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Mrs.Bradley8732 · #1 12-21-2010, 07:17 PM

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old together.. he was just sentenced to 10 years last month .... everything was fine until this pass friday I was out with my friend her two kids and my son and my man called and knew that I was out with her. Now I get a letter in the mail stating that he doesn't want to stress about trusting me... He knows I want to ride this thing out with him but he said that it kills him with all the worry about am i doing the right thing out here. I am so hurt right now i don't know what to do.. I love this man to death and he is all I know.. He just wants to be friends and states that he is going to start calling only once a week and take me off the visit list right now until he is moved to whatever fed camp he is going to and then once he gets there only seeing me once a month there... Is he just venting cause he is jealous that Im free and he is not... Is this a phase that he is going through???? I am just so hurt right now... or do i just accept it and leave??? Any advice?

JerseySeagull · #2 12-21-2010, 07:21 PM

Unfortunately, they ALL go through this. Between what goes on in their own heads and the crap the other guys put in their heads, this is what happens. Just keep doing what you're doing. The only way to reassure him is to just be there and do what you say you're gonna do. Write about your everyday issues, visit when/if you can and just keep telling him you love him. He'll start trusting again. It's hard on them (and us too).
Good Luck and Breath

ohhayitskk · #3 12-21-2010, 07:25 PM

I think give him a chance, but level with him, and if he doesn't learn to trust you while he's in, that's his problem, not yours.

SexyChef1 · #4 12-21-2010, 07:26 PM

Yup just jawing off! His wound is still fresh my babee. He's in a place where "Dear Sancho" letters roll in daily 10years is a long time and he's trying to ease the hurt before it could possibly happen. This is very common during the beginning of a bid. Stay consistent show him u will ride this rollercoaster with him. He'll come around trust that.

DaMeS_GiRl88 · #5 12-21-2010, 07:31 PM

OMG!!!!!! im so sick of seeing these threads with these cry baby ass men. sorry no ofense to but its like dang just cuz he is on lockdown for the next 10 years you don't have to be on lockdown yourself its already bad enough that you have to go without a love life for that long and he wanna whine about you hanging out.have you ever cheated on him in the past? all i know is he might wanna re think his decision and stop listening to them dumb ass inamtes just cuz they got hoes for girlfriends. i had to tell my bf that same thing to be coming at me with that shit i will let yo ass rot in that priosn by yourself for the next 2 years

Mrs.Bradley8732 · #6 12-21-2010, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaMeS_GiRl88

OMG!!!!!! im so sick of seeing these threads with these cry baby ass men. sorry no ofense to but its like dang just cuz he is on lockdown for the next 10 years you don't have to be on lockdown yourself its already bad enough that you have to go without a love life for that long and he wanna whine about you hanging out.have you ever cheated on him in the past? all i know is he might wanna re think his decision and stop listening to them dumb ass inamtes just cuz they got hoes for girlfriends. i had to tell my bf that same thing to be coming at me with that shit i will let yo ass rot in that priosn by yourself for the next 2 years

No I have never cheated on him... and I feel you ... they say we got it easy because we are free but if your heart is with that person then we have it just as hard as they do... Plus we have to be the single mother out here while they are gone.... The bitchassness just came too early for me and caught me off guard...

DaMeS_GiRl88 · #7 12-21-2010, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.Bradley8732

No I have never cheated on him... and I feel you ... they say we got it easy because we are free but if your heart is with that person then we have it just as hard as they do... Plus we have to be the single mother out here while they are gone.... The bitchassness just came too early for me and caught me off guard...

yes so true i know for a fact cuz iam a single m other myself until he bring his ass home. i think its apart of the prison thing cuz most guys feel that thier girl isn't going to wait and maybe since its a long time and you gonna bail but i think you should write and tell him to calm down

Mrs.Bradley8732 · #8 12-21-2010, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaMeS_GiRl88

yes so true i know for a fact cuz iam a single m other myself until he bring his ass home. i think its apart of the prison thing cuz most guys feel that thier girl isn't going to wait and maybe since its a long time and you gonna bail but i think you should write and tell him to calm down

When i felt he acting this way this weekend I wrote him three letters and sent them off yesterday... as of 8:00 pm tonight he hasn't gotten them yet.. hopefully he should have gotten them between then and now since they do mail run at night... hopfully he realizes what he has done after he reads them...

mrsmapp · #9 12-21-2010, 08:21 PM

i agree with the ladies above..... ten years is a long time, you have to live your life too, there's no reason for both of you to be prisoners. I'm MWI with someone I already had a relationship with many years ago. We are in our 50s, so our reality check is more realistic than most. I was dating when he and I started writing... we have fallen back in love and I still date ... not much, but sometimes I want to go out to dinner or dancing or whatever. I haven't slept with anyone in a while (since I realized I was back in love with my guy) and I dont really have any intention to. But, my guy was like: "you do you ... you can have a "grace period" til 3 months before I come home. Jealousy for us in our situation is a waste of energy...." and that's why I love that man! He's realistic, thoughtful, mature and secure.

nadiamecca · #10 12-21-2010, 08:31 PM

I feel you yesterday I was on cloud nine mine sent me 40 christmass cards saying he wanted to make up for every crappy christmass. I was so happy I cried it was so romantic. Then this morning I get a call from him curseing me out saying he did not like a letter I wrote something about me saying I was talking too some guy? HUH I have no clue what he is talking about! I sent a letter saying I was at work and a guy came in and was getting on my last nerve and how happy I was I had him in my life that he is all I think about! He somehow twisted to sound as if I was out here having fun with men. I got so mad but I cannot even express how I feel because the damn phone cost 3.00 for every 20 minutes and how are you going to argue with someone that you only have 20 minutes to talk and who knows when you will be able to talk again. This life is stressfull on us

Rejoice. . . · #11 12-21-2010, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.Bradley8732

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old together.. he was just sentenced to 10 years last month .... everything was fine until this pass friday I was out with my friend her two kids and my son and my man called and knew that I was out with her. Now I get a letter in the mail stating that he doesn't want to stress about trusting me... He knows I want to ride this thing out with him but he said that it kills him with all the worry about am i doing the right thing out here. I am so hurt right now i don't know what to do.. I love this man to death and he is all I know.. He just wants to be friends and states that he is going to start calling only once a week and take me off the visit list right now until he is moved to whatever fed camp he is going to and then once he gets there only seeing me once a month there... Is he just venting cause he is jealous that Im free and he is not... Is this a phase that he is going through???? I am just so hurt right now... or do i just accept it and leave??? Any advice?

Ok, I may be hard core, tired of prison crap, or just tired of men acting like babies not wanting to own up to their wrong deeds and dealing with the consequences of their actions like MEN. . . Lol. . . But, I'm sorry. If my husband did/said this, I'd let him do what he has to do and I'd take care of me. I have little to no sympathy for a man who would continue to stress their significant other or make them feel bad in any way after going through this prison stuff If you were saying you couldn't do this bid and he was saying he wanted to let you go, that'd be a different story. What it sounds like to me (JMO), is that's he's being selfish and thinking SOLELY about himself. Many of our men are in the predicaments they are in because they were only thinking about themselves. It might be a phase, who knows? I personally wouldn't want to participate in his pity party. He needs to trust you. You did nothing wrong as far as I can tell. You should be able to live your life and have fun. He's the one who broke the law. If it were me, I'd say "ok, do what you gotta do." End of story.

Rejoice. . . · #12 12-21-2010, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaMeS_GiRl88

OMG!!!!!! im so sick of seeing these threads with these cry baby ass men. sorry no ofense to but its like dang just cuz he is on lockdown for the next 10 years you don't have to be on lockdown yourself its already bad enough that you have to go without a love life for that long and he wanna whine about you hanging out.have you ever cheated on him in the past? all i know is he might wanna re think his decision and stop listening to them dumb ass inamtes just cuz they got hoes for girlfriends. i had to tell my bf that same thing to be coming at me with that shit i will let yo ass rot in that priosn by yourself for the next 2 years

Amen! I thought I'd be the only one with this opinion.

Mrs.Bradley8732 · #13 12-21-2010, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edmimylove

I feel you yesterday I was on cloud nine mine sent me 40 christmass cards saying he wanted to make up for every crappy christmass. I was so happy I cried it was so romantic. Then this morning I get a call from him curseing me out saying he did not like a letter I wrote something about me saying I was talking too some guy? HUH I have no clue what he is talking about! I sent a letter saying I was at work and a guy came in and was getting on my last nerve and how happy I was I had him in my life that he is all I think about! He somehow twisted to sound as if I was out here having fun with men. I got so mad but I cannot even express how I feel because the damn phone cost 3.00 for every 20 minutes and how are you going to argue with someone that you only have 20 minutes to talk and who knows when you will be able to talk again. This life is stressfull on us

They are really being selfish and only thinking one way and that is their way and only thier feelings... now i got a call an hour ago talking about he was just testing me... I really let his ass have it then cause i am nothing to be played with and he knows that... I think he was just trying to cover up him putting his foot in his mouth... Now he is trying to be all nice like nothing ever happened... I am so over the games.... He knows better than that his lil celly must be telling him things cause he

Hisoneandonly · #14 12-21-2010, 09:23 PM

It is just a stage, but it is something he himself is going to have to deal with. You shouldn't and hopefully wont sit at home for the next 10 years doing nothing...it may help him and you so you don't go through feelings of guilt when you miss the calls...to schedule calls...atleast that works for us..Every now and then he'll call on an unscheduled one lol and usually something is up...but if I miss it, well no big deal b/c he knew that I wouldn't be expecting it so I might not be home. To help him out, I do send him my work schedule weekly and what I am planning on doing, not that I do alot other than work and the kids stuff...But I tell him if I am planning on going out with friends, or shopping with my mom. They do have guys in there constantly telling them shit about what their gf's or wives did. I would give him one but be sure you let him know how it makes it you feel and you don't appreciate it and you can't stop living life b/c he is locked up...then if he keeps it up might be time for tough love.

**LeBeau** · #15 12-21-2010, 09:42 PM

Man... I'd last about ten minutes with this kind of stuff. I don't deal with having my integrity questioned and I certainly would not deal with the insecure, selfish, insulting, faithless bulls*** I see so often in threads here.
I'm sorry he's treating you like that but you have to nip this in the bud... you can't put yourself in a self imposed prison just so he won't wonder....If he can't manage to remember that HE knows who you are way better than any s**t stirrer in there runnin' his mouth about women runnin' around, that's on him and you should not change who you are and what you do so he can try to convince fools who don't matter... you'll resent it, he'll come to expect you to just accept whatever outrageous limit crosses his mnd and then you'll both wonder where the fun, the respect and the intimacy went... I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep in the last 30 hours, so I'm not sure I'm expressing this clearly but please- Do not give up being you in order to try to ease his silly ass fears (he should know better- I swear those men are worse than high school girls about gossip and the like).

aprild1967 · #16 12-21-2010, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edmimylove

I feel you yesterday I was on cloud nine mine sent me 40 christmass cards saying he wanted to make up for every crappy christmass. I was so happy I cried it was so romantic. Then this morning I get a call from him curseing me out saying he did not like a letter I wrote something about me saying I was talking too some guy? HUH I have no clue what he is talking about! I sent a letter saying I was at work and a guy came in and was getting on my last nerve and how happy I was I had him in my life that he is all I think about! He somehow twisted to sound as if I was out here having fun with men. I got so mad but I cannot even express how I feel because the damn phone cost 3.00 for every 20 minutes and how are you going to argue with someone that you only have 20 minutes to talk and who knows when you will be able to talk again. This life is stressfull on us

Yes, I totally agree, this life is not for the weak! Although at times I feel very weak and insecure. Some times we argue over the stupidest shit...then other times we have our phone sex or whatever you may want to call it...other times he is so sweet and romantic, it can bring me to tears! The emotional roller coaster keeps me on my toes for sure!!!

jy_ty · #17 12-21-2010, 10:51 PM

First of all if I were going to be gone that long I wouldn't even want my significant other to wait on me, nor would I expect it. However, if he decided that's what he wanted to do I would consider it a HUGE blessing and give him my complete trust. What ticks me off is that a lot of these guys wouldn't have the strength that we have to remain faithful and dedicated, if the roles were reversed. If my guy said something like this to me, I would give him exactly what he was asking for... no visits, no money, no phone calls, no letters just pure emptiness. Guaranteed that would drive them NUTS in there because silence is an unforseen killer! You are a trooper in my book by even considering doing this 10yr bid with him and I admire you for that. Remain focused and true because your word is all you have BUT, should this behavior continue you might have to show him tough love to straighten him out! Good luck to you and we're in this together... all of us!!

qylaila · #18 12-21-2010, 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.Bradley8732

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old together.. he was just sentenced to 10 years last month .... everything was fine until this pass friday I was out with my friend her two kids and my son and my man called and knew that I was out with her. Now I get a letter in the mail stating that he doesn't want to stress about trusting me... He knows I want to ride this thing out with him but he said that it kills him with all the worry about am i doing the right thing out here. I am so hurt right now i don't know what to do.. I love this man to death and he is all I know.. He just wants to be friends and states that he is going to start calling only once a week and take me off the visit list right now until he is moved to whatever fed camp he is going to and then once he gets there only seeing me once a month there... Is he just venting cause he is jealous that Im free and he is not... Is this a phase that he is going through???? I am just so hurt right now... or do i just accept it and leave??? Any advice?

Like the other ladies have stayed this is a common trend in the minds of inmates. I mean you can look at it two ways, you can keep reassuring him and doing all that you can then more so you can prove your love to him, or you can do what I'd do.... I'd give him what he wants, I am a woman who doesn't believe in darkening a doorstep when you don't want me standing there. So if he was to do all of what he said he was going to do in this letter to me then so be it. I would except it for what it is and still let him know I love him but I wouldn't be showering him with reassurance because he has to see it with his own to eyes that you will be faithful to him, love him, and hold him down. Until he does that there's not much you can do. If he really wants to be with you and loves you as you love him then with the powers to be things will fall in place for you both, but if not then you have to keep pushing on.

Temeron0926 · #19 12-22-2010, 12:14 PM

You have been with him for 5 years and all of the sudden he is giving you the "let's just be friends while I am in here" bull???? Tell him to grow a set and grow up! He is in prison, he is NOT on vacation! HE got himself there, you didn't!! Does he really expect you to not go anywhere and not do anything because he is not there? I really don't care that "they all go throught this, they are insecure, they hear a lot of bull from other inmates" who gives a flying fu**! He is a man, tell him to act like one! Don't let him get away with this kind of behavior. Remember: WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!!! If you let him get away with this, you are teaching him that it is ok to treat you like you are just someone he knows, not someone he is supposed to love! Good luck!

LittleWing13 · #20 12-22-2010, 12:26 PM

I would take him right up on that....but that's me.

You will try to ease his insecurities, but just remember, he made his own choices, and you deserve the same freedom.

samanb1213 · #21 12-22-2010, 12:26 PM

He needs reassurance from you. He is just freaking out. My man going through the same thing. It's not easy. I did cheat on mine before I decided to give him all of me we are MWI. He tells me to stay the F away from other guys and I tell him to stay the F away from them CO's and other inmates giving him problems. Together you will work it out. Sounds like you got to reason with him. He loves you if he's that jealous. No you tell him how it's gonna be. I am straight up with my man. You got to have honesty if you are gonna make it. He told me recently that he needs to hear me say I am not gonna leave him and I love him. So just keep saying it. Your man needs to hear it. Every letter put it in there, till he learns. He's worried about you leaving him. Reassure your baby. At least he is telling you how he feels. I love mine but he is going through a hard time and that's why he is a baby.

nakeisha99 · #22 12-22-2010, 12:44 PM

Is it a phase?

Possibly, it's very common. My husband tried to do the same thing. No amount of talking will fix this. Your actions will speak volumns. Just prove to him that you love him by being there. Men incarcerated hear tons of stories, this makes them very insecure. Just remember he's in jail, and you're not. Continue to live your life. That was a mistake I made at 18 years old when my man was arrested. My whole world revolved around around him. I'm 29 now and I know better. So do you

, if he really loves you, trust me he'll come around.

P.S. Don't let anyone tell you it's crazy to wait or selfish of him to expect that from you. You know what's best for you. I've been waiting for 11 years now and I have no regrets. Love overcome all obstacles and our lives don't stop because there incarcerated. In fact, their's don't stop neither.

Mrs.Bradley8732 · #23 12-22-2010, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nakeisha99

Is it a phase?

Possibly, it's very common. My husband tried to do the same thing. No amount of talking will fix this. Your actions will speak volumns. Just prove to him that you love him by being there. Men incarcerated hear tons of stories, this makes them very insecure. Just remember he's in jail, and you're not. Continue to live your life. That was a mistake I made at 18 years old when my man was arrested. My whole world revolved around around him. I'm 29 now and I know better. So do you

, if he really loves you, trust me he'll come around.

P.S. Don't let anyone tell you it's crazy to wait or selfish of him to expect that from you. You know what's best for you. I've been waiting for 11 years now and I have no regrets. Love overcome all obstacles and our lives don't stop because there incarcerated. In fact, their's don't stop neither.

Thank you ... This that was very encouraging especially that you were that young when he went in and you are still together....

That really gives me a better out look than what I had.. Thank you and my hat goes off to you...

bremariie · #24 12-22-2010, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.Bradley8732

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old together.. he was just sentenced to 10 years last month .... everything was fine until this pass friday I was out with my friend her two kids and my son and my man called and knew that I was out with her. Now I get a letter in the mail stating that he doesn't want to stress about trusting me... He knows I want to ride this thing out with him but he said that it kills him with all the worry about am i doing the right thing out here. I am so hurt right now i don't know what to do.. I love this man to death and he is all I know.. He just wants to be friends and states that he is going to start calling only once a week and take me off the visit list right now until he is moved to whatever fed camp he is going to and then once he gets there only seeing me once a month there... Is he just venting cause he is jealous that Im free and he is not... Is this a phase that he is going through???? I am just so hurt right now... or do i just accept it and leave??? Any advice?

He is just having one of his moments he knows that he is going to be away for a while and you have ur freedom sure he is going to wonder and everything its perfectly normal but you need to see him face to face and let him know ur true feelings about this situation and maybe you can help him better underdtand!

MrsDB · #25 12-22-2010, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs.Bradley8732

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old together.. he was just sentenced to 10 years last month .... everything was fine until this pass friday I was out with my friend her two kids and my son and my man called and knew that I was out with her. Now I get a letter in the mail stating that he doesn't want to stress about trusting me... He knows I want to ride this thing out with him but he said that it kills him with all the worry about am i doing the right thing out here. I am so hurt right now i don't know what to do.. I love this man to death and he is all I know.. He just wants to be friends and states that he is going to start calling only once a week and take me off the visit list right now until he is moved to whatever fed camp he is going to and then once he gets there only seeing me once a month there... Is he just venting cause he is jealous that Im free and he is not... Is this a phase that he is going through???? I am just so hurt right now... or do i just accept it and leave??? Any advice?

I am going through something similar and he told me he thinks we should be friends and might get back together when he comes out. I am hurt by what he says but like many other women on here have said tell him you love him whenever you can so he can get it through his head and start to trust you again.