So confused. Anyone been through this?

[ilovepatrick]

My husband wrote me a dear john letter in November basically saying he didn't love me and he didn't want to have anymore kids with me. It broke my heart but I filed for divorce and moved on. Now he's saying he was in a dark place and in a spiral of depression and didn't mean what he said. He's saying he's found God now and wants to work on our marriage. I'm so confused. I still love him but am wondering if what he says is true. Has anyone been thru this? He comes home next year and I'm wondering if we could have that happily ever after. If it really could be like it was before he went away and we were so happy. Has anyone had a man that did or said terrible things while locked up and only to turn it all around and come home and be wonderful? Anyone?

[MIKAER]

Some churches are against divorce, most don't want it done in haste... What do you really want to happen? In my experience the best we can hope for is bumpily every after, is he someone you want to grow with?

[Fancy]

Hon, I have followed your story for a while. You are a beautiful lady and I know how badly you want to have a child and a family.

I do not know the answer. You will have to go with you heart and your gut.

I wish you lots of peace and happiness. You have my support which ever you choose.

[thugwife]

I dont know what to say about this, because when I left, it was ME, who ended it.

Was he seeing someone else, that you knew of? BEFORE I would EVEN consider it I would make damn sure that he wasnt having a side fling (in the VR, nonetheless) because it would lead me to believe that is WHY he ended it. Perhaps the other one couldnt wait around?

Most men in prison dont just leave free women for no reason. Most guys in prison DO EVERYTHING they can do to hold on to what they have and not F* it up.

Does he have anywhere to go when he is released? That is another question I would ask? Because maybe *I* would be second fiddle, if he had no other option, and that is a position I REFUSE to be in.

I know some men have trouble dealing with shit, but listen to me when I say this:

"MOST men dont leave their girls..............unless there is a reason more than what he "gave" you.

Sorry, but I smell a rat.

[WaitingOnEddie]

I don't know him or you...all I can say is this...having done my own bid, I CAN understand why someone would say something like that if they are in an extreme depression and in a deep hole. Prison is capable of sucking the life right out of you. What good is left in a person is truly put to the test in prison. Not trying to get on a huge religious thing here...but inside of a prison...the negativity, the 'evil', is almost tangible. There is not much good in there at all...and it is very easy to slip into a depression that most people out here will never be able to understand.

If you feel he deserves another chance, then just keep your eyes open and don't hide how you feel (being scared he'll do it again, not trusting what he says, etc).

Good luck with whatever you do.

EDIT: What my girl, thugwife, just wrote is also the flip side of it and something I had considered too since I don't trust very easily--however, I'm trying to give your guy the benefit of the doubt here. But thug is right...most guys will not screw up what they have going on on the outside...and for him to do so means one of two things...either there was something else going on or he was in a very deep depression.

[LeBeau]

If he means it now, he'll still mean it after he's released and can PROVE that he's ready to be a husband (really be a husband- for better or worse) and that he really wants you and your marriage and your future, rather than that he suddenly realized "Oh, spit! I don't have a place to parole! I got no one to help me set up housing or even send me a change of real clothes for when I leave here!"
If you truly think you want to try again, here's my advice:
Do not fall right back into his arms, do not recommit to him now. If he's sincere, he'll be willing to move slowly, work out his own damn parole plan and court you all over again as a free man.
Whatever the cause of his breaking up with you, the result was that you were shattered and had to dig your own life back out of the shards of broken emotional glass- it will take time for him to regain the trust he threw away- the faith you had that whatever came along, you two were in this together- and I truly think you should make him earn it all over again....
...and even that, only if you actually want to.
You do not "owe" him another chance, you would not be wrong to say "Hey, ya know what? Things got rough and you pushed me aside and I'm not risking that again." so if you do let him try to win you back, be sure it's what you actually want and not what you think you "should" do.

[ilovepatrick]

Originally Posted by MIKAER

Some churches are against divorce, most don't want it done in haste... What do you really want to happen? In my experience the best we can hope for is bumpily every after, is he someone you want to grow with?

I really want to try and make it work. He's my best friend and I vowed to love him till the end of my days. I want to grow old with him. I'm just so scared that he will do this again. Everything was good before he went in.

[ilovepatrick]

Originally Posted by thugwife

I dont know what to say about this, because when I left, it was ME, who ended it.

Was he seeing someone else, that you knew of? BEFORE I would EVEN consider it I would make damn sure that he wasnt having a side fling (in the VR, nonetheless) because it would lead me to believe that is WHY he ended it. Perhaps the other one couldnt wait around?

Most men in prison dont just leave free women for no reason. Most guys in prison DO EVERYTHING they can do to hold on to what they have and not F* it up.

Does he have anywhere to go when he is released? That is another question I would ask? Because maybe *I* would be second fiddle, if he had no other option, and that is a position I REFUSE to be in.

I know some men have trouble dealing with shit, but listen to me when I say this:

"MOST men dont leave their girls..............unless there is a reason more than what he "gave" you.

Sorry, but I smell a rat.

He has his Mom's house to go to when he comes home. I hear what you're saying though. It boggled my mind when he left me. He says there was no one else but I've been curious about that as well....

[ilovepatrick]

I'm not going to re-commit to him now. When he comes home I know when I see him I will just melt. I also can't imagine not being on the other side when they open the gates and release him a free man. Thank you so much for all your great advice! He writes me everyday and says the most wonderful things. I hope he really means all of it. I want so bad to be with my husband.

[MIKAER]

Originally Posted by ilovepatrick

I really want to try and make it work. He's my best friend and I vowed to love him till the end of my days. I want to grow old with him. I'm just so scared that he will do this again. Everything was good before he went in.

Start with something simple, maybe a marriage counseling packet from his church that will deal with the trust he has broken. keep things slow and rejoice in simple growth -no fairy tales or false promises.

[bnvballgirl]

Hey... I have never went through this particular situation being as im not married and if we fight we seperate for a while to give each other time to think. Last year my boyfriend and I were both going through rough times.. and he just quit writing for about a month (i dont get phone calls so i just wait for letters)...I was very upset and said it wouldnt work out because of how selfish he was being... he didnt write back and we finally started talking again about a month ago. He had hurt me greatly because I really needed him at that point in my life..I didnt know what was going on with him and he wouldnt take the time to tell me or explain anything. He now has apologized over and over again for doing that to me.. he said he was being selfish and stupid.. it was just hard to know everything I was doing and talking to me knowing he couldnt hold me, that i might not move to florida (which i decided to now) and therefore we wouldnt be able to work out and he was just getting very angry and depressed with the situation he was in being in prison and his father being sick etc...
He wasnt open with me at the time and it caused us to fight and not talk for months..It was stupid and immature on both parts.. but i cant even begin to understand what hes feeling/thinking while hes in there. I know hes going through a lot in general and then to add prison on top of it has just been beating him down.
Maybe your husband was just going through a very rough time...being in a prison relationship requires sooo much communication its not even funny. If you cant talk about your feelings or whats going on then youre screwed.
I would say he could be different and just had been going through a rough time. I would give him another chance and if he does it again then definitely end things..

[ladyelise]

I would tread lightly, since you've already filed then I'd let it proceed. There's nothing preventing you two from getting back together later down the line. But I can only imagine what it took to get the process started and move forward and then grant a "do-over." If it's meant to be it will keep, good luck.

[Iamjustagirl]

I wouldn't count all of my chickens before the eggs have hatched. Meaning, I would do me until he is out. Then, we would decide. It just has to be that way after the stunt that he pulled.