Being with a liar.

[Reece'sBaby]

Aghh this is such a long story and I don't want to bore all you who don't care, but if anyone thinks they can help me please chat me.
Basically I've been with my bf for 16 months and he's been locked up last 2..
In the past we ALWAYS had issues about lying to me, no matter how simple (or complicated) he would try and hide it from me. But each time I forgave and forgave no matter how much it killed me.
So these past 2 months have been hard on both of us and really I consider him my best friend and he's the only one I want to talk to. Him being locked up really made me realise how much I want to be with him for the rest of my life (big call - I'm only 16). But I asked for his fb pass on sunday and he gave me it, I went on to his archived chats to find he had a brief conversation with an ex in which he wrote about being high! - he was casually taking dr*gs! And I never caught on! I knew he dealt them but he always swore he didn't take them since he was with me.
To be honest, finding that out made me physically sick, it feels like my world just crashed around me!
And the worst part is I can't even tell anyone because I'm so ashamed! I spent the last year and more defending him to everyone! Bragging about how he stopped using for me! I feel like such a fool!
I just don't know how to react? Am I wrong being this upset? Should I have saw it coming? Am I overreacting? "/

[nimuay]

Big lies and little lies and medium-sized lies all mixed together . . . but they're always lies. And it's possible that you're under-reacting, not over. Think about all the issues that can come up in life, and think about having to find the truth of every last one of them for yourself. It can be as simple as "Honey, did you pay the electric bill?", and if he lies, a few weeks down the road, your lights are off. Or he keeps lying about dealing/doing drugs, and in a year or two your home is raided and you're hauled off to jail overnight because nobody believes you couldn't have known he was dealing out of the house.

Good luck, but don't push that luck too far!

[rose80]

Being with someone who lies is hard. And it will continue because he knows you will accept it and forgive him. It totally blows that you protected him and defined him about not doing drugs when in fact he was, that is a slap in the face! Hun, you are so young still. I am 31 years old, take this advice from me. Being 31 I am still learning and growing into the person I am to be. I remember when I was 16, and there was so many guys I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but so much has change within me and it will in you. You probably think your madly in love with your man but one day, some one is going to sweep you off your feet and you'll be so amazed. You should take a time out from this dude and teach him a listen that you do not accept him lying anymore to you. If he is going to be with you he will have to earn the trust back! good luck!

[BadGrlGoneGood]

This situation is really not even worth the stress it's causing you. He's a liar, and a drug user, and he's in juvenile detention, and he's made you look foolish in front of others for defending him when he was still using. In reality, if you drop him now, you'll forget he even existed within a few months. Every 16 year old kid at some point thinks that they are in true love or that they've found their soul-mate. It's part of the process of maturing. But it just isn't reality. You are still discovering the world, life, yourself, your sexuality, and all of that. It just isn't even reasonable to think this relationship will last especially considering the circumstances. Leave it alone and forget about it, go have fun being a kid with your friends. It would be the mature thing to do. No, of course you're not wrong for being upset and you're definitely not overreacting.

[Reece'sBaby]

Thanks for all the advice, my heads telling me that you are all right, I know it's not good for me. But it's just I don't feel ready to let go yet, like our time is up
And I feel like I can't abandon him now, even though this past couple of weeks I feel so used and unappreciated "/
I'm completely split in two, head or heart??

[adamnmaggie]

I'll tell you that from personal experience you just described my x husband to a t. He was and is a habitual liar. He was using drugs when I met him and claim to have stopped because of me. Well he did for a while but when we broke up for good he went back to them. I was married to him for 6 years and have 3 children. My point is please don't make the same mistake I did. I am now stuck with him til the day I die because of our children. Those 6 years were hell. I endured physical and mental abuse. You are so young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Before you jump into wanting to spend the rest of your life with anyone get an education and have fun. Trust me please I have been through this!!!

Sent from my Zio using PrisonTalk

[Patty]

We teach others how to treat us. You continually forgave his lies so he knows it is okay to lie to you and you will forgive him. That might fly for you at age 16 but where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? Trust me it won't be pretty if you continue on as you are. You deserve better. I hope you realize that soon because I know your life will improve greatly when you do. Best of luck to you.

[Reece'sBaby]

I see EXACTLY what you all mean. Thanks so much. I just don't know how to let it all go, like all the good times.. I was 15 when we started going out and when I look back I felt so young and carefree.. Now I'm coming 17 and feel like I'm going on 40, this has just added so much pressure to me and on my teenage years. And I know I will probably always resent him for that (a wee bit) its just hard to picture my life without him because I love him..
I'm also worried about what he'll do, he's in til November 2013.. That's a long time to know you can't fix things
I'm talking myself in circles

[Patty]

Originally Posted by Reece'sBaby

I see EXACTLY what you all mean. Thanks so much. I just don't know how to let it all go, like all the good times.. I was 15 when we started going out and when I look back I felt so young and carefree.. Now I'm coming 17 and feel like I'm going on 40, this has just added so much pressure to me and on my teenage years. And I know I will probably always resent him for that (a wee bit) its just hard to picture my life without him because I love him..
I'm also worried about what he'll do, he's in til November 2013.. That's a long time to know you can't fix things
I'm talking myself in circles

I had a lot of good times at age 15 as well and one month past my 16th birthday I gave birth to my first child. I wouldn't take that part back but I gotta tell you that if I had it to do over again I would make different choices. That's easy for an old gal (49) like myself to say in hindsight though. I feel you, definitely and I KNOW what you are dealing with is more difficult than anything you've been through before, however, down the road you will look back and think "huh, what was THAT about?" Everything happens for a reason, we just don't always know what that is as quickly as we wish we did. There are SO many options available to you at your age, so many directions your life could take you in. I know that's probably real hard to hear right now because "you love him" but it's true. You don't have to make a decision tonight, you're lucky in that respect. In the end the very best that you can do is to be true to yourself and to those you come into contact with. I wish you ALL THE BEST.

[BelieveInUs]

You're very young and you have a whole life to live. You should LIVE this life and leave hard choices for when you'll be older. From what I know, your boyfriend is pretty naive because he gave you his password knowing what was in his inbox... I know it's hard but I think you have two choices: stay by him as a friend giving him support but living your own life outside or leave him at his business. People can change, for the good and for the bad. It usually takes ages but prison makes this process faster. You can see how it turns out for him: becoming a better person or not. The best thing you can do is talking to him and see what he has to say about it. Then, only you can decide if you can trust him or not. Big hugs!

[lovemipapi]

your in "love" with sum1 who's lied...so you honestly can not LOVE HIM! you don't even Know HIM! Lies being told left n right become bigger and more and more! I have a 12 yr old daughter from a man who was a habitual liar! We got pregnant early in the relationship before I found out all the lie's he told. he was NOT the person he claimed to be NOT AT ALL! He does NOT know his daughter, and my daughter now has a 10yr old younger brother and a 10mo old baby sister (not my children but this habitual liars children ) that of which he does not know these other 2 children - his brother n his wife have won custody (adopted) on grounds of abandonment of the 10yr old lil boy (they have had him since he was bout 3yrs old) - recently everyone became aware of the baby girl....each of those mothers got all the lies too!

If this is not the life you want to end up going thru i suggest you jus walk away now! Your young and your in love with sum fun times that's it! cuz honestly you NEVER know a guy that lies not rlly kno them you only kno what they make you think they are!

[countryzgirl]

Originally Posted by Reece'sBaby

Thanks for all the advice, my heads telling me that you are all right, I know it's not good for me. But it's just I don't feel ready to let go yet, like our time is up
And I feel like I can't abandon him now, even though this past couple of weeks I feel so used and unappreciated "/
I'm completely split in two, head or heart??

There are times in life when you must listen to your head. I understand how strong your feelings are for him. Please listen to what you're telling us. You say you don't want to abandon him. Do you know that each time he lies to you, he abandons you? You say you feel old, used and unappreciated. Does that sound like a woman that has a loving man by her side? You say it's hard to picture your life without him. Sweetie, you're already living your life without him. It might hurt to end this relationship. That pain will not last forever. Life is full of unexpected joy. Get out there and find yourself some.

[Reece'sBaby]

You are all so wise.. I just need the courage to do it.. But his mum is telling me wise tales too about when she was young and was in love and got married and even though they aren't still together they still have a deep connection and are each others true loves, which makes me think what if I throw away mine?
For a while it felt like me and him could overcome ANYTHING because god knows we haven't had an easy ride.. But with him in there and me left picking up the pieces I'm just not sure anymore..

[J'sWifey<3]

It really isn't that bad! At least u didn't find out he had a baby with another woman or he cheated! Things could be a lot worse! I say u just blow it off and make the best of the situation bc all of that negativity will hurt the both of you!

[nimuay]

Seriously????????? As long as he hasn't cheated, lying about anything and everything else is OK? Holy wow!

[J'sWifey<3]

Things could be a lot damn worse than that, is all I'm saying! Either u forgive and forget and move on or u don't! People lie! People make mistakes! There are worse things going on in this world to other people! I'm different! I forgive for everything but that's just me. I'm not saying she has to forgive him, just giving my opinion, just a u are!

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by Reece'sBaby

Aghh this is such a long story and I don't want to bore all you who don't care, but if anyone thinks they can help me please chat me.
Basically I've been with my bf for 16 months and he's been locked up last 2..
In the past we ALWAYS had issues about lying to me, no matter how simple (or complicated) he would try and hide it from me. But each time I forgave and forgave no matter how much it killed me.
So these past 2 months have been hard on both of us and really I consider him my best friend and he's the only one I want to talk to. Him being locked up really made me realise how much I want to be with him for the rest of my life (big call - I'm only 16). But I asked for his fb pass on sunday and he gave me it, I went on to his archived chats to find he had a brief conversation with an ex in which he wrote about being high! - he was casually taking dr*gs! And I never caught on! I knew he dealt them but he always swore he didn't take them since he was with me.
To be honest, finding that out made me physically sick, it feels like my world just crashed around me!
And the worst part is I can't even tell anyone because I'm so ashamed! I spent the last year and more defending him to everyone! Bragging about how he stopped using for me! I feel like such a fool!
I just don't know how to react? Am I wrong being this upset? Should I have saw it coming? Am I overreacting? "/

Your too young and need to live your life! First, is this guy an adult? Is this why you are ashamed of talking to anyone about him? If he is an adult, you/he is looking at trouble.

I suggest you let him go and move on with your life. You need to live and experience life, before you get wrapped up with someone in jail.

Peace~

[Reece'sBaby]

Originally Posted by InmateLover67

Your too young and need to live your life! First, is this guy an adult? Is this why you are ashamed of talking to anyone about him? If he is an adult, you/he is looking at trouble.

I suggest you let him go and move on with your life. You need to live and experience life, before you get wrapped up with someone in jail.

Peace~

Well he's 19, it's just everyone told me from the start he was gonna be trouble but oh no I wouldn't believe it and now look where it got me.. I feel so dependant on him now, we had plans and now once again everything has just been ruined by his lies

He hasn't rang me since I questioned him about it yesterday morning.. He and I both broke down in tears. I just want to try and talk through it, I know he'll only suck me back in though "/

[Erics4ever]

Originally Posted by J'sWifey<3

It really isn't that bad! At least u didn't find out he had a baby with another woman or he cheated! Things could be a lot worse! I say u just blow it off and make the best of the situation bc all of that negativity will hurt the both of you!

If this was your 16 year old daughter having this issue, would you give this advice to her? Would you want someone else giving her this advice???This actually IS that bad! He HAS cheated. HE cheated her out of honesty every single time he lied!


OP-I see your situation from sooo many views!! At 16 (met at 12) I knew I was in love and he would be my husband. Everyone said we were young/it was puppy love etc. In many ways they were right. However, I am now 37 and he is my husband and in March it will be 26 years since we 1st fell in love. If I could go back and change anything (except for prison) I wouldn't. But the difference in our situations is HE HAS NEVER LIED TO ME no matter what the truth was. Big lie, small lie, they are ALL LIES and he loved/respected me enough to ALWAYS give me the truth and let ME decide what I could/couldn't deal with. Whether you're 16 or 56, you can't have a good relationship where lies exist. It's like building a sandcastle on water, the foundation isn't strong and it will crumble.

I have many nieces ages 2-29. I watch the older ones with their bf's and they often come to me for advice. I have one who is 25, started seeing a boy when she was 16. He lied to her about using/selling drug but I saw through all of his bs. I told her to leave him alone. She wanted to give him a chance to change. He continued with the lies about many things. She got so stressed out she lost weight and went down to 85lbs at about 5'2''. She kept giving him chances. Now he has been in/out of jail, she has 2 daughters with him, he does not work or do ANYTHING for his girls but parade them around like they are trophies. The only thing that has changed about him is his age.

You didn't start to love this boy overnight so you will not get over him overnight. Honestly, I doubt that you love HIM, you love his representative, who he pretended to be. You deserve honesty/respect and he hasn't given you that, but there is a young man out there who can/will. YOU should not feel bad/stupid or anything else. YOU can't change him, he has to want to change/take the steps to change/actually change because HE wants to. Being involved with drugs at ANY AGE is a very serious issue and so is being involved with someone who uses them. You are too young, imo, to have to deal with the stress/mood swings/possible police involvement/los of money and everything else involved with drug use. You are better and YOU DESERVE BETTER than this. You want to leave, you KNOW you should leave, but you're looking for a reason/justification to stay. Sweetie you can't just talk things through and make things better. HE HAS TO CHANGE! Breaking out in tears doesn't mean anything. Telling you he wants to change doesn't mean anything. Him ACTUALLY changing means something! I'm telling you what I would tell my daughter who will be 19 next month. But when she was 16, if a 19 year old was involved with her, I would have given him a reason to break down in tears!!

[Reece'sBaby]

Originally Posted by Erics4ever

If this was your 16 year old daughter having this issue, would you give this advice to her? Would you want someone else giving her this advice???This actually IS that bad! He HAS cheated. HE cheated her out of honesty every single time he lied!

OP-I see your situation from sooo many views!! At 16 (met at 12) I knew I was in love and he would be my husband. Everyone said we were young/it was puppy love etc. In many ways they were right. However, I am now 37 and he is my husband and in March it will be 26 years since we 1st fell in love. If I could go back and change anything (except for prison) I wouldn't. But the difference in our situations is HE HAS NEVER LIED TO ME no matter what the truth was. Big lie, small lie, they are ALL LIES and he loved/respected me enough to ALWAYS give me the truth and let ME decide what I could/couldn't deal with. Whether you're 16 or 56, you can't have a good relationship where lies exist. It's like building a sandcastle on water, the foundation isn't strong and it will crumble.

I have many nieces ages 2-29. I watch the older ones with their bf's and they often come to me for advice. I have one who is 25, started seeing a boy when she was 16. He lied to her about using/selling drug but I saw through all of his bs. I told her to leave him alone. She wanted to give him a chance to change. He continued with the lies about many things. She got so stressed out she lost weight and went down to 85lbs at about 5'2''. She kept giving him chances. Now he has been in/out of jail, she has 2 daughters with him, he does not work or do ANYTHING for his girls but parade them around like they are trophies. The only thing that has changed about him is his age.

You didn't start to love this boy overnight so you will not get over him overnight. You deserve honesty/respect and he hasn't given you that, but there is a young man out there who can/will. YOU should not feel bad/stupid or anything else. YOU can't change him, he has to want to change/take the steps to change/actually change because HE wants to. Being involved with drugs at ANY AGE is a very serious issue and so is being involved with someone who uses them. You are too young, imo, to have to deal with the stress/mood swings/possible police involvement/los of money and everything else involved with drug use. You are better and YOU DESERVE BETTER than this.

I know you all may disagree again but I had a boyfriend the year before Reece and he had proposed and everything! Proper planned our future, we went out over a year, I realised it was puppy love, got bored and ended it... I do believe I love Reece with all my heart (now) even though when we started going out I didn't take it seriously, it took me a long time to be sure about this and I know it's not puppy love cause I feel like I'm 50 right now it's that serious..

Thank you soo much for all your help and advice. It's just so hard to adjust to etc

And I really do feel so naive and stupid for believing him but I was CERTAIN I would know if he was using but I guess I missed the signs and meph isn't easy to tell when he's on it.

I keep hoping prison will reform him now, but what if I wait on him for 2 of my teenage years and he comes out and does the exact same..
What would you all do for love? "/

[J'sWifey<3]

You know what?? If u really love someone, you'll forgive them! People mess up and deserve to be forgiven but if they keep messing up over and over then you know what you have to do! Go with your gut instinct! Follow your heart! I've been thru the whole prison issue and I'm going thru it again! But I would never leave his side! But then again we have been together for 9 yrs, since high school!

[Reece'sBaby]

Originally Posted by J'sWifey&lt

You know what?? If u really love someone, you'll forgive them! People mess up and deserve to be forgiven but if they keep messing up over and over then you know what you have to do! Go with your gut instinct! Follow your heart! I've been thru the whole prison issue and I'm going thru it again! But I would never leave his side! But then again we have been together for 9 yrs, since high school!

I might just do that!
But when do you know when enough is enough? Because this is the 3rd or 4th major lie he has told me, and everytime I actually die a little bit inside. But I don't think I'm ready to give up - not yet "/

[nimuay]

Forgive once, that's fine. Being forced to forgive and overlook time after time is a killer. It kills love. It kills trust. It kills joy most of all.

And let's face it, he's not in prison for lying . . . that's just ANOTHER bad choice.

[J'sWifey<3]

Originally Posted by Reece'sBaby

I might just do that!
But when do you know when enough is enough? Because this is the 3rd or 4th major lie he has told me, and everytime I actually die a little bit inside. But I don't think I'm ready to give up - not yet "/

Then you're not ready to give up yet! You'll know when enough is enough! Just don't ever let it ruin you! Bc you will end up hating each other! Good luck tho! I hope things turn out good for you! If you have the smallest doubt, don't do it! Bc it'll be easier for you to let go now than later on!

[Reece'sBaby]

I just done something really stupid and told him I couldn't be such a hypocrite too because I kissed someone and lied about it.. Then he got all annoyed with me and said he had to go.. Aghh surely if I can forgive him time after time he can forgive me? No?
Awk I've just things more messed up but I couldn't go on lying because I want us to have an honest relationship starting now.. "/
Que sera, sera