New At This

[malivice26]

I discovered this website last night and began to read through the forums. It helps some to know that I'm not the only person in the world that is feeling this way.

Last August my girlfriend was arrested and accused of 1st degree possession of a forged instrument (counterfeit money). I know that she is innocent of these charges, because I live with her, I have known her since we were 16, and many other reasons. She was released the same day on bond. One of the conditions of the bond was that she take a random mandatory drug test once a week and pay 20 dollars for it (even though she has never been convicted of drug use and this was not a drug related charge). Once her workplace found out about this, they fired her. She has been unable to find a job since then, because every time she applies to a job and they do a background check, it shows that she has a pending felony. I have paid for her drug test every single week since she lost her job, which is a lot of money considering the fact that we have already lost half of our monthly income. She was a nursing student at the time, and excelled in all her classes. She flunked out last semester because she was too worried about going to jail to do her homework or study for tests. We are too poor to afford an attorney and got stuck with a useless public defender.
I am also a college student, and have struggled through my classes because I have been working extra hours to pick up the slack in our financial situation. I honestly don't understand how this could have happened, or what she or I deserved to be placed in this situation. I may sound like a petulant child, but it's just not fair! We were working so hard to build a great life together, to be able to provide a better life for her children (she has two). This is the woman that I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. We were so close to overstepping the boundaries of poverty and have something to show for ourselves, and now they have taken everything away from us, everything! I try to talk to friends and coworkers about this, but no one seems to understand or care.
The pretrial people called her for a drug test one day last week, and she missed the phone call. They have been calling at her aunt's house because we don't have a home phone, but they also had her cell phone. Her aunt was at work at the time that they called, but they didn't both to leave a message. She called pretrial on monday to find out why they hadn't called her last week for a drug test. They told her that she had missed it, but that she could come down the next day at 11 a.m. to take a makeup drug test. She hasn't missed a single test since August, and it is now April. When she showed up at the courthouse to take the test, they arrested her on the spot. She's been in jail for three days now; three day since I've seen her, which is longer than we've been apart since we first got together over two years ago. Her lawyer said she has a chance to get out May 4th, if her bond hearing goes well. If not, she will be in jail until her trial at the end of June, and that's if she's found innocent of the charge. If found guilty, god knows how long she will be in there for a Class C felony. If she's convicted of a felony, she will never be able to get a good job and will certainly not be able to finish the nursing program (she was giving a second chance to start back this fall).
The funny thing is, I graduate from college on May 4th. It took me years to finally go to college (I'm 29), and I have looked forward to this day for so many years. Now, it doesn't even seem to matter. If she doesn't get out that day, I have no intention of going to my own graduation. I have a lot of final projects to do, and I can't bring myself to work on them. It doesn't matter now.
A friend of mine set me up with a paper route running late at night a few weeks ago, and I gave it to her because she asked for it so that she could feel like she was contributing and to help me out. I've been doing it all this week, on top of working full time at my other job, on top of trying to finish up college, on top of trying to take care of her kids. I am completely and utterly exhausted, and it's not gonna stop. I have to have both jobs in order to keep our house and everything that we own.
I don't know how I'm supposed to do all of this. She did so much for me, and for this house, more than I ever realized. I never knew how completely I was dependent on her until a couple of days ago.
I am so full of anger, so full of rage, at what they have done to us. I have been a law abiding citizen all of my life and I can't understand why I am being punished, why WE are being punished. I miss her more than words can say. I feel like there's this huge, gaping hole inside of me. I walk through the day empty, like some kind of zombie. I'm only getting about four hours of sleep a night with both jobs. I've set up this thing with my bank account to where she can call anytime she wants, at the outrageous charge of $7.20 a pop. She calls me at a set time every night so that I can know to be home and that she can talk to her children. Tonight she didn't call even though she was supposed to, and I am sick with worry. If something happened I wouldn't even know about it!
I've been with her every night for over two years, and now I don't know how to sleep without her. I've been sleeping on the couch because I can't bare sleeping in the bed.
If I knew for sure that she was getting out on May 4th and that this thing would be over with, I could live with it. I could pretend she was on vacation or a business trip. I gave her every dime I had for commissary. When I talked to her on the phone last night she told me all the things that she had bought with it, basic necessities and little things like mountain dew, but she sounded so happy about it. It broke my heart. I promised that I would always protect her, always keep her safe from harm, and now the "justice" system of this redneck town has made a liar out of me. If this is a sign of things to come, if she is found guilty, then I don't think that I want to be alive any longer. All my hard work, everything we have done with our lives for the last two years, means absolutely nothing. There is nothing I can do to help her, and I feel so freaking powerless.

[Joamy2007]

Im so sorry for everything ur going thru. I will pray for the lord to protect her && to give you calmness && the kids understanding. I kno its hard && you feel empty but u have to be strong for her. Its hard for them && they dont want us to worry so they put up a guard to make us feel content, so in return we gotta put the same mask on. Iv been in a similar position where things are goin great && at the peak of ur success u fall && have to start all ovr. Iv been at the bottom of the barrell but I wont stay down for long && neithr will u. God tests us all everyday && even tho the doors are closing in; they will open wider. May u keep ur head high && be patient; things will eventually get better

[RLF5400]

I can feel your pain. Though I'm at the other end of the employment issue... My girl of two years was taken away like the Love of your life!... She didn't want to waste my money to hire a real attorney.. And said the court appointed lawyer she was assigned was as good as any lawyer I could pay for... Over my objections,, this bean head convinced her to plead guilty to a fifth degree felony. All she wanted was to get this behind her,,,, and get on with our lives. And like your girl,, my girlfriend was turning the corner to success... He insisted,, and promised her,, that she'd only receive at most,, three years of probation.... My heart stopped beating when the judge sentenced her to prison for six months,, along with three years of community control,,, then had her remanded. When I heard the click of the handcuffs by the Sheriff,, I fainted in disbelief... I felt my world collapsed around me.. And have been feeling guilty ever since.. And trying to pick up the pieces. Hired two lawyers to take care of the fragments left behind... And with this Felony charge,, she'll never be able to get a good job. Even McDonalds in our area won't hire a felon...

The justice system is totally broken,, and stacked against you.. My best advice to you is to make sure that you finish up what ever it'd take to get your degree... And do what ever it may take to hire the best lawyer in town. You'll be dollars ahead.. The public Pretenders are only there because they cannot get a real job. And the court appointed lawyers,, get paid $500.00 or so,, and don't give a hoot! They just want to spend the least amount of time in court,, take on a vast amount of cases. And make money on volume...

Some people come in our lives,,
And leave foot prints in our hearts...

[Olderthanmost]

I understand and I am sorry! One day, we are going along living a normal (?) life and then all at once, things start spinning out of control! When they start spinning, it seems like they will never stop. But they will! Believe me, they will. It is such a tribute to her and the life that you share, for you to step up and try to do everything that you can! I hope that you can go to your graduation ceremony. You have worked hard and you need to feel rewarded for that. I am standing outside and I see good things in your future! I just believe that she will be home soon and y'all can go back to being a good, hard working family. A happy family. She has to be so proud of you for "holding down the fort". I am glad that you found PTO! It helps! People here understand what you are going thru! Be encouraged. It won't always be this way!

[missingdee]

Woah man, okay, I feel you on everything, I feel you on EVERYTHING. It absolutely sucks what you're going through. But don't start popping off about how all the work you've done and she's done the last 2 years mean nothing. The court can decide matters of law but it can't determine what your efforts have been worth.

And even hinting at the idea of not being able to go on living? I'm a big lost as far as what you're saying about her kids, but my impression is that they're another man's kids. By the sounds of it though you've taken on a father-like role in their lives. You know, I've got two kids of my own, they're not with Dee, they're with a different woman who, while I have some differences of opinion with, I'm fortunate that she's a very good mother to our children. I won't go into all of the details and her and I don't see eye-to-eye, but those kids are amazing and those kids need their father, so I am trying to do what I can do to be a better father. As for your girl and her kids, her kids need to have someone there who loves and cares about them. Now I don't know who's kids they are for sure, but if they're with you, if you're contributing to raising them, then they're going to need you, especially if their mother is in. And that's no small task for a man who isn't even 30 yet (I just turned 30 myself, I can relate to being 29, it wasn't that long ago,) and suddenly finds himself facing down responsibilities far beyond what he probably imagined he'd ever face down. So on the helpless feelings, I get it. On being frustrated, I get it. I fully hope for your sake that on May 4th that she gets to go home with you, and maybe even for good. I don't know the kind of time she's looking at if convicted, but hopefully if she is convicted it won't be that much. Even one day is too many, but you do what you can.

Accept that your situation is not normal. Be okay with telling yourself that it sucks even. But ultimately, rise above it. RISE. ABOVE. IT.

But not being able to go on living? Come on man, you might have done it with her, you might have even done it for her, but throwing away your efforts just because she might do a bid, just because she's in now, just because the situation got messed up? That's B.S. man. She wouldn't want you to do that. Her kids need you NOT to do that.

Please come here and talk to us. Get whatever support you've got to get. Lean on friends. Focus on those kids. Force your head to tune her out long enough to get through those school projects. Don't throw away everything you've worked on and the results of every effort you made just because b.s. has happened to her. They've taken away your ability to be there for her now, they've relinquished the power. You've still got to make the efforts to get through, because when she's in she's going to need you to be the strong one. There are going to be nights where you sit up and wonder if you could have done something different to prevent this from happening and where you're going to worry that they've shack'd her up with a serial killer or something, and it does no good. You've got to be able to get your rest, get through the day, and be there for her when the opportunities present themselves. Life will go on even if she does a bid. Your life with her, by the sounds of it, will go on even if she does a bid. I hate to stereotype here man, and you're welcome to express the helpless feelings, but man, you can't be talking about not being able to go on if she does a bid. It's just time. If you love her, if you want to be there for her, you need to get past having those sorts of thoughts and get back to working on the things you can control - finishing those school projects and making a better future for yourself, for her, for those kids. At the same time, you have to come to terms with the idea that there is only so much you can do with her.

You're both in my prayers. I hope for a positive result, and you need to talk, feel free, any time, to PM me. But please. Don't you dare, even for one second, even THINK about ending your life or giving up on anything good coming of it just because of this.

-E

[Cara1947]

Welcome to PTO. It's safe here. And folks REALLY understand because we walk the road also.

Positive energy being directed to you and yours. You CAN do what has to be done. Many of us have found that we're much stronger than we would have ever thought.

((HUG))