Any advice for a new person here

[Beachhouse]

Hello, I am new here and to PTO and all of this. First time all around. My friend has been sentenced to 15yrs-Life and I am wondering if you guys have advice for both of us as we are just starting this journey.

Even things like how to organize letters, to getting the best out of visits, etc. thanks.

[Temeron0926]

You said "friend" so I am going to reply as if this is just a friendship. Yes, it makes a difference. I am not minimizing your relationship, there is just a vast difference between someone you are friends with and someone you have a romantic interest in as to how you go through this (prison) life.

SET FINANCIAL BOUNDRIES: Decide what type of expenses you will allow. How much can you AFFORD to spend on letters, phone calls, visits? 15 years is a long time and tho that would be his minimum, it could be many, many more years than that. Over the long haul, this is an expensive undertaking in any relationship.

BE HONEST & EXPECT HONESTY: Honesty is one of the keys in ANY relationship, particularly in this type of situation. You only have his word on what goes on in there, make sure it is real!

DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE: IF he asks for something you are not willing to give, don't give it. Do NOT let him pressure you into anything, do NOT do anything that circumvents prison/facility rules.

COMMUNICATE: This is number 1 in my opinion, and should have been first, but it is early and I am only on my first cup of coffee! Communication is the key in ANY relationship. Make sure you can say what you think or feel without being disrespected or ridiculed.


KEEP YOUR LETTERS: I wish I had done this, but at this point, I would have thousands, believe me, THOUSANDS of letters to store. Keep the "important" ones for sure, and any cards or things he has had made or will make for you. The best thing is to get a large (tuperware, rubbermaid) tote to put them in. Make sure it has a tight lid and I file mine by date. There will be tiems you will want to go back and re-read some. It is also a good way to document the changes in your lives.


Visit when you can, talk on the phone if you can afford it...........be his friend. He WILL have mood swings, he WILL have moments of anger. Remember, these are NOT YOUR FAULT, don't take them personally. Easier said than done I know, but it is necessary.

If I think of anything else, I will let you know. As I said, it is early, the brain is not fully engaged yet.

[Beachhouse]

Thank you so much. I do realize there is a commitment difference between being romantically involved and just friends. I think we are on the border. For now though I am certain of friendship but not of anything more and either refer to him as my friend or "my guy". Its easier at times to say my guy and not have to elaborate.
Those in romantic relationships have added bonuses and issues. I could technically walk away at any time though he worries about that and I won't because he will surely get lost in there. My last date was with him. Though I guess I could date.

I have limited financial resources so that is a good point. Sticking to a budget.
I only have to pay for my letter supply to him and calls though he may just pay for his own cell to get calls and give me that cell. Not sure how the calls will work yet.

Visiting and letters are our biggest way to stay connected. He just got to reception last week so we are waiting for the forms and them me to be approved. As long as he stays local I will visit every weekend. His biggest thing is looking forward to contact visits.
Letters have been a source of concern because I love them and don't want them to get ruined. I thought of copying them and scanning them. Then storing the originals.

The honesty, I cannot imagine it being anything but honest. We are not drama type people, we just speak honestly and openly about everything. Though the sex stuff I hear about happening I haven't brought up because it's kinda odd.

Mood swings I haven't encountered yet. Except for the few times he has been down. He seems to be able to write his feelings about those times where he can't reach me on the phone or the lockdowns have discouraged him. He has God and me and a few others so right now he is kept on an even keel through our support and love. I know it won't always be that way. If his appeal doesn't work then that will be a really bad time. In the 5+yrs we've been friends we've never had an argument.

Thank you again for your great response. This is such a life changing event and I like being prepared for at least some of it. I can't possibly prepare for all of it. I look forward to more info.

Originally Posted by Temeron0926

You said "friend" so I am going to reply as if this is just a friendship. Yes, it makes a difference. I am not minimizing your relationship, there is just a vast difference between someone you are friends with and someone you have a romantic interest in as to how you go through this (prison) life.

SET FINANCIAL BOUNDRIES: Decide what type of expenses you will allow. How much can you AFFORD to spend on letters, phone calls, visits? 15 years is a long time and tho that would be his minimum, it could be many, many more years than that. Over the long haul, this is an expensive undertaking in any relationship.

BE HONEST & EXPECT HONESTY: Honesty is one of the keys in ANY relationship, particularly in this type of situation. You only have his word on what goes on in there, make sure it is real!

DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE: IF he asks for something you are not willing to give, don't give it. Do NOT let him pressure you into anything, do NOT do anything that circumvents prison/facility rules.

COMMUNICATE: This is number 1 in my opinion, and should have been first, but it is early and I am only on my first cup of coffee! Communication is the key in ANY relationship. Make sure you can say what you think or feel without being disrespected or ridiculed.


KEEP YOUR LETTERS: I wish I had done this, but at this point, I would have thousands, believe me, THOUSANDS of letters to store. Keep the "important" ones for sure, and any cards or things he has had made or will make for you. The best thing is to get a large (tuperware, rubbermaid) tote to put them in. Make sure it has a tight lid and I file mine by date. There will be tiems you will want to go back and re-read some. It is also a good way to document the changes in your lives.


Visit when you can, talk on the phone if you can afford it...........be his friend. He WILL have mood swings, he WILL have moments of anger. Remember, these are NOT YOUR FAULT, don't take them personally. Easier said than done I know, but it is necessary.

If I think of anything else, I will let you know. As I said, it is early, the brain is not fully engaged yet.

[nakeisha99]

Welcome to PTO! As far as storing letters go, I can't help with that. 11 years ago when my love was jailed, I tried to do that. But after a while they really pile up. It was out of control. Of course letters and visits help a bunch. It's nice when you have something to look forward to and it really helps them.

[Bellebing]

Hi Beach house and welcome to PTO!!

I actually do scan the letters and keep em on little flash drives....I keep the original of the ones that I love and the cards/artwork, etc but since I get like a letter every 2 days, it starts to be ALOT of space and I always worry about them getting ruined. On a flash drive, it's all right there! (However, i have had nightmares about losing my flash!@ can't win! haha).

My best advice about starting this journey is to remember that especially in prison, things that can go wrong...WILL!! In the beginning, if he missed a time he was supposed to call me or I was a few minutes late to visit or whatever, i'd FREAK out and worry ~ but stuff happens and they can't always call or write or visit ~ *patience* is critical!

Again, welcome!

[Beachhouse]

I normally get a letter every 2-3 days with a week being the longest. I will not do the math but yea it could add up.

[alimia]

im sad my boyfrined hasnt meet our daughter and he wont be getting out of prison for 4 years and he getts transferred a lot dont know wat to do how can i go on?

[Cara1947]

Beachhouse

Take everything one day at a time. Time marches to its own rhythm. The first year, for me, was the worst. Do the time, don't let the time do you. Keep up with your education/career, friends etc. (My husband is doing 15 for something that never happened, but . . . there isn't any justice in this country any more.) Once he's settled, he should find something to do with his time . . . school? craft shop? correspondence classes? write a book? SOMETHING that is his and lets him "escape" for a period of time in his mind.

Temeron, you have it down, even with one cup of coffee!



Good luck! Keep posting. We've ALL been there ourselves or are going there soon! Some of the LHL have 15 and 20 years already done; they inspire me. It IS possible to do this! Others, like you are just beginning, so their experienced voices can help along the way.

[Beachhouse]

I wish they had a piano there for him. He's got those 15 + for nothing but your right no justice.

Originally Posted by Cara1947

Beachhouse

Take everything one day at a time. Time marches to its own rhythm. The first year, for me, was the worst. Do the time, don't let the time do you. Keep up with your education/career, friends etc. (My husband is doing 15 for something that never happened, but . . . there isn't any justice in this country any more.) Once he's settled, he should find something to do with his time . . . school? craft shop? correspondence classes? write a book? SOMETHING that is his and lets him "escape" for a period of time in his mind.

Temeron, you have it down, even with one cup of coffee!



Good luck! Keep posting. We've ALL been there ourselves or are going there soon! Some of the LHL have 15 and 20 years already done; they inspire me. It IS possible to do this! Others, like you are just beginning, so their experienced voices can help along the way.

[closer2mydreamz]

Thanks for this thread beachhouse. I am currently building a relationship with someone serving 40-life sentence. While the DOC system is not new to me, I did 2 yrs with my 1st love in 2004. This long-term sentence is very new to me. Temeron definitely touched on some excellent points!! I just started this and it has already been quite an emotional roller coaster!

[Bella Is Famuz]

Beachhouse welcome to PTO and to the long term sentenced forum. I think being that your so excited and willing to support your friend reguardless if ya'll stay friends or become much more is awesome! Someone with a long bid can get easily frustrated and discouraged from time to time and great support is something I wish every inmate had. I have been doing this for 7 years now and hubby is now on his 9th year of his 18 to life bid. We got married so Im in this for the long haul. Its deff frustrating at times and I kinda had to relabel myself as to not waiting anymore...we are LIVING =) If you ever need anything there is some great ppl thru out this board and Im glad to meet another person down for the long haul. Best wishes to you and yours =)

[HesMyForever]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the Long-Haul area! I've seen you around elsewhere. Right now, I'm sooooo incredibly exhausted, and I can't think of any other additional advice that has not already been mentioned by the wonderful ppl above.