Lies, can you repair it...

[Beachhouse]

I have asked about 5 different people and I'm curious. If a guy lies, even by omission, one time, and breaks trust is that it? Will they lie more? Can it be fixed? Does what they lied about change the answer?
My friends all have different answers from, he lied to protect you to, once they lie it's done they will know they can get away with it and continue. So I'm a bit confused. If a guy lies by omission, but tells himself okay if certain criteria is met he will be honest, if not he will keep it to himself. Can that be worked with and the situation fixed? Has irreparable harm been done? Some of the people I asked don't know I mean in a situation such a prison so maybe that changes the answer as well. There seem to be so many variables.

My example is a guy does something but doesn't tell he did it. Then tells himself if someone asks specifically about that thing he will be honest and tell. Someone wanders by, asks specifically, and he tells everything, but says "hey if you hadn't have asked I wasn't planning on telling."
In a prison relationship trust is so valuable, but at some point many have done something untrustworthy to land in prison. Is it even a big deal something like not telling? I'm curious to get a broader range of opinions that know it's a prison relationship, which may or may not affect the opinion. Thank you.

[perduesgirl]

I think if not irrepairable then certainly it's going to take great effort to mend the damage it caused. I am speaking from first hand experience. I was wondering if this isn't learned inside and then brought to us by the ones who have been in for awhile? Either way half truths or failing to mention something is a lie just as much as a blatant untruth is. It causes so much damage and suspicion and doubts I am not sure recovery is going to be possible.

[countryzgirl]

Any knowing misrepresentation of fact with the intent to deceive or mislead is lie. Not all lies are the same, though. Context is important.

Your question is, I think: A man lies, and then soothes his conscience about it by vowing to admit the truth if/when asked directly about it. He is asked directly about it and he tells the truth. Is this situation different than if the man simply lied?

My answer: No. He still chose to lie. His vow to admit the truth is meaningless and, IMO, childish. It's good he has a conscience, but perhaps not a strong one. Privately promising to do the right thing at some uncertain future event doesn't erase the lying. It just doesn't. The moral choice is to consistently tell the truth from the start. Maybe the dude's Karma will be better, but he's still a liar.
Is this something that can be worked with? I dunno. Depends on the circumstances and people involved. There's no clear answer without more info.

[Maya2007]

You cannot repair a lie. Once he is either caught or tells you many months down the road the truth. He lead you on a lie. Once you find out one particular truth then you found out others.... Seriously I don't understand why lie about anything in the first place. Your gonna get caught... which is stupid I think.

My relationship with my ex was based on a lie... everything was a LIE.

[Margmelon]

My fiance has lied to me and ya it hurts but i think he can be helped. I lay that on him because he knows if he doesnt change his son and i will be gone. And i can always tell if hes lying to me or not. Youll find more people against lying and cheating than people willing to work it out. Good luck to you!

[countryzgirl]

Originally Posted by Maya2007

My relationship with my ex was based on a lie... everything was a LIE.

Mine too.

[ohsweetmaryjane]

Originally Posted by Maya2007

Your gonna get caught... which is stupid I think.

My relationship with my ex was based on a lie... everything was a LIE.

LOL, yes, we always catch them don't we? And then they look super stupid for lying in the first place, and we look super smart for catching them, haha.

Everything in my "relationship" (can't even really call it that for real) with my ex was a LIE. I have letters from him from when he was in jail that year, LIES. When my new man gets out, we actually have a plan....he has a bunch of LIE letters from his ex (from when he was in prison before) and we're going to put them together with my LIE letters from my ex, and burn them in the fireplace. LOL.

[Sheryl P.]

I don't know about a lie but I always say he has the right not to answer anything since all our conversations are on tape and letters are read.
It is his rear in a sling if he says something "incriminating" so though I hate lying with a passion,I do allow for the change of subject or non-answer.

[Boandaisey]

It depends on the situation I think. Most do not have any idea what goes on behind those walls and trust me you do not want to know. I have worked behind those walls. There are many factors to consider. Yes a lie is a lie. My husband lied about something to me in an attmpt to protect me. When I discovered it was a lie I was furious but most of all I was hurt. He was apologetic and I accepted his appology. When I went to visit and looked him in the eyes I told him if he ever lied or deceived me again it is over and I meant it. I would prefer the truth and deal with it than to hear the lie.
On the other hand it is a game of survival inside of there.

[KatieM.]

I am not basing my answer on prison. I just think that in general, people lie. The reasons are different and the degree and the situation of the lie is different. So, it depends on if it can be repaired or not. Was there a lie and then it was resolved or is it a series of lies. A series of lies, I can't deal with that. Being afraid to be truthful and then later working up the courage and making it right..........yeah I can deal with that. I should be able to deal with it. I can forgive as I would hope to be forgiven. Shoot, I have lied too. None of us are perfect.

[mrsharper17]

Well the problem comes when one lie causes a new lie and a new lie and a new lie. My husband had this issue last year. He had to cover one with another and another which is what ultimately lead to his incarceration now. He has never been a good liar lol and didnt used to at all except maybe some little white lies. But now he has been caught up in all of them. When he got caught in the major one i told him he needs to open up about EVERYTHING for us to be able to work through it. And so far he has except for some that could go against him in jail which i understand since everything is monitered or recorded. But we will be having a nice loooooong talk in 60 days when he gets out

[FastCarGirl]

[quote=Beachhouse;6462050]I have asked about 5 different people and I'm curious. If a guy lies, even by omission, one time, and breaks trust is that it?

For me, it depends. It depends on the lie, the reasoning behind it and how open I was to hearing the truth and listening.

For example, Frankie's a dope fiend. I pray to God everyday that he doesn't relapse when he gets out. But I'm realistic that it's possible he will. I've not put an ultimatum on him, that if he screws up, even once, I'm history. I'd rather know, so we can get him some help before it gets worse, instead of telling himself "f- it, I've already screwed up this good thing I had going, may as well go all the way and have fun."

If I'm totally closed off and the consequences of popping one oxy is we're over, he probably would lie by omission....to save his own butt and our relationship. And then start sneaking around behind my back getting more drugs.


Will they lie more?

Which, if I stick with the dope fiending behavior, yeah, they'll lie more out of the same fear that caused them to lie in the first place.

Can it be fixed?

Yes. It can be fixed. Trust can be re-earned, better communication on both parties can help, and actions that back up the words will help.

Does what they lied about change the answer?

For me, it's more the "why" than the what. We all have deal breakers and things we won't tolerate, not even once. Cheating is that way for me. Break up with me or divorce me before you cheat on me. If I was cheated on, I would expect the cheater's not going to be all that forthcoming with the information...but I also wouldn't trust him and it'd be over anyway.

If they were lying about little things or stupid stuff that didn't matter, I'd be more concerned. Because when there's no logical reason to lie, and they do anyway, there's a serious problem there.

[Beachhouse]

Well dang I had a nice reply that got deleted. I love your guys responses! Your all amazing and thought provoking. Thank you this is exactly what I wanted.

So for context here is what happened.

A woman, we refer to her by her initials, has harassed me. She has stated she is in love with him and we've realized she is obsessed. He did give her a visitor form but never told her she was approved. Approval was in August. We discussed it and were holding off because of her behavior towards me. So at our normal weekly visit I casually asked "hey, did anyone visit yesterday?" His response was "do you really want to know, I wasn't going to tell you, DB visited." He said she visited and told him she's interested in some guy, wants to be friends, and "isn't interested in his body". Her fast change of tune could be because he was going to end their friendship for good, he'd told her this. This could also be why she was there. He prefers discussing things in person not in txt or email. So that could be part of it, but i feel that's reaching. I dislike her but this was not her fault, it's his. This was the lie. He had to have written her and told her to come. we haven't talked about it further, so I still don't know further details. I hope to get some mail this week.

[Temeron0926]

My Man lied to me by omission when we first met. It was something he needed to tell me, but he wasn't sure how I would take it. He wanted to get to know me better before he brought it up. It was a very serious thing. Even tho I understood his not telling me (which he did tell me sooner than he expected to, because I asked him outright about it), it was STILL a lie.

We had a very serious talk about it the day I asked him. I told him point blank that if he EVER lied to me about anything (and yes, I WOULD find out) we were DONE! I don't lie and I don't expect the man who claims to love me to lie to me. Yes, I know he is a criminal, I know he is inside for doing something dishonest, but he didn't do it to ME. He did it before I ever met him.

We have been together for 18 years now and no, he hasn't ever lied to me. I KNOW when he wants to, but he doesn't. We are 100% honest with each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

So, in MY opinion, a lie is a lie is a lie..............and yes, a lie by omission is still a lie.

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

Well dang I had a nice reply that got deleted. I love your guys responses! Your all amazing and thought provoking. Thank you this is exactly what I wanted.

So for context here is what happened.

A woman, we refer to her by her initials, has harassed me. She has stated she is in love with him and we've realized she is obsessed. He did give her a visitor form but never told her she was approved. Approval was in August. We discussed it and were holding off because of her behavior towards me. So at our normal weekly visit I casually asked "hey, did anyone visit yesterday?" His response was "do you really want to know, I wasn't going to tell you, DB visited." He said she visited and told him she's interested in some guy, wants to be friends, and "isn't interested in his body". Her fast change of tune could be because he was going to end their friendship for good, he'd told her this. This could also be why she was there. He prefers discussing things in person not in txt or email. So that could be part of it, but i feel that's reaching. I dislike her but this was not her fault, it's his. This was the lie. He had to have written her and told her to come. we haven't talked about it further, so I still don't know further details. I hope to get some mail this week.

Is it possible after all this time not knowing if she was approved, she called the prison, found out and showed up to surprise him? I mean, he told you the next day she visited, but may not have if you hadn't brought it up.

Hope you hear from him soon with the full story.

[countryzgirl]

Why isn't it possible she just showed up?

[Flowers4015]

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

Well dang I had a nice reply that got deleted. I love your guys responses! Your all amazing and thought provoking. Thank you this is exactly what I wanted.

So for context here is what happened.

A woman, we refer to her by her initials, has harassed me. She has stated she is in love with him and we've realized she is obsessed. He did give her a visitor form but never told her she was approved. Approval was in August. We discussed it and were holding off because of her behavior towards me. So at our normal weekly visit I casually asked "hey, did anyone visit yesterday?" His response was "do you really want to know, I wasn't going to tell you, DB visited." He said she visited and told him she's interested in some guy, wants to be friends, and "isn't interested in his body". Her fast change of tune could be because he was going to end their friendship for good, he'd told her this. This could also be why she was there. He prefers discussing things in person not in txt or email. So that could be part of it, but i feel that's reaching. I dislike her but this was not her fault, it's his. This was the lie. He had to have written her and told her to come. we haven't talked about it further, so I still don't know further details. I hope to get some mail this week.

Ok, i was being understanding of his side at first, being in there, there are situations that may need to be "hidden" from us. My husband "lies" to me alot. But i always know when he is, he sends me "hints".... We have a mutual understanding that some situations need to be "ommited" and i KNOW when and why and how he tells me those lies. But, this is not imo, one of those situations.... My question is WHY WOULD HE HAVE SENT ANOTHER GIRL, WHO HE KNEW WAS INTERESTED IN HIM, A FORM IN THE FIRST PLACE??? That alone would have REALLY upset me! You dont send forms to ppl that you DONT WANT TO VISIT YOU! Imo, that was disrespect to you and your relationship. Please dont feel like im "passing judgement", i just value respect! And especially in a relationship like the ones WE have.... We put alot "on hold" for these men, stay true and devoted, get judged by others, and SO MUCH MORE. But, that doesnt stop us from doing it. It doesnt stop us from loving them, and we are HAPPY to indure the pain and struggles, because we have REAL TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND RESPECT for our men. So i got a bit "off" on that, sorry. Lol. I dont believe my relationship would last in this situation, but we are both very much alike in our beliefs on this matter..... And he would never consider doing something like this, and neither would i if the shoe were on the other foot. And neither one of us would expect forgiveness or an overlook either. Every relationship is different, and i wish u well in whatever u decide.... Just for me.... This would not be an ommision or "lie" that i could accept. Good luck girl, and god bless.

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

Is it possible after all this time not knowing if she was approved, she called the prison, found out and showed up to surprise him? I mean, he told you the next day she visited, but may not have if you hadn't brought it up.

Hope you hear from him soon with the full story.

This is extremely possible and something I thought if as I was retyping my post. And that does make me glad that no matter what the answer is I've taken time to try to sort through to find what part really irks me before we talk about it. and asking on here really helps to get different views.

She could have surprised him. If that's the case then he didn't have a chance to not tell me really because I came like normal the next day. I asked the question and he answered. His answer may have been incorrectly stated in the moment, if this is what happened, then I think he'd have written to me and told me, and not wanted to waste our hour on her. Just as I didn't know before, but felt hurt by his saying he wasn't going to tell me, I still don't know. I will be happy to let him tell me what happened. If its something than can be moved past then all we've lost is a week of letters ( I didn't write) in the bigger picture a week is nothing, he's got at least 14 yrs before he can try for parole.

Maybe I'll get mail today, or see him Sunday. If he invited her to come he did run a huge risk of me running into her. I normally go Sundays leaving sats for the few people that visit. Though I have been known to come sat and even both days.
Thanks guys for you insights.

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Flowers4015

Ok, i was being understanding of his side at first, being in there, there are situations that may need to be "hidden" from us. My husband "lies" to me alot. But i always know when he is, he sends me "hints".... We have a mutual understanding that some situations need to be "ommited" and i KNOW when and why and how he tells me those lies. But, this is not imo, one of those situations.... My question is WHY WOULD HE HAVE SENT ANOTHER GIRL, WHO HE KNEW WAS INTERESTED IN HIM, A FORM IN THE FIRST PLACE??? That alone would have REALLY upset me! You dont send forms to ppl that you DONT WANT TO VISIT YOU! Imo, that was disrespect to you and your relationship. Please dont feel like im "passing judgement", i just value respect! And especially in a relationship like the ones WE have.... We put alot "on hold" for these men, stay true and devoted, get judged by others, and SO MUCH MORE. But, that doesnt stop us from doing it. It doesnt stop us from loving them, and we are HAPPY to indure the pain and struggles, because we have REAL TRUE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND RESPECT for our men. So i got a bit "off" on that, sorry. Lol. I dont believe my relationship would last in this situation, but we are both very much alike in our beliefs on this matter..... And he would never consider doing something like this, and neither would i if the shoe were on the other foot. And neither one of us would expect forgiveness or an overlook either. Every relationship is different, and i wish u well in whatever u decide.... Just for me.... This would not be an ommision or "lie" that i could accept. Good luck girl, and god bless.

It's not always initiated by the inmate. In Ohio, the visiting form is online, all you have to do is print it out and send it in. Different states have different rules.

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

It's not always initiated by the inmate. In Ohio, the visiting form is online, all you have to do is print it out and send it in. Different states have different rules.

To clear that part up. In Cali the inmate sends the form. They have been friends for longer than we have, between 6-8 yrs I think. And because if her feelings for him she's tried to be more of an involved friend so they have spent time hanging out etc. we've only known each other for 5 yrs. just started dating with one date the weekend before the prelim. Trial then our second was rain checked by the arrival of his father early. I didn't want to have my son come on my date with his dad so we postponed, I couldn't get a sitter in short notice. Then jail / prison Happened.

So the form went out to her, then we realized her behavior was getting really weird and he never told her she was approved. He put her off when she'd ask. But he can revoke the form.

[Flowers4015]

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

To clear that part up. In Cali the inmate sends the form. They have been friends for longer than we have, between 6-8 yrs I think. And because if her feelings for him she's tried to be more of an involved friend so they have spent time hanging out etc. we've only known each other for 5 yrs. just started dating with one date the weekend before the prelim. Trial then our second was rain checked by the arrival of his father early. I didn't want to have my son come on my date with his dad so we postponed, I couldn't get a sitter in short notice. Then jail / prison Happened.

So the form went out to her, then we realized her behavior was getting really weird and he never told her she was approved. He put her off when she'd ask. But he can revoke the form.

Well i hope u did not take offense to my reply, like i said, my post was based on my relationship, and every relationship is different. And, of coarse, ONLY YOU KNOW ALL the details on the situation. I can understand him sending the form before the "drama" began. That makes me feel a little better about the issue.

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by Flowers4015

Well i hope u did not take offense to my reply, like i said, my post was based on my relationship, and every relationship is different. And, of coarse, ONLY YOU KNOW ALL the details on the situation. I can understand him sending the form before the "drama" began. That makes me feel a little better about the issue.

I couldn't take offense. None was meant and different views were what I asked for and needed. : )
He wrote to me today and said he felt like "sh@$" (edited for online viewing) Part of the entire thing existed before I came into the picture and he never recognized her real motivations until now. I just haven't pushed the issue because I'd rather he realizes what she is really like for himself. He has started to. Thanks for the help.

[agoodwoman318]

I cant repair my past.....ITS OVER
I can be better & do better today.
I may not tomorrow!

Mine protected me by NOT telling me.

Trust is a choice.

Baby, I dont know you face to face but I still get hurt almost daily from his lies.......

I know I have a gun in my mouth & my finger on the trigger so to say. But it is a choice I make. It is so hard but we cant go forward if I stay on the past.

When he went to jail one of his people kicked in our door & took everything in our home (everything included the dog) Tommy tried to kill me & thought he did. He broke my face (skull)
I cant discribe how angry I was at my man for bringing those people into our home & life. I almost died again on the table.
But I didnt. I forgave. My face is now plastic plates. Ive lost sight & my job. I dont rub his face in it but some times (weather changes) my face hurts. I say it hurts. But I dont dwell on it.

Forgiveness is a choice. Pick a side of the fence cuz once you do you cant switch sides. Forgive or leave.....
Trust me if you dont do one or the other it will eat you alive.
Pray......

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by agoodwoman318

I cant repair my past.....ITS OVER
I can be better & do better today.
I may not tomorrow!

Mine protected me by NOT telling me.

Trust is a choice.

Baby, I dont know you face to face but I still get hurt almost daily from his lies.......

I know I have a gun in my mouth & my finger on the trigger so to say. But it is a choice I make. It is so hard but we cant go forward if I stay on the past.

When he went to jail one of his people kicked in our door & took everything in our home (everything included the dog) Tommy tried to kill me & thought he did. He broke my face (skull)
I cant discribe how angry I was at my man for bringing those people into our home & life. I almost died again on the table.
But I didnt. I forgave. My face is now plastic plates. Ive lost sight & my job. I dont rub his face in it but some times (weather changes) my face hurts. I say it hurts. But I dont dwell on it.

Forgiveness is a choice. Pick a side of the fence cuz once you do you cant switch sides. Forgive or leave.....
Trust me if you dont do one or the other it will eat you alive.
Pray......

Thank you. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I agree can't got back and forth, have to pick one and stick with it.

[Flowers4015]

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

I couldn't take offense. None was meant and different views were what I asked for and needed. : )
He wrote to me today and said he felt like "sh@$" (edited for online viewing) Part of the entire thing existed before I came into the picture and he never recognized her real motivations until now. I just haven't pushed the issue because I'd rather he realizes what she is really like for himself. He has started to. Thanks for the help.

That is great! Not that hes feeling bad, just that hes coming to reality, and all on his own!