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pisces317 · #51 01-27-2011, 09:15 AM

the usually,regular,familiar and love,i knew this would'nt work and if it did wow i was going to have to put in work,by the initial meeting (mwi) i basically knew this ws a damage bag of goods,distrusting,critical of other's and cocky about himself ,it was different i tried to stay away from guys with these qualities saw these guys everyday ,but this inmate had a certain something and my couriosity got the best of me and so 10yrs lata he's my xx we dont speak and i move forward with caution as i venture out looking again

passionfruit · #52 01-27-2011, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thunder

For me, I listened to my mother. She loved him so much and reminded her of my father (the good side). Boy, I wanted out years ago and God provided a way for me to exit, but my mother said - "you never kick someone when they are down" I listened to her and that was the worst and most expensive mistake of my life. Now I am paying for this and he's dead. This might sound cold, but I felt relieved, b/c he was spiraling out of control and there was no reaching him.

I have no regrets; but if I had to do it over again, knowing what I know - I would never enter into a relationship with someone who did a lot of time in prison. JMO I would never judge anyone who made the decision to enter into a relationship with someone who is in prison and or who is a convicted criminal.

Good morning...

I have asked myself over and over until I came with wow I love him...I have thought about leaving over and over I get so fed up...he's not being here with me, I'm basically on my own...sometimes I asked what's the point if he's no help... Wow my grandmother use to say the same thing too me; don't kick a person when their down and at their lowest...and prison it at the lowest...so I will try to hang in... When he comes on and if he goes back I will not be here for him...I can't. Put my life on hold any longer...

passionfruit · #53 01-27-2011, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ifound4ever

I don't think that my relationship itself is actually a horrible one; it's more the situation that I find abhorrent. It's the being separated by "time and space".
My relationship wasn't horrible to begin with and so its not horrible now!! I hate that we can't do "the normal" things that other couples can do; but because I love him I stay!! "Anything worth having is worth waiting for" and he most definitely is well worth the wait!!!

I've never been one to take the easy way out and so I look at this as just another hurdle that we'll get over!!

hey there,

Now I agree with you...I bi*tch at times but our relationship started off good and just got bad due to circumstances..he has always been their for me when I was dead broke!! I was always able to count on him...so now the tables has turned due to his drug problem..which landed him in prison...

And I agree I hate the face I can't do what other couples do!!! Ugh...;-)

COMPLETElyhis · #54 05-25-2011, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curegirl

This is something that I have been struggling with. Why do we hang on to these horrible relationship? Why don't we end it when God and everybody (Including our own guts) are telling us to? Why do we draw it out so that our pain is maximized?

It's simple...because you're not done yet. When you're done and I mean COMPLETELy done...then you end it.

Peace and blessings...

Texassgirl · #55 05-26-2011, 01:22 PM

This is what's going on in my mind: Love, ups and downs you press through it all things are good then bad then @ their worst. The pain the anger and separation the thoughts of what did I do wrong but look at what he did wrong but he could change..couldn't he? I can change we can get through this together we can make it work this time. After all these years he's all I know. I'll help him fix him keep him out of trouble. Do I really want to do this again? I'm not getting any younger don't I deserve some happiness? But I can't just leave him that would cause him to mess up again. I love you but I'm not in love with you...sigh.

HisRockerGirl · #56 05-26-2011, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by COMPLETElyhis

It's simple...because you're not done yet. When you're done and I mean COMPLETELy done...then you end it.

Peace and blessings...

Thank you! I needed to hear this.

<3

babybuom3 · #57 05-27-2011, 09:03 PM

Yeah I ask my self that all the time. I mean we have our ups and downs, but sometimes it just gets so difficult. Sometimes I want to leave and other times my heart tells me to stay. Apart of me knows that if i do leave his heart will break and he will lose all hope, but sometimes he just doesn't show me that he truly wants to be with me. Siggghhh...

babybuom3 · #58 05-28-2011, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texassgirl

This is what's going on in my mind: Love, ups and downs you press through it all things are good then bad then @ their worst. The pain the anger and separation the thoughts of what did I do wrong but look at what he did wrong but he could change..couldn't he? I can change we can get through this together we can make it work this time. After all these years he's all I know. I'll help him fix him keep him out of trouble. Do I really want to do this again? I'm not getting any younger don't I deserve some happiness? But I can't just leave him that would cause him to mess up again. I love you but I'm not in love with you...sigh.

I feel you on this on texassgirl! I feel the same way. sometimes i just wanna let go, but to know he will be all alone and no one ther to help him through the way gets to me. I love him, but I fall in & out of love with him from time to time. Actions are so limited to these men that all they have are words, but how much of those words can we really believe.... ;/ who knew letting go would be so hard.

Vsell220 · #59 05-28-2011, 07:40 PM

I wonder the samething why do I keep hanging on to this? I know that eventualy he will get his self together and then we can have our family.. Or is it just that I want a NORMAL family, I want my daughters dad not a step dad, I want her to have brothers and sister not step brothers and sisters. I want that normal life soo bad.

babybuom3 · #60 05-29-2011, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vsell220

I wonder the samething why do I keep hanging on to this? I know that eventualy he will get his self together and then we can have our family.. Or is it just that I want a NORMAL family, I want my daughters dad not a step dad, I want her to have brothers and sister not step brothers and sisters. I want that normal life soo bad.

I do not know your situation hun, but if that is the case maybe you still have a past love? or is he the father of your children?....

curegirl · #61 06-01-2011, 12:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Texassgirl

This is what's going on in my mind: Love, ups and downs you press through it all things are good then bad then @ their worst. The pain the anger and separation the thoughts of what did I do wrong but look at what he did wrong but he could change..couldn't he? I can change we can get through this together we can make it work this time. After all these years he's all I know. I'll help him fix him keep him out of trouble. Do I really want to do this again? I'm not getting any younger don't I deserve some happiness? But I can't just leave him that would cause him to mess up again. I love you but I'm not in love with you...sigh.

Sweetie, you are not responsible for anyone's actions other than your own. No one can "fix" another human being. They have to do that themselves. You are only given this one life. Please don't squander it. Live it to the fullest. You deserve so much happiness. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone.

skellerton · #62 06-13-2011, 08:01 PM

"Don't kick a person when their down and at their lowest"
That's right you don't kick them, but you also don't have to get into a relationship with them, either.
Seems like grandma knows what NOT to do, but is short on what is actually helpful to someone who is down. There are many form's of "help".

LeStrange · #63 06-14-2011, 05:22 PM

It could be holding on to the hope that maybe he'll change and go back to the person you once THOUGHT he was and those times you THOUGHT were "good times" will come back. The THOUGHT of what things could/can be like. I don't know you or your situation but I hope things get better for you.

InmateLover67 · #64 07-04-2011, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by curegirl

This is something that I have been struggling with. Why do we hang on to these horrible relationship? Why don't we end it when God and everybody (Including our own guts) are telling us to? Why do we draw it out so that our pain is maximized?

I believe that people stay in unhealthy relationships because they do not feel they deserve any better.

Heather.P · #65 07-05-2011, 01:11 AM

i believe we just love them too much to let go. we've invested time, love and affection and we just can't throw all those away. we still hold on to our faith and hoping that everything will get better.

CWLG · #66 07-06-2011, 04:21 AM

I think it's because we are afraid of letting go of something that has become familiar to us and we are afraid of change. Now I know I can take care of myself really well, I look forward to a better future for myself.

Vixen311 · #67 07-07-2011, 09:31 PM

Jonnos_girl · #68 07-20-2011, 02:09 PM

we hang onto these relationships because we love the men who were with and they seem to swing round on our heart strings when were not around them

my man really irritates me sometimes but I love him to bits and cant be without him

thunder · #69 07-20-2011, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InmateLover67

I believe that people stay in unhealthy relationships because they do not feel they deserve any better.

I respect your opinion and can only speak for myself.

I did not stay in that unhealthy relationship b/c I did not feel that I deserved better. Heck, during that time, several men were interested, but I saw the good heart in this person and he had captured my heart. He had so many qualities that over shadowed the faults (drinking and driving), that I was willing to endure, b/c he was a good person, provider, man of his word, etc.

Main reason, when he came home, he was true to everything he said, kept his word and tried so hard to make it. However, not getting work is what caused his demise.

They let them out but do not give them the necessary tools to be successful, b/c w/o them, so many would be out jobs.

In the long run, he destroyed himself, to avoid the continual rejection.

I've learned that we don't know why people stay and we all stay for various reasons and trying to leave at times is not as easy as others might think it is. JMO

skellerton · #70 07-20-2011, 04:43 PM

"Main reason, when he came home, he was true to everything he said, kept his word and tried so hard to make it. However, not getting work is what caused his demise.They let them out but do not give them the necessary tools to be successful, b/c w/o them, so many would be out jobs. In the long run, he destroyed himself, to avoid the continual rejection. "

And might I ask what your love did for this? Does society owe anyone a job?? (just ask the millions of law-abiding citizen out here who are jobless right now)

I agree about the lack of preparatory skills at some facilities, but self destruction is not the answer to this. Bottom line: People also stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't know what else to do. One thing is a sure thing: the kind of destruction you describe can only come from within a person. Having a job or not having a job is not a cure for rejection- only working on the interior can help. Blaming outside sources allows anyone using this to avoid their own truth. Chances are good he was told this while inside and at some point made a choice to ignore it. Like nothing outside can cause destruction, no one outside can prevent it, either. This is one place where self love can be useful- to develop a reverence for the gift of life and its' possibilities.

thunder · #71 07-21-2011, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skellerton

"Main reason, when he came home, he was true to everything he said, kept his word and tried so hard to make it. However, not getting work is what caused his demise.They let them out but do not give them the necessary tools to be successful, b/c w/o them, so many would be out jobs. In the long run, he destroyed himself, to avoid the continual rejection. "

And might I ask what your love did for this? Does society owe anyone a job?? (just ask the millions of law-abiding citizen out here who are jobless right now) skellerton, I don't have to ask the million law abiding citizens out there, b/c I am one of the ones who was laid off. He never had the attitude that society owed him anything, even though he did his time and he never had an entitlement attitude either. Not too sure what you want to now w/ regards to what he did for what? If you're talking about job hunting, he searched, day in, day out, went to job fairs, sent his resumes, put out flyers, etc. He did get side hustles, but he wanted a job that paid more and had benefits. Due to his criminal back ground, he would be rejected. He would go for interviews, up front w/ his background, they would do a ck and would deny him the job. Some went as far as hiring him, but rescinded when back ground ck came in. Oh, he also signed up to be a volunteer w/ the DA's youth panel's night court. they were leery @ first, but he proved himself. He was constantly volunteering in the community, doing stuff to help folk where he was not being benefited, etc. Did this answer your question ? Am I saying he was perfect, heck no - but when it came to looking for work, he was on top of his game, but when you are classified as a violent offender, folk are not too easy to hire you. I pray that you loved one does or no one has to experience this. I have two degrees and I get tired of the rejection, and I can only imagine how this impacted. Everyone handles things differently.

I agree about the lack of preparatory skills at some facilities, but self destruction is not the answer to this. Bottom line: People also stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't know what else to do. One thing is a sure thing: the kind of destruction you describe can only come from within a person. Having a job or not having a job is not a cure for rejection- only working on the interior can help. Blaming outside sources allows anyone using this to avoid their own truth. Again, you are so wrong. He never blamed outside sources. Chances are good he was told this while inside and at some point made a choice to ignore it. Like nothing outside can cause destruction, no one outside can prevent it, either. This is one place where self love can be useful- to develop a reverence for the gift of life and its' possibilities.

Self love was not a problem for him, not having a job, b/c he was a proud man who loved to work and not working, killed his spirit.

Skellerton, It's easy to make comments when you're on the outside looking in. Don't agree w/ what you've posted, but you are entitled to your opinion.

He was a proud man who loved to work and that's all he really wanted to do. When he was He was one of those old school men who took care of his family, gave the woman the pay check and saved money for what he want. Again, you're on the outside looking in and I know how he was when he was and wasn't working and justification is not needed.

ceewifey · #72 07-21-2011, 08:43 PM

I have been in this for almost 7yrs now. It only seems we get along perfect when he's locked up, when he's out he ends up messing up again and we fuss n fight. He gone most of the time and Im hurting feeling sorry for myself. He has less thann 60 days before release and ths time he done with running the streets (so he says).. I moved to another county and he put his request in for transfer. I've been anxious, happy, excited..all until he tells me today that he has to parole back whr he started. That just brings my hopes down and because he'll homeless, thats a definite mess up! I dont want to doubt him but its happened too often, I been thinking that if he's not accepted for transfer then I should divorce him....I love him and would do anything for us to work it out, but I cant if he isnt doing his part. I just dont know how to let go...

Desert Rose · #73 07-21-2011, 10:34 PM

What we PERCEIVE is love at the time is why we stay, when we realize what we thought was LOVE and after all the butterflies, romance and expectation have worn off is when we start to see clearly. At that point, when you know the facts, see the signs, catch the lies...

It's up to you; do you stay, be miserable, sacrifice your future, believe you're the ONE person who can change him by loving him?

~ OR ~

Do you accept you made an unwise choice, deserve better, look within yourself instead of blaming him? We are a willing participant as long as we accept men who are not capable of loving us; for whatever reason...

As for me, I am WIDE awake now

ceewifey · #74 07-22-2011, 03:24 AM

I needed that.... thank you

thunder · #75 07-22-2011, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desert Rose

What we PERCEIVE is love at the time is why we stay, when we realize what we thought was LOVE and after all the butterflies, romance and expectation have worn off is when we start to see clearly. At that point, when you know the facts, see the signs, catch the lies...

It's up to you; do you stay, be miserable, sacrifice your future, believe you're the ONE person who can change him by loving him?

~ OR ~

Do you accept you made an unwise choice, deserve better, look within yourself instead of blaming him? We are a willing participant as long as we accept men who are not capable of loving us; for whatever reason...

As for me, I am WIDE awake now

I don't care what anyone says, it is difficult being in a relationship w/ someone who has done long time and is on parole.

When I look back on things, I will accept and admit that I mad an unwise choice, only b/c building a life w/ someone on parole for 13 + yrs, it's hard b/C @ anytime, they can go back, especially if they are living recklessly.

I do not blame him @ all. But when I look back, the parole officer was of no help. All he wanted him to do was pay the restitution and report and give him no trouble, which he did.

I would say that I deserve better not b/c of him as a person, but due to the constraints, life style, etc . that comes w/ a person who is on parole.

This was the first and only relationship w/ someone who was incarcerated. I have no desire to enter into another relationship w/ anyone who has been incarcerated, especially if they are classified as a convicted felon. That life style for me was too hard, b/c it hinder things we wanted to do and in essence, I often felt like I had become the prisoner when he came home, b/c of restrictions of movement, activities, etc.

Every person has to decide what's best for them and not to judge and or look down on anyone who chooses to begin, continue, etc. a relationship w/ someone in prison, paroled and or on probation. On the other hand, folk can not judge those who choose not to go this route.