A matter of trust in MWI Relationships

[bernienerica]

Originally Posted by ShoogaBritches

If she 'keeps in contact' with him then either they only talk on the phone and visit or he's lying. Simple as that.
Now, he could have lost his property thereby losing letters...but he can send you the next one that he gets. However, if you press him and he's already put you off...don't be surprised if he pays someone inside to write him a bogus one to send to you, naturally saying what he wants it to.
You'd be surprised how crafty ANYONE can get if they feel they are backed in a corner.

Thanks for the advice.. he said shes never visited him in prison only in county years ago but they just write letters. actually he said he hadnt heard from her since last year november and the day i ask him for her last name to look her up on facebook he decides to mention that he just recieved a letter from her yesterday. thats what made me think like what a coincidence. maybe he thought i was going to question her and he didnt want to get caught up.. idk to be honest i understand that i have trust issues but i have not had any doubts with him for the most part until now. he is really good to me and i often feel like i tend to overanalyze everything that is why i am asking for advice here from you guys. it helps to recieve feedback from others who are in the same situation.

[bernienerica]

he also promised to not write her back and not have any contact with her. i dont want to feel as if im controlling him so i told him he was free to do whatever he pleased to do and he said he still wasnt going to contact her. its just crazy like if he had nothing to hide then why not just prove it by sending me a letter why would he lie about him not having a letter of hers like honestly im not stupid how is it possible that you dont have that letter she just wrote you??? ive been around too long and have experienced so much that i can see thru people and its just a matter of seeing this as a red flag or me being paranoid and overanalyzing this. its like how do i decide or know? i just dont wanna make the same mistakes ive made in my past you know?

[Anjewel]

You know every time time I felt (or was accused) of overanalyzing (why does that look misspelled) anything...it was usually my instinct hitting me upside the head.

All I can do is tell you what I think about the things posted...what you do about it is up t.o you.

[bernienerica]

Grrr this is hard :/ thanks for your advice

[Atomic Songbird]

Originally Posted by bernienerica

he also promised to not write her back and not have any contact with her. i dont want to feel as if im controlling him so i told him he was free to do whatever he pleased to do and he said he still wasnt going to contact her. its just crazy like if he had nothing to hide then why not just prove it by sending me a letter why would he lie about him not having a letter of hers like honestly im not stupid how is it possible that you dont have that letter she just wrote you??? ive been around too long and have experienced so much that i can see thru people and its just a matter of seeing this as a red flag or me being paranoid and overanalyzing this. its like how do i decide or know? i just dont wanna make the same mistakes ive made in my past you know?

Bernienerica, I give you credit for speaking to him about your concerns regarding the other woman he's been corresponding with. But I think I'd even take it a step further; instead of simply telling him that it's "up to him" whether or not he communicates with another woman, I'd be honest. I'd let him know that while certainly it's his decision, the fact remains that it is bothering you (and be sure to explain why). Let him make the decision with those facts in mind. That way you're still not necessarily just dictating what he can and can't do with his life, but you're also being honest and in turn not setting him up for failure either. Because the main problem I see with telling him to decide for himself is that he might very well make a decision you're not okay with, without even realizing he's doing it...and you might develop resentments as a result that could have otherwise been avoided.

If he knows why and how much something bothers you, and he genuinely cares about you, then he can take steps to reassure you. Even if he still values the friendship he has with this other woman (and I wouldn't just assume they're more than just friends either, I certainly have plenty of men in my life who have never been a romantic interest for me but I count them as pillars in my life), he can keep that friendship with her without treading all over your needs and your boundaries and feelings. But he can only do that if he really knows where you stand; if he knows what bothers you, what doesn't, and how you're feeling. I often find using "I" statements is really effective; don't put it on him because that makes anyone, man or woman, feel immediately defensive even if they haven't done anything wrong.

Instead, make it: "I feel this way when I hear that you've been writing to her...here's what I am needing right now..." And then see what he says. See how receptive he is to that.

For my part, trust is definitely something that is crucial in a relationship. And I'm not always super fast to give trust; but I don't mistrust people either. I don't just assume I'm going to be hurt or betrayed in any way. I'm human, of course, prone to human insecurities and doubts; but whenever I feel that way, I talk to J about it. I never let it fester.

Plus, a few others made the excellent point in this thread that trust definitely works both ways. I know J has to have as much faith in me as I do in him; while I have to trust he's not secretly writing to five other women and telling them the same thing(s) he's telling me about plans for the future when he's home, he also has to trust me. He has to trust I'm not likewise dating someone and keeping secrets, or writing to others, etc. After all, it would certainly be easy for me to keep such things from him, given his current circumstances. So the trust works both ways for us. Trust is a gift; I've chosen to give it to him, and he's chosen to give it to me. But healthy communication and honesty are of course both necessary to keep that trust alive and well.

[bernienerica]

Thank you I am glad to say that we have got passed this and I have let it go because honestly I do trust him and I know its my insecurities that get in the way sometimes hes been to good to me to let something like this break us. He respects my decisions and I respect his hes almost home and we are now counting the days

[KirstenTaylorC]

I've always been the type of person to give someone my trust until they prove otherwise. Of course it has gotten me hurt in the past as I'm sure it will in the future but that's life and I've learned to accept it that way. My ex broke my trust early on and without it the remainder of our 5.5 year relationship was rough, rocky and a disaster. It was a great learning experience though.
With B, we started out as penpals and months later developed our friendship into the relationship we have now. I began by slowly opening up to him and he has quickly became my best friend and somebody I can trust and be honest with. I take pride in the fact that we are able to communicate well with one another. With our communication, it has developed a trust we both have for one another. With him being incarcerated, it's rather hard but we both believe as long as we communicate, are honest and loyal, we will make it through the physical seperation.
I don't believe the upfront trust I have given him is a mistake, I believe everyone deserves a fair chance until they prove otherwise.

[Unknownn]

For me it's a mix between giving it upfront and developing it more along the way. Something has happened as of late and our trusst is rocky, but not broken. We are working through it! Trust is a huge thing for us. There are questions I still think and answers I do need, but I don't let it define us.

[Iceony76]

I start off with trusting my man at a 100%. If along the way you do things to hinder that trust it'll diminish little by little until there is nothing. No more trust. No more relationship. He knows all of this already. Trust has been violated before in my previous relationship. So, I don't dwell on it to pinpoint every little thing (oh, your down to 89%, okay 78%) no that'll drive a anyone crazy. I know in my heart what the non-negotiables are that's all.

[LadyBlaise]

I don't want to say I make people "earn" my trust. It is more of the process of getting to know someone. I don't meet people and trust them, but I don't test people or sit around and doubt them.