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JayJsgirl · #1 06-01-2011, 06:46 PM

Before he went to jail he was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. He was cheating and I found out he went to jail and all the females he was cheating with disappeared before he was even sentenced. I've stood by him through everything and still standing beside him. Well long story short we still argue alot because he wants me to do things his way when I do things my way. He says that he is through being disrespectful and yet and still he calls yelling in the phone accussing me of cheating, Saying when he gets out hes going to do this and do that to me. Im not really scared because I stay in Wisconsin and they have a mandatory arrest for dv law up here. But we are from Chicago and hes paroling to Chicago because its easier to switch states once your released from idoc. But a part of me is scared because of the things that he has done he has dislocated my jaw when I was 3 mos pregnant with our daughter, hit me in the chest with a closed fist and he knows that I have blood clots and is on blood thinners, he has busted my lips, nose, choked me til I almost passed out. Have hit me in the head with a gun, threw lit cigarettes on me, taken my purse for days left me locked in the house for days because the locks were deadbolt(key to get in/out) with lil to no food. Hes verbally abusive in front of the older kids and when we used to go out my oldest daughter would say that she is scared that he was going to kill me. The kids and I went to go see him and we were starting to argue and my oldest say I dont like the way to talk to mama and you need to stop so that we can be a family when you come home he promised her that he would stop and hes right back at it. Then he tells the kids its because of me we argue and fight, and its not. My family dont really deals with me because of him. My mom hates him and threw a brick at him for hitting me in the chest (thats the only time she knows about him hitting me)saying dont he know that he could kill me but I dont think that he care I love him so much and dont want to tear our family apart but I think that we are beyond repair.... I am now on anti depressants because of all the stress him and my mom takes me through with trying to make me decide between the two.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... For those that are wondering there is 6 kids involved

firedancer · #2 06-01-2011, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJsgirl

Before he went to jail he was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. He was cheating and I found out he went to jail and all the females he was cheating with disappeared before he was even sentenced. I've stood by him through everything and still standing beside him. Well long story short we still argue alot because he wants me to do things his way when I do things my way. He says that he is through being disrespectful and yet and still he calls yelling in the phone accussing me of cheating, Saying when he gets out hes going to do this and do that to me. Im not really scared because I stay in Wisconsin and they have a mandatory arrest for dv law up here. But we are from Chicago and hes paroling to Chicago because its easier to switch states once your released from idoc. But a part of me is scared because of the things that he has done he has dislocated my jaw when I was 3 mos pregnant with our daughter, hit me in the chest with a closed fist and he knows that I have blood clots and is on blood thinners, he has busted my lips, nose, choked me til I almost passed out. Have hit me in the head with a gun, threw lit cigarettes on me, taken my purse for days left me locked in the house for days because the locks were deadbolt(key to get in/out) with lil to no food. Hes verbally abusive in front of the older kids and when we used to go out my oldest daughter would say that she is scared that he was going to kill me. The kids and I went to go see him and we were starting to argue and my oldest say I dont like the way to talk to mama and you need to stop so that we can be a family when you come home he promised her that he would stop and hes right back at it. Then he tells the kids its because of me we argue and fight, and its not. My family dont really deals with me because of him. My mom hates him and threw a brick at him for hitting me in the chest (thats the only time she knows about him hitting me)saying dont he know that he could kill me but I dont think that he care I love him so much and dont want to tear our family apart but I think that we are beyond repair.... I am now on anti depressants because of all the stress him and my mom takes me through with trying to make me decide between the two.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... For those that are wondering there is 6 kids involved

Hon the chances of him changing are about the same as my chances of winning the lottery, almost zero. In fact he has demonstrated to you already that he has not changed by his words to you while still incarcerated. He accuses you of cheating and says he's going to do things to you when he gets out. Believe him!!

He has hurt you time and time again and it's not going to stop. The best thing you can do for you and your precious children is to get yourself to a DV shelter for counseling now before he gets out. They can help you with putting a restraining order in place and developing a safety plan. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Free Again · #3 06-01-2011, 08:38 PM

ROFLMAO!!!! Sorry, I'm not disrespecting you, but HE is laughable!!. Do you think he is gonna come out and say, "Oh, by the way, I'm never gonna change, I'm always gonna insult, abuse, violate your rights as a Human being and assault you!!"????. WHY does he wish to move to a place that has easier laws to get around?.He has ALREADY proven that he has NOT changed... Stay in the state you are at, sounds like they are tougher on DV there, But do whatever else you need to do to keep him away from you and your kids!!!. Just a lil side note, WHAT exactly do you love about this creature?. Don't sound much like the reality of him is much to care about at all, perhaps the mask he wears for the rest of the world may have SOME redeeming features, BUT YOU KNOW BETTER!!!!.

Free Again · #4 06-01-2011, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpyoice

wow, 6 kids!!! I am sorry you all went through that. I am on antidepressants too because of my boyfriend hit me while I was 9 months pregnant and he is in jail now because of it. Sometimes it gets to be all too much for me but this Zoloft is working pretty good. What type of antidepressants are you on and do they work?

Zoloft knocked me sideways, the side effects FOR ME were unbearable!!!. I'm on one of the OLD tricyclics FINALLY getting some relief... But, pills are not for everyone, sometimes just getting your diet right and having a GOOD routine that works for YOU is the best medicine....

bumblebee37 · #5 06-01-2011, 09:33 PM

I sure am glad you don't believe him! Pay attention to your mom and your childrens concerns.

Sininen · #6 06-01-2011, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJsgirl

when we used to go out my oldest daughter would say that she is scared that he was going to kill me.

I love him so much and dont want to tear our family apart

Your child is afraid that he would kill you. This is the family you want to keep together?

I.kennedywife · #7 06-02-2011, 08:41 AM

Im a little young but i would say...leave now before he kills you and your children have no mother.It might sound harsh but at times when our love for another clouds our judgement,we need a reality check...He might really love you but he has a problem & needs to get help without you enabling him,he will never get help he needs if everytime he says he going to change you believe him,stay with him,only to be disrespected mentally & physically.Remember we have generational strongholds that can follow our famly forever the cicle of abuse may have started with you but in order to stop it from happening to you children you must break that cicle now....something has to change leave & build back your self esteem & self worth for you & your children god bless

mishalove17 · #8 06-02-2011, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJsgirl

Before he went to jail he was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. He was cheating and I found out he went to jail and all the females he was cheating with disappeared before he was even sentenced. I've stood by him through everything and still standing beside him. Well long story short we still argue alot because he wants me to do things his way when I do things my way. He says that he is through being disrespectful and yet and still he calls yelling in the phone accussing me of cheating, Saying when he gets out hes going to do this and do that to me. Im not really scared because I stay in Wisconsin and they have a mandatory arrest for dv law up here. But we are from Chicago and hes paroling to Chicago because its easier to switch states once your released from idoc. But a part of me is scared because of the things that he has done he has dislocated my jaw when I was 3 mos pregnant with our daughter, hit me in the chest with a closed fist and he knows that I have blood clots and is on blood thinners, he has busted my lips, nose, choked me til I almost passed out. Have hit me in the head with a gun, threw lit cigarettes on me, taken my purse for days left me locked in the house for days because the locks were deadbolt(key to get in/out) with lil to no food. Hes verbally abusive in front of the older kids and when we used to go out my oldest daughter would say that she is scared that he was going to kill me. The kids and I went to go see him and we were starting to argue and my oldest say I dont like the way to talk to mama and you need to stop so that we can be a family when you come home he promised her that he would stop and hes right back at it. Then he tells the kids its because of me we argue and fight, and its not. My family dont really deals with me because of him. My mom hates him and threw a brick at him for hitting me in the chest (thats the only time she knows about him hitting me)saying dont he know that he could kill me but I dont think that he care I love him so much and dont want to tear our family apart but I think that we are beyond repair.... I am now on anti depressants because of all the stress him and my mom takes me through with trying to make me decide between the two.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated... For those that are wondering there is 6 kids involved

Hey sweetie. Reading this gives me flashbacks of my ex. He has a serious problem. He is NEVER going to change. This is a verry severe case of DV. The night I officially left, he was drunk and kicking me on the ground and I was blocking my 2 year old daughter. I was screaming help (I never asked for help before, but I was sooo scared he was gonna get my baby girl too). My neighbors came running up the stairs and rescued me. No one called the cops. I was "protecting him". So stupid, bc it gave me weak evidence in court. Anyways, all along I had secretly been in DV therapy. I finally learned that I was beautiful and smart, and that I didn't have to be treated like that. It's crazy how we find ourselves in bad relationship after bad relationship. I found this friend on Myspace at the time and she supported me through the whole thing. She understood where I was coming from. I suggest you do this too.

I've been abuse free for 2 years now.

I've had 2 relationships. Both of them have been very loving and healthy. Moved on from the first, bc we had different goals. Anyways, I believe in you. If I could do it, you can too. I was abused for 2 years b4 I left!!! Why ohh why did I let another human being make me feel sooo small?

God Bless. I'm here for you if you need me.

mishalove17 · #9 06-02-2011, 10:36 AM

I got an emergency restraining order. Your dude doesn't seem to afraid of the law, but it starts a paper trail. I know it's hard, but you gotta do it. Love Hate relationships are really great when things are good, but DEADLY when things are bad. You need to spend some time single...focus on yourself, your kids... read, walk, talk to girlfriends. Once you take a step back, then you will see the whole picture. Then you will be ready for a Love Love relationship.

Ohhh and don't forget, you are setting an example for your kids. If you let someone abuse you, then your kids will think that it is "normal".

PRECIOUZE · #10 06-02-2011, 10:44 AM

Its a cycle that can not be broken, if you choose to stand by him he will continue to hurt you......you have the chance to be free from all this and your thinking of staying? after every thing he has put you through.......It may be hard to leave him but that is the best for you and your kids.....People don't change to that extreme,and you have a chance to get away from a toxic relationship......It may be hard to leave the one you love,but imagine how hard it will be if your kids loose their mom bcuz he went over board one day and beat you to death......you have your kids to think about......ive never been in a abusive relationship....but my mom was just like you, keep thinking he would change until one day he killed her.......in the end its your decision but you deserve much better....

JayJsgirl · #11 06-02-2011, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpyoice

wow, 6 kids!!! I am sorry you all went through that. I am on antidepressants too because of my boyfriend hit me while I was 9 months pregnant and he is in jail now because of it. Sometimes it gets to be all too much for me but this Zoloft is working pretty good. What type of antidepressants are you on and do they work?

They have me on flexeril and citalopram, it seems to be working a little bit but I still dont feel like my old self.... The flexeril is meds to help me sleep becasue I have trouble sleeping and often wake up after bad nightmares!

JayJsgirl · #12 06-02-2011, 03:46 PM

Thanks all of you for your words of encouragements I just really love for him to change for the sake of the kids because they love him so much and have never been around another man. They dont really know neither side of families because he has always kept us in the house and we go to very little family functions on either side because he dont want to go and feel that when Im with my family Im with a guy so to avoid the problems I just stay home with the kids...

Free Again · #13 06-02-2011, 05:13 PM

Isolation is such an important part of their process Hon. You are feeling the effects right now and they depend on that. Time for you to reconect, with YOUR family. It is hard, I felt soo ashamed and guilty that it was near impossible to be around my family again but I did it, and I cannot begin to tell you the immediate differnces it made. There are quite a few threads on here about "refinding" how YOU are, look a few up. It was hard for all of us to remember who we were, are, or know who we want to be, even what we liked or disliked. You'll get there, I guarantee you, a lot of us were in just as much of a lost state that you are feeling right now, but, when you take the first steps, as scary as they may feel right now, it WILL get easier and even become FUN!!. (((HUGS))) p.s, take a look at the "Bright Spots Along the Road" thread, that is one of my favourites and will give you some ideas too maybe...

nimuay · #14 06-02-2011, 05:33 PM

Darling, they do NOT love him. They are doing their best to stay close - "keep your friends close and your enemies closer!" That's not about love, it's about trying to make sure he likes them so he doesn't hurt them. It's seen all the time in abusive situations.

OK, so that's a pink dreams blown to smithereens.

There's no choice between your mom and him - your mom never did any of those awful things to you!

The fact that your mother doesn't like him and you've avoided your family speaks volumes, mostly about his guilt, and the fact that he knew they wouldn't like him for good reason.

Screw him and his accusations. Get a restraining order NOW! And go to court and get full custody of the kids with only supervised visitation for him. Show pics of him to your neighbors and the police. Ask them to warn you if he's in the vicinity. Warn the school that only you or your authorized representative may pick the kids up at school. And go up to the stickies at the top of the forum for more safety info.

wickit · #15 06-02-2011, 06:02 PM

Letting this continue could cause you to have your children taken from you, they need you! Please get them and yourself away from him before it's too late.

JayJsgirl · #16 06-03-2011, 06:42 PM

Well today I had a doctors appointment to talk about my feelings now that Im on the anti depression medicine and I told my dr whats going on and she made a few calls and I have an appointment monday to go before the judge and get an emergency restraining order and she called a few local dv shelters in the area one which said they will keep available beds open for the chidren and me upon his release from prison. I thank you all because without you guys support I would have never opened up to anyone. I think I can begin to start thinking of me and my children again instead of being told what to think.... Thank you all again *group hug*

nimuay · #17 06-03-2011, 06:50 PM

Oh, good girl!!! And good for your local area for being aware and flexible and available for you.

It's wonderful that you finally were able to talk. I'm sure it took a huge weight off your shoulders.

Hope you start feeling better and better!

Now, have you talked to your family? Or is that the next step? You'll feel much better once you know they've got your back.

JayJsgirl · #18 06-03-2011, 09:01 PM

I haven't talked to them yet! I decided to wait for a little while and get things a little more together because Im not ready for the "I told you so's" "what took so long" and all of that. So Im just taking it one day at a time. I would rather build a better relationship with my kids first before dealing with all thats going to come from my family..

nimuay · #19 06-03-2011, 09:54 PM

Do you really think that focusing on finger-shaking is what your family is going to do? Or are they more likely to bring you in with a huge hug and maybe join you in some bitter tears.

Heck, my Dad performed my marriage (after finding out very little about my husband, and expressing reluctance). And when I had to run, they were the ones that I went back to. No recriminations, just a family conference to figure out how my baby and I were going to be set back on our feet.

Thank god for them. Even though it was difficult, it was absolutely worth going back to family.

JayJsgirl · #20 06-05-2011, 08:30 PM

Unfortunetly I don't have a family like that! They're going to be too busy on the finger pointing and head shaking. I think Im going to try to deal with it on my own in my own time.

Free Again · #21 06-05-2011, 10:58 PM

Like I said.... My family was very dissapointed in me, and I had to go through all the BS, but, I did it. I would say I swallowed my pride but honestly, I had none. I had to nod along and agree how stupid I was, how I shoulda known better, how dare I let the kids be in that environment ect.... I went through all that, but it was STILL worth it.

JJheart · #22 06-07-2011, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJsgirl

Unfortunetly I don't have a family like that! They're going to be too busy on the finger pointing and head shaking. I think Im going to try to deal with it on my own in my own time.

I'm so glad for the decisions you've made. That little voice inside saying, "something's not right" is the Holy Spirit whispering the truth. A lot of people hear it, but go to great lengths explaining it away. You are amazing!!

LOL. I had to giggle at your description of your family. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I can imagine my own mother giving the "well, it's about time!" or "I told you so." You know what, though? It's okay to allow her that victory. It'll sting for like 20 minutes, but your ego can take it.

yourself · #23 06-07-2011, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJsgirl

I haven't talked to them yet! I decided to wait for a little while and get things a little more together because Im not ready for the "I told you so's" "what took so long" and all of that. So Im just taking it one day at a time. I would rather build a better relationship with my kids first before dealing with all thats going to come from my family..

If you want support, and let's face it, with what you're going through, you need support, call the DV shelter. They usually also have programs for kids so that they can process everything that's happening and don't grow up feeling responsible for all the anger and hate they experience between you and him.

Trust me on this - there isn't a kid alive who's witnessed DV who hasn't felt responsible.

I'm glad you're opening up to your prescriber, and you can do that on your own time. However, your kids need help understanding what's going on, and somebody who'll help them process their feelings and their guilt and shame. Since that would be triggering for you, let the pros handle it. Talk with the DV shelter and at the minimum, get your kids involved. You might want to sit in a group or two yourself. You don't have to say much, but listening can help you feel not so alone.

muimui · #24 06-08-2011, 03:22 AM

JayJsgirl, i am in a very similar situation to yours but you r much much braver than me....... i still haven t got the courage to go and seek help.... (i posted in the husbands & boyfriends forum - husband obessesed with my past)
can you please tell me how to get out of this awful life??????????

Momma Ann · #25 06-08-2011, 12:09 PM

pick up the phone. Find a Domestic Violence Hotline. The operator will help. The DV Hotline will tell you exactly where to go for help. Do it NOW.