Damaged By His Cheating, But Can't Seem To Move On

[Peach&Cream]

I was cheated on more than once by my ex ((found that out years after not being with him)), I knew of one gal, found out about her while i was pregnant ((screwed me up, I nearly killed myself)) we were teens when this happened, but still it did a number on me. 15 years later and i still need a band-aide over my damaged heart...

I thought the best way to get over him would be to get under or on top of someones else... that served as a temporary fix, so then I tried college, building myself into a woman and letting go of the childish past, i had a blast and learned a lot, but still in so much pain over it - knowing he was getting out soon I went as far as marrying someone for the wrong reasons. Nothing can fix me, nothing can mend that crack in my heart.

I tried to forgive and let go - 15 years later and we're back together, but damn it there is so much is missing ((well dauhh, he just got out of prison and served over a decade)) - sometimes i feel crazy for putting myself through this. I feel like history and our child keep us together ((ok and great sex)) - trust and communication are missing, arent those like the major tools to a healthy relationship? I'm going nuts - im damned if i walk away and im damned if i stay.

[LeStrange]

Sounds like BOTH of y'all need some kind of couple's marriage or relationship counseling. If this is the man you want to be with then you need to get in some kind of personal therapy but y'all also need some counseling together. You need to sit and think LONG and HARD about why you want to be with him. What is keeping you there since you said history, a kid and "great" sex is keeping y'all together. Those aren't valid reasons to be with someone. Then if you still can't get over it and have issues with it then I'd suggest you shut it down and move on.

[DonnysWmn]

Originally Posted by Peach&Cream

I was cheated on more than once by my ex ((found that out years after not being with him)), I knew of one gal, found out about her while i was pregnant ((screwed me up, I nearly killed myself)) we were teens when this happened, but still it did a number on me. 15 years later and i still need a band-aide over my damaged heart...

I thought the best way to get over him would be to get under or on top of someones else... that served as a temporary fix, so then I tried college, building myself into a woman and letting go of the childish past, i had a blast and learned a lot, but still in so much pain over it - knowing he was getting out soon I went as far as marrying someone for the wrong reasons. Nothing can fix me, nothing can mend that crack in my heart.

I tried to forgive and let go - 15 years later and we're back together, but damn it there is so much is missing ((well dauhh, he just got out of prison and served over a decade)) - sometimes i feel crazy for putting myself through this. I feel like history and our child keep us together ((ok and great sex)) - trust and communication are missing, arent those like the major tools to a healthy relationship? I'm going nuts - im damned if i walk away and im damned if i stay.

Has he done anthing as an adult to make you not trust him ? A 15 year old boy has no control. He's a man now. If you can't trust the man then it's time to move on

[Miss_A]

Girl, you need to go back to your first love - God. You know He can heal you.

[#1AndOnly]

Another thing to try and remember here my friend is you can take time, you don't have to have the "family" committed relationship immediately. Take time so he can figure out who he is now out here. Take time to learn each other again. Let your daughter focus on her relationship with him because that is one that should be strong regardless of what happens with you two.
You know I wish you so much happiness and the best of whatever comes your way. I just don't want you to ... 'want' it so bad you ignore what your gut is telling you ...

[caribbeanblue77]

These are just some thoughts:
Trust doesn't grow over night, it needs time to develop (on both sides). I would say, take that time. I would also say take it slow. Let him build up a stable life first and then move together. Spend time together, enjoy the relationship, spend time together with your child, work on your communication and trust issues. And then, when you think that communication works and that trust is there and that your relationship will be able to also survive through stormy weather, then take the next step and move together. I mean, what's the use if you moved together and then after a few months you have to admit that it doesn't work out? I wouldn't do that for the sake of your child. As I said, just some input.

[Doll Eyes]

The problem is when someone cheats, you may always have that thought in the back of your head......every time he steps out the door, or the phone rings, it's like "Is he cheating, what's happening?" the trust has been broken. Somtimes it just can't be rebuilt.

The only thing you can do (IMO) is give it some time, and figure out if you can get over it in your heart and head. And if you can't, it will drive you nuts if you stay.........

Good luck, wishing you happiness.

[angels_girl]

I also think you should give it some time. Let him discover who he is now and what he wants in life. Give him the chance to build his relationship with his daughter and go from there. Take it day by day.

[Peach&Cream]

this fool is great at hooking me - he's going to be in my head and life screwing with it till im dead! the hell if i'm not going to wait around for anything - im not settling!! i heard from him today after not hearing from him since sunday night... i ripped into him - he told me he didnt know i was so needy - news breaker I SURE THE FK AM and since he cant seem to do well with giving me what i need - im done! just like that.... im going out this weekend, dressing up, drinking, dancing and getting my pretty little body felt up! im way too hot to be waiting around for a fool to come to his sense when im breaking my back for his a**... he can do that while im out having fun.
God I love him tho

[codasgirl04]

Ya'll need some counseling

[passionfruit]

Originally Posted by Peach&Cream

this fool is great at hooking me - he's going to be in my head and life screwing with it till im dead! the hell if i'm not going to wait around for anything - im not settling!! i heard from him today after not hearing from him since sunday night... i ripped into him - he told me he didnt know i was so needy - news breaker I SURE THE FK AM and since he cant seem to do well with giving me what i need - im done! just like that.... im going out this weekend, dressing up, drinking, dancing and getting my pretty little body felt up! im way too hot to be waiting around for a fool to come to his sense when im breaking my back for his a**... he can do that while im out having fun.
God I love him tho

wow u haven't heard from him since Sunday...I suggest as the others ..you both need counseling or move on... Its like you both are playing the tip for tap game...and that's not a strong relationship...my own opinion..

Yes go out have a ball get touch by men...when its all over ..reality will hit and you and him is back in the same bullshty!!!

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Peach&Cream

this fool is great at hooking me - he's going to be in my head and life screwing with it till im dead! the hell if i'm not going to wait around for anything - im not settling!! i heard from him today after not hearing from him since sunday night... i ripped into him - he told me he didnt know i was so needy - news breaker I SURE THE FK AM and since he cant seem to do well with giving me what i need - im done! just like that.... im going out this weekend, dressing up, drinking, dancing and getting my pretty little body felt up! im way too hot to be waiting around for a fool to come to his sense when im breaking my back for his a**... he can do that while im out having fun.
God I love him tho

No offense, and I'm not trying to be mean, but keep it real. It doesn't sound like your emotionally ready or mature enough for an adult relationship. Age is just a number, it's not a guarentee of maturity. You already said you guys don't have trust and communication...so how is he to know what you *need*? You talk about not settling...but you also say this is the guy you can't get over, and you used other people, even marrying one of them in an effort to "prove" something, either to yourself or him. You need to figure out what you really want and what really matters and not be with ANYONE until you know who you are and what you want first, and what kind of example you want to lead for your child. Your just going to hurt yourself and others in the process otherwise. Like others have said, therapy is a good idea.

[Peach&Cream]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

No offense, and I'm not trying to be mean, but keep it real. It doesn't sound like your emotionally ready or mature enough for an adult relationship. Age is just a number, it's not a guarentee of maturity. You already said you guys don't have trust and communication...so how is he to know what you *need*? You talk about not settling...but you also say this is the guy you can't get over, and you used other people, even marrying one of them in an effort to "prove" something, either to yourself or him. You need to figure out what you really want and what really matters and not be with ANYONE until you know who you are and what you want first, and what kind of example you want to lead for your child. Your just going to hurt yourself and others in the process otherwise. Like others have said, therapy is a good idea.

na girl come on with it, ur cool.

im not going to hook up with anyone by going out and having fun - shoot im 31 and have only had two real long relationships (ok lifer counts too i guess so 3) there is no way im crawling into any relationships right now -
as for my kids dad - oh Lord help me there cuz i sure dont have time to sit with a counselor, not at this point in my life - later i'll still need it, i'll get it done. right now, im going to enjoy my early 30's.

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Peach&Cream

na girl come on with it, ur cool.

im not going to hook up with anyone by going out and having fun - shoot im 31 and have only had two real long relationships (ok lifer counts too i guess so 3) there is no way im crawling into any relationships right now -
as for my kids dad - oh Lord help me there cuz i sure dont have time to sit with a counselor, not at this point in my life - later i'll still need it, i'll get it done. right now, im going to enjoy my early 30's.

Glad to hear it...by all means, go out, have fun and live life. But it sounds like your holding onto so much pain and anger from the past...with your kid's dad, and maybe even before that which you may have experienced in your own family as a kid that it's having a profound effect on your relationships. That's what therapy will help you with, when your seeking it. Sorting through your strong, conflicting feelings and putting them into balance and perspecctive.

[sidewalker]

I think your making a wise decision.
Go live your life and enjoy yourself (just not TOO much )
You'll be surprised how memories fade, and become little more than just another page in your life.
Onto new and BETTER things.

[#1AndOnly]

What I'm concerned about is how you're daughter is handling all this.
She sees what is going on.
Please talk to her and be open to her feelings. Maybe counsling for her and her dad ? I sure hope he doesn't disappear from her life again.

[Peach&Cream]

Originally Posted by #1AndOnly

What I'm concerned about is how you're daughter is handling all this.
She sees what is going on.
Please talk to her and be open to her feelings. Maybe counsling for her and her dad ? I sure hope he doesn't disappear from her life again.

sure my daughter has been the witness of a young troubled couple, she's not a victim though - yup her father was in prison for 12 years and she's about to be 14 ((looong time not to have dad around hua)). her mother is a hard working devoted mother who has surrounded herself around educated healthy people, always putting her daughter FIRST -
my daughter knows i mask my pain and knows very well were the dysfunctions begins.... ive kept life very real with her while maintaining control of myself, my personal issues do not roll over on me handicapping me of my motherly duties. as for how she feels towards her father, she defends him to the max now that she's getting to know him (and knows me, she puts me in my place and reminds me of my insecurities).... she is much more like him than she is like me - she adores her father and he adores her.... she will not be used as a chess piece!!

i kept her from him for 6 years out of the 12 years he served - one of my life's largest regrets to date, but her father and i cleared the air about it when he got out and we both understand one another's reasons and reactions.

there is a lot we are going to have to grow past - recently i realized that while he was in prison he was able to deal with his issues were as i masked all of mine and the end of our relationship. so im picking up with him exactly were we left off, however he's not picking up the same way ((thank God)) - yup, i've got a lot of work to do on myself... thanks for pointing that out to me as some of u have, really thank you.

i grew up angry with every right to be, but never knew how to deal with the anger - i have abandonment issues and it def leaks over into my relationship with my daughters dad - only him - my other two relationships were "convenient" & i saw the ends of them from the very beginning - i do not see an end to my ex-husband and i, i mean i see death in our future of course, but no other means of an end.

thanx, i appreciate your concern for our daughter.

[#1AndOnly]

Good, it seems like you are keeping ur head in the game and not just ur heart which is gonna make the difference for everyone in the end. :-) good for u for not putting ur daughter in it, I don't know if I could be that strong .