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JRsBabyGirl<3 · #1 05-30-2011, 02:07 PM

So I have a friend that is locked up, and he has developed feelings for me. Well my fiancé doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore. I will feel terrible if I just drop my friend in a difficult time like this. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess up my relationship, and I don’t want my friend to be without anyone…..how do i handle this?

Morticia.née · #2 05-30-2011, 02:11 PM

maybe you can find your friend a pen-pal.

why doesn't your man want you to talk to him?

thop09 · #3 05-30-2011, 02:19 PM

You can still be his friend and make sure he knows that it will never be anything more than a friendship. You shouldn't drop your male friends just because your fiance is jealous.

FastCarGirl · #4 05-30-2011, 04:28 PM

I agree, make sure the boundary between friendship and relationship is clear cut and drawn in the sand. Your guy probably trusts him and his intentions less than yours. I have male friends and other inmates I write, but it's a joint project....my guy is involved and writes them as well. I also share the correspondence I get as well as what my responses back are with my guy, so he knows where my head and heart is and he can see for himself he's got nothing to worry about. He didn't ask me to, I did that on my own because I know it bugs him, but he loves and trusts me and my decison-making ability. He knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt him.

I too don't believe in ditching my friends over misplaced fear or jealosy. The only thing that can become between you and your guy are yourselves.

lil peep · #5 05-30-2011, 05:25 PM

Well it sounds like you told your guy the friend has feelings for you, which of course would make him say "I don't want you talking to him anymore." If you decide to keep writing your friend, you need to make sure he understands you don't have romantic feelings and that there won't be anything between the two of you. I think your guy is probably feeling a little unsure since he's with guys everyday whose women get lonely and find someone else to fill the holes so to speak. Have you and your bf talked about having friends of the opposite sex? Do you know how he feels about it? I think you need to sit down and talk this out with your guy and ask him specifically why he doesn't want you writing him. That's the only way you'll know for sure how to proceed.

hiswife1014 · #6 05-30-2011, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRsBabyGirl<3

So I have a friend that is locked up, and he has developed feelings for me. Well my fiancé doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore. I will feel terrible if I just drop my friend in a difficult time like this. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess up my relationship, and I don’t want my friend to be without anyone…..how do i handle this?

You have to think of who is more important....if your friend has developed feelings for you its definetly a red flag...i mean how would you feel if your fiancee was writing someone on the outside and she developed feelings for him? Where could that possibly lead to? TEMPTATION. I understand you feeling bad for your friend but your fiancee will soon be your husband and your man has to come first (at least thats the way i see it) Good luck

Erics4ever · #7 05-30-2011, 10:59 PM

Let's take prison out of the equation. If your fiance and friend were both home, how would you deal with this situation? Or let us say your fiance had a female friend that developed feelings, even though he told her they would only be friends, would you be okay with him still having contact with her? I understand that you don't want your friend ' to be without anyone' but would you rather him have you and you not have your fiance? I am not saying get rid of all male friends, just look at what is going on and if it was the other way around, how would you want to be treated?

MissingChris~ · #8 05-31-2011, 12:22 AM

friends are important but for a friend to develope more than friendship feelings over letters means something has been said to make him think he has a chance. Your man has a right to be insecure about it. Im sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would too. but you can stress to your man that his feelings for you would never change a thing and there are no intentions to act on them. You need to write your friend and let him know he is in the friendship zone and nothing more will come out of it. If he can't respect that then im afraid the friendship will have to be over to save your relationship. hopefully your man will understand that you set boundries and allow you to keep writing as long as your friend respects those boundries. Good luck

MikesWifey · #9 05-31-2011, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissingChris~

friends are important but for a friend to develope more than friendship feelings over letters means something has been said to make him think he has a chance. Your man has a right to be insecure about it. Im sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would too. but you can stress to your man that his feelings for you would never change a thing and there are no intentions to act on them. You need to write your friend and let him know he is in the friendship zone and nothing more will come out of it. If he can't respect that then im afraid the friendship will have to be over to save your relationship. hopefully your man will understand that you set boundries and allow you to keep writing as long as your friend respects those boundries. Good luck

That is not necessarily the case...I had a pen pal also that I use to write and I never encouraged him to feel anything for me other than friendship and made it abundantly clear that all we could be was friends and over a period of time he did begin to develop feelings to which I continued to make sure he understood that we were friends, nothing more and that my heart belong to someone else...eventually I backed off the friendship because I felt as if I was hurting him by not returning his feelings and thought that it would be better if I cared from a distance.

to the OP, I do think that you should draw the line with your friend and if he doesnt back off with the feelings aspect then you will need to make a choice and decide who is most important in your life...jmo

june5 · #10 05-31-2011, 10:24 AM

Personally I would question why your "friend" would try to come between you and your fiance by telling you he has feelings for you, you are engaged, a real friend wouldn't try to get between that.

Mrs.Maddox88 · #11 05-31-2011, 05:16 PM

It's funny I just went up to visit my fiance on Sunday and we had somewhat the same conversation. I have a best friend who happens to be my ex and he's still in love with me, but he knows I'm with my fiance now. My fiance isn't exactly thrilled that I write him but I've always been upfront and honest with him about our friendship and his feeling for me. When I went up we talked about me possibly going to visit him. He really wasn't thrilled about that, which I can understand so I told him that I respected that and I wont go visit him, but he knows I can't just drop someone I've been so close to for so long so he's accepted that I'll still be keeping in touch with him. I think it is all about boundaries, I mean I tell my best friend that he needs to remember to be respectful of my fiance and although he does slip up sometimes, he's always apologetic when he does. It helps a lot to have trust in each other.

Hisoneandonly · #12 05-31-2011, 05:24 PM

I have a friend out side of my husband that I write, he is actually one of my old managers and I'm friends with his fiancee who is also incarcerated. My husband knows I write him and has told me that as long as it doesn't take away from his time lol. And he gets a copy of the letters he has no problem with it.(I know some people on here would bulk on that. but if he was home he would read my text and emails and I would his as well)...However if T were to ever confess feelings for me. I would have to end the friendship, leaving him alone or not, there is NOTHING worth risking my marriage for.

DP's Girl · #13 06-01-2011, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRsBabyGirl<3

So I have a friend that is locked up, and he has developed feelings for me. Well my fiancé doesn’t want me to talk to him anymore. I will feel terrible if I just drop my friend in a difficult time like this. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess up my relationship, and I don’t want my friend to be without anyone…..how do i handle this?

I assume I am going to be in the minority on this one but I think you should limit your communiation with this friend. If he has developed feelings for you and you continue the friendship that sends the message to both him and your fiance that there may be some interest on your part or at the very least you enjoy the attention.

I have always told Dee I don't have a problem with him having female freinds but it is his responsibility to deal with it if anyone steps over the line. I am held to the same standard. If a friend expresses that he has developed feelings he has disrespected me, my man, and our relationship. In my opinion he has stepped over the line. What would you think if your man had a female friend who has expressed her feelings for him and he continues their relationship as if nothing has changed?

Incarcerated men have a tendency to be insecure but in my opinion any man locked up or free would feel this friendship should end and I would agree. I am not the jealous type and I don't accept too much foolishness due to jealousy but there is a level of respect that is due in a relationship.

How do you handle it? In my opinion you tell this freind you no longer feel comfortable with your friendship because he has crossed the boundary and disrespected your relationship. Explain you are not angry but you will not allow anyone to speak or behave in a way that will be detrimental to your relationship.

I have a question, what did you expect your fiance to say when you told him this friend had developed feelings for you?