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Tried&True · #1 01-04-2011, 10:31 AM

I've only been writing a few inmates for a few months and already find that I need some advice.

I first started writing a guy I call "Shadow" just to be a friend to hopefully a nice guy who would feel less alone to have a regular penpal. I wasn't looking to "meet" anyone romantically or anyhting like that. I didn't expect it to happen, but I became very fond of Shadow pretty quickly and since I promised I would always be upfront and not play games, I told him I was starting to develope feelings for him.

After an unsusualy long time between letters, I heard back for Shadow. He said my "news" surprised him and caused him to take a step back. Mind you, I made no demands or any other kinds of expectations.

Out of nowhere I got a letter from another inmate in the same facility who said he is also a gay man who is good frinds with Shadow. The new inmate said Shadow gave him my info becaese "he wanted you to meet someone nice in here." Shadows hasn't written in just over a month and his last letter said nothing about the new guy or anything alse beyond some general chit chat.

So. question is, do you think I've been dumped and traded like just an old baseball card? Any ideas of how to handle things? Keep wrting every week al if nothing happend, confront Shadow about the perception?

**Patty** · #2 01-04-2011, 10:40 AM

It is difficult to say what another's motivation or lack thereof may or may not be. I can understand how you would feel as you do. Here's the thing that I believe applies to every situation and set of circumstances we find ourselves in: Everything happens for a reason. The problem with that is that while we are in the midst of any given scenario that "reason" isn't always clear to us, often the lesson or shift in life mode is not apparent until later on. Still, trust that with time, clarity aligns. For the time being try not to overanalyze it. Decide what you want on your own terms and how best to achieve it. Honestly the rest is gravy.

Best Wishes,
Patty

**LeBeau** · #3 01-04-2011, 11:39 AM

He should not have shared your information without your consent but with that said, I think he was trying to do a nice thing- he botched it, but I think that was probably the intent.

You admitted to feeling beyond simple friendship and he could not return your feelings... despite your protests that you made no demands and had no expectations, (and I believe that you are sincere in those statements) it is inevitable that any person who finds themselves on the receiving end of a declaration they can't return will be at least a little uncomfortable. I've been on both sides of that unequal formula and it takes a lot of work, honesty and patience to get past the awkwardness of it... effort that not everyone can make.

It appears to me that he tried to soften the blow by introducing a person he thinks might be good candidate as a new penpal..... I really do think he meant well, even though he went about it in a pretty clumsy way.

Tjames85 · #4 01-04-2011, 05:52 PM

I agree with Lebeau. Even though we hear many horror stories about inmates using pen pals some of these guys just want a friend. How long does he have to go. Some of these guys don't want someone waiting for them for years. I would write him a quick note letting him know that you still want to be his friend, if you do, and not to give your information out without asking you in the future. For all you know this dude could have found it or stole it.

*Ken* · #5 01-05-2011, 04:38 AM

Wow - these folks have all been really nice...

Here is my downside...

1) Shadow SOLD your name and address
2) Shadow sold your name and address to someone that will amazingly 'fall in love with you' but the reason is ultimately to get you onboard and then get money from you.

Some of these situations may be above board but in my experience most are not. If Shadow was really doing something for you, don't you think that the reasonable person would come to you and ask if you wanted to be introduced? No, he just stopped writing and then you get a letter from some other dude.

I would abandon both of them... perhaps I am jaded.

Tried&True · #6 01-05-2011, 05:51 AM

Thanks all.

I think I want to hope for LeBeu and Tjames' take on this. I would like to hope I was not so far off on my estimate of Shadow's character as to find he did what Ken thinks. I did write him and let him know I was surprised by his friend's letter. I said I woul back off and still write if he wanted. If its a scam, got no problem dropping both like a hot rock.

Time will tell I guess.

BlueEyedEllie · #7 01-05-2011, 06:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken

Wow - these folks have all been really nice...

Here is my downside...

1) Shadow SOLD your name and address
2) Shadow sold your name and address to someone that will amazingly 'fall in love with you' but the reason is ultimately to get you onboard and then get money from you.

Some of these situations may be above board but in my experience most are not. If Shadow was really doing something for you, don't you think that the reasonable person would come to you and ask if you wanted to be introduced? No, he just stopped writing and then you get a letter from some other dude.

I would abandon both of them... perhaps I am jaded.

I was thinking the same thing,then just assumed i've become too jaded.

I just find it rude to hand out your address to a complete stranger, who for all you know could be a psycho,without even asking if you cared.I think he is just trying to get you off his hands versus trying to do a compassionate thing for you.If he was truly compassionate he would have ASKED you first.I think people tend to forget sometimes that there ARE wolves and predators in prison.I know the politically correct thing to say is there are good people in prison,which i KNOW there are but there are some very very NOT nice people in prison,too.that do NOT have your best interests at heart!! All i'm saying is be careful.you seem like a very nice person.

Tried&True · #8 01-05-2011, 08:42 AM

Well, the question is answered. ken and Marcsbeth are right on.

I just received a letter from yet a third person at Shadow's facility. This letter was something else because it was written on the backs of every page of every letter I wrote the entire month of December. This person wanted to let me know that Shadow gave him my letters unopened because he is is cleaning up with all the letters he gets from several prison pen pal internet sites.

So, answers the question "Are there any good and decent people who find themselves in prison because of terrible accident or youthful mistake?" The answer from my position is NO!

So if anyone is writing guys in the Clements Unit in TX, STOP! Your efforts, good intentions, and hopes to make somebody's life a little better are simply being passed around for the amusement of people not worth the price you paid for the stamp!

esteli · #9 01-05-2011, 08:48 AM

I'm sorry this happened to you Newbie but the good thing is you know now before you invested your heart and hard earned money into it. Some of these guys are just game players out for a buck.

showstopa · #10 01-05-2011, 09:28 AM

Im not really feelin how we got to this point involving the new pen pal, but here is my advice for the present situation. If it were me and i had the time, i would actually give this new cat a whirl, but i would go in knowing that at anytime, this new guy may need to be dropped! But since you are in the situation, why not entertain that 1 in a million possilbilty that he may be interesting and on the up.

But it all depends on the type of person you are and what you can handle. Me personaly, i can easily put my feelings to the side and be cut throat, when it is time for me to make decisions like this, but if this is not you, i would recomend leaving it alone all together.

If you do decide to keep him around, let him know that you are broke and if he is looking for money, that he may want to move on now!

Let him know that you are ONLY interested in being freinds! Even if you are looking for more, it would behoove you to not reveal that information right away, if meant to be, it would take that direction on its on.

Let him know how you feel! I would def'ly let new cat know that you disprove of how things went down with the previous penpal.

Play hard to get. Even if you do get super involved, never put all your cards on the table. Make him work, just like you would with a guy who is cording you on the outside. Make him make efforts and show you that you are desired, not the other way around, expecially since he is persuing you. Make his ass work for your attention!!!!!

And finally, be alert for those signs that let you know when to drop him if need be. You will see the signs, you just have to do what you need to when and if its time to drop him.

Aside from that, have a blast and enjoy!

**LeBeau** · #11 01-05-2011, 01:31 PM

Bummer- Sorry to hear that Shadow turned out to be such a jerk.... and, that being the case, I'd contact the facility and ask that NOTHING from the facility be sent to your address.

When I thought that the new PP was a clumsy but careful choice, I was thinking "Eh, not a great move but maybe Shadow actually thinks these two might hit it off". Now that I know that your info is being spread around wholesale, my opinion is very different.

showstopa · #12 01-05-2011, 02:19 PM

Having read the entire post and now that i see that he is actually selling your info opposed to the slight possibility that he may have had gud intentions, i would recomend dropping all these goof balls or let them know that the only way you are interested is if they send you money off their books!

Tjames85 · #13 01-05-2011, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newbie

Well, the question is answered. ken and Marcsbeth are right on.

I just received a letter from yet a third person at Shadow's facility. This letter was something else because it was written on the backs of every page of every letter I wrote the entire month of December. This person wanted to let me know that Shadow gave him my letters unopened because he is is cleaning up with all the letters he gets from several prison pen pal internet sites.

So, answers the question "Are there any good and decent people who find themselves in prison because of terrible accident or youthful mistake?" The answer from my position is NO!

So if anyone is writing guys in the Clements Unit in TX, STOP! Your efforts, good intentions, and hopes to make somebody's life a little better are simply being passed around for the amusement of people not worth the price you paid for the stamp!

Sorry you had to go through this. I guess I hoped for the best because every time someone has sold my information they claim they got it from a friend but never say who the friend is. I find it odd that this guy is being so forth coming about what is going on. Is there anyway you can contact the prison and have your address put on some type of block list. I wrote a dude in a Texas prison over a year ago and he was very uninteresting. He sold my P.O. box address and still to this day I get random letters from dudes talking about love, once every two months.

SpicaRigel · #14 01-05-2011, 10:23 PM

Hi Newbie!
I feel like I know you a little from the other forum and you seem like a real nice guy.
I would try writing someone else.
Hmmm...i think i had the mother of all penpals back some time ago, but I learned from it!
I know you are hurt. It sux.
And I hope you will try again!

*Ken* · #15 01-06-2011, 04:15 AM

I get really blunt sometimes... yes, but the fact is that if you did not know the guy before he went in to prison, and you found him on a pen pal site.... OR he passes/sells your address on - you have to be really skeptical in the beginning.

I am NOT saying that all Prisoners are bad. I met one 10 years ago still talk, still write, still visit... he has not always been honest with me. He also gives me a lot of truthful inside scoop when I talk to him about these kinds of scenarios.

There are many guys that will do anything for a buck. It may have cost them 10 bucks to post to a pen pal site, but then they sell half the responses and they make money.

There was a time that I was sending magazine subscriptions to my guy then I find out that he is selling the issues for so much each... then I say to him - you get 12 bucks, but it costs me 18 just ask me for the flipp'n money instead of going to all this trouble.

Fact is that SOME of these guys running 'scams' may write to you for 6-9-12 months before they start to turn the wheel and ask for things. They can come off as the 'sheep' disguised and once you are certain that they are legit - bam - they start asking for things...

Please don't take my skepticism as DON'T WRITE PRISONERS - if you choose to you have to have your eyes wide open and understand and expect that it may not be legit.

If you are writing for the right reasons - whatever those are for you - do everything from the heart, from the giving side of you, and don't regret or get angry at yourself for what you have done. If you have given from the heart then just accept that there are some not so nice people that will take advantage of you.

My true feeling about some of these guys is that it is a dog-eat-dog world in prison and they don't really see (some of them) what harm they are doing. My guy has NO understanding of what a dollar is worth or what it means to go to work every day and kill yourself for a pay check. He has absolutely NO idea. He has never in his life held a job more than three months and it is usually double that time in between. Telling him that it costs me 1200 bucks to visit him means NOTHING. He has no concept.

Give or wirte freely and from the heart. If you get taken advantage of move on and chalk it up to experience.

There ARE good guys in prison. You just have to find them. Problem is that they probably are not the ones that are advertising.

*Ken* · #16 01-06-2011, 04:19 AM

For the Gay guys that come to this site and think...

Wow, I wrote this one guy, saw his pic on the pen pal site and he was really hot, and now we are in love....

Ask yourself how just out of the blue you 'fell in love' with a guy in prison - how was it so simple? Why does this not happen on the street? How can you choose one person from a site and it mysteriously works out?

Ask yourself...

Some of the other Moderators here will back me when you look at the time that I have been with PTO... the number of bad pen pal experiences that we see - especially in this forum.

Eyes WIDE open guys.

cablndguy · #17 01-07-2011, 12:21 AM

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. I think what happend was that you might have come on too strong, too fast and he prob could not handle that. Is shadow openly gay bi? If not he might not have seen that coming and prob didnt know what to do. I think he gave your letter to someone else thinking that you might want to correspond with someone that was gay / bi and he prob thought he was doing a nice thing for you. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. Even though you wrote him just wanting to be friends, did he know you were gay/bi from the onset? I think that makes a big difference. If your writing to a person who is not openly gay or bi it's rare for them to suddently discover those feelings without allready being that way in the first place.

When I started to write to people I made it clear in my first letter that I was gay and was just looking for friends. And that was true. I did however only send my letters to people who were very specific. They had to indicate in their ads that they wanted to talk to other men, gay bi etc. I started off only writing to a few people. and it was always on a friendship basis.

The guy I fell in love with was one of those few people I had written to, but from the very first letter from him there was somethign special. We both were not looking for romance. But He was a confirmed bisexual. Somehow, some way we both wound up totally hooked on each other and over the months it grew and grew. Then because he is in a federal place, we started to email each other. That was when it exploded between us. It was him who said he could not stand it anymore and he had to tell me that he loved me. But when that happend, I was allready crazy in love with him as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newbie

I've only been writing a few inmates for a few months and already find that I need some advice.

I first started writing a guy I call "Shadow" just to be a friend to hopefully a nice guy who would feel less alone to have a regular penpal. I wasn't looking to "meet" anyone romantically or anyhting like that. I didn't expect it to happen, but I became very fond of Shadow pretty quickly and since I promised I would always be upfront and not play games, I told him I was starting to develope feelings for him.

After an unsusualy long time between letters, I heard back for Shadow. He said my "news" surprised him and caused him to take a step back. Mind you, I made no demands or any other kinds of expectations.

Out of nowhere I got a letter from another inmate in the same facility who said he is also a gay man who is good frinds with Shadow. The new inmate said Shadow gave him my info becaese "he wanted you to meet someone nice in here." Shadows hasn't written in just over a month and his last letter said nothing about the new guy or anything alse beyond some general chit chat.

So. question is, do you think I've been dumped and traded like just an old baseball card? Any ideas of how to handle things? Keep wrting every week al if nothing happend, confront Shadow about the perception?

allmb · #18 01-07-2011, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newbie

So, answers the question "Are there any good and decent people who find themselves in prison because of terrible accident or youthful mistake?" The answer from my position is NO!

As far as I can tell you've had a single person act poorly towards you and that, as unlikely as it is, could have simply been very poor judgment. Though circumstantial evidence abounds and it all points to this Shadow person selling your info. You can't assume anything 'evil' about the other two guys based on the facts as you've presented them. How do you get from one guy trying to take advantage to 'there are no good or decent people in prison'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newbie

So if anyone is writing guys in the Clements Unit in TX, STOP! Your efforts, good intentions, and hopes to make somebody's life a little better are simply being passed around for the amusement of people not worth the price you paid for the stamp!

Why hasn't anyone called him on this? Here, let me change this up and see how it sounds:

I started dating this black guy.... cringing yet? What's going to happen to this post when I get to the part where I say, "So if anyone is dating black guys from TX, STOP!"

Inmates are people. People are different. Just cause you had a bad experience with an inmate doesn't mean all inmates are out to get all people.

I'm sorry you are hurting; hurting may be part of life but it doesn't feel good while you're sitting in it. I hope you find someone who loves and appreciates you.

~ Macy ~ · #19 01-08-2011, 01:39 AM

In general I think it's very common to create a distance when you find out someone's catching feelings for you and those feelings are not returned. It makes for an uncomfortable situation and even with the best of intentions the friendship will definitely change dynamics.

In this particular case I think the OP is lashing out because feelings were not reciprocated which eventually led to the loss of a friendship and receiving all kinds of letters from his pal's facility. In your case I do think there's a chance you were being misled by Shadow. In one of his online ads he claims to be straight, in two others he's gay but has a picture up with his arms wrapped around a woman. Maybe he really is gay - but it sure does raise an eyebrow with me. On the other hand if he was only in it for the money he would have continued to "milk" you, so the fact that he's discontinued the correspondence does speak in his favour.

Anyway I understand your feelings of betrayal but it's not fair to say that all inmates are not to be trusted.

Tried&True · #20 01-08-2011, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cablndguy

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. I think what happend was that you might have come on too strong, too fast and he prob could not handle that. Is shadow openly gay bi? If not he might not have seen that coming and prob didnt know what to do. I think he gave your letter to someone else thinking that you might want to correspond with someone that was gay / bi and he prob thought he was doing a nice thing for you. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. Even though you wrote him just wanting to be friends, did he know you were gay/bi from the onset? I think that makes a big difference. If your writing to a person who is not openly gay or bi it's rare for them to suddently discover those feelings without allready being that way in the first place.

When I started to write to people I made it clear in my first letter that I was gay and was just looking for friends. And that was true. I did however only send my letters to people who were very specific. They had to indicate in their ads that they wanted to talk to other men, gay bi etc. I started off only writing to a few people. and it was always on a friendship basis.

The guy I fell in love with was one of those few people I had written to, but from the very first letter from him there was somethign special. We both were not looking for romance. But He was a confirmed bisexual. Somehow, some way we both wound up totally hooked on each other and over the months it grew and grew. Then because he is in a federal place, we started to email each other. That was when it exploded between us. It was him who said he could not stand it anymore and he had to tell me that he loved me. But when that happend, I was allready crazy in love with him as well.

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm glad things worked well for you. In short, he advertised as gay and I was up front about it as well. If he couldn't handle feelings theleast he could have done was a note telling me so and he didn't want write anymore instead of just handing unopened letters to someone. I've told many on here that "these guys are not pets" and treat them with basic respect" I'll never say that to anyone again!

HisBlueEyedGal · #21 01-11-2011, 03:36 AM

You're right: Shadow did a scummy thing by doling out your information and even going so far as to hand an inmate your letters without even opening them. But I've learned that in life - life in general - people have different levels of morality and integrity. I've also noticed from observation that if someone has been incarcerated for five years or longer, sometimes their social skills are not quite what we might expect them to be. I'm not making excuses for what Shadow did. I'm just saying, these are the risks we take when we get to know a new person, be they incarcerated or not.

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. That never feels good, regardless of circumstances. Take care of you.

Tried&True · #22 01-11-2011, 07:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken

For the Gay guys that come to this site and think...

Wow, I wrote this one guy, saw his pic on the pen pal site and he was really hot, and now we are in love....

Ask yourself how just out of the blue you 'fell in love' with a guy in prison - how was it so simple? Why does this not happen on the street? How can you choose one person from a site and it mysteriously works out?

Ask yourself...

Some of the other Moderators here will back me when you look at the time that I have been with PTO... the number of bad pen pal experiences that we see - especially in this forum.

Eyes WIDE open guys.

Lets not misunderstand here. I wasn't here or writing looking for love. It just happened that his words got to my heart and I did start to have very strong feelings for him. I had no expectation that he would feel the same way so soon or ever ( and told him so). What hurt and makes me angry is just getiing tossed aside and for all I know, sold off without so much as a "Dear Newbie letter."

tearfallzbreak · #23 01-11-2011, 07:21 PM

Hmm i would nt know how to feel about that if it happened to me. I mean i would never want someone else to have my contact information unless i was asked. Like many say i d get rid of the both of them. I hope they dont think your some kind of a joke never settle for something like that

*Ken* · #24 01-12-2011, 04:13 AM

I did not say that it was 'love at first sight', I just was asking what are the odds that you find one person on a pen pal site and you mysteriously fall in love? If you look at most people's experience, they write a guy that they like the look of the picture and then one month later, six months later, one year later, they are in love? I am talking about guys that are very good at falling in love with several people and they have the ability to become what you want them to be.

showstopa · #25 01-13-2011, 12:45 PM

I would actually go a step further by NOT recomending guys to write the "best looking, musclar cat", because most likely what you see in those glamorous picture is what many people like, which means that most likely this person if going to be a busy man with responces.

I found an MWI who did not have a gud pictured profile....you could hardy see him.......i was about ti skip it, then i thougt, that many people are probably skipping profiles like dat and going directly to the ones who have nice big clear supermodel pictues, so i decided to read what they say instead of looking for the experienced popular pen pal.....he was aloof to technology and had no idea of how to imagine how we see profiles on the computer. Make sure the person is only on one site and not several. Few months later my MWI had the profile taken down completely. There are many way to increase "security" for yourself, involving these situations. I am always willing to share with anyone who may not be sure about their situation. If you give me the details of a situation, i am gud at getting to the bottom.....no pun intended!