Hard time writing my old cellmate - stresses me out

[trashisfree]

I did 6 months, most of it with Gary, who I still care about. But every time I have to write him, I am stressed out and depressed for days. It would be easier for me to write someone I didn't do time with personally.

It was pretty miserable for me, major knee problems with no clue what was wrong, the worst food I have ever seen for someone who is a pretty hardcore foodie, no internet, used to living comfortably. Plus still grieving from my wife dying of asthma, which was how I got busted and went to prison for drugs.

It really doesn't help too that he is always bugging me to bug his friend for money. I have gotten to be good friends with his one super responsible friend, have done some occasional work for his friend etc.

He's been out 2 times, and I've been out for almost 4 years, with my probation ending in 2 months. Both times he was back in within months on new cases. Somehow it would be easier for me too, if it was one stretch, not someone going back again and again. He's killing his number, out in 5 months with no parole.

Any advice on how to write him without being all stressed out and depressed for days? Its like I have prison ptsd for days afterwords.

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by trashisfree

I did 6 months, most of it with Gary, who I still care about. But every time I have to write him, I am stressed out and depressed for days. It would be easier for me to write someone I didn't do time with personally.

It was pretty miserable for me, major knee problems with no clue what was wrong, the worst food I have ever seen for someone who is a pretty hardcore foodie, no internet, used to living comfortably. Plus still grieving from my wife dying of asthma, which was how I got busted and went to prison for drugs.

It really doesn't help too that he is always bugging me to bug his friend for money. I have gotten to be good friends with his one super responsible friend, have done some occasional work for his friend etc.

He's been out 2 times, and I've been out for almost 4 years, with my probation ending in 2 months. Both times he was back in within months on new cases. Somehow it would be easier for me too, if it was one stretch, not someone going back again and again. He's killing his number, out in 5 months with no parole.

Any advice on how to write him without being all stressed out and depressed for days? Its like I have prison ptsd for days afterwords.

I am happy to hear you have moved on and changed your life, since serving your time.

I suggest you write your old cellie and speak from your heart (I know men don't do that shit), but you need to share with him how you feel about the fact that he has not changed his ways. Just, share what has been going on in your life, and how you have turned things around for yourself. Be honest with him and maybe he needs to hear from you, that you are doing well. Who knows, you may be his inspiration to turn his own life around. He may not have anyone that supports him, even though he is being stupid.

Sometimes people need extra support and to know that no matter how many times they **ck up, they can make something out of themselves, and especially from someone who has done time.

One thing you have to remember is, you are not responsible for what happens to him and his life, so allowing this to depress you is not necessary. If you come from a compassionate place, you may find that you do not have the feelings you mentioned.

I hope you are able to write that letter and that he is receptive to you. Hell, he may be an inspiration to you in some way. People come into our lives for a reason. And, there may be one thing you say in your letter that makes a difference in his life. I say go for it!!

Peace~

[Real Checker]

Originally Posted by InmateLover67

One thing you have to remember is, you are not responsible for what happens to him and his life, so allowing this to depress you is not necessary.

Trashisfree, I wasn't going to respond to this thread at first but the above response confirmed that I should give you pause to consider something that you need to be aware of. There is a stark difference between genuine compassion and codependency. You need to really consider which you are.

[Nickel Timer]

Good cellies really do make all the difference in there, so I can understand how one can become so attached when one parts.

I had a lot of shitty cellies before I lucked out and landed with Vern. Lived with him for close to a year during my final (fifth) year down, left him all my remaining food and property (hot pot, pillows, fan) the day I got released.

When you write, try to just focus on the positive. Help him count his time down, remind him he's a "short-timer", ask him what his plans are once he gets out. Don't focus so much on yourself and how nice it is to be free while he's still stuck in there, just focus on him and what his big plans are when he finally gets out himself. If he needs help finding a place to live or reconnecting with family, you can be his conduit.

Just the fact that he's topping out his sentence means he has a better shot at staying out of trouble with no parole officer breathing down his neck and violating him for petty shit. That's why both my cellie and myself decided to top our sentences out, and we haven't been in trouble in over 3 years running.

Look at it this way: in 5 months, he'll be out and so busy he probably won't even remember to call you very often at all. Just try to lend an ear, knowing that once he gets out you probably won't hear from him much at all any more once he goes his separate way.