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southernsarah · #1 09-04-2010, 09:56 AM

So I got a call from a Drug Task Force agent yesterday. Because of my job, I know people throughout the court system.
Anyway, he called to tell me they have a felony arrest warrant for my son. Apparently, he sold suboxone to a wired up informant awhile back. Remember when he slipped up and we had that million post discussion on whether or not I should have gone and picked him up when he relapsed that weekend? Yup that is when it happened.
Anyway, he called to tell me they had a confidential informant wire up on about 8 people awhile back and my son was one of them. There is a warrant, but because we are going into a holiday weekend he pulled it so my son wouldn't get picked up in the drug warrant sweep they did last night .
HOWEVER, the warrant IS in the computer so if he happens to get pulled over for any reason he will be taken to jail. He said because he has heard that with that one exception my son has been doing really well, working, staying clean and out of trouble, he didn't want to cost him his job by picking him up at the start of a holiday weekend

.
So he wanted my assurance if he waited until Tuesday and let my son turn himself in, that we would go to the jail and do it Tuesday evening.
He said he will talk to the DA Tuesday morning and try and get everyone involved to agree to a low bond. For this particular charge the bond is usually between $25,000 and $50,000.
I have NO money right now but I know a bonding agent who said if I ever needed it he would bond my son out for no money and let me pay him off in installments.
I don't bail my son out anymore... so I am in a quandary because if he loses his job by being in jail he has NO shot at staying outta prison... Our judge is kinder to hard working defendants than unemployed defendants.
This is very serious charge here.. and carries 8-12 years in prison.
In addition, my son is already a convicted felon, and on misdemeanor probation for shoplifting.
He is no longer on felony probation thank God but the fact that he is already a felon can enhance his sentence.
So I went to his work and said it was a family emergency yesterday..he clocked out and I told him what was happening.
I wanted to slap him, scream at him, cuss him, cry, freak out etc...
BUT, for the first time in his entire life he became suicidal. He said now that he is clean and doing well, now that he is on the right path, now that he has opened a business with me etc etc this is going to ruin everything. He went off by himself for a couple of hours to think and when he came back he said for the first time in his life he actually fantasized about killing himself.
He said he thought about the ways to do it but didn't want me to be the one to find him and because he no longer associates with anyone, there would be nobody else who could find him.
He also said because I have a heart problem he was worried it would cause me to have a heart attack and die. He promised me if he gets to where he is going to hurt himself he will tell me so I can take him to a hospital.
He is so freaking depressed right now.
I can't yell at him, or say the things I want to say.
Later, but not now.
I told him long ago..that the problem with selling drugs is that just because you don't get caught at the moment, doesn't mean you aren't selling to an informant and six months to a year later when you have straightened your life up and are on the right path, they will come get you for it anyway.
He obviously didn't listen

.
So here we go.
On the one hand we could stall it out for a year, till he is off misdemeanor probation....bring in pastors, bosses and character witnesses that testify in that year he has been a hard working angel without a lick of problems.. .and hope they put him on felony probation

.
On the other hand, stalling it out for a year, may mean we are simply delaying the inevitable and he may as well just get started on a sentence so it can be done earlier

.
At this point we have no idea which way to go.

Please put your prayers in overdrive Tuesday evening as he turns himself in.

MotherJ · #2 09-04-2010, 10:19 AM

So very sorry Southern Sarah. I don't know what to say. The past just doesn't seem to let go of our kids once they do start trying. He's stronger than he knows and still has a good future ahead of him. There are just some nasty bumps in the road to get over. Hope he can focus on the positive steps he's taken and realize once he's dealt with his mistakes from his past then he can take the lessons learned to be a much better person and help others through his experiences. Prayers for both of you.

meg'smom · #3 09-04-2010, 10:22 AM

Oh Sarah,
I am just so sorry. sometimes i think this crap will never end with our kids no matter what they do. ((((((((((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
manys prayers going up for you and your son.

djsmom · #4 09-04-2010, 10:22 AM

omG...i feel so much for you and your son right now.
first i have to say that I admire very much your way of thinking. i know how conflicted you must be. i have been there so many times.
[quote]I told him long ago..that the problem with selling drugs is that just because you don't get caught at the moment, doesn't mean you aren't selling to an informant and six months to a year later when you have straightened your life up and are on the right path, they won't come get you for it anyway.
He obviously didn't listen. /QUOTE]l
so true, and unfortunately, he gets it now.
it is so great how well he is doing....working, having responsiblities, now feeling remorse-accepting his wrong actions. i would hope that will go a long way with a judge. please see if you can get him into a counselor....im no psychiatrist, but his doing so well, to me, can actually make him more apt to carry out something like that. having said that, yes....if you can keep him bonded out, so he can go to counseling, work, and continued to add good things, do so. in my sons case, because of his bipolar, and ocd, etc..and the sporadic addictions, waiting two years has not been the best thing for him. to me, it has added to these problems, because he cant mentally handle the unknowing, while being free..which can be taken away within a few days, for years. your son, on the other hand, has been on a steady road...so i think he can do well and add positive notes to his case. if that makes any sense to you? please pm me at times and let me know how its going and the results, as i am not on here as often, and forget who it is exactly i wanted to check on

and please tell your son it is just a bump in the road... the good road he is now following. it is certainly not worth taking his life over. he has much going for him, and if he can keep it together it may not turn out as bad as he is afraid of. plus, tell him to use the negative energy into pushing into doing more and more good, which will help him also. please tell him for me.

bumblebee37 · #5 09-04-2010, 10:38 AM

My heart to you this morning sarah. It's a awful feeling when you are facing the unknown but I am also shocked that the DTF is being nice to you....that one blow's me away.
If I had a few days with my son before them picking him up I would have made my time count. Or maybe I say that because so much time has passed and I never got the chance to hug him or tell him how I REALLY feel.
I will be thinking about your family and praying for you. I know what he did was wrong but believe me, if he is facing that much time you will have plenty of time to reflect. ((hugs)) bumble

mandymoo · #6 09-04-2010, 10:47 AM

Prayers are indeed in overdrive

southernsarah · #7 09-04-2010, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

My heart to you this morning sarah. It's a awful feeling when you are facing the unknown but I am also shocked that the DTF is being nice to you....that one blow's me away.
If I had a few days with my son before them picking him up I would have made my time count. Or maybe I say that because so much time has passed and I never got the chance to hug him or tell him how I REALLY feel.
I will be thinking about your family and praying for you. I know what he did was wrong but believe me, if he is facing that much time you will have plenty of time to reflect. ((hugs)) bumble

They are being nice to ME..not him.. Because of my job, we often get treated with more respect than others do. It isn't fair, but it is what it is. If I didn't have the job I have, believe me, they would have snatched him up long ago.. of that I have no doubt. But I am glad it is the way it is this time... I am afraid he may have killed himself had they picked him up in the sweep. He said this morning "the higher you get the further you have to fall mom.. this is the first time I am totally embarrassed, ashamed and angry with myself. I can't believe now that I am doing everything right I am going to prison... I want to run, die, hide, anything but do this... but I won't do that to you... so here we go. I love you."
I am sooo going to miss him. :*(

southernsarah · #8 09-04-2010, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MotherJ

So very sorry Southern Sarah. I don't know what to say. The past just doesn't seem to let go of our kids once they do start trying. He's stronger than he knows and still has a good future ahead of him. There are just some nasty bumps in the road to get over. Hope he can focus on the positive steps he's taken and realize once he's dealt with his mistakes from his past then he can take the lessons learned to be a much better person and help others through his experiences. Prayers for both of you.

Thank you. I hope he can see it that way.. I pray he does.

bumblebee37 · #9 09-04-2010, 11:28 AM

I hear you sarah, I would assume that you work with the system in some aspect so be grateful that you do and have the respect they are showing you.
The part about your son talking about 'run, hide, die...' well that made my heart skip a beat.

Hold him tight sarah, I wish I could mine.

mandymoo · #10 09-04-2010, 11:45 AM

Well said, bumble. This is like deja vu for me because our son had come home, detoxed, rehabbed, regained his job and was so happy to be back with his family after six years of meth hell when he went to court on drug and theft charges. He got probation because of how well he was doing and giving back to the community and we were all rejoicing. Two weeks later, a theft he committed during his last desperate week on the drugs was solved in another city and his thumbprint on the dash gave him away. Even the dectectives who came to the house felt badly (or at least they pretended to) because of how well he was doing. It amounted to a violation of probation as if he had committed the crime in the last two weeks and we knew he would get prison time most likely. The wheels turned slowly and we went through months and months of gloom hanging over us. I must say, he went to work everyday, continued with helping in community efforts to help the addicted and was very good to his dad and I during this time and never returned to the drugs despite the turn of events. He got 4.5 (which will turn out to be 3.7) and has been a model inmate. I will sure be praying for your boy, Sarah!!!

southernsarah · #11 09-04-2010, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

I hear you sarah, I would assume that you work with the system in some aspect so be grateful that you do and have the respect they are showing you.
The part about your son talking about 'run, hide, die...' well that made my heart skip a beat.

Hold him tight sarah, I wish I could mine.

I have a call in to a pastor here in town who is a felon, has been to prison and turned his life around. To hear him speak is amazing because he makes accountability and paying the piper sound like bumps in the road. he is so inspirational and he offered to mentor my son years ago, though we never took him up on it. I think if he will come talk to my son one time... my son will feel much more positive about this whole thing. I hope he calls back.

southernsarah · #12 09-04-2010, 11:57 AM

[quote=djsmom;5640425]omG...i feel so much for you and your son right now.
first i have to say that I admire very much your way of thinking. i know how conflicted you must be. i have been there so many times.

Quote:

I told him long ago..that the problem with selling drugs is that just because you don't get caught at the moment, doesn't mean you aren't selling to an informant and six months to a year later when you have straightened your life up and are on the right path, they won't come get you for it anyway.
He obviously didn't listen. /QUOTE]l
so true, and unfortunately, he gets it now.
it is so great how well he is doing....working, having responsiblities, now feeling remorse-accepting his wrong actions. i would hope that will go a long way with a judge. please see if you can get him into a counselor....im no psychiatrist, but his doing so well, to me, can actually make him more apt to carry out something like that. having said that, yes....if you can keep him bonded out, so he can go to counseling, work, and continued to add good things, do so. in my sons case, because of his bipolar, and ocd, etc..and the sporadic addictions, waiting two years has not been the best thing for him. to me, it has added to these problems, because he cant mentally handle the unknowing, while being free..which can be taken away within a few days, for years. your son, on the other hand, has been on a steady road...so i think he can do well and add positive notes to his case. if that makes any sense to you? please pm me at times and let me know how its going and the results, as i am not on here as often, and forget who it is exactly i wanted to check on

and please tell your son it is just a bump in the road... the good road he is now following. it is certainly not worth taking his life over. he has much going for him, and if he can keep it together it may not turn out as bad as he is afraid of. plus, tell him to use the negative energy into pushing into doing more and more good, which will help him also. please tell him for me.

Thank you DJs mom. I will pass it along to him. I wish it were Tuesday....that way he could turn himself in, get it over with and start the waiting game. When his ex girlfriend caught the same charge they found a way to hold her without bond for a week.. if they do that to him he will be fired. The DTF dude will ask the DA for low bond approval..and I know most of the DA's so hopefully it will work out. If not, then it will be God knowing he does not need to be out here right now.

southernsarah · #13 09-04-2010, 04:39 PM

The attorney has been here for the past two hours visiting with him, outlining a strategy etc.. I am so thankful she offered to come over. She is giving him some hope. :*) She told him to calm the hell down,.. ...this is a bump in the road and they will get past it like they have gotten past everything he has gotten into since he was 15 years old. And if he has to do time, he will do it and come out and pick up right where he left off. She is refusing to accept anything from him but a positive attitude. I love her!

mattsmom56 · #14 09-04-2010, 08:14 PM

[quote=djsmom;5640425]omG...i feel so much for you and your son right now.
first i have to say that I admire very much your way of thinking. i know how conflicted you must be. i have been there so many times.

Quote:

I told him long ago..that the problem with selling drugs is that just because you don't get caught at the moment, doesn't mean you aren't selling to an informant and six months to a year later when you have straightened your life up and are on the right path, they won't come get you for it anyway.
He obviously didn't listen. /QUOTE]l
so true, and unfortunately, he gets it now.
it is so great how well he is doing....working, having responsiblities, now feeling remorse-accepting his wrong actions. i would hope that will go a long way with a judge. please see if you can get him into a counselor....im no psychiatrist, but his doing so well, to me, can actually make him more apt to carry out something like that. having said that, yes....if you can keep him bonded out, so he can go to counseling, work, and continued to add good things, do so. in my sons case, because of his bipolar, and ocd, etc..and the sporadic addictions, waiting two years has not been the best thing for him. to me, it has added to these problems, because he cant mentally handle the unknowing, while being free..which can be taken away within a few days, for years. your son, on the other hand, has been on a steady road...so i think he can do well and add positive notes to his case. if that makes any sense to you? please pm me at times and let me know how its going and the results, as i am not on here as often, and forget who it is exactly i wanted to check on

and please tell your son it is just a bump in the road... the good road he is now following. it is certainly not worth taking his life over. he has much going for him, and if he can keep it together it may not turn out as bad as he is afraid of. plus, tell him to use the negative energy into pushing into doing more and more good, which will help him also. please tell him for me.

I agree that waiting the two years can be hard. My son is similar, and the wait and stress "drove" him to drink and smoke marijuana. I am starting to believe he will never change, but don't want to give up hope. He is in jail again. On a bond revocation for testing positive for marijuana at the probation office. We had a very bad experience when going to trial and then had the chance for a trial taken away from us, him. It is all so very stressful.

mattsmom56 · #15 09-04-2010, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southernsarah

They are being nice to ME..not him.. Because of my job, we often get treated with more respect than others do. It isn't fair, but it is what it is. If I didn't have the job I have, believe me, they would have snatched him up long ago.. of that I have no doubt. But I am glad it is the way it is this time... I am afraid he may have killed himself had they picked him up in the sweep. He said this morning "the higher you get the further you have to fall mom.. this is the first time I am totally embarrassed, ashamed and angry with myself. I can't believe now that I am doing everything right I am going to prison... I want to run, die, hide, anything but do this... but I won't do that to you... so here we go. I love you."
I am sooo going to miss him. :*(

My heart goes out to you! Truthfully, I have prayed many prayers that my son would do as your son has done. Even when he was working long hours, and started a family, he continued to have relapses. That finally caused the end to his relationship with the mother of his two children. It has been surprising that with all the many charges he has not gone to prison. But he still continues to choose friends that drink and use drugs. I can't blame his friends, he makes his choices of who to associate with and to use drugs and alcohol. But I have cried from the heartache many times. The judge wants to put him in a residential facility as part of his probation. If he has any minor infractions or technical violations this time he will go to prison for many years. They pressured him into pleading guilty to aggravated assault (which he didnt' do) with other stiff requirements to get deferred adjudication. Nothing so far has kept him from continuing to use substances and I doubt this will either. So ordering him into a court prison like drug treatment may be the best, but I just don't know.

mattsmom56 · #16 09-04-2010, 08:32 PM

[quote=southernsarah;5640553]

Quote:

Originally Posted by djsmom

omG...i feel so much for you and your son right now.
first i have to say that I admire very much your way of thinking. i know how conflicted you must be. i have been there so many times.

Thank you DJs mom. I will pass it along to him. I wish it were Tuesday....that way he could turn himself in, get it over with and start the waiting game. When his ex girlfriend caught the same charge they found a way to hold her without bond for a week.. if they do that to him he will be fired. The DTF dude will ask the DA for low bond approval..and I know most of the DA's so hopefully it will work out. If not, then it will be God knowing he does not need to be out here right now.

What a great way to look at it! Holding on to faith is hard but necessary. It is a test for sure. I called our pastor today too. He said he will visit my son in jail. I hope he can before Matt is released, so he can't avoid it as he has in the past when the pastor called to speak to him.

Niki · #17 09-04-2010, 09:02 PM

SouthernSarah- Your son will be at the top of my prayer list. Having just responded to your other thread about media I am overwhelmed by a feeling of "why do bad things happen to good people". It really is a shame that sometimes our children's lifestyles come back to haunt them after they have finally gotten back on the right track. Please tell your son that there is nothing so terrible that is worth taking his life over. This is just one of those repercussions of past behavior and, whatever happens, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's a blessing to have "connections." We had lots of connections when they took our son in Nashville. I'm praying for you, too, Southern Sarah. May God look down on you and see fit to reward you for all the good work you've done to help your son...niki

amaslow · #18 09-04-2010, 10:28 PM

SS, oh boy, I know how you feel!! I sure have been there!! A million good reasons to give him a break!! My son and his attorney got to be good friends..It just not end up being in my son's best interest.. These kids need to NOt get a break.. the sooner the better.. He is young and very bright.. he will get it when he has consequences.. He must learn that he is not above the law and that you cannot protect him.. Let the chips fall...He will benefit.

jancy · #19 09-05-2010, 07:26 AM

I am so sad to read of this, and pray that things work out in the best possible way.
(((((HUGS))))))

sleepless in Tu · #20 09-05-2010, 02:14 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened.I pray everything will work out so that the good path your son is on may continue and that any suicidal thoughts will end right now.(((HUGS)))

southernsarah · #21 09-05-2010, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amaslow

SS, oh boy, I know how you feel!! I sure have been there!! A million good reasons to give him a break!! My son and his attorney got to be good friends..It just not end up being in my son's best interest.. These kids need to NOt get a break.. the sooner the better.. He is young and very bright.. he will get it when he has consequences.. He must learn that he is not above the law and that you cannot protect him.. Let the chips fall...He will benefit.

I appreciate your thoughts, however, he has had consequences. He was been incarcerated 2.5 years between 18-23 years old. The remaining time he was been on community corrections house arrest. For the past year he has not been in jail except for five days. I don't post bail for him and I don't hire attorneys for him. This time however, I will post bond and pay an attorney.. he is doing amazingly well, he is on the right track and he is clean, sober, working two jobs as well as growing a seminar business with me. He doesn't go out and run the streets, he is home or at work at all times. He has learned about consequences and now he needs to see that when he has EARNED it I will help him.. when he doesn't earn it I wont.

wickit · #22 09-05-2010, 09:48 PM

Ss, that's the way I try to deal with my kids also. If they are on the right track I help them and if not I don't because it really doesn't work. They get the impression that we will keep doing it no matter what they do. All I can say is to love them, be there for them and hope to get through to them. I'm so sorry this is going on and I hope it doesn't end in a disaster. Hugs and prayers.

bumblebee37 · #23 09-05-2010, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mattsmom56

Nothing so far has kept him from continuing to use substances and I doubt this will either. So ordering him into a court prison like drug treatment may be the best, but I just don't know.

And my heart goes out to you mattsmom. I have struggled for years with my sobriety and even after all these years of being successful keeping it I still have to fight everyday. That's our biggest problem as drunks, all we need is an excuse to pick it back up like I see your son did.
Personally, I think your son got a hell of a deal going into court ordered drug treatment. The key to his recovery can only be found in himself and that is if HE really wants it.
God be with you all threw this trying time.
bumble

mandymoo · #24 09-06-2010, 07:18 AM

Bumble, my dad (who was a drunk) used to tell me that there was a difference between a drunk and an alcoholic, he said,"We drunks don't have to go to those dam meetings!"

So happy for and impressed by your sobriety!

Mandy

bumblebee37 · #25 09-06-2010, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandymoo

Bumble, my dad (who was a drunk) used to tell me that there was a difference between a drunk and an alcoholic, he said,"We drunks don't have to go to those dam meetings!"

So happy for and impressed by your sobriety!

Mandy

LOL And when I was drinking my excuse not to go to AA was "I was no quitter"....