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BryansBaby12 · #1 02-24-2012, 07:55 PM

My husband will be going in within the year. His behavior has changed drastically and i'm not sure i can hang on. I have nowhere to turn & no one to talk to. I think he's wanting me to give up and walk away. He has no idea how close i am.

Klewis · #2 02-24-2012, 08:11 PM

That is usually their attitude. They want to push you away before you can walk away. I am sure he is having a lot of different emotions right now. You need to try to talk to him and let him know that you are trying to hold him down but he is not making it easy. Maybe some time apart when he do get locked up will make him come to terms with what he does have and he will learn how to let you love him.

BryansBaby12 · #3 02-25-2012, 08:01 AM

We tried to talk and it ended up in an arguement from hell. According to him it's all my fault. I have told him "am i scared???" hell yes i am, id be lying if i said no. I have never been put in a situation like this. I have the ATF and the Feds up my butt making me justify myself and the way i live....i have done nothing wrong except love Bryan. I'm at a loss...completely helpless. He told me this morning we probably won't make it through this.....should i walk away now????

AwareNow · #4 02-25-2012, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BryansBaby12

We tried to talk and it ended up in an arguement from hell. According to him it's all my fault. I have told him "am i scared???" hell yes i am, id be lying if i said no. I have never been put in a situation like this. I have the ATF and the Feds up my butt making me justify myself and the way i live....i have done nothing wrong except love Bryan. I'm at a loss...completely helpless. He told me this morning we probably won't make it through this.....should i walk away now????

As a detached observer, I see two things: 1) It appears there are two people (you and him) thinking of beating the other to the punch to be spared the humiliation of being "dumped" 2) Once he's locked up, it won't matter much because you won't be around him much irrespective of whether you're together or not.

BryansBaby12 · #5 02-25-2012, 09:18 AM

i had no desire to walk away until recently. I do have 3 kids to think about. He doesnt think of the kids or their feelings....i think because they are not "his". he is the only dad they have right now, but i refuse to let them be trampled on or punished for something they had nothing to do with. This isn't Bryans first go around with the prison system, im beginning to think he will never be able to stay out for good. My concerns are legit, as are his. If he would rather be without me all he has to do is say the word. All this hurting we are doing to each other and our family is un-necessay. It would hurt like hell to walk away, but i would out of the respect i have for him if thats what he truly wanted. So am i in fear of being "dumped"....NO We are both going through alot of emotions. Its a time to try to stick together, not pull away.....The choice is his

LimeTiger · #6 07-05-2012, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BryansBaby12

i had no desire to walk away until recently. I do have 3 kids to think about. He doesnt think of the kids or their feelings....i think because they are not "his". he is the only dad they have right now, but i refuse to let them be trampled on or punished for something they had nothing to do with. This isn't Bryans first go around with the prison system, im beginning to think he will never be able to stay out for good. My concerns are legit, as are his. If he would rather be without me all he has to do is say the word. All this hurting we are doing to each other and our family is un-necessay. It would hurt like hell to walk away, but i would out of the respect i have for him if thats what he truly wanted. So am i in fear of being "dumped"....NO We are both going through alot of emotions. Its a time to try to stick together, not pull away.....The choice is his

All I can say is that I know exactly what you're going through. My husband will be going in soon and he's been absolutely unbearable. He's always in a bad mood, taking everything out on me. He gets mad about the stupidest things...but all I can keep telling myself is that he is freaking out. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes...how would I feel if I knew I was going away for 3 years? I know it's hard to leave a family out here and he's just flippin' out. I figure if we can make it through the couple months before he goes in, we can make it through the 3 years!

Quite honestly, I've been questioning whether I should just walk away too, but I can't bring myself to do it. I shouldn't have married the man if I can't support him through one of the toughest parts of his adult life. And, I can't bring myself to abandon him. I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to continue to fight for him.

As an aside, this is my very first post, I've just been lurking for a month or so. Why did I choose to respond to this post? Well, I got online tonight to look for someone else going through what I am going through tonight. He's angry at me again. He's angry at me because I didn't tell him I wasn't hungry for dinner (he says he could have eaten a long time ago if he knew I wasn't hungry). Seriously? Did he ask me earlier if I was hungry? NOPE! Unbelievable...unfrickinbelievable. Anyway, I'm so glad I found your post!

InmateLover67 · #7 07-05-2012, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BryansBaby12

My husband will be going in within the year. His behavior has changed drastically and i'm not sure i can hang on. I have nowhere to turn & no one to talk to. I think he's wanting me to give up and walk away. He has no idea how close i am.

Only you know what is right for you and your future, so take some time to reflect on what this marriage has given you and if it is worth working through.

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband, and if so, how does he respond? If you have not talked to him, it is time to have a heart-to-heart and see if you can come to an understanding.

Hope it all works out for you!

Peace~

Scotties_Girl21 · #8 07-05-2012, 09:30 PM

I agree with what inmatelover said. Its probably a good time to sit down and have a heart to heart and see where both of your feelings are. Its your decision in the end. I hope you find the answers that are best for you and are content, and at peace with them.
:Goodluck:

Every day brings me one day closer to you....<3

Scott · #9 07-05-2012, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BryansBaby12

If he would rather be without me all he has to do is say the word. All this hurting we are doing to each other and our family is un-necessay. It would hurt like hell to walk away, but i would out of the respect i have for him if thats what he truly wanted. So am i in fear of being "dumped"....NO We are both going through alot of emotions. Its a time to try to stick together, not pull away.....The choice is his

He has said the word. He would rather be without you. That's what happens when people make the decision to go to prison, especially in light of previous prison experience. Not his first rodeo, he knows, apparently, what the consequences of his actions and behavior are.

Sorry, but the choice about what YOU do is YOURS not his. Maybe that's part of the problem - making either other responsible for the well-being of the other. It doesn't work that way. You have to make the choices that work for you and your children - he has to make the choices which work for him, which obviously include prison.

It does seem like a bit of a manipulation that you don't want to "own" this, in terms of you making any separation be about what "he wants."

And, whether you separate or not, he's going to prison, apparently by his choice (at least at some level) so you'll be separated. Your focus should, rightfully, be on making the financial, emotional and situational transition as smooth and efficient for yourself and your kids.

Wifewaits · #10 07-06-2012, 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LimeTiger

All I can say is that I know exactly what you're going through. My husband will be going in soon and he's been absolutely unbearable. He's always in a bad mood, taking everything out on me. He gets mad about the stupidest things...but all I can keep telling myself is that he is freaking out. I keep trying to put myself in his shoes...how would I feel if I knew I was going away for 3 years? I know it's hard to leave a family out here and he's just flippin' out. I figure if we can make it through the couple months before he goes in, we can make it through the 3 years!

Quite honestly, I've been questioning whether I should just walk away too, but I can't bring myself to do it. I shouldn't have married the man if I can't support him through one of the toughest parts of his adult life. And, I can't bring myself to abandon him. I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to continue to fight for him.

As an aside, this is my very first post, I've just been lurking for a month or so. Why did I choose to respond to this post? Well, I got online tonight to look for someone else going through what I am going through tonight. He's angry at me again. He's angry at me because I didn't tell him I wasn't hungry for dinner (he says he could have eaten a long time ago if he knew I wasn't hungry). Seriously? Did he ask me earlier if I was hungry? NOPE! Unbelievable...unfrickinbelievable. Anyway, I'm so glad I found your post!

The scenarios described here I think are very common in our situation. My husband self surrendered last October to the Feds. This was after years of wondering, waiting, a bunch of endless crap, a plea deal (which one agrees to because the threat of what will happen if you lose in a trial is just too much to handle) the PSR (you know all up your butts about everything and then writing their distorted take on things), finally ending up with a Role enhancement from the PSR Guidelines due to lies from witnesses, who were disgruntled prior employees. The role enhancement doubled the time and departed from what was to be home confinement and probation to 21 months in a FPC. The lawyer was completely incompetent and we drew the worst judge in Los Angeles. My husband was absolutely bonkers. It was awful. We are a couple that goes years without cross words and things got pretty bad for us leading up to the Self-Surrender. Then he went to court and asked for an additional time before surrendering while he spun out trying to file motions, appeals, sentence reconsideration paperwork, etc. He got the time extension and I was out of my mind. I didn't think I could bear it. The day of Self surrender, he decided he wasn't going and I freaked out. I finally took my son and left the house. He called a couple hours later and we had the longest silent drive of our lifetime. It took several months for us both to calm down. During his first few months of incarceration as he was being dehumanized by the system, he was having problems with the loss of all control about any and all decisions being made at home without him, meanwhile I am at home trying to cope as a single mother of a young boy working 1 and 1/2 jobs to make ends meet and just trying to get through. We had several more huge fights. One time, I almost left visiting and I hung up the phone a few times.

Well, it has been almost 9 months, we are halfway through. We are both much better and now realize that when you go through something so horrendous as a Prison Separation, that it is important to stick together and support one another. We both realize not to sweat the small things and now just can't wait to get back to our lives together. I am seeing the second half of his sentence so much easier and the time is going by much quicker.

I miss him, I love him and I can't wait until he is home

I hope this helps. Good Luck. Hang in there, obviously both partners are having a lot of emotions during such a difficult time.