Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

bcziluvm · #1 11-01-2010, 05:59 PM

Well me and my love dated before he went to prison and stopped seeing each other shortly before he went to prison we didn't end on a bad note i just beleived he was lying to me which he was but only a little and things weren't as i thought they were he was actually on the run and going thru alot and we were both young. However i was told alot thru the media and people and since i wasn't in contact with him and i believed he was never coming home i was told he had life without the possibility of parole we were out of contact until about 6 months ago and i kinda asked him a little but only relating to his sentence and he kinda volunteered the info on his case even suggested that i go and look at it, and read through his trial and everything i know he knows that i wont judge him and i want to know just because i don't like being in the blind about stuff especially when it comes to love. He knows me very well and he probably just knew that i wanted to know detail of detail, and he is ok with it. But now i am having the jitters about seriously talking to him about his sentence i know he has appealed his sentence a few times and has gotten denied,so i am really worried about communicating with him about 15 years to life and what that really means and also what will happen if they deny him the first time he sees the parole board which i hear happens to mostly everyone and i am wondering how to really talk to him about it without discouraging him or having him doubt me. Plus i don't want him to be certain he is coming home and if he doesnt' get approved the first time around how to help him prepare for that,how do i prepare for it.

teyesbaby · #2 11-01-2010, 06:39 PM

I not too long ago had to experience something like your situation. I asked myself was i willing to continue this journey another ten yrs. I put everything on the table along with my undying love for hi, our trial and errors then i made my decision. My husband has been gone along time he didn't want to make me wait any longer and i respect the fact that he allowed me to make my own decision whether to stay or to live. Once my decision was made i did some research here on PTO along with talking to a few of the ladies for some insight. Wheter you plan to stay with him or just to remain his friend he will need alot of encouragement, remind him that God has the final say and see what were the parole notes from his hearing that can be improved for when he goes to see them the next time.....I ALWAYS TELL MY HUSBAND THIS JOURNEY ONE DAY WILL COME TO A END AND UNTIL THEN I CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR HAND BE AT YOUR SIDE AND I WILL WALK EVERY STEP WITH YOU AS YOUR WIFE.....

SOLLIAH · #3 11-02-2010, 09:41 PM

My man has done 30 years on a 15 to life sentence. He is always positive. Without hope they give up. An that could be deadly in there. He has to have hope to survive. U cant take that away. He just was denied his writ and he is hurting now. I send extra letters and cute jokes. If u gonna walk do it. But if u going to stay be positive let him have his hope pray and love him strong. But it may be a long ride. So there nothing to talk about. The time does it self. U only do two days in the joint, the day they lock u up and the day u come home. That the only way an inmate survives. We do the years. U have to decide if u can do the time?

bcziluvm · #4 11-02-2010, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LEONLILMAMA

My man has done 30 years on a 15 to life sentence. He is always positive. Without hope they give up. An that could be deadly in there. He has to have hope to survive. U cant take that away. He just was denied his writ and he is hurting now. I send extra letters and cute jokes. If u gonna walk do it. But if u going to stay be positive let him have his hope pray and love him strong. But it may be a long ride. So there nothing to talk about. The time does it self. U only do two days in the joint, the day they lock u up and the day u come home. That the only way an inmate survives. We do the years. U have to decide if u can do the time?

I'm not thinking about walking and i am not trying to take anything away from him either i am not used to this so if i am understanding right you say u are not supposed to talk about his sentence at all, If he has 15 to life but he really really really expects them to grant him parole the first time around AND I PRAY HOPE WISH that that will happen, but I see alot of people that get turned down the first time and I dont' know how to make sure he will be ok and help him so my questions were """ what will happen if they deny him the first time he sees the parole board which i hear happens to mostly everyone and i am wondering how to really talk to him about it without discouraging him or having him doubt me? Plus i don't want him to be certain he is coming home and if he doesnt' get approved the first time around how to help him prepare for that?how do i prepare for it.?""

JKB's Girl · #5 11-02-2010, 10:27 PM

The reality of their sentence lives with them day in and day out. If we are to be in their lives sharing as much as possible, then we also share with them the pain of the sentence, we share with them the joy of the love between us, and we get thru the parole denials together. Acknowledging the very painful hurt and disappointment that goes with them, then we help to pick each other up and get ready for the next go around, always trying to stay positive but acknowledging the bad days as well.

We do talk about the sentence, we share our fears of him never getting out. We have discussed me walking away and him allowing me to walk away knowing he will find me should he ever get out, we have discussed nearly every scenario there is to discuss.

At the end of the discussion is always this one fact that will not go away, no matter how hurt and disappointed we both are over the most recent parole denial and that is this, we love each other and do not wish to be without each other. So.......we weather these storms together and emerge stronger afterwards and more determined than ever to keep on striving for his freedom. Til then we take one day at a time and fill it with all the activities for that day, we log the moments until we see each other again and then for that day, its just the two of us in our own little world despite the fact that there are hundreds more in the room with us. We are oblivious to everyone but each other.

This is how we do this walk. We are preparing for round 9 or 10, I lose count, with the parole board again in March. We now have a new governor, so who knows, maybe this time will be our time.

bcziluvm · #6 11-02-2010, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by teyesbaby

I not too long ago had to experience something like your situation. I asked myself was i willing to continue this journey another ten yrs. I put everything on the table along with my undying love for hi, our trial and errors then i made my decision. My husband has been gone along time he didn't want to make me wait any longer and i respect the fact that he allowed me to make my own decision whether to stay or to live. Once my decision was made i did some research here on PTO along with talking to a few of the ladies for some insight. Wheter you plan to stay with him or just to remain his friend he will need alot of encouragement, remind him that God has the final say and see what were the parole notes from his hearing that can be improved for when he goes to see them the next time.....I ALWAYS TELL MY HUSBAND THIS JOURNEY ONE DAY WILL COME TO A END AND UNTIL THEN I CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR HAND BE AT YOUR SIDE AND I WILL WALK EVERY STEP WITH YOU AS YOUR WIFE.....

Thankyou, he has not seen the parole board yet we still have 3 more years for that but I don't plan on going anywhere I will still be with him i just already accepted that he might or might not get a release date when he goes to the parole board the first time that is something that I had to deal with within myself before I could commit to him honestly and someday really be his wife even if it means i have to marry him in there i prepare myself to be strong and to deal with it but how do I know he will be able to deal with it, will he be able to accept it or will he go crazy or something I don't know,it seems like I just dont want to say those words to him "what if we get denied the first time?", Because i can never say it to myself without tears just immediately GUSHING out my eyes, but i want him to know that It will be ok and I will be here whenever he gets here and ill be there as long as hes there so do i just not say anything and deal with whatever the situation will be when it comes,I'm just worried about him because the closer the time comes for him to be eligible for parole the more exited he gets about coming home in 2014 he was young when he went to prison so they have taken mostly half of his life so how do I prepare to handle his reactions if things don't go the way we want??
or how do I prepare him not to go into SHOCK or something???

bcziluvm · #7 11-02-2010, 10:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKB's Girl

The reality of their sentence lives with them day in and day out. If we are to be in their lives sharing as much as possible, then we also share with them the pain of the sentence, we share with them the joy of the love between us, and we get thru the parole denials together. Acknowledging the very painful hurt and disappointment that goes with them, then we help to pick each other up and get ready for the next go around, always trying to stay positive but acknowledging the bad days as well.

We do talk about the sentence, we share our fears of him never getting out. We have discussed me walking away and him allowing me to walk away knowing he will find me should he ever get out, we have discussed nearly every scenario there is to discuss.

At the end of the discussion is always this one fact that will not go away, no matter how hurt and disappointed we both are over the most recent parole denial and that is this, we love each other and do not wish to be without each other. So.......we weather these storms together and emerge stronger afterwards and more determined than ever to keep on striving for his freedom. Til then we take one day at a time and fill it with all the activities for that day, we log the moments until we see each other again and then for that day, its just the two of us in our own little world despite the fact that there are hundreds more in the room with us. We are oblivious to everyone but each other.

This is how we do this walk. We are preparing for round 9 or 10, I lose count, with the parole board again in March. We now have a new governor, so who knows, maybe this time will be our time.

Thank you, this makes me feel a little bit more comfortable talking to him about it, its not like I have to do it tommorrow so I guess some time before 2014 rolls around I will be able talk to him about it, the only way we talk about it now is the fact that he is up for parole soon and when he goes he will be granted it because he did his 15. We kinda leave out the rest of it.

~ Macy ~ · #8 11-03-2010, 12:57 PM

When it comes to dealing with a lifer there's only so much you and him can do. I would advise you to send him the parole handbook of your state (if you can find it), because it will most likely contain useful information on the process. There's also some really good information in the Canadian section on PTO about how to act during the parole hearing and what kind of questions you can expect. It was written by an inmate and my lifer found it to be super helpful. My lifer and I didn't really talk much about his sentence. I know he was more positive than me. I tried to keep a realistic outlook on his sentence, but kept it to myself. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to be let down, because he needed me to be strong after a denial. I just told him that whatever happened I would still be there and all I asked of him was not to do anything stupid like suggesting I should live my own life.

What your lifer can do is not get (serious) tickets, do every possible program that's available/required, try to get into elite programs/jobs that are only available for the well behaved inmates, seriously study the information you sent him about parole hearings, practise coming up with an answer to questions the parole board might ask him and talk to people who've already been in front of the parole board to learn more about the questions they might ask him. He should have a home plan, a job lined up, a good support system... And then the rest is up to the parole board You cannot control their decision, so make sure you're in control of everything else.

Inhishands · #9 11-03-2010, 05:10 PM

Just let him know that whatever whenever you are still there. Face reality but never give up hope

Irish Girl · #10 11-03-2010, 07:16 PM

If he's been in for 12 years already, I wouldn't worry about talking to him about his sentence as by now he is used to it, as well as used to the fact that they tend to get denied on his first board. Don't worry. Just be you and talk. It's the honesty and trust that you guys can be yourselves with one another that make the relationship work.

SOLLIAH · #11 11-03-2010, 07:51 PM

How in the world do u all think u can prepare or predict his or ur reaction if he is denied. U cant. An do u think he wants to talk over and over I got life. Really? Why not go to the visit kick him and see how he reacts. He was there at the sentence he knows they are not going to grant him parole the first time. But he does want u to tell him that. He may not even react the first time. Talk to him asked him. Inmate feel if that put out defeat it will happen denial. But if u think positive good things will happen. If he does not pull away when he denied then he is strong. Even if the parole board says yea. It means nothing. The gov will probably reverse it. I did not mean u walk but he needs u to believe in him. As hard as that is. A I know it hard as hell mine act like he had the key to the gate and he be here in a minute. An they denied him, he did not call for a day, and he apologize for disappointing me. This is hard he has been turned down by parole for over ten times 3 writs no where. I would have gave up. But he keeps saying I be home soon. Talk to him express ur doubt his reaction will tell u what he truly believes. I believe life sentences is just that. If we take the govenor out the equation it be better. I would never say this to him but I am not sure he will ever be home. I hang on to his hope. I am tired of being disappointed. But he cant stop fighting. An it works for him. He a good person and if he gets out I be here. I pray for him he does. He commit the crime at 20 he just turn fifty. An the use lies to keep them in. I hope and pray urs gets a chance. They convict a women of stabbing her husband in his sleep over a hundred times in 04 they gave her 20 years. She be out in.2014 really. Sorry I am venting and crying. I wish u all the best. Again sorry. Did nt mean to offend.

luv4cali73 · #12 11-04-2010, 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bcziluvm

Well me and my love dated before he went to prison and stopped seeing each other shortly before he went to prison we didn't end on a bad note i just beleived he was lying to me which he was but only a little and things weren't as i thought they were he was actually on the run and going thru alot and we were both young. However i was told alot thru the media and people and since i wasn't in contact with him and i believed he was never coming home i was told he had life without the possibility of parole we were out of contact until about 6 months ago and i kinda asked him a little but only relating to his sentence and he kinda volunteered the info on his case even suggested that i go and look at it, and read through his trial and everything i know he knows that i wont judge him and i want to know just because i don't like being in the blind about stuff especially when it comes to love. He knows me very well and he probably just knew that i wanted to know detail of detail, and he is ok with it. But now i am having the jitters about seriously talking to him about his sentence i know he has appealed his sentence a few times and has gotten denied,so i am really worried about communicating with him about 15 years to life and what that really means and also what will happen if they deny him the first time he sees the parole board which i hear happens to mostly everyone and i am wondering how to veally talk to him about it without discouraging him or having him doubt me. Plus i don't want him to be certain he is coming home and if he doesnt' get approved the first time around how to help him prepare for that,how do i prepare for it.

I saw your post and thought it is very similiar to my situation as well. "Mine" has 13 years to life. He has is going into his 17th year. He was denied once and goes again in March 2010. My first question is: Do you love him?? If you love him then support him by showing him that love. That means..visit if you can or approved, write him, give him legislature info you find that may help me understand the process and how it may change when its his turn. We all (the ladies here) can give you tons of suggestions.. ultimately, the decision is yours and then you need to ask yourself are you strong enough to deal with this??? It is tough. This website makes things alot easier. But its not for everyone.. our men don't understand when they do time, so do we. Mine is incarcerated in CA. From woman to woman, stay encouraged..love him with all you can..and keep him encourage..you are that hope he needs to get him through each day.

It was difficult for my honey to tell me all of his case. Eventually, he did. I know one think the parole board wants to see/feel the remorse. He didn't show that the first time. Now he can clearly talk about his case and involvement..and understand he has to admit his wrongs and accept what he did. Then WE can move on...its healthy to discuss it...and everyone is different..but my baby knows I cant judge him..its not my place..just love him and support him..you should try the same..

Lisacoop · #13 12-15-2010, 09:00 AM

I talk to him about it, he doesn't get upset. I asked him just the other day in our visit. when they told u that u had life w/out parole plus 150 years, how did that make u feel inside. He said that he was so mad that he really had no emotion. He is always positive about his situation, and I never knock him down I am always there to support him. everyday he tells me babe don't worry I will be home soon. I have all the faith in the world that he will be home soon. GOD is good all the time, so i just pray about it and let GOD handle it all.