Questions for the parents with children doing long sentences

[szcunane]

I wrestle with the same feelings - (i'm 55 - my son got 20 years - in VA there is no parole - -only "good time" which means he'll do 17 - --we just finished 1 year (well - one year since his arrest - he still has 16 & 1/2 years . . .release date August 2027) . ..and that is almost incomprehensible to me. He will be 50 when he gets out - - -and me, I know the scriptures say, "not to borrow trouble from tomorrow that each day has enough of it's own" .. .and I admit I worry about today and tomorrow - - and I stay stuck in the WHY? I don't understand mode . . .and I have felt very alone - this site has really helped ... .to realize that other moms feel this way makes me feel not so crazy - -not so obsessed what i am learning is that i just need to love my son and do what i need to do to survive. I think if i died tonight my husband would put money on the books for my son, but never write a letter, send a card . .maybe not even visit . ..not because he doesn't love our son, but because this is how he deals with it, i need to accept that. My marriage is suffering, and friendships not as strong, I grow tired of putting on the happy face for others. I don't want anyone else to say "it is what it is" (even if it is) . . so, i guess what I want to say is that this is an individual journey - we all deal with it in different ways and I have found this to be a place to learn, vent, ask questions, hear wisdom from those who have walked this path. I have prayed for you - for peace (so hard to obtain) for rest, for courage and strength. Life will probably never be "great" or "terrific" again . . but I think, I hope it will be okay. for all of us who love our kids.

[keith74mom]

Thank you- I often think I have to survive and live a long time because no one will support my son like I do.

[Tracy147]

Originally Posted by jancy

I do not have a son in prison any more. My thought is this:
my sons will have to face me dying one day. No matter where they are. As adults I cannot set up other adults to care for them. I hope that I have taught them to be survivors no matter where they are. We all become orphans one day. We have to learn to live without parents. Your son will always have His father God who will never leave him or abandon him in prison or not.

Very well said, and very much agreed.

[mom981]

I also have a son in prison. He is facing a 5 yr. sentence. I know that is alot shorter than some.It feels an eternity to me. I went through all the phases of grief. I am pretty sure I emotionally collapsed at one point. I broke out in shingles, couldnt stop crying, and felt there was no where to turn. I am scared for him. He has put in for shock but the judge wants 30 days to consider it. That 30 days is tommorow. It wasn't filed until the 4th. so we wait to hear. Its be equally or possibly more so frustrating and sad for his son. He is 6 and ADHD. We,as in the whole family, has banded together to help and we stand together to support him. We take turns going to the jail that he is in. We are lucky that it is in our same county. I think what is worse is he is scared of getting shock or parole.He be will like a bug in a jar. They will watch him for crossing the street wrong and he will go back in.our good ol boy system here will most likely do just that.Others involved in his case walk free because of connection to that system. I can hear your whatever and oh sure from here. Its hard when noone believes you. I have papers from discovery to prove it. More so to prove the crooked system we have our ex Commonwealth Atty was indicted by the FBI. on march 1st. We little guys do win sometimes. I can only hope they clean up the rest. I have faith in our newly elected Commonwealth Atty. I hope it is not misplaced. I know our kids will be okay without us but I cant stop the worry.I know it all happens for reasons we dont understand. if God brought us to it he will bring us through it. This forum helped me get through all this. The steps of grief that I found posted here really helped me realize I am not crazy.Theses are normal feelings that I am having. I thought I was for awhile.The Take heart in knowing when you need your family support the most they will be there.waiting and not knowing is the hardest.

[dutchgirl1]

Originally Posted by mom981

I also have a son in prison. He is facing a 5 yr. sentence. I know that is alot shorter than some.It feels an eternity to me. I went through all the phases of grief. I am pretty sure I emotionally collapsed at one point. I broke out in shingles, couldnt stop crying, and felt there was no where to turn. I am scared for him. He has put in for shock but the judge wants 30 days to consider it. That 30 days is tommorow. It wasn't filed until the 4th. so we wait to hear. Its be equally or possibly more so frustrating and sad for his son. He is 6 and ADHD. We,as in the whole family, has banded together to help and we stand together to support him. We take turns going to the jail that he is in. We are lucky that it is in our same county. I think what is worse is he is scared of getting shock or parole.He be will like a bug in a jar. They will watch him for crossing the street wrong and he will go back in.our good ol boy system here will most likely do just that.Others involved in his case walk free because of connection to that system. I can hear your whatever and oh sure from here. Its hard when noone believes you. I have papers from discovery to prove it. More so to prove the crooked system we have our ex Commonwealth Atty was indicted by the FBI. on march 1st. We little guys do win sometimes. I can only hope they clean up the rest. I have faith in our newly elected Commonwealth Atty. I hope it is not misplaced. I know our kids will be okay without us but I cant stop the worry.I know it all happens for reasons we dont understand. if God brought us to it he will bring us through it. This forum helped me get through all this. The steps of grief that I found posted here really helped me realize I am not crazy.Theses are normal feelings that I am having. I thought I was for awhile.The Take heart in knowing when you need your family support the most they will be there.waiting and not knowing is the hardest.

mom... I know how hard this is for you. and I do know about not having a good attorney. my son had a pd who did absolutely nothing on his case, only saw him 3-4 times in the 2 yrs in county awaiting a trial, coersed him into taking a plea of 25-life. there is very little evidence against him on a conspiracy to murder. yes the gun was his, he lent it out (bad) and he knew both the victim and the perp. the perp is in for life no parole. the perps gf was there at the time of the murder, even boasting that she was part of it, yet she walked free. no one ever said my son was involved, yet he sits for conspiracy to murder.
my son was never given the benefit of ''innocent until proven guilty'' - they said he did it so that is what he was charged with.
we hope a day comes when we can find a pro bono to take a look at his case and maybe drop some time.
he has kids who miss him extremely. not to mention mom and dad.

hugs and prayers for you.
d'gal

[mom981]

Originally Posted by dutchgirl1

mom... I know how hard this is for you. and I do know about not having a good attorney. my son had a pd who did absolutely nothing on his case, only saw him 3-4 times in the 2 yrs in county awaiting a trial, coersed him into taking a plea of 25-life. there is very little evidence against him on a conspiracy to murder. yes the gun was his, he lent it out (bad) and he knew both the victim and the perp. the perp is in for life no parole. the perps gf was there at the time of the murder, even boasting that she was part of it, yet she walked free. no one ever said my son was involved, yet he sits for conspiracy to murder.
my son was never given the benefit of ''innocent until proven guilty'' - they said he did it so that is what he was charged with.
we hope a day comes when we can find a pro bono to take a look at his case and maybe drop some time.
he has kids who miss him extremely. not to mention mom and dad.

hugs and prayers for you.
d'gal

We finally got some property of his back tonight. Thanks to the New Comonwealth Atty. Not all. But it took a year to get this much from the detectives and pd. It was only because ordered to do so.We were sent 3 locations to get it after being postponed an hour. This Detective is on a power trip.He would tell us come get property and not be there to meet us or say sorry we are waiting on this one or waiting on that one. for a year. He said so many unneccesary hateful things to us. Told my husband to shut his mouth because he asked why he never returned our calls.Then he said he thought everything should haver been forfeited. He then let us know he only gave it back so my little grandson would have his DS. Its been a YEAR. Now he wants the little boy to have his game back. When I asked where rest of his property was located he said that is all of it. THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART is they kept our video camera with my grandsons very first steps. on and on it went. he was so mad. they had already boasted of auction plans. I asked him how many times my sons apartment had been searched. He said exactly two. Once when my son said it was ok to do it and the next with a search warrant when he was in jail. I am not a mean person. I am however a stressed out mother and I had about enough of him at this point. I said i have video of the pd in his apt. two other times. He was PISSED. Sorry...I really do have video. So that is four times. The neighbors saw them entering on at least 4 other occasions. Now we are up to 8. Even if you give or take one its still more than Exactly Two. He wanted to know names of officers. told him i didnt know but you can see thier faces and police cars on the video. Yep, he decided that if I was accusing him of theft he was keeping the property instead of giving it back.???? okayyyy Because coulkd be stolen. I said well we have receipts. He said he would keep it to itemize it then. Anyway long story short ..I have the video of officers. He has camera with my grandsons first steps. My son is in jail. No word on shock.Nobody can say how long judge will take.Judge said he will tell us in 30 days. lawyer says he should have 10 days to decide. everyone else says it is up to the judges discretion. noone will contest him. fear of reprisal. My son is scapegoat. All of it is blamed on the crooked ex Commonwealth Atty. Please pray for my son and all the rest of us. Its hard when you dont know the laws and which way to go or who to believe.They keep changing the rules of the game. My son says its okay mom thery cant keep me forever. But it hurts like forever.

[mom981]

sorry such a long post. I couldnt stop when I finally turned it all loose.

[mom981]

Originally Posted by dutchgirl1

mom... I know how hard this is for you. and I do know about not having a good attorney. my son had a pd who did absolutely nothing on his case, only saw him 3-4 times in the 2 yrs in county awaiting a trial, coersed him into taking a plea of 25-life. there is very little evidence against him on a conspiracy to murder. yes the gun was his, he lent it out (bad) and he knew both the victim and the perp. the perp is in for life no parole. the perps gf was there at the time of the murder, even boasting that she was part of it, yet she walked free. no one ever said my son was involved, yet he sits for conspiracy to murder.
my son was never given the benefit of ''innocent until proven guilty'' - they said he did it so that is what he was charged with.
we hope a day comes when we can find a pro bono to take a look at his case and maybe drop some time.
he has kids who miss him extremely. not to mention mom and dad.

hugs and prayers for you.
d'gal

Isnt there somewhere we can turn? someone who will listen?? I pray all the time because I know its in his hands. But I feel like I should do SOMETHING , ANYTHING. how can they walk away free. when they should be the ones sent away. I am so sorry that you and your family are going thru this.Write me anytime. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[dutchgirl1]

mom, I know about the property thing. when my son was arrested he & gf (mom of 2 of his kids) had broken up but he had been going over there a lot to see kids and trying to win her back. the cops went in and did a 'search' and ended up taking her income tax money that she had just gotten ( bye bye rent & food), and said it was drug money. she never got that back. my son just prior won some money at casino...had the receipt ... nope cops took it - said it was drug money.
it took me almost 2 yrs to get his property...a couple wathces, a video camera... which apparently someone used to film the building of a house and dog training. nothing left of son and family on a car trip.

I guess unless you are 'somebody' important, nothing matters but what they say.
my son didnt even get to voice his side - he was guilty because they said he was.
the local newspaper never gave him the benefit of the doubt. guilty. nothing more, nothing less.

I have a resource that I am going to look into to try and find someone to take his case and at least try to reduce the sentence.
but all in all, it is in Gods hands. when He says it is time, my son will come home.
we just lean on Him and trust Him thru this journey.

hugs
d'gal

[conager]

I am just catching on this thread. my daughter is looking at 30 years...and I will be 75 when she gets out. Ofcourse that is 30 years for the one count. She has 32 other counts. I am thinking of putting my property in her name. It is only an acre of land and a trailer (if the trailer does not get blown down by the winds here!) so at least she will have something. I tend to prepare for the worst. It is better than having my hopes crushed.

[backlash1]

I'm in the same boat that you are in. When my son got arrested 3 years ago and ended up with 2 life sentences and I don't even know how many years. He's only 21 and hasn't even begin life. Will he ever get out. Will he have a life? I'm so scared what is going to happen. I just keep praying asking the lord for help and guidance.

[rkered]

My son is in for 23 years. We are just a typical middle class family, I teach school, we always go to church.....