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MIKAER · #1 03-26-2011, 10:51 AM

Would you? What if? Drama Drama Drama.... We speculate and worry about our relationships, and it's expressed in the threads. So my question is how much of this speculation and worry finds it's way into your relationship? How much do you really trust him? How much do you dbl check and speculate? Has it ever bitten you in the rear?

WaitingOnEddie · #2 03-26-2011, 11:18 AM

I guess given the fact that I've known my hubby since we were in diapers, I don't really do much of the double checking or speculating. I know what it is. I trust him fully and know there's really no reason for me not to trust him. I've never caught him in a lie...which is impressive considering how long I've known him. Now...this isn't to say that when we were younger and I was fresh out of a bad relationship and all that good stuff that I didn't have moments of doubt when we started dating. I think everyone here has been hurt before and it's human nature that once we are hurt once, we try to keep our eyes more open for future potential hurt. Anyways...I'm getting off track here...

My 'what if's' revolve more around...'What if the law doesn't change and he doesn't get out in time for us to have another baby?'...'What if one of us dies before his release date?'...we've discussed those things, but they aren't a regular topic of conversation for us.

I'm thankful that my relationship is as such where I don't have a lot of the 'what if's' that I could potentially have in this situation. I don't worry about other women...I don't worry if he's going to get out and go back...I don't have to worry about him being an addict...there's just a lot of 'what if's' that luckily, I DON'T have....which makes this lifestyle a bit 'easier'. I can't imagine doing this bid with him if I didn't trust him and was always having to double check things, question him, speculate about him or his intentions, etc.

Erics4ever · #3 03-26-2011, 11:54 AM

I agree with Eddie. He and I have known each other for quite awhile. I have never done the double checking or speculating. He told me the day we met that if I asked a question be ready for the answer because he would not lie to me. And he has not, nor I to him, even if the other didn't like the response.

The 'what if's' for us are more-'what if'' I have a really bad asthma attack and don't survive....'what if'' something happens to him...yes we have talked about these things, and know that no matter what, we have to have faith. I know when I am sick, it gets to him and he will sit in his cell for hours and read/pray to keep his mind on the right path instead of letting the 'what if's' drive him crazy. And if possible, even if I can't talk, he will call me and pray over the phone. I know for me, when I feel the 'what if's' regarding him being ok if they are on lockdown, I will go talk to my brother and we talk/pray for hours, or I will call my Mother in Law and we will keep each other's spirits up.

We dont have 'what if's' about us cheating, leaving, etc. We are both secure in our relationship. Even when we were younger, that was the case. This is the only relationship in which we have both been completely open, honest, secure, happy which is why we know this is where we belong.

MIKAER · #4 03-26-2011, 12:05 PM

I know in my own relationship, I entered into it with a lot of personal baggage, and I projected those fears on him and he acted accordingly. I see a strong fear of cheating when I read these threads, and I often wonder where it comes from....
My guy has always been primarily my friend, and over the years through the intensity of letters, we have become very close, I can't turn my relationship into the Jerry Springer show.... Thanks so much for sharing!

Beachhouse · #5 03-26-2011, 01:51 PM

My own what ifs get to me. Like right now I screwed up huge! so I am thinking what if he doesn't call, or write? I hate that because it's just me, he hasn't shown me anything but love for being here for him and appreciation for my efforts. I tend to doubt myself. I do not let it carry over, as much as I can. I pretend I am the light of his life when I write my letters and when I visit. I just share my doubts with another friend and never him. I do wonder if his appeal doesn't work will we be alive when he gets out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MIKAER

I know in my own relationship, I entered into it with a lot of personal baggage, and I projected those fears on him and he acted accordingly. I see a strong fear of cheating when I read these threads, and I often wonder where it comes from....
My guy has always been primarily my friend, and over the years through the intensity of letters, we have become very close, I can't turn my relationship into the Jerry Springer show.... Thanks so much for sharing!

Willie'sQueen · #6 03-26-2011, 01:56 PM

I do this a little to often. It hasn't been that big of an issue in our relationship though....THANK GOD!!!

~*~His Bella~*~ · #7 03-26-2011, 02:35 PM

I'm going through this as we speak..and I'm scared to death as he's only been gone for 2 days. I expected to be a nervous wreck, but still. Today I got to schedule my first visitation while he's still in county and 2 people beat me to it for tomorrow AND Monday night, so now I can't even go after work Monday because it's full. He has no one else but his father, and his father can't stand the video visitation. So here I sit...waiting for his next call and trying to figure out how to ask about it without upseting him. He has a rocky past as far as relationships are concerned, and I've always been the one to be used, lied to and cheated on. He's been the only man I actually thought was sincere and truly loved me...said he wants to marry me when this is all over, been trying to have kids, but no luck yet. I've always been one to let my negative thoughts take over. Most of the time they've been right, but considering this situation is unlike any other, I know I have to go about things in a different way. I keep finding myself rambling when I post on here...but I literally have no one to talk to about any of this

watrn2002 · #8 03-26-2011, 03:06 PM

Rexschic it is hard to go through this and I think it is ok to have the feelings you are having right now. You don't know what is going to happen and it is easy to let negativity come in. I have had the same issues. I realize that my issues mostly come from me and not him. He has his own issues as we are in this situation, but I bring in the distrust and the what ifs. He seems to be strong and grounded through this. Right now anyway. We both go through it at different times. About the visitation I had the same issue only once and I was a wreck. I could figure out who was visiting him because I was the only one who did. I found out it was his mom and he said he would have rather had me visit. It's hard not to know and not be able to visit him. My advice to you is to just keep posting on here and keep talking about it. It's a tough road and it is a way to test your strength that's for sure.

~*~His Bella~*~ · #9 03-26-2011, 03:21 PM

Thank you for the reply. I wish he would call already

He has his own doubts. Ever since he bonded out last year he would ask from time to time if I would stick around once he got sentenced. The past few months I've seen him very little as he threw himself into his work and didn't see much of me or his father. He didn't admit to me until last night that the main reason he did it was to make him finally going away easier on all of us. I took it as me not being that important. I have severe trust issues and low self esteem thanks to the past wastes of time I can call ex's. But at the same time I can appreciate his position...being stuck in there with no way of knowing what I am doing and not being able to do anything about anything. I want to visit as much as I can because I was under the impression he had no one else. Obviously I was wrong. I see no reason for his attorney to go see him as the case is now done.

MIKAER · #10 03-26-2011, 03:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RexSiChic

Thank you for the reply. I wish he would call already

He has his own doubts. Ever since he bonded out last year he would ask from time to time if I would stick around once he got sentenced. The past few months I've seen him very little as he threw himself into his work and didn't see much of me or his father. He didn't admit to me until last night that the main reason he did it was to make him finally going away easier on all of us. I took it as me not being that important. I have severe trust issues and low self esteem thanks to the past wastes of time I can call ex's. But at the same time I can appreciate his position...being stuck in there with no way of knowing what I am doing and not being able to do anything about anything. I want to visit as much as I can because I was under the impression he had no one else. Obviously I was wrong. I see no reason for his attorney to go see him as the case is now done.

Waiting on the phone to ring is hard. A lot of inmates put up huge walls when they get ready to ship off. All you can control is you, don't get sucked into fear and doubt- who visited him... is wrapped in fear and DRAMA. They may upset the visit you waited for-not worth it! Spend time working on you and dealing with all your issues-fear and doubt... HANG IN THERE!!!

ButtaPecnKiss4U · #11 03-26-2011, 03:49 PM

in any case or any type of relationship doubt is gonna be there....in every case known prison affects people..... good or bad.... once they leave change is there...... better or worse. lately im seeing couples who were fine be4 the whole prison life thing came about once inside... the dude turns into a new creature who is not wanted or welcomed.... being cautious or careful is not showing mistrust.... its showing that just because u are apart because of this situation.... doesnt mean they can treat u any way they see fit.

Miss_A · #12 03-26-2011, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitingOnEddie

I guess given the fact that I've known my hubby since we were in diapers, I don't really do much of the double checking or speculating. I know what it is. I trust him fully and know there's really no reason for me not to trust him. I've never caught him in a lie...which is impressive considering how long I've known him. Now...this isn't to say that when we were younger and I was fresh out of a bad relationship and all that good stuff that I didn't have moments of doubt when we started dating. I think everyone here has been hurt before and it's human nature that once we are hurt once, we try to keep our eyes more open for future potential hurt. Anyways...I'm getting off track here...

My 'what if's' revolve more around...'What if the law doesn't change and he doesn't get out in time for us to have another baby?'...'What if one of us dies before his release date?'...we've discussed those things, but they aren't a regular topic of conversation for us.

I'm thankful that my relationship is as such where I don't have a lot of the 'what if's' that I could potentially have in this situation. I don't worry about other women...I don't worry if he's going to get out and go back...I don't have to worry about him being an addict...there's just a lot of 'what if's' that luckily, I DON'T have....which makes this lifestyle a bit 'easier'. I can't imagine doing this bid with him if I didn't trust him and was always having to double check things, question him, speculate about him or his intentions, etc.

Almost everything in her post can be applied to myself and my man. There are those 'what ifs' that we don't have. I don't worry if he's going to get out and go back. This bid is his first and, unfortunately, he received a large sentence. He wasn't a drug addict or an alcoholic. So no worries there either.

And like, WaitinOnEddie, I have the 'what ifs' in regards to his case. Will he really be released before 2034? What if it takes umpteen years? Those are my main 'what ifs'.

Now, I do wonder if he'll get out and leave me for someone better looking, but that's solely due to my insecurities. He was 26 when he got locked up and had dated a WIDE range of women, so if he were to leave, it wouldn't be because of my looks.

And I found it funny when I read your thread, because earlier today, I logged into his facebook page and saw that he had a private message from his ex before me stating that she loves him very much and misses him very much. I really wanted to respond back, but didn't. I trust him. I have no doubt that if she's contacted him, he's let her know he's taken. He has always stressed to me that when he's with someone, he's with them. Point, blank, period. And I believe him. He's given me no reason not to. I just wish the chick would move on already.

So, anyway, I guess I said all that to say that we really don't have a lot of 'what ifs' and I don't dwell on them very often. If I do, I'll surely drive myself insane and that does neither myself or him any good. We've got more important things to focus on.

LeStrange · #13 03-26-2011, 04:04 PM

In the beginning I was leery of him and yes everybody's negative comments did affect how I felt and thought about him and our relationship but then I started not caring and now I don't care. Only time will tell what happens to us and between us and everything else and everybody else doesn't matter.

jonnysmomma · #14 03-26-2011, 04:33 PM

I met my husband when I was 5 and he was 9...we are now almost 33 and 37. We were married 11 years before he went in....so we got this! His year in prison isnt gonna tear us apart...but I can see how it could...

Beachhouse · #15 03-26-2011, 09:32 PM

If you have the "what if's" how do you conquer them?

Tuff's Angel · #16 03-26-2011, 09:55 PM

I USE TO QUESTION MY ACTIONS OVA AND OVA AGAIN BUT THEN I CAME TO BELIEVE IN LOVE LIKE I BELIEVE IN GOD.. YOU CANT TOUCH IT, YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT YOU FEELS ITS WORTH....ANYONE CAN MAKE YOU SMILE, MANY CAN MAKE YOU CRY BUT IT TAKES SOMEONE REALLY SPECIAL TO MAKE YOU SMILE WITH TEARS IN YOUR EYES...ME AND MY TUFF HAVE LAUGHED, WE'VE CRIED, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH HARD TIMES BUT HE KNOWS I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE IN A BLIND OF A EYE..

" Fear comes becuz your afraid of the future & what you don't know.. FAITH will help you chill & relax becuz of WHO you know." G O D

"GOD will take you through hell, just to get you to Heaven"

MIKAER · #17 03-26-2011, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

If you have the "what if's" how do you conquer them?

1st you have to recognize there your "What if's" For me it was a good support system and recognizing I have fear... I think you should put your question in a new thread and find out how the others dealt with it. I have a good therapist, and a lot of friends and I read- read- read.... I want to walk through my fears and not be stuck...

Temeron0926 · #18 03-26-2011, 11:39 PM

I used to let the what ifs bother me a lot. That was a long time ago when we were first together. Since we have been together for so long, those what ifs are pretty much gone. The only what if that is left is 'what if he goes back?' Well, I CAN'T let that what if ruin my relationship. Besides, what if he doesn't?

phenomenalwoman · #19 03-26-2011, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MIKAER

Would you? What if? Drama Drama Drama.... We speculate and worry about our relationships, and it's expressed in the threads. So my question is how much of this speculation and worry finds it's way into your relationship? How much do you really trust him? How much do you dbl check and speculate? Has it ever bitten you in the rear?

i wonder and worry when he doesnt call that he just doesnt want to. bc the relationship is mwi and has no foundation yet bc we have never been together in the intimate sense, and never spent nomral couple time together.so far he had a legit reason for not calling every time. (we will see about this time lol)..but other than that, i dont eveer think or worry about any what ifs.

Mitch67 · #20 03-27-2011, 01:06 AM

To be honest I don't really think about 'what if' in terms of my man and his love for me. I know that it's real and I trust him totally. My 'what if' are moe about him being where he is you know like what if someone hurts him what if someone steals from him and what if he gets sick. I do put them to the back of my mind but sometimes when his letters are late I can't help but worry.