He's asking me to pay for the phone calls now

[codasgirl04]

Really willow really? If someone told me this on the outside id call them selfish....quit playing the.victim here, don't answer the.phone if it bothers you, no man likes being with a nagger....better yet get.out.of the relationship! Some people on here would die.for a phone call

[MiniMoose]

I just have to say, I've been on my own since I was 15 years old (I am now 54) and have done all of these things too. However, given all I have done in all of my years, I CAN sympathize. And, it makes me want to help more.

Wow, to each their own I guess.

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

FYI when I was in a rut and had no money I went through hell to make it, took out loans and worked full time to pay for school and get my bachelor's, then finally finding a job that supports me after graduation, it wasn't easy and I had no help and even I have a small misdemeanor background, I guess I can't really sympathize as much because I had no one to help me and I didn't rely in any men to help me, so I guess I look for a man who is strong enough to get what he needs by his own work and not by relying on others, hey if a young girl like me can do it an older man should be able to, I love my man dearly but I work hard to have what I have and I expect him to do the same,

[ceci]

He's in prison sweetie I dont really know what you expect from him? I feel bad for him if your going this hard while he is still incarcerated he's gotta be in for it when he gets home. A relationship is give and take, he's down and out right now and needs some help how would you feel if he came home and got a job and then you lost yours and you had no income coming in would you want him to be like well I'm not gonna baby her let her figure it out? I doubt it. And I agree with the other posters you sound resentful of the things you've done and thats just going to create problems when he comes home. I'm not saying this to be mean but i think you need to re-evaluate this relationship cuz I don't really think your cut out for this life.

[hisbabyny]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

im not sure how a man in prison can TAKE CARE OF YOU FINANCIALLY unless he is one of the VERY FEW with a trust fund
with all due respect im not saying be a doormat but if he hasnt show you that he is worthy of YOU chipping in for phone calls then how do you have the trust to even be in the relationship?! i think it says alot about him that he has been paying for the phone calls for 6 months, on a state salary....
no one is saying send him $100. bucks of week' and i dont see how it would make you his mommy to be paying for most of the phone calls during this time.
you have to realize being in a relationship with a man is prison means he has lost most of his independencetemporarily......
loving a man thru this difficult time does require sacrifices not made in free world relationships. ill never understand how a woman can say she loves a man' but wont send a dime for him to get a soup, a snack, or even call her?? unless her and her children are destitute and this is his 3rd bid and she dont want to be with him anymore!!!!! thats the only time i can understand a woman being at that point. or if she jst met the man in prison a week ago....

[Willowtree81]

wow, it seems I have evoked some passionate replies, I do love my man, I do, he's my first love, first everything, we have a pretty deep history, I know I'm not perfect and you all probably think it's so shameful for me to not be 100% there for my man, I am living my own life, and it is demanding and requires a lot of my attention, maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship as many of you think, but there is something about my man that keeps me intensely devoted to him, like he is engraved into my heart, maybe because I am raised Muslim, my Father and Uncles always being the men of the house protecting the women and children ...that this is my belief, but I live in America, and it is quite different, the tradition and culture of Americans is quite different than Iranians, regardless, I do love him and trying my best to make this work, I lost him once and I don't want to lose him again

[hisbabyny]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

wow, it seems I have evoked some passionate replies, I do love my man, I do, he's my first love, first everything, we have a pretty deep history, I know I'm not perfect and you all probably think it's so shameful for me to not be 100% there for my man, I am living my own life, and it is demanding and requires a lot of my attention, maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship as many of you think, but there is something about my man that keeps me intensely devoted to him, like he is engraved into my heart, maybe because I am raised Muslim, my Father and Uncles always being the men of the house protecting the women and children ...that this is my belief, but I live in America, and it is quite different, the tradition and culture of Americans is quite different than Iranians, regardless, I do love him and trying my best to make this work, I lost him once and I don't want to lose him again

perhaps you should do some soul searching. i do believe in traditional roles myself however its just not possible in a prison relationship. i give what i can knowing that my man is not using me and if things were not to work, i am not giving more than i can afford to lose!!! i feel blessed we have each other and any wrongs done me i feel God will handle so i dont stress.... i dont think his mom should have to pay for my phone calls or emails and my man is dependent right now but i have no worries about his character or the future. although his family has helped at times and with visiting expenses. we all kind of work together.... he has always been very independent and generous to others financially....
i would say honestly that you would have to change your mindset if you want this relationship to work' he cant do much from prison and it probably will take a little time once he is home. like another poster said even people with degree's and great experience are unable to get work now, so it wont be easy for him and may take time. as long as you see him putting his best that should be the criteria' but you have to be honest with yourself?
can you really deal with this type of situation -- cause it is what it is!!!!!

the worst thing you can do is make him feel even less than a man because he is unable to support you financially... for both of you'
think about if you can accept this type of circumstance

but to me he seems like he truly was trying very hard because most men wouldnt pay for the calls they would had used the whole $40. state pay on things they need like soap and food. that tells me he was really going all out to call you. but jst be honest with yourself if you cant change your mindset then you arent ready to be with someone in this situation....
honestly not everyone is cut out for this type of relationship its hard work and alot of sacrafice.... hope for the best for you both

[tearfallzbreak]

when he asked me that I stepped and told him no... I couldnt loose everything that I had to keep doing everything for him. I guess it just depends on how much more you can squeeze in but for me that put the icing on the cake... I hope you guys come up with a better solution....

[Patricks_Wifey]

Just sounds like a a prison relationship is not for you if you are self involved. He is not using you girl, when you get a dude asking you to pay for this send him this that or another thing then your being used, he is paying his way and paying more then half of what he earns just to talk to you, obviously he loves you and enjoys to talk to you just cant afford it and still survive in the same breath. if you can afford $1300 but cant afford $25 on the phone like the other ladies said stick to letters

[RedSkittle]

if u are posting to total strangers basically "bitching" about all the things u have done, id sure as hell would hate to hear what u say to him. omg i actually feel sorry for him that he is coming home to u. u sure dont seem good for ur man's self esteem! Inmate does NOT=financially stable...ur looking in the wrong spot!

[LeStrange]

You sound resentful not only for paying for the phone calls but for each and every little thing that you do for him. Some of your list includes researching jobs, getting school transcripts online, etc. These are things the average person does for his or her loved one whether incarcerated or not. Congratulations on being so independent, it's wonderful but does it keep you warm at night?

She sounds VERY bitter. It's like "oohhh I've had to struggle and nobody helped me out so he should have to go through and do the same things I have" and "Woe is me". She'd be the type as soon as the man get's out he'll bail on her just by her selfish me me me attitude. I mean if a person can afford to pay $1300 for an apartment plus utilites and groceries but they can't put $30 or so bucks on the phone is just sad. If a person is using another person then they will not go half on ANYTHING. The ones that CONSTANTLY scream about how independant they are typically are the ones that are always single.

[codasgirl04]

Willow-do you know the success rate of a felon getting a great job?

[akaptrosa]

No one walks in your shoes. Talk to your man and let him know how you are feeling. Go from there....

[GoodBI_girl]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

That may be a good goal for the future when he is free and able to pursue a positon with a higher salary but he is in prison. In prison with expenses of his own and his wages seem barely enough to cover the basics. Have you thought he may have been going without some things from the commissary or even doing things he choose not to do ( not illegal just unpleasant, like cleaning others cells) to cover these calls in the past?

Maybe you can speak to him and ask what his plans are in the future, will he be willing to share expenses or support you more fully when he's out. That would give you some idea of what he can "do for you" in the future. Like others have mentioned he will be struggling to find a job and even may have to take a low paying one for a while. He's been in prison 12 out of the last 16 years you've known him so you have some idea of what he's up against when he gets out.

[WildCherryNikki]

Seriously???

RedSkittle- you hit it right on the nail! my thoughts exactly, poor guy...

[Willowtree81]

I appreciate all your responses, for the person who says if I'm "bitching" on here I must be making him miserable, this is not true, I express myself here what I feel is not appropriate to express to him as I do care for him and do not want to hurt him, this is the first time I have ever experienced something like this, and it is not easy for me, maybe I wasn't cut out for this but what I do know, ever since I've came back into his life he is more hopeful, happier, and not as sad as he was before, I want to help him and be there for him, I have a good life, a wonderful job, an amazing family with my 3 sisters who are my best friends, I have no problems with being in relationships as I have been in serious ones before, I am smart, hard working, responsible, and very loved by many people, I don't feel lonely, I feel blessed, maybe I choose to sleep alone at night because I am waiting for my true love to come home so he can lay next to me, and I dont have any problems finding a man who would be financially successful, that's not specifically what I'm looking for, I push away all the other men and not give them the time of day because my heart is with him, my first love, the first time he pursued me on high school and asked me to be his girlfriend was the best thing that happened to me when I was young, we had a very intense love and were some rebellious teenagers, we were separated by the law and by my strict parents, now here we are again, the circumstances of our relationship do hurt me but I know love is more than that and I just have to be patient, he loves me more than anyone ever has in my life, I'm trying my best to be comfortable with all this and try to be understanding, that is why I come on here to learn from others what I dont know, thank you again for your responses, you are helping me more than you know

[elishaxo]

If you don't want to put money on his account, stick to letters and visits. Cut down daily talks from twice to once. As somebody mentioned, he must love you if he's asking you to put some money towards calls just so he can talk to you more. On my days off my boyfriend calls me quite a lot, almost seems like he doesn't get off the phone. I was financially unable to support his calls as I wasn't working. Now I have found a job I put a little towards his account a month. I put away $10 a week and it hasn't even affected my bills and such. obviously we are all different with money but a little goes a long way. I'm sure if he wasn't in prison he would provide and be independent but at the moment it's a little hard on his behalf. It probably doesn't make him feel any better asking you to do so but maybe he just feels he'd like to be able to talk to you a little more.

[Onedaycloser13]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

FYI when I was in a rut and had no money I went through hell to make it, took out loans and worked full time to pay for school and get my bachelor's, then finally finding a job that supports me after graduation, it wasn't easy and I had no help and even I have a small misdemeanor background, I guess I can't really sympathize as much because I had no one to help me and I didn't rely in any men to help me, so I guess I look for a man who is strong enough to get what he needs by his own work and not by relying on others, hey if a young girl like me can do it an older man should be able to, I love my man dearly but I work hard to have what I have and I expect him to do the same,

I am doing the same thing, with my man in prison. I pay for the calls because he cannot, he make .30 cents a hour. He pays some of his commissary. I pay all of this, because honestly I believe when one is down the other picks up the slack in a committed relationship, he did for me when he was out and will do the same as soon as he can. I just don't understand the whole man makes what he can from his own work, when generally inmates get paid little and are restricted by hours, how in the world can he do that? I just do not understand why you are in a relationship with an inmate, because inmates are generally dependent on others. As was suggested maybe you should just forget the phone calls and/or really think about a relationship with an inmate...just my opinion...it isn't going to get better...and when he gets out he will probably owe money in restitution and may not even be a substantial provider for a while.

[elishaxo]

Originally Posted by Onedaycloser13

I am doing the same thing, with my man in prison. I pay for the calls because he cannot, he make .30 cents a hour. He pays some of his commissary. I pay all of this, because honestly I believe when one is down the other picks up the slack in a committed relationship, he did for me when he was out and will do the same as soon as he can. I just don't understand the whole man makes what he can from his own work, when generally inmates get paid little and are restricted by hours, how in the world can he do that? I just do not understand why you are in a relationship with an inmate, because inmates are generally dependent on others. As was suggested maybe you should just forget the phone calls and/or really think about a relationship with an inmate...just my opinion...it isn't going to get better...and when he gets out he will probably owe money in restitution and may not even be a substantial provider for a while.

30 cents an hour?? Wow! I'm in Australia and my boyfriend makes $8 a day. I think I'll tell him not to complain!

[Willowtree81]

So my lesson I learned here today is for some it is easier to fully take care of your man in prison and for others, it's a bit more challenging, I've never had to take on this role before but I am breaking my cultural traditions, morals, and standards by being there for him, it is outside of my comfort zone, but I am crossing my boundaries because my love for him is deeply rooted into my soul, even if it never worked out, I will never love another as I do for him, it's been tested when we lost each other and I was in other relationships that never felt as good or true as the love he offers me, even before he was incarcerated, we share our deepest secrets to each other, and I never have any shame being who I am around him, he makes me feel valid and normal, comforts me and loves me the way I desire to be loved by a man, I will be a bit more gentle with him and do my best to not dwell on the insignificant things of our relationship, because money doesn't have anything to do with love, you all are right, love beats all odds and I know my darling and I will be together for a long time, thank you for all of your replies, it was a humbling experience to read everyones point of view, this is what this forum is here for, support, and I appreciate your feedback, I wish good outcomes to everyone experiencing their loved one in prison as I now it can be challenging...

[La Divina]

look sweetie im not on here to judge anyone so im not going to judge you but you make it seem like you are the only one going through payments and it sounds to me like you dont truly want to be with him...im 21 years old and i have 2 jobs and im in college i pay rent,cellphone,i send money to my father who isnt in this country and on top of that i have my own expenses and i also pay my college tuition because i dont get any financial aid and let me tell u theres still alot more my man is in prison like most of us here and i dont send him money because he dosnt allow me too but i do pay for our phone calls send him letters and etc..i talk to my mind about 9 times per day meaning that i spend around $300 a week every week and yes its hard but i dont complain because i enjoy talking to em and because since i cant visit is the only connection to em and no one sees me complaining ever u need to reconsider if thats the person u wanna be with because u sound very selfish im just giving u my personal opinion

[wolffy72]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

I don't like that, I do so much out of my day for him, out of everyday, drive 2 hours every week to see him (gas money) write him every day and now I'm willing to have him move in my apartment, I love him but he should keep up the phone call account as he has for the past 6 months, is it wrong for me to get turned off and feeling uncomfortable about him asking me to pay for his phone calls to me, I don't like it, what are your opinions? I don't want to be used, I like a man's man who is independent, should I talk to him about this?? Either way I set up an account today and put 25.00 on it, I have so many bills already, I really didn't feel good about doing that, tell me your thoughts

I can understand where your coming from. Makes you wonder what he is going to expect from you when he gets released. I am married to an inmate and he wants me to set up an account. Can you please tell me how you do this and how many minutes your inmate will get for 25.00. I would really appreciate the help... Thanks a bunch. And I would really like to hear your story. How you met, etc... Have a great day!

[Willowtree81]

I do visit him every week and write him everyday, he's always calling me twice a day, once midday after he gets off work and then another late night because he says he wants to make sure I am safe, he does have a bit of a possessive streak, he doesn't like it when I go out, gets angry if I go to a baseball game or angry if I can't talk to him all day because I'm spending time with my family. I love him and I am trying to understand being in there he feels helpless, I've removed my facebook, stopped contact with majority of my friends because he doesnt feel comfortable me going out, that is why my sisters are my best friends now because I do respect how he feels and dont want to upset him, I dont go on vacations either because the last two times I went to the beach he became extremely anxious because I would be in a bikini and scared another man will take me away, I try to soothe all his worries by accommodating him the best I can, sometimes it can seem overwhelming because I have changed my lifestyle for him, he is always checking on me, when he lost his phone privileges for smoking cigarettes he wanted to have another inmate call me to check up on me and I told him I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, either he is my love, I love him, neither of us are perfect but our love is strong and we are doing our best to communicate effectively and make this work..

[Mrs.Whitmore]

i didn't sit and read all the posts, but i did read a lot of them, i am just wondering what another poster said. how did you figure a man in PRISON was going to be independent, when things like phone calls and commissary cost money. Be lucky your man makes money in prison, mine doesn't have that luxury, he works for free. And i am here with 3 kids paying rent, groceries, tv, gas, and i still send him money for store. We don't do phone calls or visits, but that's a different story, but if we did and could i would damn sure put the money on the account to call, if i wanted to talk that is. And as far as having to support yall when he gets home, you had to know that upon his release that there is a change him finding a job would be hard. That's a fact that i have accepted, and i really want my relationship so i'm willing to make that choice. You do what you feel comfortable with. my man is older than me 31, and im 29. I in no way feel like i'm am being his "mommy" I am being a good girlfriend and supporting our relationship.

[Willowtree81]

1 (800) 844-6591 this is the number I called to set up an account, it is a 25 dollar minimum payment and then you have to pay a 6.95 processing fee. Since our numbers are local it's about .50-.75 cents per half hour. We met in high school, freshman year, I was very shy, never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy when we met. When we met he instantly pursued me and showered me with so much affection and love. About 7 months into our relationship, I lost my virginity to him, we ran away together because my Muslim parents did not want him around me, when we got caught and I was sent home, my parents sent me to an all girls behavioral center in Baltimore, md for over a year. When I got out he was gone, he told me he tried to stop by my house and call me, but my mother would answer and tell him to stay away, years later I got in contact with his brother through facebook and he told me my love had been incarcerated for 12 years now. I immediately asked his brother to have him write me. He did and then called me for the first time on 02/14/2011, valentines day, then I my first visit was 02/20/2011, and as soon as I saw his face I again I knew he was what was missing this whole time, we both realized how deep our love is, a lot of tears were shed in the beginning of our phone calls and visits as we were catching up with each other, its been almost 6 months now, he recently got Pre release a week ago and his parole hearing is in October in which his case manager is recommending immediate release so he is more than likely coming home in a couple months, he keeps saying he wants to make love to me as soon as he gets home but I want to wait until we do (if we do) get married, we'll see

[Mrs.Whitmore]

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

wow, it seems I have evoked some passionate replies, I do love my man, I do, he's my first love, first everything, we have a pretty deep history, I know I'm not perfect and you all probably think it's so shameful for me to not be 100% there for my man, I am living my own life, and it is demanding and requires a lot of my attention, maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship as many of you think, but there is something about my man that keeps me intensely devoted to him, like he is engraved into my heart, maybe because I am raised Muslim, my Father and Uncles always being the men of the house protecting the women and children ...that this is my belief, but I live in America, and it is quite different, the tradition and culture of Americans is quite different than Iranians, regardless, I do love him and trying my best to make this work, I lost him once and I don't want to lose him again

That statement right there bothers me. Your living your own life. I live our life, and the fact of the matter is he is locked up know. So i do the things i have to, to keep the relationship together. While i do take time out of the day to do for me. I never once look at it as just my life. Him and i are in this together. and you yourself admit your not ready for a relationship, why not cut ties, yeah you have a connection, but your going to end up hating him if things don't happen at the speed you wish them too. better to break it off now and save yourself the little you put towards your relationship now, instead of waiting till October, and feeling the real burden of having to support the relationship till he starts working. Honestly what kind of job do you think he will be able to get. More than likely not something that can support the entire household, just saying. I don't think you understand what you got yourself into.