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naturemama · #1 11-06-2010, 05:54 PM

Hi, I was just curious if any of you had your boyfriend/spouse go to jail as a result of domestic violence against you?

This is soooo hard the state took over pressed charges and requested a no contact rule for us. I literally had no voice and they ignored my plea to even allow phone contact.

I've been thinking about sending a letter to him in a few weeks. We haven't spoken since the last incident and to just stop completely seems unreasonable. The judicial system is forcing couples apart. ( I know safety is a major concern but he cannot hurt me now he's in jail)

If you have experienced this, did you still communicate with your partner while he was in jail despite the 'no contact rule'? Did you write one another?

Thanks.

Hisoneandonly · #2 11-06-2010, 05:58 PM

Never been in that situation. But I do know you and him can end up in even more trouble if you violate the no contact order. Not being mean but maybe use this time to focus on you

Antoines4ever · #3 11-06-2010, 06:04 PM

you can write him thru a third party get someone else to write using their address, but be careful because they read their mail and you could end up in trouble, I'm not trying to be judgmental but why would you want to talk to him? Domestic Violence is serious, I've had to burry a family member behind it. Not to say they can't change but maybe you need two don't need to talk for awhile. He has to change his behavior and way of thinking that made him think it was ok to hit you. Sorry if this comes off as me judging you but it was just my thoughts. Good luck

tnm8 · #4 11-06-2010, 06:07 PM

This should be in the Domestic Violence forum. The state isn't being unreasonable, it is placed there for your safety. It is all just a vicious cycle that will continue you if you let it.

FriscoLady · #5 11-06-2010, 06:41 PM

I will move this to the Domestic Violence forum after I post my response.

And for the record, for the moment I am taking my mod hat off.

Naturemama,

I honestly do not know how to address this. Except to say that for two reasons what you are thinking and been advised to do is not a good idea.

I don't know your situation, frankly I don't want to know it for fear of the memories that it may bring to me. However, the state in the form of it's representatives have apparently thought that there is good reason to bar you and him from contact.

And safety is their major concern and rightfully so. He is in jail now, but in most cases he won't be there for long. What happens when he is released? Is he going to come back and do whatever he did to you again? And believe me when I say that most do.

Not all, but most.

Girl, I don't know you from Eve. But I can tell you this, you are better than letting someone abuse you.

You deserve all the love and kindness in the world, just because you are you. Move on find someone who will love you for who you are and respect you always.

As for writting him now - as someone else noted, that puts you in harm's way with the law too. Don't do it, think of yourself and if you have children think of them too.

I know it is hard to take the path I am advising, however from personal experience I can tell you it leads to better times.

Back to business Mod Hat is back on.

Patti

Crystalmine1 · #6 11-06-2010, 10:20 PM

Sure did and it was a mistake. I used a false name when I wrote to him. It was also a false name when we talked on the phone. The jail could have checked, but they never did and so we got by. Our conversations had to have been recorded so they should have known he was talking to me, but I never got caught for the no contact. He did, but they never did anything about it. I actually got him out of jail when he went in cuz he abused me and I flat out wouldn't testify and I always lied to the prosecutor when I talked to her. Huge mistake! He got out and almost killed me again for the millionth time. That is an exaggeration, but I lost count on how many times he almost did me in. I got away and he has tried to track me down and he can't cuz the people I know watch my back. I am sorry I did what I did for him and I will never do it again. He has been in lock up more since we broke up then ever and I know he is suffering, but that is his problem, not mine anymore. He almost killed me, he degraded me and he hurt me. I do care for him cuz I did love him, but I no longer care enough to put myself in jeapordy. I love myself more and I suggest you do the same. Cut him off and don't contact him cuz it is so not worth it.

nimuay · #7 11-07-2010, 04:56 AM

If you're not "ready to leave yet", then you have to question your own thinking, not the state's.

If that had been a dog who savaged you, you would not be welcoming it back into your life and home.

If it were a stranger who had simply come up to you on the street and started hitting you, you would have pressed charges for assault and so would the state.

And you'd see nothing wrong with avoiding the dog and the stranger with everything in you. But in this case, you're trying to get back to the abuse ASAP. That's what you need to think about - why you would ever allow such a dangerous person around you again in any way.

Throw away the "oh it wasn't that bad", "he's really sorry", "he won't do it again", "but I really love him", "but he really loves me", "but he's my soul-mate". If that's your idea of love, soul-mate and sorry, then you need serious help getting your soul patched up and ready for something healthier.

HisLoveAwaits · #8 11-07-2010, 06:03 AM

Not trying to be judgemental here, but I always wonder why people press charges and then insist on being able to communicate with the abuser.

Take some deep breaths and listen to nimuay, and start loving yourself! Good luck sweety.

naturemama · #9 11-07-2010, 06:37 AM

I *DID* NOT press charges against him, the state did. On the plea bargain on my behalf because I was the victim, I requested phone contact and the prosecutor told me not until he completed his jail sentence.

Like I said I have no voice in this situation and that is hard. You all don't have to agree with it, but it's the way I feel. I didn't stop loving him, only wanted the abuse to stop.

Also. I'm working on why it's so hard to walk away. but really for me personally I didn't stop wanting us to be a family, and YES deep down I hope he's able to see what he's done is wrong and want to be a better man.

FriscoLady · #10 11-07-2010, 06:53 AM

It is not a matter of not agreeing with you. As I said been there, done that.

I loved my ex right up until he broke my nose and left my face in a bloody mess. Really I did not learn even then.

I did not file charges, at that time the state we lived in did not have the option to press charges if I would not. Even in an assault case.

I did not leave him even then. Till I found out that his new sex toy was my then 3 year old daughter, oh yeah!

Then I took my daughter out of the house and it took everything I could not to shoot him.

Oh by the way it took a CPS worker to keep him from filing Parental Kidnap charges against me. I could have gone to prison much earlier than I did, if he had his way over that situation and it would have been for life. As it was I damn near did buy a life bid when it did come to it.

So yeah I have been in you shoes and I am trying hard to keep you from walking a similar path.

As I said I don't know you from eve, but in a way you are me twenty years ago.

I know you can't see it now, I didn't. And I am not saying that your situation will go the same as mine or others.

What I am saying is - why take the chance?

Don't learn the hardway sweetheart, you deserve better.

Patti

naturemama · #11 11-07-2010, 07:02 AM

Patti, gosh I'm sorry your ex did that to your daughter. That is by far unacaceptable and unforgivable.

The pull to be near the abuser is so hard. I'm sure anyone who's experienced abuse would know and understand what I'm saying.

I just want to talk with him. I wonder if he cares or is sorry I guess. I also am not sure if this jail sentence will make him think about what he's done to me the last few years. Will it change his abusive pattern to me? Those are the biggest reasons I want to talk to see what he thinks too, and tell him how I feel.
The actual space has been sort of a relief.

FriscoLady · #12 11-07-2010, 07:10 AM

I know what you mean like many others here, I know exactly what you mean.

What you want to find out believe me is not worth the risk.

I wish I had listened to a wonderful woman who had walked this road long before I did back then.

God Love and protect you kid, you got a rocky road ahead of you. I hope and pray that it is not more than you can deal with.

Patti

**sidewalker** · #13 11-07-2010, 07:46 AM

I think you have been given excellent advice here naturemama.
I can understand your wanting to talk with him. Things feel undone, unsaid.
And I understand that feels frustrating.
But I think your going to have to let it lay. Walk.
Some things are just unknowable.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor? They may be able to help you sort thru your feelings on this.

All the best

nimuay · #14 11-07-2010, 08:20 AM

Hon, I get that you want answers. And I understand that all you want is for the abuse to stop. But - he cannot explain to you why he abuses, why he has the right to run your life. He is simply convinced that he has it. He cannot tell you that he is a narcissist or afflicted with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, because he will not go through the therapy. Therefore, he will not have, or even try to find the answers. And because he will not, he will not stop abusing.

And incidentally, the states have finally started picking up these cases simply because the purpose of the state is to have order and safety for all of its citizens. When they had previously avoided prosecuting intimate abuse it was being uneven in its applications of its laws. Assault is assault, regardless of the relationship of the parties.

coreysgurl05 · #15 11-25-2010, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Patti, gosh I'm sorry your ex did that to your daughter. That is by far unacaceptable and unforgivable.

The pull to be near the abuser is so hard. I'm sure anyone who's experienced abuse would know and understand what I'm saying.

I just want to talk with him. I wonder if he cares or is sorry I guess. I also am not sure if this jail sentence will make him think about what he's done to me the last few years. Will it change his abusive pattern to me? Those are the biggest reasons I want to talk to see what he thinks too, and tell him how I feel.
The actual space has been sort of a relief.

I understand what your talking about and how u feel although my boyfriend is not in prison for DV it is for something else!! we have been together for 5 going on 6 years and yes he has hit me in the past and I still think he can change even though everyone says he won't ! I look at it like this i know i dont deserve a beating no one does but i feel like if everyone gives up on him who will he have ! deep down inside i know the person he is and he can do better and i hope he does cause i do love him and do believe that he has to want to change for him too change !! i hope this helps a little Im new at this but i hope it works out for you !! GOOD LUCK

c_rae · #16 11-26-2010, 12:23 AM

In NC whenever a domestic violence case arrises, the state takes over it. When I was 17 I had an abusive boyfriend. My mother took out charges for the domestic violence as well as a 50B to keep him from contacting me. He spent a few days, maybe a week in jail, then was sentenced to house arrest for 3 or so months.

Lonzo's Lady.. · #17 11-26-2010, 09:29 AM

When my abuser beat the crap out of me the first time I didn't leave...COULDN'T leave because I was 16, flat broke and he had moved us away so I was isolated from everyone I knew and completely dependent on him. I was also a run away and pregnant with my first child...HIS first child. My daughter is now 28 so when the police were called they didn't offer the kind of help, concern and intervention that they provide now, they came to our duplex on a noise complaint and told us to keep it quiet and only talked to him in spite of the fact that I had a bloody nose and busted lip. The second time I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant and his goal was to kill the baby; while he was beating and stomping me in the bathroom of a hotel he told me that was his intent and I knew I HAD TO LEAVE and I did with the paramedics. I ended up with a broken jaw and two broken ribs, I was still in ICU and my jaw was wired shut when I delivered my premature daughter 2 weeks later.
I knew I had to stay away because I honestly believe he meant to kill her and even if I couldn't protect myself my instinct told me I had to save her. He went to prison for 5 years based on his actions and my testimony and I have no regrets. He has never even seen my daughter and I pray he never does. He is now serving a life sentence for child molestation, murder and attempted murder of a police officer and I thank God everyday that he is in TDC. He has sent messages to me and I have never responded I've never ever tried to contact him and I could care less about what he has to say.
There are only two things in life that I fear; #1 HIM and #2 I fear God will not forgive me of my sins because I refuse to ever forgive that man but it's a chance I take because I can't....I won't.
I don't know how severe your abuse was and it should not matter because abuse is abuse. I honestly hope you can find a way to let go before he kills you. I have no advice but I want you to know you are in my prayers...Marcia

bluebella · #18 11-26-2010, 09:03 PM

Yes my now ex husband. He kept calling me and I called the jail and they took the phone away from him. I might add we had many years together after that. For me I thought I needed him, I mistook this for love. Did not think I could make a go of it myself. I came around to the thinking the bad was increasing and it far out weighed the good. The biggest thing we have is power of example and he was doing things I would not tolerate from my children and did not want that as an example. Although he stopped hitting me, it was not healthy or honest. What is there if there is no honesty or respect?

only1love · #19 11-26-2010, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Hi, I was just curious if any of you had your boyfriend/spouse go to jail as a result of domestic violence against you?

This is soooo hard the state took over pressed charges and requested a no contact rule for us. I literally had no voice and they ignored my plea to even allow phone contact.

I've been thinking about sending a letter to him in a few weeks. We haven't spoken since the last incident and to just stop completely seems unreasonable. The judicial system is forcing couples apart. ( I know safety is a major concern but he cannot hurt me now he's in jail)

If you have experienced this, did you still communicate with your partner while he was in jail despite the 'no contact rule'? Did you write one another?

Thanks.

The simple answer to your question is : No! I did not experience him in jail for DV, BUT that is because the laws back then did not protect women.
I lived in the south, in a "good 'ol boy's state" where a man owned his car, his gun, and his woman and he could do as he saw fit with any of those possessions.

I had 26 police reports! That is just the ones I reported. Many were not reported. Sometimes he would rip the phone out of the wall, or I would be knocked out and could not call.

The cops were great! They said things like, "don't let him get too out of control before you call us" and "you live so far out here, you could be esanguanated (bled to death) before we get here." Oh yeah, they were very helpful back then.

He worked in a hospital just like me, and knew the ropes. He found out I was a patient from one of his beatings ( this was pre-HIPAA ) and he managed to find his way into my room. He was wearing a lab coat; stethescope around his neck. He came in my room, got past security by simply saying he was my husband, and well, if my doctor had not come in, he would have finished strangling me!

While I laid in the hospital recovering, he went to the house, and killed my dog! Poisoned her and let her suffer in the heat. Then he released my hand fed baby birds from the aviary and I am sure they all died too.

Convinced yet?

I went home, and went back to work. I petitioned the court to have him "evaluated for mental illness" . The judge refused, and the beatings continued. By this time, my mind was a blur. I was just trying to live from one day to the next and protect my son. I told myself that as long as he never touched that baby I had time.

I thought no one knew. I did not have any neighbors to speak of. He moved me out "to the country" where there was no one. Just me, the alligators and him.

I signed 26 times to prosecute him, and 26 times I went to court. When I would start to cry remembering all that he had done, I lost all credibility in the courts eyes. Nothing happened to him- ever_ unless you count the one day that a judge said to him, "Son, these things happen. You best file for a divorce."

Finally- and I do mean finally - a friend at work who saw beneath the long sleeves and turtle necks, took me aside and said, "enough!" and she called our trauma doc in and said, " Our trauma nurse has been traumatized." and she made phone calls, and then my life changed.

She saved me. The doctors told me exactly what to do because there were no laws to protect me. I wanted to live and I wanted to be free and I wanted to raise my son in a good home. The doctors showed me step by step what to do, and I did it and never looked back. My son was 17 months old.

The cops know that they messed up years ago with women like me. There are laws now. They are thankfully enforced. You want contact with him because you can't see yourself without this life. You don't know any better. I understand. I really, really do. But the laws are there to keep you alive- something that was NOT in place for me.

Don't let your life end up like mine. Let them prosecute the law out of him as many times as it takes. You loved him but he did not love you back. Please listen to those of us who have lived through this!

You deserve to go on with your life in peace.

I left a gorgeous home, acres of land and horses. ( that is what was left of it after his antics) and I moved 1200 miles away. I ended up leaving the state with police escort. The judge that I mentioned earlier ordered that saying it was the least they could do for me since the system failed me.

I started over with nothing except my son and one little parakeet that I think he forgot about. And when I got out and away, my son and I went into intense counseling for many years. You see, you don't just get over this in a day or so. But you can do it. If I can do it, you can do it. I raised my son alone, all alone and I am glad.

Be grateful that your state is concerned and that there are laws in place for you. I would have paid money for protection.

qylaila · #20 11-27-2010, 01:39 PM

I am praying for you!!!

danstedak · #21 11-28-2010, 01:15 AM

I have been in this situation twice. In my first marriage I was mainly emotionally abused. However, when I was 5 months pregnant with our triplets, he pushed me backwards over a couch causing me to lose our son. The two girls survived. I stayed with him and had another daughter. After 10 yrs I finally left him. I was a truck driver and so he got custody of our girls! He is good to them though. I got married a second time in 2007. This time, my husband (at the time) was very good to me for the first 3 months of our marriage. I told him upfront that if he ever hit me it was over. He swore he wouldnt. He was not working, instead he rode on the truck with me, travelling across the country. 3 months into our marriage, we were on my home time, but we stayed in the truck. He jerked me by my throat over the back of the drivers seat into the floor of the sleeper. He beat on me for 4 hours straight. He held a knife to my throat so hard that it had red marks on it. He would put his knee into my throat so hard that I couldnt breathe. When I asked him why he was hitting me, he told me that it was because I loved my truck more than I loved him. I was finally able to get into the convenience store where I was parked without him being with me about 4 hours after he quit beating me. The clerk inside the store called the police department and had me go in the bathroom and lock the door. The police arrested him and the state filed charges. He got a felony out of it and spent almost a year in jail. The judge signed a 10 year restraining order on him so he cannot have contact with me or my kids until 2017. I did not have to testify against him. One thing that helped in my case was the fact that my satellite system in my truck had an emergency button and they had the records to show when I pushed that button to show what time he started abusing me.

I found out that while he was out on parole, he ended up going to prison for doing it to another girl again. So, this tells me that most of these guys do not learn their lesson.

You deserve so much more than that. Please try to get counselling and not have contact with him. He will just tell you what you want to hear, until the next time. He is not going to be honest about it. If he ever loved you truly, he would not be abusing you.

I will be praying for you!

Tami

stephbuckhannon · #22 03-02-2011, 12:41 AM

yep been there done that.. With 3 different men. My soon to be ex husband is in prison for battery family violence 3 counts of child cruelty and obstruction of a 911 call... I hope he ROTS in that prison!! If u were smart u would get out while u still can!!

perduesgirl · #23 03-02-2011, 01:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Hi, I was just curious if any of you had your boyfriend/spouse go to jail as a result of domestic violence against you?

This is soooo hard the state took over pressed charges and requested a no contact rule for us. I literally had no voice and they ignored my plea to even allow phone contact.

I've been thinking about sending a letter to him in a few weeks. We haven't spoken since the last incident and to just stop completely seems unreasonable. The judicial system is forcing couples apart. ( I know safety is a major concern but he cannot hurt me now he's in jail)

If you have experienced this, did you still communicate with your partner while he was in jail despite the 'no contact rule'? Did you write one another?

Thanks.

Hi!? Yes, my BF and I went through a hell of a 6 to 8 months and he was locked up 5 or 6 times I think. It was so hard because I felt guilty and half responsible as well. I guess the laws chnged or something because I visited him almost daily. The prosecutor's office and the cops were pretty irritated with me because I wouldn't speak against him to incriminate. In the end they actually subpeoned me to testify against him or go to jail for contempt. I stood up in court and announced to everyone that I absolutely refused to testify against him so get it over with and do whatever they were going to. Thankfully, everyone just looked at each other with their mouths hanging open, the Judge called for a short recess, and when we came back the prosecutor came up to me informed me that he would be released, several of the charges would be dismissed and he agreed to take a plea for the others, and was that okay with me? Weird, huh?
However, I do not recommend this to all. In my case, he isn't a typical "Batterer" and had no previous history. It was the two of us very dysfuntional upbringings and trying to figure out how to love right. I was damned lucky I didn't go to jail for not co-operating and the odds of a "Batterer" rehabilitating at all is probably less than 1 in every hundred..seriously! Check his past history, okay? If there is domestic violence of any kind back there then I promise you it will remain a part of his future as well. Be careful and take good care!

Free Again · #24 03-02-2011, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by naturemama

Patti, gosh I'm sorry your ex did that to your daughter. That is by far unacaceptable and unforgivable.

The pull to be near the abuser is so hard. I'm sure anyone who's experienced abuse would know and understand what I'm saying.

I just want to talk with him. I wonder if he cares or is sorry I guess. I also am not sure if this jail sentence will make him think about what he's done to me the last few years. Will it change his abusive pattern to me? Those are the biggest reasons I want to talk to see what he thinks too, and tell him how I feel.
The actual space has been sort of a relief.

I think the "pull" is more about wanting, needing, to make sense of a situation that is NEVER going to be really understood. Well, I'm pretty sure thats what it was for me. You think that if one of you can find the right words then you'll both get your "hapiily ever after"....

NOT gonna happen, sorry. Truly, I am sorry, but it REALLY is not gonna happen. What difference does it make if he really cares?. If he really cares and still did this to you, wouldn't that make it WORSE?. He aint gonna sit in jail thinkin how bad HE is, though he will try to convince you that is true. He's going to be thinkin about how to get it right next time...

He doesn't care how you feel either.... He would not be where he is if he did. Whats the point of putting yourself out there to someone who obviously does not care?. You will only set yourself up for dissapointment, OR, more abuse the next chance he gets.

I know I sound bitter, I am not, I am just over it. The rose tinted glasses have been shattered beyond repair. Real life is pretty darn cool without them!!. Use the space, that relief you spoke of, throw down the spectacles, stomp on em and have a wonderful future!!!.

Free Again · #25 03-03-2011, 09:38 PM

Just wanted explain something... The "rose tinted glasses" I'm talking about (the ones you look at HIM through) are the ones that make YOU feel guilt over what he has done to you. That worry over what you did to upset him. That cause you to believe he must have some deep seated pain that makes him treat you the way he did that you think is your job to fix for him.... Etc... etc... and so on.... ( You know, the C**P that causes us to keep trying when there is NO POINT!!).