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babybomber · #1 08-17-2010, 02:00 AM

Hey was just wondering does anyone else sometimes feel that your man thinks its he has it bad an you have it just great????

Just had to ask cause sometimes my man (not sure he realises) makes me feel as though its only him who feels the effects of him doin time. Its just the odd "its ok for all you cause you are living your lives" usually over talkin bout me catching up with his younger siblings (1 legal pub age) or even me talking bout a shoppin trip so on. Then ther is "well you have it easy im the 1 doin time' most times when hey we all miss you. These comments arnt often but they make me feel as though he doesnt realise in many ways im doin time an really I dont have it easyier sometimes I feel he does (would neva say 2 him) cause I run the house alone now, support him an our son money wise, im the one who has to put on the happy face for him an our son an make this ride seem as though its as easy as scratchin an itch, go visit every wknd even tho it means 12hr between leavn home an getn back not to mention most on trains an son becomes the devil lol it goes on an on but I do it for love but DAMN sometimes he makes me feel as tho I go thro nothing at all an its like UGRRRRRRRRRRR.
I know its not easy for him but hmm *SIGHS* just wish he saw us girls we have our own side to time thats not easy. Anyway sorry for the long rant just yeah needed to get it out thanx ladys

confusing · #2 08-17-2010, 02:59 AM

My partner has done that as well. I remember writing a list to him and dot pointing everything that I do in a day that is about him in some way. From writting to money to dealing with court, lawyers, police and his family. I also added a list on what I needed to do that day and what I didnt do simply because i was dealing with his stuff.
Not really sure if he got the point but it did make me feel better

Resalicious · #3 08-17-2010, 03:15 AM

yeah, my man has done that as well. I just remind him of his predicament and how it was HE that got himself into it not I...Men are selfish in so many ways but I just let it roll off my shoulders; if not we will be constantly fighting. He usually gets all crazy like that when prison life is getting the best of him...I let him have his "woe is me" days and I have mine believe me and we manage to balance just fine...good luck.

Mitch67 · #4 08-17-2010, 03:20 AM

At times my man can forget that it is not always a bed of roses being with a guy in prison. I think sometimes they just get a little selfish and when their self pity kicks in they forget that there is someone on the outside who because they love them is also worried about them and missing them.

Sometimes all be it rarely I could just yell you think you have it bad . . . . . do you want to hear about my problems?

BlueEyedEllie · #5 08-17-2010, 06:23 AM

you could always remind him that YOU didn't put him there.That HIM breaking the law put him there and he should feel blessed to have you,NOT whine about how hard he has it.I don't believe in throwing a man's crime in his face when you make the choice to stay with him,but i have no tolerance for whining and self pity about circumstances that were self inflicted.

Hope&Love · #6 08-17-2010, 07:06 AM

Yes!

I've had to speak with my husband a few times regarding this. Unfortunately it took for me to have a break down where I ceased to communicate with him for a long while before he understood me. Sure I'm a strong, educated, resourceful, loving, and supportive woman. Nevertheless, I am a woman! He had become so accustomed to me taking the ball and running whenever he fell short without any regard as to what my state of mind and being was. His favorite words are "stay strong because you know you're my backbone". That's all fine and dandy but he was also mine and in his absence (for a while) I just couldn't function properly.

As I indicated in another thread, our men must gain an understanding of the vital roles they play in our lives. When they make these split second decisions, the consequences and repercussions are not only their's to deal with. We suffer in many ways and the number one attack is on our mental state of mind. Thank God he's understanding my situation more. While visiting this past weekend he was so affectionate and understanding. The way we communicated didn't feel as if we were in the visiting room of a prison. As much as it pained me, I had to step back and allow him to miss dearly, in order for him to get the understanding he so desperately lacked.

missing mah luv · #7 08-17-2010, 11:21 AM

lol ha ha my and my man just had a fight last night about that i guess he dont see i have to work go to school and come home to take care of our daaughter and he's not here helping me with none of it cause his in there and i guess he see's like im free and it's not hard on me or our lil girl and it really bugs my cause she will cry for her daddy and he hears her crying but he says it a different pain then him cause i have family i can go visit and not be alone but i think we hurt as much right??

deonsgirl · #8 08-17-2010, 11:41 AM

My man does this as well. DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!

stacy101 · #9 08-17-2010, 11:55 AM

My husband does this. Just the other day I told him that we might have to ove to a rough neighborhood becasue I can't afford the rent where I am. He told me "You can come up with the rent money" Muthableep. If you wasn't trying to be "nino brown", I would have the rent money.

timsgirl26456 · #10 08-17-2010, 12:50 PM

I am glad to hear that I am not the only one wheo goes through this. (Not that I want others to suffer, you all know what I mean.) My man says...that's ok, you just go on with your life and be happy...I'll be here....and you have a normal life out there except for the fact taht I am not there. What he doesnt realize is that I deal with lawyers, letters fo tv and newspapers, calling other inmates wives and attorneys cause he askes me to, writing letters to him when I need a hug, crying myself to sleep, feeling guilty every time that I start to eat, sleep, shower, go outside, or smile at the kids....HE didnt put himself there, his X lied about him and that is why he was convicted, so I cannot even throw out the "you shouldnt have done....whatever.." So I am just here, struggling through, praying for help and a future, broke, sad and scared. Yep, we are all in thie same boat.

Tina · #11 08-17-2010, 01:50 PM

The love of my life goes through this every now and then. I am pretty understanding but once I've had enough, I've had enough and I let him know it. He's pretty quick to apologize and let me know how hes feeling iniside. Once he lets it all out he usually feels better.

young love · #12 08-17-2010, 11:35 PM

yes! girls my husnand does the same , he tells me ur out there, u can eat whatever u want , go where ever u want, im like hello is hard for me 2 i have 3 trouble makers 2 take care off, go 2 school, deal with personal problem's deal with, family, money problem's is hard 4 us as 4 them.. uggg....

myheartishis7 · #13 08-17-2010, 11:46 PM

Naw but my bae sometimes dont understand how I dont have the time for certain things. He wants me to write more but to be honest after class, work, errands, the gym, spritual time, reading, friends, etc...I dont feel like writing. I know that may sound mean but its been a year and nine months and letters are nice but after awhile its not enough and so my excitement level is not the same as it use to be those first couple months when we reconnected if that makes any sense. I love my hubby to be but sometimes I wish he would realize I still have duties out here and he shouldn't take it so personally.

Shawnandbianca2 · #14 08-17-2010, 11:50 PM

Girl I know exactly what your saying I trieed to tell him one time how it was hard for thew wives out here that we do the time with them and he told me miss me with that bullshit.
My feeling were so hurt I felt stupid, so I never said it again, but I try to let him know now and then that running the house supporting him our daughter and myself is damn hard!
I know he's in there and its hard but its hard forus out here to without him! My heart aches u know. I know he cares he just thinks about well at least ur free u know what I mean, but he doesn't understand that
Our life are not complete with out him and we are imprisoned by him being in there and not here with us!

Temeron0926 · #15 08-18-2010, 12:10 AM

Thank God Ray has never made those kinds of comments to me. He knows how hard this is for me.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with him. Mind you, this is just MY opinion, but I don't "put on a happy face for him" ever. He knows my moods, he knows life is rough right now and he appreciates everything I do for him. I share everything with him. I don't believe in only sharing the good stuff, in not letting him know how hard it really is out here and in being honest. I am sure not going to act happy when I am not. Most times I am in a good moood, but I have my moments, and he hears about them. My life is so not a party out here and he knows I am very realistic, as he likes me to be.

So, I say have a talk with him, let him know how it REALLY is out here for you. He might just need to have his eyes opened up.

SherryRN · #16 08-18-2010, 03:30 AM

Mine does this alot but then will say " I know I ask alot out of you." Sometimes I just want to rip him up and down but I bite my tongue. They dont realize how hard it is for us. We see our friends and family members with normal relationships. I know my day revolves around waiting for his call. Its the highlight of my day. Ive cancelled appts and meeting friends around his phone calls! Everything revolves around him. Sometimes I feel like I dont even have a life. I cry alot. I love him so much but sometimes it is so hard. Sometimes I just want to scream at him, WTF?

iloveyoumore · #17 08-18-2010, 09:31 AM

Only when my husband is having a pity party for himself. I can't even imagine what it is like for him to live in that place. He is constantly under stress and watching his back and there is no peace. He, on the other hand, can imagine what it's like out here because he was out here living free like the rest of us. I don't blame him for thinking I have it easier because he now sees and appreciates the simpler things in life that he doesn't have a hope of seeing for a long time.

kag896 · #18 08-18-2010, 10:23 AM

My man never makes these kind of comments to me. In fact, quite the opposite. He's really supportive of me knowing how hard it is to raise two little kids on my own and work and go to school and try to find money to pay the bills...the list goes on and on just like it does for you ladies I'm sure.

Plus I think he knows I would set that sh*t straight in a heartbeat if he ever tried to tell me how easy I had it.

Seems like some of the guys have started to take their wonderful women for granted just a little bit if they feel like they can say that. I wonder if after some more time in my man will ever start to forget and take me for granted too?

onlyyours · #19 08-18-2010, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by timsgirl26456

I am glad to hear that I am not the only one wheo goes through this. (Not that I want others to suffer, you all know what I mean.) My man says...that's ok, you just go on with your life and be happy...I'll be here....and you have a normal life out there except for the fact taht I am not there. What he doesnt realize is that I deal with lawyers, letters fo tv and newspapers, calling other inmates wives and attorneys cause he askes me to, writing letters to him when I need a hug, crying myself to sleep, feeling guilty every time that I start to eat, sleep, shower, go outside, or smile at the kids....HE didnt put himself there, his X lied about him and that is why he was convicted, so I cannot even throw out the "you shouldnt have done....whatever.." So I am just here, struggling through, praying for help and a future, broke, sad and scared. Yep, we are all in thie same boat.

hell. no- you are not the only one.. my hubby is doing this too.. he is all whining about himself at times- but what about me and our kids? we sacrafice so much- just to put a temporary smile on his face- and there he is saying stuff like " what kind of problems could you have out there? do you want to swap places?" and everytime i will tell yes- lets swap and lets see how you are handling everything out here - plus lets see if you are so into me like im into you! and then he will just stay quiet- but he keeps bringing this up lately.. and honestly speaking.. at times it makes me very very sad...

mambo · #20 08-18-2010, 12:43 PM

No, he hasn't said or implied that sort of thing to me... but, I think I do have it easier. Life is hard sometimes, and I've been under a lot of stress (nothing to do with him). Still, being in prison is so, so much worse than what I have to deal with. Okay, so he doesn't need to work to keep a roof over his head or pay the bills, but he lives with the threat of violence 24/7. Everything and everyone he loves has been taken away. He has no privacy. He has no comfort. He has no quiet. When it's scorching hot, there's no relief. When he's sick, he just has to suffer. He's degraded, confined, and has absolutely no way to escape that environment. My life is hard sometimes... pretty damn hard, but I feel bad about complaining when I know how much harder he has it.

But, he's incredibly supportive and thoughtful about what I'm going through, regardless of his circumstances. If he was throwing a pity party and making comments about how easy I had it, I'd probably be upset. I wouldn't turn it into a competition though. I'd try to be understanding about what he's going through, but explain that the circumstances are hard on you both, in different ways, that it's hurtful to hear him dismiss what's going on in your life, and that you could really use his support, encouragement etc.

NluvwithDemar · #21 08-24-2010, 11:10 AM

YES, I am goin thru this RUGHT now with my papi!! He assume my "free" life is much better than his, TUHH!!! Only if he knew the truth...

Inhishands · #22 08-24-2010, 02:51 PM

He never makes me feel like I have it easy, We are both appreciative of the hardships each one of us goes through and grateful for the other. It's hard sometimes because he wishes he could do more from his end. But we each do what we can, it kind of reminds me of the story about the Widows' mite in the bible, she gave less than other's but it was her all, so it was such a greater gift.

KeithsWifeyxOx · #23 08-24-2010, 04:09 PM

Yes, my husband does that, but then I think and...He's 100% right!

Here I am worrying my ass off about his parole date and moving in with his family (Which of course my worries are just as valid as his) BUT then I think about it...He's been in prison for 8 years...He's going to re-enter into a whole new world not knowing right from left. He won't even know how to turn on a cell phone. Here I am worrying about these insignificant things when he has to relearn his entire lifestyle.

So maybe sometimes they have something.

HOOOWWWEVERRRR for women who bust their ass everyday and actually give money to their man on a weekly basis AND their mans lameo ass has the nerve to complain, THEN I WOULD BE HEATED!!!! Thank the good Lord my man is nowhere near like that!

MissMarissaOX · #24 08-24-2010, 07:58 PM

I often have to remind him that he's not the only one that suffers from this. I can't say that I *know* what prison is like, but he's also never been in a relationship w. someone who is in prison. Neither of us have walked in the others shoes, but I know that I try to be as understanding as possible, & I expect the same of him. I think he sometimes forgets that.. even though he's not here.. the world still moves, time still passes, & life goes on.. with or without him.

This has been an issue lately.. a big issue. His father just recently passed away & he fails to realize that because of his absence, I'm the one that has stepped in to take care of his mother, make sure she's okay, clean the house up, pay the bills, make the phone calls, take her to her appointments, etc etc all the while trying to keep MY life on point & under control. I don't mind doing it, but its stressful.. and instead of making it easier on me, he has a terrible case of the "ME ME ME" syndrome.. where I had to kindly, but firmly, remind him that I take care of everything - myself, him, his daughter, his family, my family, & everything in between.. it cannot be about him, ALL OF THE TIME..