Men & women can't be friends?

[Rox73]

A conversation from one classic I love (When Harry met Sally). Personally I think Harry has a point. BUT - I also think that having male acquaintances doesn't pose the below problem. Probably because a person has to fill a certain "standard" of mine to be called a "friend". I guess different people will always define "friendship" in different ways.

So what do you guys think? Is Harry right or is Sally right? What does your husband/bf/wife/gf think?

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

[Beachhouse]

So this is a good question. I am here for support for my friend, who is a guy. So what does this mean for us then? I don't know if men and women can be friends only. With my friend we flirt, we write complimentary things like I called him a fantastic person and talented, he said I was amazing, his light and angel. So he's not getting sex, from me, since he was sentenced to 15 yrs-life today. I tell people we are friends, I know that we do teeter on the edge at times but we've never tipped over it. We say things like "I love you", but I think they are more supportive than love. I think that you pick your friends because something attracts you to them. I mean this for both male and female. We are attracted to a quality or something physical, whatever it is we are attracted to them and so we seek out their friendship. So I think we are attracted to all our friends but that doesn't lead to a relationship with them all. It just could complicate friendship with sex but like the quote says what if they are not physically attracted to you? Then no sex and its all friendship? Hmm my brain is swiss cheese after sentencing, I didnt answer the question I just dont know for sure. I will ask my friend and see what he thinks...

[willow028]

I loved the movie but disagree.... my hubby is who is in and I'll love him forever but he knows my guy friends... okay most are gay but there are two who stand out... one I've known since HS and we did do whatever then but that stopped in 92 and we realized we have a bond that can't be broken... the other... when he heard Kyle was in was the first to step up and say he wish he could do this bid for him since he has nothing going on for him right now and he wishes we could be together now.

So yeah... it can happen... even when they are straight!

[Tuesday123]

From my own personal experience, I have been very dissapointed by male friends who sounded genuinely serious when they said we were just friends, but their actions always spoke louder than their words, and to this day I cannot count on one hand one so called male friend who didnt at least hope for more.

Im not saying its not out there or is not possible, but I was single for quite a few years and really wanted a platonic male friend and I was side swiped every time by yay Sayers who clearly had different intentions than I regardless of our initial friendship plan.

I know its out there, I have just never been blessed with it.

Originally Posted by EZsWife

A conversation from one classic I love (When Harry met Sally). Personally I think Harry has a point. BUT - I also think that having male acquaintances doesn't pose the below problem. Probably because a person has to fill a certain "standard" of mine to be called a "friend". I guess different people will always define "friendship" in different ways.

So what do you guys think? Is Harry right or is Sally right? What does your husband/bf/wife/gf think?

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

[MaggieMMay]

I have a number of males who are friends, 100% platonic, who have been friends for many years. I have no idea if they have any sexual thoughts toward me and/or had any at some point. They either didn't or they kept it hidden enough to maintain the friendship. In either of these scenarios, yes I belive men & women can be friends. It's few & far between though.

My husband is secure with the friendships I have with these guys. I knew them a long time before I ever met him. In each case, over the years I have gotten to know my male friends' wives & kids as well so there's no misunderstandings of my intentions either. In fact, part of why I like these particular people is how they are loving & loyal to their wives. It's refreshing to see & when I was fresh off my divorce it kept me hopeful that there ARE men like that out there. My husband is in that club! Since meeting my husband I have not made any "new" male friends out of respect for him & to prevent any uncomfortable situations.

Just like most things, there's no black & white answer.

[LadyBlackz]

Nope...we can be friends.
Matter of fact...I grew up with a group of about 9 guys...I WAS THE ONLY GIRL that WASN'T a girlfriend or some hoodrat that they all shared. I have known all of these guys since I was 14...that was almost 14 years ago. My boys are all like my brothers. That is how I see THEM. Now I know for a fact that there are a few of them that have always wanted to be with me...I know that because one is my Ex who is still a really good friend, and others have told me how they feel. They know that I have a man, they have all met him and they all respect me like they would their little sister. My Man doesn't have a problem with me hangin out with them cuz he knows the nature of my relationship with all of them.

So YES...girls and guys can be JUST friends. The guy can think about "nailing" the girl all they want, but as long as there is that mutual respect and there are clear boundaries...it's all good.

Awww I all my Boys!
Blackey my Love, Dirty J, Syck, Al'Po, JQ, EBooty, Weezy, Matt, Mack and Ced.

[Danielle88]

I'm still a firm believer that it cant work out. From personal experiance I have never seen it or experienced it, someone always has feeling about something or another. No nope, still a non believer.

[Rox73]

Yeah people define friendships differently. A friendship (the way I define friendship) with sex NOT getting in the way is the kind of friendship I have with my husband because sex is clearly not getting in the way for us....since we can actually have sex. A friendship without sex is the one I have with my BFF (who is a woman), my sister and my brother.

For me the point in Harry's and Sally's conversation is this:
"Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."

Meaning that if either party is so much as THINKING of sex it means the friendship is doomed?

So maybe the real question is this: is a friendship LESS meaningful if one or both parties are having sexual thoughts about the other one but there is no outlet for those thoughts like in the case of a couple?

I have had male friends in the past - some I discovered wanted more and some never indicated anything of the sort. What I'm not sure about is why these friendships ended - maybe they weren't REAL friendships to begin with? Or they ended because nothing sexual came out of them for the guys? Both?

All I know is that a friendship isn't a friendship unless it lasts a lifetime - through all sorts of difficulties, through good times etc. Being 38 years old, I have found that childhood friends (and siblings) are the ones that last but others randomly enter my life and leave it again later on. Hence, their friendship wasn't really a friendship - they were acquaintances. No hard feelings on my part or anything - it's just clear that they never fit my definition of a friendship.

[GeckoBrat]

I also have male Friends that I have had many many years. Yes they may think about sex with me some I even flirt with but it does not change our FRIENDSHIP. We DON'T have sex but would be there anytime the other one needed. That is how I define friendship. We care and love each other enough to be respectful of the others personal relationships, we don't cross the line but are the ones who will stand strong, pick each other up, or calm them down, give a buck, wipe a tear or ask do you want me to kick their butt ? And in the end still be there where ever the day brings us just a phone call away.

My true friends the few that there are, male or female, will not leave me hanging because I won't have sex with them.

[sillymom2three]

i Thunk if you were friends with the opp sex before your spouse is ok. But I don't think its a good idea to make new opp sex friends. I know I would never hang out esp alone with a male. Its asking for trouble! I have seen it happen too many times. Why open yourself up for temptations eventually it will happen? I Know a pastore who won't let anyone but his wife be his sectary, because he says the devil finds a way to ruin a marriage any way he can.

[LadyBlackz]

Originally Posted by sillymom2three

i Thunk if you were friends with the opp sex before your spouse is ok. But I don't think its a good idea to make new opp sex friends. I know I would never hang out esp alone with a male. Its asking for trouble! I have seen it happen too many times. Why open yourself up for temptations eventually it will happen? I Know a pastore who won't let anyone but his wife be his sectary, because he says the devil finds a way to ruin a marriage any way he can.

That, I completly agree with.
Those are the new guys that you meet and you tell them that you have a man or your man is locked up and all that does is make them try harder to get at you.
So yea...that...AGREED.
If you had your friends before, you already have an established relationship, and whatever sexual tension with those guys is gone or packed away neatly in the closet.
New guys...you havent had that time to put in that work with them so I think there will always be a struggle.

Thats why I dont talk to my man's homies now that he's gone. Those are HIS boys...not mine. There is always that ONE that thinks he can be sneaky and get at his homies lady. NO THANKS.

[KitKat329]

I completely disagree with the notion that men and women cannot be just friends. I have many male friendships that nothing romantic or sexual has happened with. I know most of them have never wanted me as anything more than a friend, and if they did, it has been so long ago that those feelings have dissapated as they are now happily married and very much in love.

[Heluvedme1st]

I went to visit my Best Friend who is a guys today and its funny some of the respondes we just when we tell people that we are just friends... But we are just that Friends and how been that way for years... We have always respected our friendship and have not moved pass the bondaries of our Friendship.... Some what's your opinion do you think that a man and women can just be friends???

[XII_Gauge]

Of course they can. I have lost of friends who are girls and I never wanted to be with them. I see them as my little sisters. LOL Alot of people don't understand that. I don't know why. When they get boyfriends or husbands I respect their relationship and I back off and they get mad at me but I don't want to cause problems in their relationships. But I think a man and a woman can be friends.

[Temeron0926]

Of course I think men and women can be just friends. I have quite a number of male friends. Ray knows about them, he knows what their friendship means to me and he is cool with it. He has female friends, in fact he talked to one on the phone yesterday.

I have always had male friends. I think because I grew up with 5 brothers, so I have been around males all my life. I have always believed that men and women can be just friends.

[bebegrl]

I definitely think a man and a woman can just be friends. I have male friends that i made sure they know that we are just friends. And they know where they stand with me. Sometimes having male friends is less drama and less jealously than with female friends. I also have female friends that are wonderful. But i have also experienced the drama and jealously aspect of having female friends.

[Heluvedme1st]

Originally Posted by XII_Gauge

Of course they can. I have lost of friends who are girls and I never wanted to be with them. I see them as my little sisters. LOL Alot of people don't understand that. I don't know why. When they get boyfriends or husbands I respect their relationship and I back off and they get mad at me but I don't want to cause problems in their relationships. But I think a man and a woman can be friends.

I have also ran into problems when my best friend is dating someone they always have problems with me and assume that there is more to our friendship

[SexyDiva20]

Yes I think they can be just friends as long as they both know thier boundries and agree mutually not to cross them.

[angelic1970]

Yes a man and woman can be just friends. I have a few male friends and we never cross that line.

[Tuesday123]

Im glad you have a relationship with a guy where u can truly be just friends. All women want is to find a man who is going to honestly just be her friend. But in all reality most men are pigs and will lie about it. Even after we bust his sorry ass out, they will still say, but I still want to be friends.

Originally Posted by Heluvedme1st

I went to visit my Best Friend who is a guys today and its funny some of the respondes we just when we tell people that we are just friends... But we are just that Friends and how been that way for years... We have always respected our friendship and have not moved pass the bondaries of our Friendship.... Some what's your opinion do you think that a man and women can just be friends???

[hisnysoulmate]

I think it's definitely possible to be "just friends". However, I also have been in quite a few "just friends" scenarios where the guy caught feelings and put pressure on the relationship or caught feelings and didn't put pressure but just knowing that the feelings were there made it uncomfortable. I think an issue exist where if your partner has a friend of the opposite sex and they are the type of friends that hang out with each other when you are not around then you have to face that the potential is always hanging over their heads.

[tamieTrue]

I have had many male friends...my husband told me once long ago that men and women could not be just friends because eventually with the right circumstances the boundaries get crossed by one or the other.

And honestly I thought he was full of crap...but it's true 90% of the time either one or the other develop feeling beyond friendship. You must be conscious of this and of putting your self in situation that gray the boundaries.

It takes two mentally healthy committed adults to pull this off.

How many people do you know who are mentally healthy 24/7? We all have our struggles and occasional weakness and increased neediness....in that lye's the problem.

I do have male friends I keep no gray areas as to my boundaries and i stay aware of my surrounding and my friends reactions and my behavior and theirs.

[Mrs.Hidalgo]

Yes, i have Guys Friends, and like am sure he has his Women Friends(:

[Ironman2012]

I have several female friends and we see each other as exactly that: friends.

[lil peep]

Yeah I think it's possible, but I also think that alot of times it doesn't work on a long-term basis if one of the friends is in a relationship. There are obviously people it can work for since they're posting about it But I do think it's hard to maintain proper boundaries sometimes.