Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

anilom0514 · #1 05-02-2012, 04:47 PM

You all have been sooooo incredibly helpful and supportive. thank you. I might be banned so as you will be tired of hearing from me, im sure. But, as you all know, there really is no place else for us to turn to.

I know i cant go into specifics, but i have so many questions. My son's lawyer said everything is up in the air until we know more, but he is working on it. Meanwhile, Im here spending so much time googling and trying to find answers, that will really never be found. I know everyone and every state is different.

But I have questions and i just wonder things like... The lawyer said that when they take them into custody and write the charges they throw everything at them that they can in expectations that there will be negotiations and charges dropped. How true is this. Anyone have experience.

Also, do they ever take the childs age into consideration? Hes only 19. I hear everyone say he could get 3 months to 20 years! 20 years, he will have no life. He has to be accountable and will be, but it just tears me up, he had a good job and was enrolled for college. Anyway, my son has had a hard time sleeping and his mind is racing a mile a minute. He normally doesnt take any medication even when hes sick. He talked to the nurse today for an evaluation who said she would prescribe zoloft. He said to her "i have to just call my mom first and let her know to see if she thinks its okay"! I mean, this is a 19 year old, the youngest in the section. She took his hand and tried to comfort him because he started getting upset.

My questions are all over eh? Do they consider the childs age when sentencing. Nobody was hurt, apparently just a punch or two. And, is there a good chance to get charges dropped a bit if you have a lawyer. And, will life ever be normal again? haha I bet nobody can answer that one! Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support.

**fbopnomore** · #2 05-02-2012, 05:56 PM

I know you will worry, but trying to find out what might happen, like a 20 year sentence, will drive you crazy. Not knowing is definitely the hardest part, but let his attorney do his/her job, which is to find the best possible outcome for your son. As soon as the lawyer knows the probable outcome, you both will have a much better idea of what he will be facing.

Since he is having such a difficult time too, he should listen to his medical professionals and do what they prescribe. It serves no purpose if his physical or mental health worsen because of the stress he is facing.

Try to be optimistic. Even though nothing is guaranteed, a person's age, his accomplishments and good citizenship, plus the actual harm caused by his actions can often be considered by the court in deciding his punishment.

1bird2 · #3 05-02-2012, 06:25 PM

We all know all about the questions....so VERY many of them!!! I agree totally with fbopnomore....and yes, the unknowns are just the worst....and the waiting!!! I'm thankful that no one was injured...and no weapon is very good....concentrate on the positives right now....I DO KNOW HOW DIFFICULT that is.....just try.
I also think meds might be good for him since he is having such a rough go of it. I'm MOST THANKFUL that he was blessed with a compassionate nurse!!! That is awesome!
I do see that many of the charges are trumped up initially....and it does have bargaining power....I see it everyday in our local newspaper...how 1 charge sticks and several are dismissed....so remain hopeful!!
Hang in there, breathe deeeeep breaths and remain calm....you will get yourself all worked up about things you have no control over if you don't work at staying as calm as you can.
I am praying...REALLY. I think everyone of us know the misery and confussion you feel....and the anxiety....it will pass and things will settle down....I am praying that you have more info SOON.....
take a long bath, take a walk, and stay in CLOSE CONTACT with the attorney.
Much love and MANY PRAYERS.....you both will make it through this nightmare....you will....and I am praying for the best outcome!!!!
XXOO

anilom0514 · #4 05-02-2012, 06:39 PM

Thank you thank you thank both so much for your reply. I to am praying for all of you and your children. I have been since I found this. That they are all blessed with the strength to get through this and meet compassionate understanding people along the way. And strength for us to keep it together to be able to help our children.

Yes, if he feels he wants to take the medication, thats fine. I cannot imagine what his head is going through. We both are going through this in our own ways and both feeling real heavy hearts. I am so thankful to that nurse who reached out for him. She even pulled out photographs to show him of her younger children and they were talking about my sons girlfriend (who is studying to be a doctor) and things. I was so greatful that he was able to feel that the world isnt against him and that there are kind people who are not so judgemental and have some understanding. I guess its just a mother thing. He did sound much better when I talked to him so at least its one evening i can rest without crying too much.

1bird2 · #5 05-02-2012, 07:32 PM

That a girl!!! Let the good be good....and being thankful lightens the heart!!! I'm thankful that your son sounds better....and therefore, you sound better!!! Nothing like a good night's rest!! I'm SURE you could use one!!!
Sweet dreams,
love and prayers,
XXOO

**sidewalker** · #6 05-02-2012, 08:00 PM

I can see your very concerned. I would be as well.
I too have sons, and one is just a bit older than yours.
You worry. You cant help it.

things WILL settle. Its the in between part that stinks.
Just try to take care of you right now.
He will be fine.
visit when you can. dont read the newspapers.

the unknowns suck. lol.
Just try not to let your mind take over with the *what ifs*

and ....
big big hugs ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

spiffy-heart · #7 05-02-2012, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anilom0514

Thank you thank you thank both so much for your reply. I to am praying for all of you and your children. I have been since I found this. That they are all blessed with the strength to get through this and meet compassionate understanding people along the way. And strength for us to keep it together to be able to help our children.

Yes, if he feels he wants to take the medication, thats fine. I cannot imagine what his head is going through. We both are going through this in our own ways and both feeling real heavy hearts. I am so thankful to that nurse who reached out for him. She even pulled out photographs to show him of her younger children and they were talking about my sons girlfriend (who is studying to be a doctor) and things. I was so greatful that he was able to feel that the world isnt against him and that there are kind people who are not so judgemental and have some understanding. I guess its just a mother thing. He did sound much better when I talked to him so at least its one evening i can rest without crying too much.

I'm new here, but Zoloft is a pretty good drug. I think they should put it in the water :-). At least me, and my family have been helped by it. My boy is 44, first/ONLY problem he's ever had! He's looking at 85% of an 18yr conviction, because it's considered a "violent" offense. His life is REALLY over! Yet, I am amazed, granted, it's only been three months, just how well he seems to be doing! Unless he's keeping stuff from me, he's keeping spirits up, seems healthy, and is already a trustee at his new facility. He's doing a clerks job, and has been asked to teach an adult reading class! I'm not so sure that it won't be harder...in some ways....whenever he does get out!

My gosh, he's accruing $1400.00 per month child support payments, that will have to be paid! BUT...anilom, when it's YOUR kid, it ALL hurts! You are probably doing all you can, it sounds! Just let him know, that if he doesnt like the way the meds make him feel, to tell the nurse about it. Did the nurse prescribe the med. I was wondering about that?

Ricks Mom

gachristy · #8 05-03-2012, 12:08 AM

Yes, they really slap them with every charge they can at first, like an above post, it's a bargaining tool. My husband was looking at 10-15 years, he got 5. I got dragged into this with him, they tried to say I was a co-conspirator,(because I was his wife and I had to know what he was doing..theft) so charged me with conspiracy. At first they said I was looking at 3 years, I did 2 months. That of course seemed like forever for me, but when I looked around at women that got 12-20 years, I felt pretty fortunate.

He will calm down, it's really scary at first, but he'll find someone he can talk to and will be ok.

Good luck to you!

sleepless in Tu · #9 05-03-2012, 10:44 AM

My daughter was 19.The Judge didn't factor her age into sentencing at all.This was the !st time she had been in trouble too.Even the attorney said to her "My gosh,You have had 18 and a half years with nothing and then within 48 hours you get 4 felony counts?"With the plea bargain some counts were dismissed.Once she was at the prison ,her young age counted against her as it increased her risk number assignment.The unknown before contact and visits was awful.PTO and the PWCIP helped so much with support and answers.My daughter had to give 2weeks notice at work so she could go to prison.I"m sorry this has happened.I hope coming here helps during this very heart breaking stressful time.

alexsci · #10 05-03-2012, 01:42 PM

My husband and I also freaked out over what one punch brought in charges especially because our son wasn't the one who punched first. But he was the one who punched last so he and a co-defendent were charged and the person who initiated the punching was not charged because that person sustained an injury. Thank God it was a broken cheek bone, bad enough, but not a brain injury or worse. Our son eventually served 85% of a three year sentence. Prison was an incredible eye opener for him.

The law can be so confusing and so different from one location to another. One county over from us a case like my son's would have gone to probation and not prison. Let your attorney handle things. Try not to troll the internet like I did hunting down similar cases and making myself crazy with what if's.

As things progress there will be a new normal especially as you know more. Once my son agreed to the plea bargain and went to sentencing we seemed to move to the next stage where we could plan our routine around visits, etc. I was very lucky, my coworkers and friends were so supportive. The day before my son was sentenced my co-workers circulated a card and everyone wrote something encouraging for me and for him. Lots of people don't have that kind of support and I still get teary-eyed when I think of it. I came to PTO a lot, sometimes just to read and sometimes to share.

He's out now and trying to move forward. I won't lie, it is difficult but he's determined to make the best of life.

To spiffy-heart.... here in Jersey if someone is incarcerated they can notify the family court and the child support stops accruing while they are locked up. But they must send the letter to the family court it doesn't happen automatically. When they get out the child support starts from that point. Something to look into??

Good luck to you and your family. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to experience.

JerryB2012 · #11 05-05-2012, 04:55 AM

Thank you for posting your situation and what you are going through. I have been up all night and finally found this forum and reading everyone's stories, suggestions, good wishes and information is so extremely comforting. I have a 19 yr old little boy in jail too and as everyone says the unknowns drive you crazy. I hope you and your son find peace as do all of us.

Tracy147 · #12 05-05-2012, 05:51 AM

short and sweet......stop trying to figure this out. What will happen will happen. Nothing you can do at this point. Give it time,

Momma Ann · #13 05-05-2012, 06:02 AM

19 is considered an adult for sentencing-my son was 19 and it made no difference--it can make no difference if they are 16 depending on the crime.

Yes it is absolutely true they through the klitchen sink at them at first. Then you negotiate from there.

spiffy-heart · #14 05-05-2012, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momma Ann

19 is considered an adult for sentencing-my son was 19 and it made no difference--it can make no difference if they are 16 depending on the crime.

Yes it is absolutely true they through the klitchen sink at them at first. Then you negotiate from there.

We have a little boy in our church who at age 13, shot and killed his daddy. Nice family, father ex military, money, suburban lifestyle! What's tragic, is that his older brother, one yr earlier, had committed suicide with a rifle! Now, we have a Mother, who is ALONE, fighting...her life consumed....with trying to get this boy out of adult prisons, because he was tried as an adult! He's now 15, and is just beginning to be put into a juvenile facility! He spent a great deal of his time in adult prisons, in solitaire in order to keep him safe!

I have to remember this...that my situation could be worse! The whole church has surrounded this woman!

moondoggie1 · #15 05-14-2012, 09:22 AM

I haven't been here for awhile--"prison life" has exhausted me--but I read this and had to answer. I'm sure most of us can relate to your post, because the 'unknown' doesn't allow a person a way to plan the next step, or find a coping strategy. I did the same thing you're doing, and asked and googled and searched for some clue of what the outcome could be, and I don't have any regrets. I learned a lot, but the system is such a clumsy, inefficient, mess, that it is not really possible to anticipate with absolute certainty what the outcome will be. My guess (and it truly is only a guess) is, based on what I read in your post, is that they will drop some charges, and the worst case scenario is unlikely. But I mostly wanted to tell you that I did find some peace in understanding--and I don't think there is a short cut in that learning curve. Some people go through the system with an outcome that reflects the charge, serve the time they were intended to serve, and at a security level that matches the offense. As the prisons and the system become more overcrowded and more profitized, while the system itself operates on less funding, the 'unintended consequences' become more common place. Surviving THAT--and learning which battles to choose, who to contact, and what approach might work, requires understanding of what's happening--and so I applaud your trying to learn and understand. There is MUCH I don't know--but I truthfully believe if I could go back to the beginning, my son would never have even had a felony--let alone a prison sentence. I couldn't learn fast enough, but I'm glad you're trying. Knowledge can be painful, but I don't believe it's ever a bad thing. Good luck to both of you.

moondoggie1 · #16 05-14-2012, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spiffy-heart

I'm new here, but Zoloft is a pretty good drug. I think they should put it in the water :-). At least me, and my family have been helped by it. My boy is 44, first/ONLY problem he's ever had! He's looking at 85% of an 18yr conviction, because it's considered a "violent" offense. His life is REALLY over! Yet, I am amazed, granted, it's only been three months, just how well he seems to be doing! Unless he's keeping stuff from me, he's keeping spirits up, seems healthy, and is already a trustee at his new facility. He's doing a clerks job, and has been asked to teach an adult reading class! I'm not so sure that it won't be harder...in some ways....whenever he does get out!

My gosh, he's accruing $1400.00 per month child support payments, that will have to be paid! BUT...anilom, when it's YOUR kid, it ALL hurts! You are probably doing all you can, it sounds! Just let him know, that if he doesnt like the way the meds make him feel, to tell the nurse about it. Did the nurse prescribe the med. I was wondering about that?

Ricks Mom

I'm in Missouri, so the laws may be different here, but I work with a local support group, and the 'child support' issue came up the other night. One of the people that runs the group is a reentry specialist, and she told us that many of the guys that get out have back child support hanging over their heads because they're never told that they can file for a reduction during the time they're in prison, and pay a percentage of their 'state tip', as opposed to racking up endless thousands of dollars. In Missouri, each inmate receives a small amount of money each month (usually between $7.00 and $9.00) to buy whatever necessities they need. If they complete the paperwork (which apparently they're not told about, and they have to request) they can have that money go to their children--and it counts a their full payment for that month. By doing that, they can avoid the risk of being reincarcerated as a result of their inability to make up the missed payments. Our reentry specialist had sought the reentry position, because her husband had spent time in prison. She said that when he was released, they voluntarily made up the back payments that the children would have received, but because he had known to file the paperwork, they were able to do it without the added pressure from a demanding system. Again, I'm in Missouri, but I wanted to share that in case it helps.