Do Our MWI's Mature The Same While Their Doing Their Time?

[moonbaby1111]

I saw a thread in another post somewhere that was talking about how there had been studies about how men got "stuck" around the age they went in to serve their time. Now I am not one for studies-lumping everyone into the same catagory has never been my style. But that statement did make me wonder...wonder is a nice word to use..lol..we already have an age difference which is no biggie but now according to what I read we're gonna add another 10 yrs on...aiighh yii yiii... lol My baby went in when he was 23..oh hell NO lmao I am bein light bout this cuz I'm not worried bout me and mines but I am one curious woman and luv to hear other peoples opinions.. sooo.....where better to come but here and ask the ones that can talk from experience.

So I would like to hear especially from the ladies who have men that have come home after being inside for awhile and of course from everyone that has an opinion what cha think? I know alot of u know ur men better than they know themselves

[tee.dot.q]

I think there is *some* truth to that statement (or study).

In many ways, prison ages a person quickly. Copious amounts of stress will do that to a person. At the same time if a man has spent most of his adult formative years in the system, it's likely that he will go through some growing pains once he gets home. He has not had the opportunity to go through the same life experiences as a free man has and to think that there is not going to be any "catch up" required is probably not reasonable.

I also think it depends on how mature a man was once he went into the system. Age can be an indicator but not always. By the age of 23 I had lived on my own for several years, been married and divorced and was already starting to establish my career. Other folks at the age of 23 have never been out from under their parents.

It's something that I have discussed with my babe quite a bit over the years - he went in at 25 but like me, had been through a lot of "life experience" by that time. He had lived independently, had a serious relationship and a full time job so he at minimum has had some experience in adult living.

Like most things, different people react differently to the same circumstances. I think being reasonable and being flexible enough to understand there might be some adjustment period is the best way to prepare yourself for this possibility

Great topic!

[passionpersian]

I can defintely see how that theory holds some truth for a lot of men. BUT, at the same time, there are many men who take advantage of the time they're incarcerated and use it to grow their minds. Books, writing, art, etc, and of course, we help tremendously.

Again, there are gonna be men who go in and stay boys and come out and learn basically nothing, but I think we can spot that a mile away. One of my pen pals I can tell is like that. It's sad, but that's how it is for him.

MY man, though, he's the one who has grown and developed more during his incarceration.

[MissVal1920]

I do agree to a point and is a discussion my husband and I often have. He has officially been incarcerated longer than he's been alive. The DOC raised him. The great thing about him, and probably many other men (as probably was not reflective in the study) is that once a deficiency is acknowledged, IF they are motivated to, will work to change that. My husband knows he is very immature in some of his life experiences (never paid a bill or held a "real" job) the only serious relationships he had were while incarcerated. However, over the years, he's worked hard to normalize his growth development as much as one can from behind bars. He reads, took life skills classes, got his GED, and also teaches and mentors others. He feels some of his views on life are warped or immature but we build through it and I try to get him to see the bigger picture in 2012. I would say it makes a big difference if the incarcerated person has a good outside support system to assist with his maturity as opposed to only having other COs, counselors, and inmates as his only measuring stick.

[SilentVAMom]

My friend and I were talking about this the other day. He said something along the lines of, yes he is 34 but there are some areas in life that he is still 17.

[passionpersian]

And you know, we all know men don't mature as fast as we do.

[hisbabygurl2014]

wow this is a great thread. I havnt talked to my guy about this. Maybe new subject change..lol

[Tjames85]

Like Tee dot said there are things that they simply can't experience inside. However many guys do use their time to mature to the best of their abilities. My man has used his time to get rid of a lot of prejudices he has had. He is always trying to learn life lessons from old schools as he calls them. Its obvious that he has a lot of deficiencies. He can't deal with his emotions in a way more characteristic of a healthy 27 year old man. Dude can't even stay on budget when it comes to commissary so that will be a huge hurdle when he gets out. He knows he has a lot to learn. I am sending him many books and magazines about life management. While he is still 19 in some aspects of his life he is more accepting of learning from others which is a sign of maturity in my book.

[shaunna]

I'm sure that there's some people that definately relate to that study however everyone and every situation is different. My bf went in at 25 and he's since been released from prison and while I didnt know him beforehand, he's definately changed for the better and is definately not acting like he was when he was 25

[tee.dot.q]

There is only so far that learning the principals can take you. That's why doctors, lawyers, engineers, mechanics, chefs (etc, etc, etc) have to go through residencies, internships or some other form of "hands on" training before they are done with their studies.

I'm not saying that a man can't possibly mature while he's locked up but I am saying that like anything else, practice makes perfect. It's highly unlikely that someone will walk out of the prison gates and be at the same level of maturity as someone else of the same age who has had several years head start.

I'm not trying to be a "debbie downer" - I'm in the same boat as everyone else. I have faith in my man that he has matured in some ways (primarily that he has made the conscious decision to adopt a whole new lifestyle) but in other ways I am prepared to be patient with him as he learns the things that books and programs can't teach him.

[FastCarGirl]

My clinical supervisor at the women's prison I started at, told me all these women that come in with drug problems and drug addictions tend to stop maturing around the date they started using. The drugs in essence change their brain chemister and hold them at a more immature age. Their bodies have physically gone through adolescence, but mentally, the're more like in jr. high....and then they go to prison, no more drugs and their brains catch up with their bodies. And when you spend enough time there, watching and observing from the outside, most of the issues tend to be junior high type drama.....even in the some of the mens prisons. They definately have opportunities to learn....but it's still like being a kid while one is in prison, they are always told what to do and when, if they blow off their job and don't go to work, the might get a ticket, but they don't run the risk of losing their housing, like would happen in the real world when we blow off our job and can't pay our bills.

So there's definately something to that perception.

[curegirl]

When I saw the title, my first thought was that some of them never mature. When my ex came out after almost ten years, he referred to himself as a "baby". I was like dude you're 33! That's not a baby anymore. I don't know if they get "stuck", but they miss out on so much. They sit in there and think about all they're going to do. When they get out, things aren't as easy or as fun as they had imagined. We've all had things that we've looked forward to that somehow let us down. A dance, a birthday, a party, etc. Now, imagine looking forward to something for years. They build it up so much in their heads. "When I get out, I'm gonna get this car or that motorcycle or this house or those clothes, etc." Then, they get out and nothing is how they made it in their heads. Mine wanted to party every night. I didn't. Mine wanted to run and gun. I was tired after working and going to school full time. Mine considered certain jobs beneath him and wouldn't even apply (McDonald's, convenience store, etc.) Some men don't grow up.

BTW, I wasn't a MWI. In his letters, he always wrote about wanting a quiet "normal" life and taking care of his kids and working wherever he could get hired. Etc. Etc. He talked a good game, but his actions didn't back it up. My advice to anyone about any relationship is take what they say with a grain of salt, it's what they do that really tells you what you need to know.

[Patty]

There are numerous factors that relate to maturity and growth. Even where incarceration is not a factor one can recognize differences in adults raised in the same environment; in some cases in the same household, who are at completely different levels of maturity.

I once dated a man 7 years old than me who had not and from what I hear all these years later still has not chosen to conduct himself in a manner befitting a man of his age and experience. He's never been incarcerated though.

I have known women who are not unlike the men we have discussed, so I suppose we can't let them off the hook either.