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Csmcgrl23 · #26 03-01-2011, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by canthelpbutwait

I find when we have to question it there is a reason. Be honest with him, tell him how you feel. If you don't you will keep it bottled up til you just can't take it anymore. Also, what you do for someone should not expect something in return. I am no trying to be mean or anything but you shouldn't expect him to do x y z because you chose to do a b c. You do what you do because you love him and the same should go for him. I hope you are not being played.. I would definitely express your concerns to him.

I agree to a certain extent with what you are saying, we shouldn't give to receive. Especially with someone in prison, you shouldn't send money and packages in hopes that when he gets out he will stay with you forever. It doesn't work that way, you help someone in prison because you love them not to make them have to owe you when they get out. With that being say, you shouldn't always be the one giving without receiving anything in return, I'm not talking money or material things...I'm talking that relationships both should be giving 100%. She's going out of her way for him and he can't even write a letter. How you that make you feel? If you wrote all the time and he just said, well we talk on the phone so I don't write....that wouldn't be cool right? But I agree with what you are saying...I was just saying that somethings that we give it's ok to expect it in return...you give love you should expect it in return.

To the OP...it sounds like he's using you. Cut out sending him money and see what happens. Be prepared for him to whine that he can't eat and yada, yada, yada. Your gut is usually right when it tries to tell you something. Better to find out 6 months in than years down the line when he gets out and you've sent him thousands and now he won't even call now that he's on the streets.

passionfruit · #27 03-01-2011, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vera31

I think your God-given intuition is sending you signals. When I've gotten seriously burned by a man in the past, it was because I didn't want to accept the early signs that the man was trouble. After the grits hit the pan, I was all so tempted to complain that I was used or mistreated. But 90% of the time, there were signals warning me of trouble that I ignored.

Hey sorry your having these thoughts...I think u should dumped him..he is telling you who he is...he's a user I've never heard suCh thing its all about him...what about you or us...he's giving bad signs and I would run and leave him...you sound like a caring women...put your feelings first...never 2nd when it comes to love...if he can't do so which he appears he can't leave him...and sending and asking for money all the time...he does not appreciate you!!!

QUEENDRURY · #28 03-01-2011, 04:08 PM

putting the money issue aside how about leaving his a** for being so insensitive to your wants and needs?how dare he think that its all about him now AND when he comes home!!girl send him no more money!hell let him pay for the calls if he wants to talk to you bc obviously youve made it super easy for this chap!he is so low to the ground he can only crawl-girl walk away.much love-queendrury

Vixen311 · #29 03-01-2011, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessedmommie32

So here is the deal my man and I started writing through a pen pal sight and six months later we are the love of each other lives. And I thought everything is great, perfect and God send but he started asking me for money, said we talk on the phone everyday so he doesnt need to write. One moment I am the love of his life the next he will make a comment that makes me think otherwise. He was talking about his bunkie's mom being his bunkies life line and I asked him if I was his he said no that I makes his time better but he would make it with or without me. . (THAT HURT!!!) Then he started asking me for more money, sending him books totally taking care of him which would be okay but it just seems that he wants more and more with me getting little in return. Then he says that when he does come home it has to be about him because he needs to be free and learn how to live outside and once again I put everything aside my feelings, my needs, my wants. He says no one has ever loved him like me but I dont I feel like I might be getting played here. Like he said all the things I want to hear but not sure if it is a reality if you know what i mean. Advice appreciated... And the last comment if I ever got a sensitive girlfriend I would be in trouble( Now he says he wants to spend my life with me but that got me thinking is he really serious about me or is just whole bunch of meaningless words)

maybe you know what you need to do already.i know it isn't easy.but it is better than the alternative.and oh hell yes i have had the intuition that i was being played and ignored the feeling and regreted the hell out of it.i like to think i won't do it again but love is not just blind it's deaf as all hell. wishing you luck with this problem

DABsgirl · #30 03-01-2011, 05:06 PM

In my opinion it appears that he may be playing you. Like many have said stop sending money. You can also find out who is on his phone & visitor list and you can see who deposits money in his account.

May God grant you the serenity
to accept the things you cannot change;
courage to change the things you can;
and wisdom to know the difference...

You already know in your heart...

hisbabyny · #31 03-01-2011, 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessedmommie32

So here is the deal my man and I started writing through a pen pal sight and six months later we are the love of each other lives. And I thought everything is great, perfect and God send but he started asking me for money, said we talk on the phone everyday so he doesnt need to write. One moment I am the love of his life the next he will make a comment that makes me think otherwise. He was talking about his bunkie's mom being his bunkies life line and I asked him if I was his he said no that I makes his time better but he would make it with or without me. . (THAT HURT!!!) Then he started asking me for more money, sending him books totally taking care of him which would be okay but it just seems that he wants more and more with me getting little in return. Then he says that when he does come home it has to be about him because he needs to be free and learn how to live outside and once again I put everything aside my feelings, my needs, my wants. He says no one has ever loved him like me but I dont I feel like I might be getting played here. Like he said all the things I want to hear but not sure if it is a reality if you know what i mean. Advice appreciated... And the last comment if I ever got a sensitive girlfriend I would be in trouble( Now he says he wants to spend my life with me but that got me thinking is he really serious about me or is just whole bunch of meaningless words)

one thing i can say is i dont tell a man he is my lifeline that ive been with for 6 months and i understand him saying yea' his life is better with you in it but he would make it with or without you. because what man wants to seem so desperate.

im not sure about the money thing cause when i have extra money i send it. like $20. a week but i know i spend that and more on the computer with emailing each other, plus i know his family helps so i just dont know?

i would step back with the money and see what happens. my man is totally cool if i have no money, so i would do what the others posters said and hold back with the finances and see if you are still the love of his life!!!
and if he is free when he comes home then i would consider my self free now and then as well!

i think communication is most important. you also said he said he wants to spend your life with you so its mixed messages so its hard for me to advise.

Csmcgrl23 · #32 03-01-2011, 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nakeisha99

Is he playing you? Possibly, or he could be playing it smart. 6 months really isn't that long. Perhaps he wants to get to know you on the outside before pursuing anything major. I actually agree with him on the lifeline comment. I wouldn't even want my husband to consider me his lifeline. I'd like to think you'll be cool with or without me and vice versa.

He knows her enough to ask for money and tell her that since they talk on the phone (who pays for the calls??) he feels he doesn't need to write...but he doesn't know her well enough to know if he can be with her on the outside. I would accept that if he wasn't asking for things.

I also agree with the poster that says do those things if you want to, not as an investment to the relationship...but she's being asked to do these things, she's being asked for money and feeling like she's not getting what she needs...that's a "red flag" to me. If she was just sending money without him asking that's one thing...but I know how inmates can make you feel bad that they don't have anything so when they ASK for money you feel guilty if you don't do it. Doing something because you want to and being asked to do it are 2 different things.

MikesWifey · #33 03-01-2011, 07:29 PM

I totally agree he is using you, he already told you he can make it with or without you, that it seriously or you will suffer in the long run.

nakeisha99 · #34 03-01-2011, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Csmcgrl23

He knows her enough to ask for money and tell her that since they talk on the phone (who pays for the calls??) he feels he doesn't need to write...but he doesn't know her well enough to know if he can be with her on the outside. I would accept that if he wasn't asking for things.

I also agree with the poster that says do those things if you want to, not as an investment to the relationship...but she's being asked to do these things, she's being asked for money and feeling like she's not getting what she needs...that's a "red flag" to me. If she was just sending money without him asking that's one thing...but I know how inmates can make you feel bad that they don't have anything so when they ASK for money you feel guilty if you don't do it. Doing something because you want to and being asked to do it are 2 different things.

While I understand your point about being asked to do things, she doesn't have to do it. We all have choices. The ball is in her court and always has been. He can ask and ask until his face turns blue but the choice is hers. Doing something because you want, and doing something because you are asked really isn't that different. Like my ten year old son told me the other day 'Mom, if you don't want to do something, than don't.' Yeah he asked her, but if she didn't want to, why do it?

To to OP, as others have already stated, take a step back financially for a while and see how the cookie crumbles. I hope everything works out for you.

blessedmommie32 · #35 03-01-2011, 10:18 PM

just an update... He called me tonight after telling him that I had some finacial things going on I couldnt send him money or put money on the phone and his response was kind of a mixed bag.. he first tried the spiritual thing asked me if I was falling away from God and that is why I was going through some of these things and said I have acted strange for the past few days and asked me if anything else was wrong. I told him that sometimes I had doubts about his comittment to me and he said I would have to come and see him to I could look into his eyes and know how he feels. And then he got fustrated with me over the phone because I have been handling some money things the famous green dot bs and instead of saying good bye and I love you he just hung up. So I am kind of torn on the one hand I feel like it is about money because he says he needs a 100 a month to survive in prison and gave me a green dot number to put on my card so he could have money for the next month but what gets me is I just gave him 500 when I got my taxes and he says he is waiting for that to come back, And how me sending money got started was he asked me for it and I wanted to but now it feels like it more about that.. But it could be me just being scared so I dont know what to do exactly.. I guess it comes down to trust and I dont know if I can trust him..

**Snowwolf** · #36 03-01-2011, 10:22 PM

I've not kept up with this thread, you just sent him $500 from your tax return and he's asking for MORE?! Going to not say anything more right now. I'm just SHOCKED.

Snowwolf

CrazyforHim · #37 03-01-2011, 10:28 PM

Damn, 500 bucks!? And he needs more? That's a whole lot of cash flow right there. I think u know in ur heart what's up. Stay strong and good luck.

Csmcgrl23 · #38 03-02-2011, 06:46 AM

He said he needs $100 a month to survive in prison (lie) and you just sent him $500...he should be good for 5 months! There are thousands and thousands of people in prison that don't get any money from the outside and they survive. Sure the food sucks but you can and do survive. I think the way he got off the phone with you speaks volumes. I don't know about state prisons but I know in the feds they have a spending limit. I'm a little stunned that he brought God up....smh. Girl, stop sending him money and see how it goes...I think your gut feeling is right and you should be scared...scared that if you keep doing what you are doing he will get out and leave you wondering why you gave a man you really don't know thousands of dollars and you are left with nothing but a broken heart and bank account.

msnelson · #39 03-02-2011, 07:01 AM

yeah i think your gettting played my finace is my fiance and he dosent even ask me for money for his books he ask if i can to please but money on the phone when i have it and i love talking to my baby so i work overtime to do that and i fiance tells me if it wasnt for him he couldent make it so you need to drop him and find you a diffrent pen pal thats like going to the carlot and choosing the car with 200,000 miles on it when theres porche in for sale less cheaper lol cause there are some good guys in there

NC_girl · #40 03-02-2011, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessedmommie32

just an update... He called me tonight after telling him that I had some finacial things going on I couldnt send him money or put money on the phone and his response was kind of a mixed bag.. he first tried the spiritual thing asked me if I was falling away from God and that is why I was going through some of these things and said I have acted strange for the past few days and asked me if anything else was wrong. I told him that sometimes I had doubts about his comittment to me and he said I would have to come and see him to I could look into his eyes and know how he feels. And then he got fustrated with me over the phone because I have been handling some money things the famous green dot bs and instead of saying good bye and I love you he just hung up. So I am kind of torn on the one hand I feel like it is about money because he says he needs a 100 a month to survive in prison and gave me a green dot number to put on my card so he could have money for the next month but what gets me is I just gave him 500 when I got my taxes and he says he is waiting for that to come back, And how me sending money got started was he asked me for it and I wanted to but now it feels like it more about that.. But it could be me just being scared so I dont know what to do exactly.. I guess it comes down to trust and I dont know if I can trust him..

$500???? That's a big chunk of change in my opinion.

I can understand the guy not writing as much when you and him talk on the phone a lot. When my man was in county neither of us really felt like writing more than once a month or so, just because he didn't have a limit on his minutes and because calls were dirt cheap. I mean $50 a month gave us all the talking we wanted, and it was worth it to me because it was only for a short time.

Nowadays my man won't even ask me for money. He tells me to NOT SEND MONEY, and that he will ask me for money as a last resort. Of course I sent him some at Christmas and I will either send money or books on his birthday, but nowhere near $500. I would pull back quick. He can only use you if you let him.

LoveBuggy · #41 03-02-2011, 07:29 AM

You can only buy so much in prison. That is by far too much money. Only way I could possibly see an inmate needing all that money is being up to no good.

Follow your gut instinct. It is there for a reason.

thunder · #42 03-02-2011, 07:35 AM

Sorry to hear of what you're going through.

But based on what you've communicated, it appears that he's showing you his stripes and who he is. Also, it appears that he's not the sharpest knife in the draw and really doesn't know how to be smooth and or slick in playing someone.

Don't allow him to use God and or God's word to make you feel guilty. Look @ how Satan twisted God's word with Eve. Look where it got us.

Many times we know the answer and what to do and often seek confirmation from others.

God provides so many ways of escape for us and we choose not to listen and heed the warnings and doors that have been open.

I pray that you will close this door with him and do not allow any room for the door to be cracked, for it appears that in the long run, he will do you more harm than good, for based on what you've shared, he's selfish and it's all about him. Thank God that this guy has been honest in expressing some of what he's feeling.

myfreedom2010 · #43 03-02-2011, 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blessedmommie32

just an update... He called me tonight after telling him that I had some finacial things going on I couldnt send him money or put money on the phone and his response was kind of a mixed bag.. he first tried the spiritual thing asked me if I was falling away from God and that is why I was going through some of these things and said I have acted strange for the past few days and asked me if anything else was wrong. I told him that sometimes I had doubts about his comittment to me and he said I would have to come and see him to I could look into his eyes and know how he feels. And then he got fustrated with me over the phone because I have been handling some money things the famous green dot bs and instead of saying good bye and I love you he just hung up. So I am kind of torn on the one hand I feel like it is about money because he says he needs a 100 a month to survive in prison and gave me a green dot number to put on my card so he could have money for the next month but what gets me is I just gave him 500 when I got my taxes and he says he is waiting for that to come back, And how me sending money got started was he asked me for it and I wanted to but now it feels like it more about that.. But it could be me just being scared so I dont know what to do exactly.. I guess it comes down to trust and I dont know if I can trust him..

Hi there!

I have been following this thread from the moment I first came across it. Now you post this!

Honey you are BEING PLAYED!!!!

I was in prison and lived with the "players" every day....The fact that you just sent him $500 and now needs more - indicates to me that he is either:

1 - buying canteen for him and his buddies
2 - sending the money to someone on the outside
3 - saving it in his account for when he gets out to have as a cushion

Please take the advice you are receiving and most importantly YOUR GUT INSTINCTS

- this guy is no good for you....I am sorry but you have only known him for six months and please girl the statement by him of "you need to come visit to look into my eyes" blah blah blah.....he wants you to come so that he can stroke your ego and make you think you are his everything.....

Trust me - I have been there and done that - I can't tell you how many times I saw women who I was locked up "scamming" guys and girls on the outside - heck they would even STAGGER THEIR VISITS so that one would come on one day and the other on another day......

One girl had this BLOW UP IN HER FACE when they both showed up on the same visiting day to see here

Imagine that visit!!!!

Girl be firm with this guy and put your foot down!

My advice......

Take Care

nimuay · #44 03-02-2011, 08:09 AM

Until you posted your update, I held out a tiny, miniscule, vanishingly small hope that he could be decent. Now that has disappeared - there's no doubt at all that he's a playa!

FastCarGirl · #45 03-02-2011, 08:27 AM

[quote=Csmcgrl23;5996547]I agree to a certain extent with what you are saying, we shouldn't give to receive. Especially with someone in prison, you shouldn't send money and packages in hopes that when he gets out he will stay with you forever. It doesn't work that way, you help someone in prison because you love them not to make them have to owe you when they get out. With that being say, you shouldn't always be the one giving without receiving anything in return, I'm not talking money or material things...I'm talking that relationships both should be giving 100%. She's going out of her way for him and he can't even write a letter. How you that make you feel? If you wrote all the time and he just said, well we talk on the phone so I don't write....that wouldn't be cool right? But I agree with what you are saying...I was just saying that somethings that we give it's ok to expect it in return...you give love you should expect it in return.

I too agree that it is better to give from your heart without expectation. However that doesn't mean getting nothing (or very little) in return. My guy is the same way when it come to writing....he's not a writer, plus we talk on the phone everyday. His days are boring, generally the same everyday. BUT he sends me cards he makes and writes poems for me, makes me things, sings love songs to me over the phone, and makes sure to call me everyday, even when he's not feeling well just so I won't worry (he's in a medical center at the moment). And he'll drop me notes in the mail sometimes just because he knows it makes me happy. So I have my moments of doubt, but then I look at his actions and he gives what he can give to the relationship as well as what he takes as financial support.

Like I and many others said earlier, if you're just a cash cow to him, it'll become obvious really quickly. They do get fed everyday, they do have hustles and trades that they do amongst themselves for commissary and some people just give and share their blessings with others. Having his own makes it easier but he's not going to starve to death. Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

debbie41 · #46 03-02-2011, 08:30 AM

Woman get out now, he dont care about you. He would write if nothing else,what doesd he need that kind of money for? If I were you I would have to wander where all that money went and why he needs so much again(could be some one else or drugs or both) I feel bad for you. You would not have posted this if your gut was not telling you this was all wrong , do what you know you should do, good luck.

FastCarGirl · #47 03-02-2011, 08:36 AM

I just gave him 500 when I got my taxes and he says he is waiting for that to come back

My question is waiting for that to come back from where??? What the heck is he doing with your money? Sounds like a hustle. Sorry

Matt'sSweetness · #48 03-02-2011, 08:53 AM

Based upon everything you have said (this is just my opinion), he isn't worth another second of your time. What really makes me mad (besides the whole $500 thing) is how he threw God into things. God is not somebody to play around with. This guy is playing you big time. Please walk away because I don't want you to get hurt.

kazzy · #49 03-02-2011, 08:54 AM

i WUD NEVER send money to a man in prison if i didnt know him personally, never wud i send money to a penpal . thats just crazy. i send money to my man because we have been together for 5 and a half years and we have a child together. stop sending him money then u will see how he reacts! he's probley writing to another 10 women. good luck x

blessedmommie32 · #50 03-02-2011, 09:15 PM

So a few days ago I posted how I thought there was a possiblity I was being played by my man for money and such but after seeking the advice on here and from a friend and then talking to him I realize something I really love this man and I think he is the only person that truly gets me and there comes a point where you have to have a little faith and I have trust my heart at some point.. And I have to trust him and he is worth the risk!!