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Giababy · #26 09-11-2010, 06:50 PM

Hi everybody. Im still kinda new to this (4 months). I read the posts everyday but usually dont say anything but today i need u guys to hear me. Ok so my bf has been gone for a little over 4 months. i live n nc and hes n ny. i went and saw him like 6xs while he was on the island, talked 2 him much more and wrote enough letters. i evn went 4 his sentencing and court dates. i dont want 'props' thats what i feel im supposed to do. if i can. ok so i started a new job and he was moved 2 reception. hes been there for a little over a month. hes sick he hates it there. im like its prison what do u expect/ anyways i put money on the phone, on his books, evn paid half his surcharge, write, but i havnt went 2 visit him there yet. ive had 2 work. i was suppose to go c him this weekend but something came up last minute. he expected me 2 b there and i didnt come. so he calls 2nite and im lik im not coming n hes lik i expected that like u said(me)i expect the worst. i try 2 explain that i truly planned on being there but i gotta get it 2. he flipped told me im just lik evrybody elses chic n ther i say im coming and dont and that he can do this bid just like he did the last one by himself. im like what the %^&&i kno he wanted to c me imiss him sooooo much but i dont feel lik he feels im going thru nothn he b lik just do u dont feel bad imma holla clik. im crying mad lik half the time i go hard its 4 him because he put us in this stupid situation. i wrote him but basically just told him evrything i do 4 him money and all i usually dont say nothn cuz i do it frm the heart but i dnt feel lik he evn sees it. im soo frusterated and dont kno what 2 do next. i hpoe i made some sense thanks for listening.

mtcharm07 · #27 09-11-2010, 08:28 PM

Our biggest issue is insecurity; he thinks I will find someone else, but I just tell him that no one compares to him so why would I trade down. Eventually he sees that I am all his and he stops. It pops up every now and again but we deal with it and move on.

pinayluv78 · #28 09-12-2010, 12:58 AM

Fear is my biggest stumbling block. We had separated before he went in, after 7 years of marriage because he had an affair with another woman. long story short, he got real messed up on drugs & landed himself in prison. We got back together a year after he got locked up (a total of 2 years apart), and it's been 5 years together so far now, with 23 more months to go. The closer his release date is, the more scared i get. No matter what he says or does, I can't help but be afraid that history will repeat itself. But so far, no matter what I've thrown his way, he hasn't given up on me. So I suppose i shouldn't give up just yet either... :P

mnmarty03 · #29 09-13-2010, 05:16 PM

Our biggest stumbling block is his fear and negativity. He's struggled with always, even before he got incarcerated. He focuses too much on the past and thinks, "Since I've always failed in my life, I always will." On the other hand I can't, and won't, think like that and it makes me angry when he gets so down on himself.

Sigh. I think he will eventually need prof help to learn different ways of thinking. In the mean time I try to help as best as I can. Last night and this morning we had a huge fight about all this though - in 7 years we've never had a huge fight like this. We are definitely still working through this stumbling block.

FifthTimeAround · #30 09-14-2010, 02:47 PM

Our stumbling block is that he admitted to cheating on me with some girl before he was arrested and told me the week before he was sentenced to 7 years. I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore, this is not the first time he did this, but it hurts the most.

PTO-189145 · #31 09-14-2010, 04:01 PM

I'm going to speak on a very big block that we have conquered (and still continue to climb) within our relationship.

Fear

Fear of true love. Fear of the unknown. Fear of repetition of the past. Fear of this. Fear of that.

My take on FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real..(thanks drea)

HIS take on FEAR: F*ck Everything And Run

When things get really heavy...or scary..His best plan is to try and escape it before his fear becomes a reality. His jealousy does not help the situation either. He has made HUGE strides in getting past his jealousy and anger...yet they still manage to find their way to resurface.

We have great communication..but in any normal situation..there are times when one of us becomes stubborn. And this makes the situation a great deal harder. He forces these walls up..and instead of discussing what he's afraid of..and whats REALLY hurting him..He tries to push me away instead of dealing with the issues head on.

His anger takes the lead and as a result he says things he doesnt mean. (ex: taking a break) He figures..thats his solution for his fear.

The way we have conquered this is to just continually communicate. We work on that a LOT. We discuss things..even if theyre painful or uncomfortable. Also, as hard as it may be. I'm not afraid to call him out on his behavior. While its OKAY to be upset...It is NOT okay to put me through added turmoil with his attempts to leave.

If I can understand WHY his feelings are hurt, then I can better handle the situations (and vice versa-sometimes I don't communicate the best either..and thats when HE steps it up

)

Just one of our "stumbling blocks"

t'slovingwife · #32 09-14-2010, 06:41 PM

I see that fear and insecurity seem to be major issues for many of us. Do you think the same things will be a stumbling block when he gets home? T and I have dealt with many of the issues that you have mentioned over the years. It seems like we communicate so much better, BUT every once in a while those things pop up....wondering how you all deal with it....

PTO-189145 · #33 09-15-2010, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t'slovingwife

I see that fear and insecurity seem to be major issues for many of us. Do you think the same things will be a stumbling block when he gets home? T and I have dealt with many of the issues that you have mentioned over the years. It seems like we communicate so much better, BUT every once in a while those things pop up....wondering how you all deal with it....

In my own opinion...I do think these things will happen once he is home.

I believe they will be easier to handle...because of the physical closeness.. and ability to actually LOOK in eachothers eyes and communicate...

I feel that if you build a concrete foundation NOW..it will make for an easier journey down the road. You learn from these "stumbling blocks"..and in return they will transform into stepping stones to your future.

They will make or break you....How you HANDLE it is the key