be right now and each day as much as you possibly can...we are here for you and we have all been there or will be there and we are here to help each other. Do take care of yourself and do something for yourself today...sit outside and look at the flowers or the sky and sometimes the best thing to do is just cry!!let it out its ok...My daughter will be sentanced in the next few months and this is the worse just not knowing...I know the day she gets sentanced I will need to find a padded room...but I will be ok...I need to be for her and the family...it's not easy but God will see you through. Keep coming back we are here for you
In Gods Grace
TLC

I hear you hon...the waiting..courtdate after courtdate. Talking about it with understanding persons help a lot.

JM

[blueheart]

This site has been a real blessing to me. I came across it by accident and I know God lead me to it. Many tears are shed reading everyones story but some how knowing we are all in it together, praying for one another and for each others children really helps. I thank you all for being here when I had no where else to turn and the advise and prayers are greatly appreciated. Know God will watch over your child and we will all be praying for you. Take it one day at a time and you'll make it, you may not think so but you will. Prayers to you.

[LAKitty65]

I know exactly how you feel. It's such a surreal experience - completely unbelievable unless you have lived it yourself. My daughter is also in prison and is sentenced for many years.

All you can do is take it one day at a time - step by step. You do need to take care of yourself. He is still here - he is still with you and you are still with him.

I must say though that it is important for you be able to still be there for your son while he is behind the wall. I always told myself "If this is what I'm going through - I can't imagine what my kid is going through." It's such a total state of shock - I call it the Zombie phase. Walking around but feeling like a Zombie!!! Can't sleep, can't eat, on the verge of a nervous breakdown or FULL ON one, can't think straight!!!

You will be able to get through this - only because you have to!!!! Not because you want to!! I know. I encourage you to keep in touch with your son and support him any way you can - write, accept his calls, put money on the books, on the phone account, send magazines, visit, all that. He will gain strength from you - so you gota put up the "strong woman" act in front of him!!! For his own sake....

And pursue any other avenues you find to get an early release for your son!!! It will give you something to do while he is in this predicament. Get involved with local organizations that are fighting against these ridiculous long sentences.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. BUT we are all going to be here for you through this journey to listen, to give cyber hugs, to be supportive, to answer questions, and just to sometimes say "Know just how you feel girl" when you don't think anyone else does! We are all pretty much in this together - anytime, anyday. Til the end of the whole ordeal.

Right now you are probably just trying to wrap your head around the whole situation and get a grasp on what just happened. It will all sink it.

I feel for you girl. I will be thinking about you and your son!!!

[wickit]

I went into complete silence when I found out my son and his ex-wife were arrested. I didn't hear a thing, I didn't do anything for days and then the tears came. I cried and I cried for days on end, I just couldn't believe it! Then when the reality set in I began searching for something, somewhere and somehow I found this site. The people here pulled me through one of the darkest nights I have ever experienced. I began reading and then I posted and it wasn't long until someone responded to me. One of them was Lori and she helped me by being there and listening to my sorrow. She pulled me through that night and I did come back and others began responding and I knew I had found a special place with many special people. It's okay to feel how you are feeling, glad you found us, I just wish it were for different reasons.

[believenHim]

I'm glad you found PTO and have the support that is offered here. It will get easier with time. You will find that the good days last longer and the bad days are shorter and not as often as time goes on. Just take a day at a time and trust God. He has a plan for each of us. Even when it's so hard to understand why this has happened, we are seeing only a tiny part of what God sees, like watching a parade through a hole in the fence. He sees the big picture. Come here often and even when you don't feel like posting, you can draw so much strength and comfort from just reading through the different posts. You're in my prayers.

[chrstnfriend]

Hi Joyce, Thank you for your words of inspiration. Right now it is hard to imagine enjoying life at all until the day my baby comes home. My days do not seem real as if I am in a bad movie or something. The littlest stupid insignificant thing makes me burst into tears. Or I am just in la la land all day. At night I read other peoples stories and feel like I do have someone to talk to, it helps. Our sons are the same age when incarcerated, my son is 18 and has only been there for one week. I feel for you, staying strong for your son...I needed to hear that, so when I talk to him and visit him I will not be in tears which would really upset him. Does your son not get parole?

Originally Posted by MotherJ

It's going on 4 years since my 18 year old son was sentenced to serve 43 years in prison. I remember how utterly helpless and hopeless I felt during that time. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. My dreams for my son had been wiped out, were gone. For the rest of my life he will be behind bars. I thought I couldn't live with this. But God is a kind and loving God. I should've known he wouldn't let me go on suffering at that level of pain forever.

You are very normal in your reaction to this terrible event in you and your sons life. Your feelings of guilt over thinking of yourself will change as you come to know how important you and your well being are for your son. My son worries about his mom and when I'm okay, he does much better. The laughs we share are important for both of us. The length of my sons sentence and where I'll be when he's released are still something I can't wrap my mind around. It's just too painful for me to think about even 3 1/2 years later. My mind has learned to just not to go there. It will get better for you. Does the pain ever go away? Is all right in your world? No, not for me. My life till the day I die will be colored by the pain of my son being incarcerated, his son never really knowing his dad, family events always missing the presence of one of us, but it does get better. You will be okay and find a new normal for your life. We parents with children in prison are here for you and will support and understand you. Hugs & prayers for you and your son. Joyce

[mrsrimoldi]

Chrstnfriend,
Reading your post brought back many memories. I remember those days and nights of thinking about nothing other than my son, the crime, the jail/prison, when he was little, a teen, the problems and what I should have done different. I think those thoughts are normal after something this BIG has happen. I know I wasn't right for a long time afterwards. My son was 19 and sentenced to 15-life! I look back now~ it's been almost 6 years now and I wonder how I got through that first year. I did it by crying when I had to and putting one foot in front of the other. I know I cried every single day for at least the first 2 years. I remember thinking one day wow I haven't cried once today. At first I spent more time crying than not, I also would sit lost in space~ I think that is okay too~ our mind needs a rest too~ I would also force myself to think of something else for just 10 or 15 minutes. I'd play my piano, read a chapter or play some mind numbing game on the computer~ Jewel Quest helped me get through some dark days~ just something to push the dark thoughts away for a few minutes. I prayed a lot ( still do but I'm not as desperate now) and once I accepted the fact this is what it is and I can't change it I learned how I was going to deal with it. My husband tried to tell me I needed to "get over it" AS IF! We do not get over this we learn how to deal with it. You are at the beginning of this road we are all on here. Ask anything you want to know or don't want to know but can't help but ask anyway. I would not wish this on the devil himself and I'm sorry you are here with us but at the same time I'm glad you found PTO. It takes a strong person and you are a lot stronger than you thought. I stopped asking God for strength now I ask for guildance. Know you and your son are being prayed for tonight. You are not alone.
Hugs to you