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mslaura0828 · #1 08-25-2011, 10:31 PM

So,I have been on this site a couple times.I'm so confused(and needless to say;sad).I've been with my bf for 5 years and we have a daughter together.When we first got together he cheated.I couldn't get over it.Sometimes still can't.I forgive him but can't forget.So I know that really hurt our relationship.What has also hurt us was his friends.They are a bad crowd.No one has written him while he has been in and all of a sudden his friend wrote him talking about the "hood"and that was it for me.I had done everything to change our lives and he only has 10 mons left so if he thinks he is getting out and going back to all that;he is crazy.I gave him an ultimatum that if he wanted his old life,not to write me anymore.I haven't heard from him in a month.i guess he chose his old life rather than the one I wanted for us.I'm so depressed and I just hate this feeling.I know he was getting transferred but they just told him a month ago.My birthday is in 3 days and Ill be hurt if I don't hear from him.He is such a good person that makes dumb decisions.But my question is how do I move forward?Should I write him or wait?Or what would you do?

WaitingForHer1 · #2 08-25-2011, 10:50 PM

You made one step forward by setting up a boundary and telling him that you do not want to be part of his life if he chooses to go back to the people, places and things that put him where he is today.

Truthfully most of them do return to their old friends and lifestyle after they get released because that is all they know. Until the problems that caused them to commit a crime get resolved you can't really expect anything else. This would only happen if he admits on his own he has a problem and then gets involved in cognitive therapy, 12 step programs, rehab. etc. Even if he were to do all that it would take years for him to turn his life around. The relapse rate is high.

If it were me I would keep going forward and never look back. Yep, you can do it one day at a time.

FastCarGirl · #3 08-25-2011, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mslaura0828

So,I have been on this site a couple times.I'm so confused(and needless to say;sad).I've been with my bf for 5 years and we have a daughter together.When we first got together he cheated.I couldn't get over it.Sometimes still can't.I forgive him but can't forget.So I know that really hurt our relationship.What has also hurt us was his friends.They are a bad crowd.No one has written him while he has been in and all of a sudden his friend wrote him talking about the "hood"and that was it for me.I had done everything to change our lives and he only has 10 mons left so if he thinks he is getting out and going back to all that;he is crazy.I gave him an ultimatum that if he wanted his old life,not to write me anymore.I haven't heard from him in a month.i guess he chose his old life rather than the one I wanted for us.I'm so depressed and I just hate this feeling.I know he was getting transferred but they just told him a month ago.My birthday is in 3 days and Ill be hurt if I don't hear from him.He is such a good person that makes dumb decisions.But my question is how do I move forward?Should I write him or wait?Or what would you do?

First, happy (almost) birthday. If your state has an inmate locator website, you might want to check it first and make sure he hasn't already been moved. It's possible your letter got there after they already moved him, and they can be very slow to forward them.

Sadly, ultimatiums rarely work. Unless he's willing to walk away from the "hood" on his own, your facing a losing battle. If he's not ready, forcing him to choose will either 1. cause him to start lying and doing what he wants behind your back, or 2. cause him to resent you, and possibly start acting passive/aggressively and start blaming YOU for HIS problems.

My recommendation is to be honest about how your feeling and write him, because that communication seems to be what YOU need right now. It's perfectly acceptable to make a boundary that if he goes back to drugs, if he goes back to runnin' the streets with bad influences and puts his freedom at risk, that's a deal breaker for you and you'll have to walk away for the sake of your kids safty and your own sanity. But talk/write it out with him, so your both completely clear on where each of you stands.

mslaura0828 · #4 08-25-2011, 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

First, happy (almost) birthday. If your state has an inmate locator website, you might want to check it first and make sure he hasn't already been moved. It's possible your letter got there after they already moved him, and they can be very slow to forward them.

Sadly, ultimatiums rarely work. Unless he's willing to walk away from the "hood" on his own, your facing a losing battle. If he's not ready, forcing him to choose will either 1. cause him to start lying and doing what he wants behind your back, or 2. cause him to resent you, and possibly start acting passive/aggressively and start blaming YOU for HIS problems.

My recommendation is to be honest about how your feeling and write him, because that communication seems to be what YOU need right now. It's perfectly acceptable to make a boundary that if he goes back to drugs, if he goes back to runnin' the streets with bad influences and puts his freedom at risk, that's a deal breaker for you and you'll have to walk away for the sake of your kids safty and your own sanity. But talk/write it out with him, so your both completely clear on where each of you stands.

Thank you so much.I haven't felt this down in a long time.He has never had any of his family in his life and all he had was his friends and eventually me&his daughter.He was never into drinking or drugs just fighting(lots of it)but to me he was great.I hate to just leave but I'm not going to do this all over again.I've been wanting to write him but figured I should wait.I probably will though.Thank you so much

mslaura0828 · #5 08-25-2011, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitingForHer1

You made one step forward by setting up a boundary and telling him that you do not want to be part of his life if he chooses to go back to the people, places and things that put him where he is today.

Truthfully most of them do return to their old friends and lifestyle after they get released because that is all they know. Until the problems that caused them to commit a crime get resolved you can't really expect anything else. This would only happen if he admits on his own he has a problem and then gets involved in cognitive therapy, 12 step programs, rehab. etc. Even if he were to do all that it would take years for him to turn his life around. The relapse rate is high.

If it were me I would keep going forward and never look back. Yep, you can do it one day at a time.

It just sucks to move forward and not look back but maybe this was just Gods plan for me :/

skellerton · #6 08-26-2011, 07:14 PM

If he is still in and gravitating back towards his old friends and life, this is not a good sign. He is in a bad spot and even if he "thinks" he can get out of it, chances are good it will continue to slip away; starting with little things and moving towards more serious ones. Don't be sucked into the vortex of this with a daughter to bring up , it just isn't worth it. You need to detach yourself from "loving" him and re-evaluate who he really is. Step back and see it for what it is, and see your child having to "look up" to it. I think I know what you'll conclude, even though it is sad and really hard on your emotions. In the end, its about the quality of your life from the point of view of a rational person. You can't, and should'nt do it to yourself.
I'm sorry for your disappointment.

LeStrange · #7 08-26-2011, 07:58 PM

Girl he basically has chosen his bad "friends" and lifestyle over you. That should be enough for you to move on. He is letting you know just how much he cares about you and the relationship. As for your b-day. Look they give b-day shout outs on PTO in the shout out forum or whatever. I'm sure your family will wish you a happy birthday. Why care whether some bum ass prison dude gives you a shout out

. Go out with some friends, have fun, have some drinks and move on with your life.

lifeshard · #8 08-26-2011, 11:01 PM

I say, give him a little bit before writing him. I feel your pain, it sucks & it hurts like crazy...it is the worst feeling checking the mail, only to find bills and junk in there, hoping to see his writing. the one thing that has kept me somewhat stable is reminding myself that 'what will be,will be'. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you want my honest opinion, I don't think it's that he chose his 'bad crowd' over you. I think that he feels like everything in his life is 'controlled' right now & when you gave him the choice he took it as your way of controlling him. He feels like you are trying to keep him from having friends. Which is NOT the case....I know what its like to have to 'relive' the struggle of him hanging with the unhealthy crowd & the fear of going through this again. Keep your head high...be proud of who you are & it'll all work out. Everything will turn out just the way its suppose to, even if it doesn't include him...Hugs!

mslaura0828 · #9 08-26-2011, 11:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lifeshard

I say, give him a little bit before writing him. I feel your pain, it sucks & it hurts like crazy...it is the worst feeling checking the mail, only to find bills and junk in there, hoping to see his writing. the one thing that has kept me somewhat stable is reminding myself that 'what will be,will be'. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you want my honest opinion, I don't think it's that he chose his 'bad crowd' over you. I think that he feels like everything in his life is 'controlled' right now & when you gave him the choice he took it as your way of controlling him. He feels like you are trying to keep him from having friends. Which is NOT the case....I know what its like to have to 'relive' the struggle of him hanging with the unhealthy crowd & the fear of going through this again. Keep your head high...be proud of who you are & it'll all work out. Everything will turn out just the way its suppose to, even if it doesn't include him...Hugs!

Oh my gosh you are awesome!

You knew EXACTLY what I am feeling and how to help me feel so much better and relieved....Thank you.