He is back on drugs, is this an indication of what is to come?

[yaneverknow2013]

Ok, i already know the answer to my question, but i dont know how to go about it, so i thought i would ask you guys!
I love my husband to death, he is my everything. he has been gone 2 years and has 2 more years to parole, 4 years to max out!
But i know he is back on drugs, he is lying to me for money, lying to me about his time, lying about everything!
He admitted he had a problem, went through a week of being sick from coming off the drugs, then goes right back to it! it makes me sick!
But the lying is becoming a problem more and more everyday!
I want to stand by him and hold him down til the end, but is this any indication of how is he gonna be when he comes back home?
i love this man more than i can ever explain, and i dont want to leave him, but he is ruining me financially and mentally!
what do i do?
please help!

[Csmcgrl23]

Stop sending him money. PERIOD. I know you love him and want him to be comfortable and be able to get things from commissary but he's not using YOUR money for such things. And he doesn't seem to care how his problem is costing YOU financially. So stop sending money or else you are just an enabler. Which I understand completely. You love him and would do anything for him but the best way to love him right now is tough love. I'm not saying give up on him, I'm just saying don't support his "habit" by sending him money. If he gets all worked up and starts blaming you and decides not to write or call because you aren't sending money then you should seriously question if he loves you the way you love him.

[QUEENDRURY]

STOP SENDING HIM YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY HONEY!as long as you enable him to use your money, HE WILL.one thing you gotta do is look out for you!!let him get mad bc quite frankly he is using you and he doesnt care about what shape you are in as long as he gets your money to buy his drugs-is he concerned that you could be using your money to enhance your life?is he even concerned that he could get more time if he is caught?so to answer yoru question,YES HE IS SHOWING YOU WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN HE GETS OUT.NOT TO BE MEAN BUT MATTER OF FACT-if he doing all that now and youre hesitant i pray for you when other women hit the scene bc he gonna be hell on skates.love this is what i call setting the stage/prepping you and i suggest you step on that stage and SHUT IT DOWN if you plan on being with this man.right now,he is the one with time on his hands, LIVE YOUR LIFE and be sure you want to do this knowing he is this selfish and thoughtless of you,your hard earned money,your sacrifices to make him comfortable.in more ways than one THIS AINT ABOUT HIM ITS ABOUT YOU.much love-queendrury

[tearfallzbreak]

for me there would only be stop giving him money and if he doesnt improve then its done. If he cant stay clean there how is he going to change when he gets out. I can tell when my man is not clean and i will no longer put up with it he has two options me or the drugs... he sure cant have both.

[QUEENDRURY]

sorry for my tirade!!it just makes me so mad that he is lieing to you nonstop while he is using your money to do his dirt!i respect you for keeping him comfortable but honey you gotta keep yourself comfortable.noone said prison is suppose to be comfortable ESPICIALLY IF HIS COMFORT IS DRUGS.again much love-queen

[ohhsochar]

Stop sending money. Don't be responsible for his habit. And you need to tell him how it is. It doesn't really matter how mad he might get, or how much he tries to go against you. You've got to tell him that you will not support this behavior and if he can't use his time to better himself and your future together, then you won't watch him destroy himself. You love him and want to help him and the best way you can do that right now is with some seriously tough love.

Yes - it is a very clear indication of what is to come. Love him enough to cut him off and tell him that he has to fix this for the both of you.

[Mrs. Happy]

If YOU dont change something its only going to get worse. You cant control what he does. You only have control over what you do. Your helping him bring him down by sending him money. If he gets mad or tries to make you feel guilty imagine how its going to be when he gets out. I hope you dont let him come live with you without him completing a drug program cuz people on drugs do nothing but lie, cheat, steal and manipulate. Like the other lady said expect other women in the picture as long as he is on drugs. I hope you make the right decision and put yourself first. Stay strong...

[Tiny xo]

stop sending him money. sadly this is a complete indication of what things will be like when he is out. i don't know about you but i sure wouldn't be waiting around for someone who is doing drugs while in prison because it will only bring more drama & pain to your life once he gets out. if he can't stay clean inside he will never stay clean outside & things will get much worse. trust me i know, my boyfriend was on drugs up until he went to jail. he now has just over 2 years clean. i wouldn't wish some of the things he put both himself & me thru before on anyone.

[nimuay]

You can't change him, so you must change YOU! Start some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings - they can help you learn the ways to stay smart about addicts and their chaos.

If you have to, you can and should leave him. That's blunt, but the love isn't doing you or him any good at all. And it usually takes many tries before an addict is reliably separated from his drug of choice.

Of course, as said above, you stop sending money- that's just allowing him to do his thing without consequences. And you tell him that, pure and simple, it's the drugs or you - and don't be surprised if it's drugs he chooses.

There's so much heartache in loving an addict - and sometimes, letting go is the only way

[MIKAER]

Addiction isn't personal. It wants what it wants, and it takes what it takes....
It is a disease that will destroy everything and everyone in it's path including the addict. In prison the disease is often dormant only to resurface when the addict faces the stress of day to day living with out recovery tools to stay clean.

You have some choices to make, be part of the solution, be part of the problem, or be part of the down fall. In English that means attend 12 step meeting for your recovery education, and codependency, actively enable, thus keeping him sick, or leave and pray for a rock bottom...

[ladyelise]

I would save myself and my sanity because you can't love an addict into recovery, he has to do it for himself. He hardest think will be to let him hit bottom. In the meantime, you should join some support groups for yourself. Good luck!

[thugwife]

When a man shows you who he is, believe him...

If he finds a way IN PRISON to get high, you best believe he will find a way in the free world to get high.

It amazes me what guys can get ahold of in prison.

I know you love him, but dont spend another dime on him. Period, end of story.

He would really be dope sick if he was my man, the first I heard of this, he would be cut off, way off.

My daughters seizure medicine costs me $359.00 a month, she is the only one I sacrifice for. Period.

[ohsweetmaryjane]

Originally Posted by yaneverknow2013

I want to stand by him and hold him down til the end, but is this any indication of how is he gonna be when he comes back home?

YES.

I don't know about anyone else, but I don't know ANYONE who was messed up in jail, getting into fights constantly, using drugs, or otherwise breaking major rules, who came out of jail and did the right thing.

My man has a long time drug problem, and this is the ONLY time he hasn't done any of the above in jail. Usually he's getting high and in the hole for fighting. If he wasn't staying clean, I would have left him for sure. But that's just me. If he can't stay clean in a controlled environment, how is he going to stay clean out here, when he has a lot more stress and exposure to triggers??

Like everyone else said, sending him money is just feeding into his drug use, even though that's not your intention or, obviously, your fault. If he's gonna mess up while he's in there, at least he should be uncomfortable while he does it. Let him hustle for his drugs, you sending him your hard-earned money to get high with is just insane.

[JaneDoe007]

yaneverknow2013- Many have given you great advise but, YOU have to decide what you want. I have learned in my experience that having great advise and reading others experiences with the same issue helped me. However, I didn't get it! I had to deal with my addiction which was to "try and change him" and it NEVER worked! If your man is doing drugs in prison that is more than enough to let you know it will only be worse when he's free. I can say this from experience. If you have a chance and read some of my posts you will see the cycle of being with someone addicted to dope and how it has the ability to ruin us as well. In the end, my ex didn't want to change. He was doing dope inside the walls and thinks to this day in his ignorant head that he can run around with his old cellies and not take the offers to do dope. Even I know that is not possible and I have never used drugs. Take the advise everyone has given and really think about the heartache and the hell you will face when he free to run the streets chasing his next high. The one that is going to be affected is you. You are not priority in his life, his addiction is. Just my input from experience. Hope you come to a decision that will benefit you. If you need to talk feel free to pm me. God bless!

[deonsgirl]

Originally Posted by MIKAER

Addiction isn't personal. It wants what it wants, and it takes what it takes....
It is a disease that will destroy everything and everyone in it's path including the addict. In prison the disease is often dormant only to resurface when the addict faces the stress of day to day living with out recovery tools to stay clean.

You have some choices to make, be part of the solution, be part of the problem, or be part of the down fall. In English that means attend 12 step meeting for your recovery education, and codependency, actively enable, thus keeping him sick, or leave and pray for a rock bottom...

Well said! I agree totally, you need to go to Al-Anon to work on why you keep enabling him.

[Lordbew/us]

Amen....from a parent who is living it.
Do not sign up for this nightmare. I remeber another mother telling me once to "let go or be dragged!" she was so right!
I wish my husband and i would have nipped our enabling of our 22 yr. Old son's addiction in the butt in the very beginning. These last four years have been a total living hell. My husband and i tried our best to rescue him...in and out of rehabs even a few months in jail.

We were definitely slow learners, yes all because we "love" our son.
Now we know that we should have taken all the advice we were given in the beginning...but no we thought we could fix him, our son was unique.
Well you know what we've only made things worse. With our help he has been able to continue his drug use and he has progressed even further into his addiction.
I am telling you this because now i truly wish my husband and i could turn back the clock.
Knowing what we know now we would have totally done things differently. How i wish we could start over.

It is truly the hardest thing we are having to do as a parent, my heart is aching as i write this to you. Our son will be released from a detox hospital on monday, he has been there almost 2.5 weeks. He has refused going to long term treatment.
He is opting again for an alternative...."always an alternative"...he wants to go to a half way house. We know he is not ready and all he wants is a way to continue his drug use. We have made it clear to him that he can not live in our home. He has no way to support himself, we have encouraged him to check into the homeless shelter.

The doctor has told us that our son has a very high chance of o.d.
My stomach is in knots and all I can do is pray for him..
I know you love your husband but please be strong and stand firm.
Don't be a slow learner like my husband and i were.
We were told often we could not change our son. You can not love them or spend them clean....only he can make the decision.
God bless you, I sincerely wish you the best.

[yaneverknow2013]

Thanks to all of you! i needed this wake up call! i did cut his money off, i am only sending his comissary money, and no extra. he has finally come out and told me he has a serious problem, and he is gonna get clean and straighten up because i have already told him he would not be coming home to me and our daughter under these circumstances!
thanks again for all your guys help!

[ohsweetmaryjane]

Sounds like you're taking positive steps in the right direction. Good luck.

[longislandny997]

Originally Posted by yaneverknow2013

Ok, i already know the answer to my question, but i dont know how to go about it, so i thought i would ask you guys!
I love my husband to death, he is my everything. he has been gone 2 years and has 2 more years to parole, 4 years to max out!
But i know he is back on drugs, he is lying to me for money, lying to me about his time, lying about everything!
He admitted he had a problem, went through a week of being sick from coming off the drugs, then goes right back to it! it makes me sick!
But the lying is becoming a problem more and more everyday!
I want to stand by him and hold him down til the end, but is this any indication of how is he gonna be when he comes back home?
i love this man more than i can ever explain, and i dont want to leave him, but he is ruining me financially and mentally!
what do i do?
please help!

You say you know the answer already. Then I wish you good luck.. Hope you find someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I would go to Al-Anon, and you could possibly learn something. Unless he wants to get clean, there isnt a thing you could do about it. My husband got high right when he got out, but he promised he wouldnt. Where is he now, Doing a five year bid. How long was he out, One month..Again, Good luck

[Lysbeth]

Originally Posted by yaneverknow2013

Thanks to all of you! i needed this wake up call! i did cut his money off, i am only sending his comissary money, and no extra. he has finally come out and told me he has a serious problem, and he is gonna get clean and straighten up because i have already told him he would not be coming home to me and our daughter under these circumstances!
thanks again for all your guys help!

Everyone else has given you some very good advice that I don't want to wind up repeating, but I did want to comment on one thing.

If it were me, knowing all I know NOW long after the fact - I would even stop the commissary money, or keep it at the VERY barest minimum. If he's using in prison, then it's very likely everything or almost that he buys in commissary is going to others to pay off his drug debts.

Been there, done that, would re-do a lot more things differently if I'd known then all I know now.

Just something to seriously consider and keep in mind if in the future he asks for more commissary $.

Wishing the best for you and hoping he'll get serious about getting clean, but keep your expectations low and take care of yourself and your daughter and keep putting you and her FIRST. It's a hard enough road having a loved one in prison, but it can be 1000x more of a nightmare when they're an addict.

[jenn85345]

I'm with Lysbeth on this one. When everything came full circle about what the "commissary" money was being used for, he was cut off with a quickness.

We have pretty recently started corresponding again after an 11 month break, 10 of which he's been clean, and I told him in no uncertain terms that the chances of him seeing any of my hard earned money other than phone time and stamps are slim to none.

Wishing you the best on whatever you decide.

[downup28311]

I'm not certain you got it because you are sending money. the stuff he gets from the commissary can/will be used to exchange for drugs and/or other contraband. You just took from your child and bought him more drugs, honey.