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jancy · #1 09-10-2010, 09:30 AM

I was driving my son to meet up with the guy taking him to the AA conference. He was telling me how much trouble his boss has because of "the wreckage of his past". I asked what he meant and he said it was like his own life. No drivers license til he is at least 42 (and he is only 27). A pain to ask everyone for rides everywhere, can never take a drive alone in a car listening to music. Huge fines to pay. His boss is deep in debt and works to not lose the home he still has, already lost the wife to his past, struggles with his own 13 yr old son having to go to AA because he is already an alcoholic.

I know Ozzie Osbourne has a movie going called something like the wreckage of my past...and I have to say it is a term that intrigues me.

I used to say stopping my son when he was at his worst was like standing in front of a speeding train trying to stop it. You know, that train went on til it crashed and burned. By that time I was standing beside the tracks, had let it fly by and had gotten out of the way to save myself. Once the train wreck of my son's actions ended in a sad incarceration...all I could do was walk up to the still smoking heap of wreckage and be an onlooker. I did not cause the wreck, could not control the speed or direction, and could not cure the problem.

My son now faces the wreckage he crawled out of...he is doing quite well with it all but his life did not have to be this hard. HIS LIFE. I have some wreckage as well...we all do. But I would never ask YOU to suffer because of choices I have made along the way that you did not even know about and if you knew...you couldn't stop.

I was telling another mom that once I stopped being the opposition and let him go on with his life, my son stopped having someone to fight. I gave him permission to live as he chose, and reminded him that I have that right as well.

We all have 24 hours in every day. Picture that cut into three sections for balance.

~Hopefully we are self preservative enough to use 8 of those hours to sleep, rest and renew.

~Most have to use 8 of those hours or more to make a living, care for children, do duties.

~that leaves 8 waking hours. You might want to set aside an hour or two of that to pray for your child in prison, to gather info to send them, jokes, articles, speak with them on the phone if they call, to talk with support groups or be here on PTO. keep it limited so you do not lose your own life living theirs.

the other 6 or 7 hours could then be used for your other family members, to walk, to read, to do something other than dwell in sadness and pain on things you did not cause and cannot control. that is only 6 or 7 hours out of 24 where you LIVE to the fullest extent you can.

just a suggestion...the wreckage of their lives need not leave you behind in that crumbled heap every blessed hour of your life. they will be healthier if you are healthier. I think we would all agree that we want God to miraculously stop that train, but more often than not, due to a person's free will or due to circumstances, the train roars on. Having a change of heart toward ongoing bad times is a great challenge. If you are in the situation of watching that train, try instead to be strengthened enough to step off the tracks, love yourself enough, honor the life and body you have been given...and give yourself that time each day that is not spent standing there staring helplessly. you deserve that much.

northernmom · #2 09-10-2010, 12:11 PM

Wow Jancy...THANK-YOU!
Your post spoke right to my soul. That is exactly the life I was and still sort of living.
I remember being a passenger on my son's train that was barrelling down the tracks! I remember feeling like I was helpless to stop it but he was taking us down the track with him. Finally I jumped off. I told him that it was his decision to do the things that he did. It was up to him to make a change in his life and that I couldn't be dragged along with him. I jumped off that train...and it crashed not very long after. I stood by the side of the tracks and watched it crash...
Until today I have felt guilty for "jumping the train". I should have done more. I should have stepped infront of it and stopped it...but who am I to stop a barrelling train...afterall I was just a step-mother...
His parents had jumped off a long time before I had. LONG before. That's what kept me fighting so long. I just couldn't stand to see him losing himself in drugs and alcohol so I fought. I fought alot of people. I fought him, I fought his mom, I even fought my husband over it. I faught so hard for everything...and for nothing...he refused to listen to me...he was a teenager he knew everything...
So once the train hit the wall...i was there to try to pull him out of the wreckage but I found it hard to.
I found resentment...I thought well finally maybe everyone's eyes will be opened as to how much help this boy needs.
He's going to be 19 on the 20th of this month...in Canada that makes him an adult...but he is so far from being an adult...he doesn't understand things the way an adult should. He doesn't understand things the way a person who commits a crime like his should...
Thanks again Jancy for your words of inspiration. Sorry for going on and on I've just never heard it put into words like you did.
Thank-you thank-you thank-you!

judean07 · #3 09-10-2010, 12:24 PM

Once again Jancy, you hit the nail. Your insight, I know comes from living it. But it is the way you type it, the way you tell us that has an impact. I think you need to write a book for parents with troubled kids.

What a blessing you have been to me and many other parents, that I know for sure.

Travsmon · #4 09-10-2010, 12:34 PM

Jancy, you are a genius. You always seem to know exactly what to say. Thank you so much

dbass · #5 09-10-2010, 01:05 PM

Wise words Jancy! Your posts always seem to give me a reality check-- which I need.
Thank you!

BeachMom · #6 09-10-2010, 01:18 PM

Jancy,

Thank you so much for your post. How true and sad it is. It also applies to other family members as well. I've always told my son to not let anyone else define his future and I am learning to not let him define mine.

We all have daily internal struggles. It's so much easier to stand strong when you are not emotionally involved. We are human so we are going to make mistakes but (what is the saying) to make the same mistakes over and over again and expect a different outcome is useless.

I am a small piece of my son's wreckage. Other family members, his job, his car, his clothes, his dignity, his freedom.....all those fit into one big heap of what was left behind.

Thank you for reminding us we don't have to live that life....we can stand up and be strong and take care of the most important....us.

(((((((hugs)))))))))

K

Lunchlady · #7 09-10-2010, 02:36 PM

Jancy...you are an AMAZING woman....thanx for all your words of wisdom. This has been weighing heavy in my heart and on my mind....only gotten 3 hours sleep in the past 3 days....your message came at the perfect time. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Cottie

Gavin123 · #8 09-10-2010, 02:55 PM

I did step off the tracks and let my son take the wheel. Sometimes I feel I could have stopped the train, but in reality...I couldn't. He is now serving a 15 yr sentence for armed robbery which he made the choice to do. Seems I am still trying to stop the train for him and I need to stop thinking like that. He needs to deal with his circumstances but it's hard to do. He was such a smart boy and got along with anyone, but METH took him down. I still feel like I'm on those tracks waiting for the next train and how to stop it. I guess it will be a while before I let the train go by and walk away but that's me. Thanks for the post...{{{HUGS}}}

bbraysmom · #9 09-11-2010, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jancy

I was driving my son to meet up with the guy taking him to the AA conference. He was telling me how much trouble his boss has because of "the wreckage of his past". I asked what he meant and he said it was like his own life. No drivers license til he is at least 42 (and he is only 27). A pain to ask everyone for rides everywhere, can never take a drive alone in a car listening to music. Huge fines to pay. His boss is deep in debt and works to not lose the home he still has, already lost the wife to his past, struggles with his own 13 yr old son having to go to AA because he is already an alcoholic.

I know Ozzie Osbourne has a movie going called something like the wreckage of my past...and I have to say it is a term that intrigues me.

I used to say stopping my son when he was at his worst was like standing in front of a speeding train trying to stop it. You know, that train went on til it crashed and burned. By that time I was standing beside the tracks, had let it fly by and had gotten out of the way to save myself. Once the train wreck of my son's actions ended in a sad incarceration...all I could do was walk up to the still smoking heap of wreckage and be an onlooker. I did not cause the wreck, could not control the speed or direction, and could not cure the problem.

My son now faces the wreckage he crawled out of...he is doing quite well with it all but his life did not have to be this hard. HIS LIFE. I have some wreckage as well...we all do. But I would never ask YOU to suffer because of choices I have made along the way that you did not even know about and if you knew...you couldn't stop.

I was telling another mom that once I stopped being the opposition and let him go on with his life, my son stopped having someone to fight. I gave him permission to live as he chose, and reminded him that I have that right as well.

We all have 24 hours in every day. Picture that cut into three sections for balance.

~Hopefully we are self preservative enough to use 8 of those hours to sleep, rest and renew.

~Most have to use 8 of those hours or more to make a living, care for children, do duties.

~that leaves 8 waking hours. You might want to set aside an hour or two of that to pray for your child in prison, to gather info to send them, jokes, articles, speak with them on the phone if they call, to talk with support groups or be here on PTO. keep it limited so you do not lose your own life living theirs.

the other 6 or 7 hours could then be used for your other family members, to walk, to read, to do something other than dwell in sadness and pain on things you did not cause and cannot control. that is only 6 or 7 hours out of 24 where you LIVE to the fullest extent you can.

just a suggestion...the wreckage of their lives need not leave you behind in that crumbled heap every blessed hour of your life. they will be healthier if you are healthier. I think we would all agree that we want God to miraculously stop that train, but more often than not, due to a person's free will or due to circumstances, the train roars on. Having a change of heart toward ongoing bad times is a great challenge. If you are in the situation of watching that train, try instead to be strengthened enough to step off the tracks, love yourself enough, honor the life and body you have been given...and give yourself that time each day that is not spent standing there staring helplessly. you deserve that much.

That was so overwhelming for me, thank you so much, you have said in writing what I feel, I will remember those words.

tglsmom · #10 09-11-2010, 05:52 PM

Thank you for such wise words. They really hit home with me. We knew a train wreck was coming and nothing we did could stop it. It was horrible to watch. But I'd like to add that my husband had a different perspective on the train ride when our son was fully into his addiction. He had given up custody of his son, had left many rehabs, etc. and we were at our wits end. My husband would say that we should imagine that we were on a train ride, moving along in our lives and making stops at each station. If our son wanted to join us at any stop along the way, we would welcome him with open arms. If not, then we had to continue on the train ride - living life as fully as we could - hoping that he would join us at the next station but knowing that we couldn't force him to. He did end up in a huge crash, but the best thing that has come of it is that he is making a big effort to join us and we are there to welcome him with open arms.

jancy · #11 09-12-2010, 06:11 AM

tglsmom
that is a very peaceful way of putting it. I too have invited my son to join in my world any time as long as he complies. that is the point-our lives MUST go on whether they join the ride or not. I used to say to him COMPLY COMPLY COMPLY. lol he fought the law and the law won.
he does comply now to what he has to do. It is very good to have him onboard.

wickit · #12 09-12-2010, 11:05 PM

I have thought alot about this and really didn't know what to say. I have been on a collision course myself do to the acts of my boys and for me that meant it involves me. I feel like my boys were the speeding engine and I was the caboose trying to catch up and make the train stop before the crash. I believe it didn't crash because if it had my son who is in jail would have not survived.

bumblebee37 · #13 09-12-2010, 11:12 PM

I love you jancy! You have the best advise and pointers but I don't have the stuff it takes to be that hard.

jancy · #14 09-13-2010, 07:05 AM

BBee-it is not about being hard..it is about being trained to realize your efforts were fruitless..that we cannot control any other human being.

Missymama · #15 09-13-2010, 09:10 AM

Oh thank you Jancy. Thank you, thank you , thank you. I just the other day said that I was on a fast train to hell. Because of your spin on this, I realize that I long ago was on it when it crashed into the heap, and now am buried in the rubble reaching out for the light of day and a helping hand. now I know what to do. Thank you thank you thank you.

MDF1965 · #16 09-13-2010, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bumblebee37

I love you jancy! You have the best advise and pointers but I don't have the stuff it takes to be that hard.

We all have the 'stuff it takes' but sometimes we don't recognize it for what it is.

Jancy, you're a wise woman and we're lucky to have you among us.

God bless all of us.

boflipflops36 · #17 09-13-2010, 09:33 AM

They have to want it for there self! My Grandson just told me last Thursday. I have to want it for me! First! He is getting it, after the crash. I told him I would not be there for the next ride. its time to grow up and take the bull by the horns. I will always Love you but can't do this again. Also told my brother your free will is yours.

tglsmom · #18 09-13-2010, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jancy

tglsmom
that is a very peaceful way of putting it. I too have invited my son to join in my world any time as long as he complies. that is the point-our lives MUST go on whether they join the ride or not. I used to say to him COMPLY COMPLY COMPLY. lol he fought the law and the law won.
he does comply now to what he has to do. It is very good to have him onboard.

jancy - I love your description of our train ride as being "peaceful". I have to admit that it has been a bumpy ride at best - lots of anxiety, fear and sadness. But, it brings home to me that we can either get on "their" train which fully involves us in their drama OR we can take "our" train ride and hope that they jump aboard. I used to say to our son as well - COMPLY - it's either you comply with the rules of society or you comply with the rules of a prison. He chose the rules of the prison while never believing that it would really happen. The law won in his case, too.

We visited him over the weekend. I was, in fact, at the hotel when I responded to your post. He is 500 miles away and it's a pretty large undertaking when we visit. Anyway, we had a great visit on Sat. and Sun., but we did spend some time talking about "trust issues". He wants us to trust him and we can't give him that 100% which I think he understands. We probably never will, actually. But, because he is incarcerated, he is feeling frustrated that he can't show us how much he has changed. We assured him that, even though his choices are limited now, he is doing everything possible to get "on board" and that is very important to us. He is going to NA meeetings, going to church every week, planning on taking a correspondence course, keeping a low profile and - his own words - "following the rules"!! We can't ask for more than that at this point.

I am so looking forward to him being where your son is now and, by the way, I am really impressed with how well your son is doing. I have relayed some of his story to my son and I know that he is impressed as well. I would also like to thank you, jancy, for being such an inspiration to me. Your common sense is invaluable and has helped me remember that my son has to live his own life and that it is just as important that I live mine. I will always be there to love and support him, but I no longer choose to be part of the drama. So - a big THANK YOU for being there!!

jancy · #19 09-13-2010, 07:12 PM

thanks and a heads up that my son still struggles. He is honest and open about his anger and his desire to self medicate til he feels nothing. He knows himself well. addiction is a life long dis-EASE. my son doesn't trust himself ...lol

He expresses himself with tattoos. He loves family, he knows his own son's personality so well and I know he would die for his son if he had to do so. But the sadness that lingers in him is the anxiety, the low self esteem, the impulsivity. He works so hard, 90 degrees outside and he is up on a roof laying shingles. Hard work helps him though. He has to be busy most waking hours or he is edgy.

Thing is, he has been confessing to me more and more of the things I never saw. the AA mtgs bring this out of him. He is ashamed of his past. His father still is abusive by his indifference to my sons. My son will ask his dad if he is busy and he will say no... then my son will ask him if he can pick him up and take him home from work. his dad will say no because he is watching something on TV. Then my son is depressed again because he means nothing to his own father. I tell him to act as if he is dead, but my son goes back time and again to try to get something that resembles love or affection out of his father. He constantly tries to get him to love him. even though he is trying to get water from an empty well.

it is up to my son, I will be dead one day and he will live on long after me so he must get this straight in his head. I used to think I had to shield my sons from this apathy of their father but now I know they must learn who he is on their own. my older son said his dad never calls him for months and months, I hate that this is their father. I understand why they feel inferior at times. My father made me know I was loved and special.

I would be a wreck too if I did not hold the memory of that love inside me.

I do not react to my son's confessions and his sharing. I ask him what he is going to do about how he feels, or I might tell him I am glad he wanted to share that with me. I do not judge or criticize him. he is too old for that. if he chooses to confide in me- I listen. he knows he has choices every day. he pays his bills, cooks their meals and never misses work. underneath is the struggle to be calm.

When I have a moment that worry tries to sneak in, I tell myself that I am not going to think about that right now. Have I told you we are expecting a lil girl any day now?? My son and his gal have set up a lovely lil nursery for her. I saw it today and marveled at the lil crib up that someone passed on to them, the tiny chest of drawers with even tinier sox in it, and even a tiny Christening gown wrapped in plastic hanging on the wall, waiting to be worn.

There is always hope. God's mercy is new each day. Things can change. It is up to our children to choose that. All we can do is pray and watch.

tglsmom · #20 09-13-2010, 11:21 PM

jancy - Congratulations on your granddaughter-to-be. I know this must be an exciting time for you and your son. I can picture the nursery that they have set up and I especially love the idea of "a tiny chest of drawers with even tinier sox in it". There is nothing more special than a new baby. I am sure your son will be a great dad despite his insecurities. He is making progress and that's what's most important now.

Even though my son has always had a good and supportive dad, he suffered from ADD, low self-esteem and anxiety. He still does and that makes prison a little harder for him. I know that his addiction and some of his problems will be part of him forever, but he fights every day to maintain some sense of well-being. Let's hope that our sons will someday begin to believe in themselves and find a way to true happiness.

Ted's mom · #21 09-14-2010, 02:44 PM

Well I haven’t been posting for a while now but still reading every day. I just started to feel like maybe I should quiet down and step aside in case the outcome of my son’s story made others uncomfortable. But reading this post of Jancy’s is just TOO much to pass by. What a beautiful analogy and so so true. It has been nine months since Teddy has been gone and I have to tell you that life looks very different when you step away from the roar of the tracks. Life is truly not meant to be lived with that kind of noise and fear charging at us and looming near. No matter how much we would be willing or how much we want to stop that train there is no way on earth that we have the ability to make it happen. We can only jump aside to save ourselves and the same is true for those we love. They will have to choose to jump aside or jump on board as well. And the thing is that now that the chaos is gone I am able to see how my time and energy and fear didn’t make a difference. In fact it probably only added to his burden. I know he recognized my efforts as love and I have NO doubt that he knew he was loved. But he would have known that without me being so addicted to his addiction and his life. My actions/obsessions did not make him more capable or stronger. I feel comfort in knowing that as the years went on I became better at moving farther and farther away from the track. I can have an (almost) clear conscious that he finally understood that he was in charge of himself. So you might be thinking to yourself, “Well that sounds all fine and dandy but in the end look what happened. I am not willing to take the chance of moving out of the way and ending up like them.” There is no doubt, of course, that I wish things had turned out differently. I would give anything if he could have found a way to comfort himself in this world that would not have taken his life. But I was not the one who had any control over that and it would only have been a bigger tragedy if I and the rest of the family kept getting dragged along under the train with him. And the truth is the train yard is not such a great place to live a life. It is much more beautiful when we walk off into the trees and along the rivers or maybe just sitting on our own porch. So all we can do is look for those lovely places and try to focus on staying there as much as possible. Somewhere I heard someone say that our hearts can be “broken” or they can be “broken open.” I try to remember that as my heart is aching maybe it is opening as well.

amaslow · #22 09-14-2010, 07:05 PM

Ted's mom, so many of us need to read your post everyday.. Detaching is such a struggle!! If we can just do enough, we can save our kids, we think.. Sacrifice ourselves for our troubled kids is the motherly thing to do..God knows I am depleted in a number of ways with no real gain for my child..maybe made him worse..

Thanks for this!!

boflipflops36 · #23 09-14-2010, 07:32 PM

Teds Mom I have missed you and thought often of your loss. We have had our share of parents of PTO members losing Children to drugs . Believing lost her son Chris 36 last week. It is a never ending nightmare for parents to never no when that call will come. You hope and pray they are doing better and just that one time can take them to there death. You all have done the best you knew how and would have stepped in front of that Train had you known. My prayers to all of you and to us who have a child who dabbles in drugs. I hate drugs and alcohol. They are to be feared. Ted Mom come back and talk with us, we love you.