Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

lilma110687 · #1 05-06-2012, 02:05 PM

I met my ex while he was incarcerated and he gave me the story about how he wanted to change. Now, when I look back there were so many red flags. He went to the hole a few times, was extremely controlling of me, expected me to sit and wait by the phone and if I missed his call I was usually busy at work but he would accuse me of cheating. Anyway, Needless to say, he got out and off paper. Once he was off paper, he started sleeping with numerous girls, calling me names...like b**ch....using drugs. He even put his hands on me a few times. Anyway, now I look back and I think I had a lot of red flags. So, now trying to date again and not get back into a relationship like that, are there things that you guys have seen that are "red flags" or things that you have seen in people that are good signs. Thanks for your help

Olderthanmost · #2 05-06-2012, 02:20 PM

I am so glad that you walked away!

Lesson learned, right? It's sad that you had to go thru this but it has made you a stronger, wiser person! If you start seeing the same red flags go up in a new relationship, walk away! Now, you know what to look for! I wish happiness for you and that you will meet someone who will treat you right and give you the respect that you deserve!

lilma110687 · #3 05-06-2012, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olderthanmost

I am so glad that you walked away!

Lesson learned, right? It's sad that you had to go thru this but it has made you a stronger, wiser person! If you start seeing the same red flags go up in a new relationship, walk away! Now, you know what to look for! I wish happiness for you and that you will meet someone who will treat you right and give you the respect that you deserve!

Thank you I appreciate that. It wasn't easy to walk away. I just can't believe how blind I was...that's what scares me the most. I think I am a smart girl for the most part.

Mrs.taylor2011 · #4 05-06-2012, 02:46 PM

im proud of u being strong and walking away,its takes a strong woman to walk away and your one of them,,his lost the next good man gain

Tela · #5 05-06-2012, 02:49 PM

Hmmmm..you know I can honestly say I havent experienced any "red flags", ive been with my dude for almost a year and from day 1 he has kept it 100 with me and I with him...HE flew me out to Cali where I met most of his family ..stayed with his mom..who shared stories of him and gave me information on my babees character as a person which was,parellal to my impression of him, my fiance not only tells me he loves me BUT shows it..if there is anything I need whether its a bill or emotional support he will go to the ends of the earth to resolve it..he even went so far in the BEGINNING to call his bm ( who is married with children) to just lay it all out there to relieve me from having any doubt as to who he is as a man AND provider and she confirmed that "i got a good one". So I believe when u enter into these types of relationships you MUST go into them with your eyes wide open, in search of exactly who ur dealing with AND pay attention... IF U DO SAID THINGS YOU WILL KNOW if the inmates intentions are honorable OR self-serving...im so sorry you had such a bad experience but im POSITIVE that the Love of your life is out there waiting to meet your aquaintance.

Sheryl P. · #6 05-06-2012, 03:05 PM

It never hurts to call the local women's shelter and ask who they would suggest you do conseling with.
They can teach you the things to look for that are waring signs in a relationship so it does not get to the point where anyone lays hands on you.That is a huge

I am sure there are some great books out there the ladies on here can suggest ,if that is not an option for you.
I would say trying to control you is a huge red flag!

stneotser · #7 05-06-2012, 03:50 PM

I'm really sorry that happened, but glad you learned from the experience.

hisbabygurl2014 · #8 05-12-2012, 12:25 AM

Mine was never controlling if he was than stuff would really hit the fan..lol A red flags i have noticed with mine was he say he said was an arist even though he NEVER drew anything in his life..lol And adopting your personality even though he was never something like that. He was very cocky- For good reason because he was good looking but his other mister wasnt your average...infact he couldnt treach mister average LMAO And thats why he could never be with one women because he was statisfying his lack of there of.....lol

No More Tears · #9 05-12-2012, 12:42 AM

I'm not good with Red Flags. I tend to be a risk taker on some things. All that I can say is "Keep your eyes wide open." But even in doing so, you may miss something. Praying to God to lead you in the right direction will help you to foresee the flags or overcome the obstacles when you cannot see them.

countryzgirl · #10 05-12-2012, 12:55 AM

I think the red flags you learn to see are actually within in you. Do you find yourself drawn to men that you feel need help? Are they misguided, misunderstood, and emotionally unavailable? Do you feel you can rescue them with the power and example of your love and patience? Are you trying to fix things, make it right, walking on eggshells, analyzing him, showing/guiding him to a better life? These are all huge red flags that you are engaging in codependent behavior. I think it is important to explore your end of the equation so you can identify the behaviors that led you to find and stay with a man like him. The book Codependent No More might be very helpful to you - it was for me.
Good luck!

skellerton · #11 05-12-2012, 11:50 AM

RED FLAGS:

He told me a story and I believed him without any proof or waiting for it.

He was controlling and expecting me to be ready whenever he wanted me, and I made myself available and never noticed that little by little, I got used to it, let it go, and it became MY HABIT.

He was in the hole A FEW TIMES and it didn't occur to me that this is NOT A SIGN OF CHANGE, but a sign that something is really off here.. and I ignored it.

He got out and called me disrespectful names and cheated on me with other women and I still found myself caring about him and having a hard time cutting him off.

Wanting to date again and still not sure what to look for.

I mean no disrespect here, but for your own sake: look in the mirror and do not even think about dating again until you can see where the truth lies!

Rachel C · #12 05-12-2012, 02:03 PM

Follow your inner intuition, it won't lead you astray. If something feels off to you than it probably is, pay attention to it. You're more than likely attracted to a man being the dominant one in the relationship. That's ok ( I am like that) but sometimes its hard for us to tell the difference b/w dominance and control freak. Control freaks wants everything his way and you're never right or you might feel like you have no voice in your day to day life. That in itself is abuse and you dont have to live like that.
For myself and I can't speak for everyone but I like men who respects me as an individual, someone who i can go to about my problems and will offer there advice and guidance but at the end of the day will let me decide on how to handle the problem. I want a man that will not have to subject me to ridicule and shame even when I'm wrong. Will love me unconditionally and likes the idea of us being in an equal partnership.
I hope you meet mr right in your near future , I'm just sorry your ex wasn't him. Good luck girly.

joshgirl4ever · #13 05-14-2012, 08:51 PM

Red flag

They are the victim of everything that has gone wrong in there life. If it at first they seem to have every single thing in common with you. They attach quickly and fall in love almost instantly. I know some people seem to fall in love right away but the truth is it takes time to fall in love. All the feelings in the beginning are lust and infatuation. Real love doesnt just happen over night. There actions and words dont go hand and hand. YOUR GUT FEELING IS SOMETHING TO NEVER IGNORE. If you pay close attention to others and there methods you will see them for who they really are. People tend to tell on themselves without realizing they are telling on themselves. If they are controlling in anyways or make you feel bad for things like not being able to answer your phone walk away. If you didnt answer your phone for like a few days than I would see him being upset but if you are working and cant pick up thats way different. Get some counseling because it is hard to trust again after someone has attempted to control you. It confuses your mind and emotions in a way that is hard to understand until you talk to someone who does understand and can point out why you think, act and feel the way you do.

lilma110687 · #14 05-20-2012, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by countryzgirl

I think the red flags you learn to see are actually within in you. Do you find yourself drawn to men that you feel need help? Are they misguided, misunderstood, and emotionally unavailable? Do you feel you can rescue them with the power and example of your love and patience? Are you trying to fix things, make it right, walking on eggshells, analyzing him, showing/guiding him to a better life? These are all huge red flags that you are engaging in codependent behavior. I think it is important to explore your end of the equation so you can identify the behaviors that led you to find and stay with a man like him. The book Codependent No More might be very helpful to you - it was for me.
Good luck!

Yes I agree with you and my dad actually gave me that book

MzDarknLovely31 · #15 05-22-2012, 07:39 PM

One. Whenever things are ok between us he would write his last name next to my name on his letters and put that he loved our baby and draw a heart, but, whenever we fight he wouldn’t mention her at all, no heart and no his last name next to my first name: Letting me know its all his way or nothing at all.

Two. He lied to me on several occasions and some lies he was caught in bragged bout it, he threw other things in my face that hurt me as well whenever we fought. Whether it be things from the past or present, anything to make me feel bad when he was the one in the wrong for something. Emotional blackmail to get me to feel I was the one wrong and owed it to him to prove I’m worthy of him.

Three. His goals for when he comes home fluctuated. None of them seemed set in stone, all over the place, some unrealistic. A lot of times mentioning hanging in the same crowds or doing the same behavior before he went in. He hadn't changed

Four. He wanted me to have beaucoup preparations for him when he got home without having proven anything to me and our child first out of the gate. Always talked of he bets Im going to get tired of doing for him and how long you gonna do this and that for me? What all you gonna do for me? but never continuously expressed what he will do for me in return. Wanted something for nothing, a place to post up and a wifey without real hard work/commitment. A duck.

Five. Referred to a lot of things as “I” meaning him, often times had to quickly correct himself and say “us” or “we”. I was disposable to him basically the minute he gets on his feet.

Six. A lot of the letters he wrote sounded all the same, just same words mixed around. Every single letter said to me he promises/swears Im the ONLY one he wants, like he was trying to convince himself or me. For years thats been in every letter where he wasn't pissed. Some letters sounded identical to the ones I’d just sent as if he was going off what I wanted to hear.

Seven. Letters would get short and few more than one occasion, he told me he wasn’t writing anyone else only for him to admit to me he had and then find out on accident he was also. If he lied about that, what else did he lie about?

Eight. Told me to my face child support makes no sense and I may as well close it because it doesn’t do anything in raising the child. Tried to coerce me into believing child support was something unnecessary. Not ready to be a real father.

Nine. Didn’t truly take up for our child when his other baby mama called her out of her name. No loyalty. Plain disgusting.

Ten. Would ask me if his other baby mama was still in town and ask me how do I know she still wants him as if he doesn’t care but his way of saying things and wanting to know lead me to believe he really did care what she wanted from him other than their kid. Trying to have cake and eat it too. Not over her

Eleven. Didn’t want to get back together until after his other baby mama wanted nothing to do with him. She left him to be with someone else early on in his joce and he started writing me. If she had stuck around would he have done that? Hmm.

Twelve. Admitted to me that early in our re-united relationship he tried to patch things up with her. She declined. Lucky for him, he had his fallback girl on deck huh? (me)

Thirteen. Never really took initiative to ask to speak to our daughter on the phone unless I complained about it. Whenever Id three way him with his other child when I had him he would sound excited to talk to him versus monotone to talk to our daughter. Again showed whr his loyalty truly lied.

Fourteen. When we took pictures at visitation he would never look happy, he looked truly happy in TWO of our pic out of 12 that was the day I took our daughter and on my very first visit, every single other one he looked just plain and when accused he said how was he supposed to look, "gay" and smile ear to ear (you’d think I make him feel that automatically *shrug*). Actions speak louder than non action.

Fifteen. Would get angry if I didn’t answer the phone right away or if I missed a call. Constantly accused me of cheating or doing him wrong. Would get angry for me tending to our child in the background or answering a friends question or having tv too loud. Wanted to be my whole universe, to hell with kids, friends, fam or a personal life. Control.

Sixteen. Mentioned wanting to do things sexually that I felt uncomfortable with, even after I told him I wouldn’t want to still tried to coerce me. Things no respectable possible wife material to a man woman would do. Disrespect.

Seventeen. Most conversations were only sexual, all of them the same. Would get on the phone not even ask how our child was doing and ask me to have phone sex, if I said wait til our baby was sleep, he'd get angry and threaten to find someone who would be willing to do it but say he was jokin'. Again trying to bully me into acting right when he wanted me to.

Eighteen. Complaining if I couldn’t afford minutes or to come out and visit on the day he wanted me to. Would angrily ask me what have I been doing with my own money when I would mention things being tight. Would accuse me of not knowing how to handle money that he’s not out here helping me with. Would tell me he didn't have money on store or that his family didn't send any, only for me to find out they did. Told me for the longest he didn't have stamps at certain times for me to find out later every inmate gets two free stamps and two free envelopes a month if no funds on account. Liar. Selfish.

Nineteen . Criticized my parenting skills calling me weak saying I wasn’t hard enough on our child, saying he was going to have her hating him when he gets home because he’s going to do certain things that would upset her on purpose (why would you want to use that parental tactic and with a toddler is beyond me). The first visit they had he kept asking her if he could be her boyfriend, when she said yes because she didn't understand the question he said that she was easy. I didn't take that joke too kindly. Worried if I can trust him with our child.

Twenty . Would bait me emotionally to come back by threatening to find or having someone else only to continue to try and call and get me back hours later. Say things that will truly hurt deep to the core to draw me in even if its with an argument. You shouldn’t want to hurt the woman you love purposely for any reason. Playing mind games.

Twenty One . Was disobeying rules in prison, had been put in the hole more than once along with several write ups for things like smoking synthetic weed and admitted to me to flirting with female co’s to get items brought in for him and flirting with “store” attendants to get extra items. How can you obey rules outside if you are not doing it inside?

Twenty Two. Always told me when we fight to expect our daughter to only get child support that he’s not gonna pay, he’s gonna be about his son and not our daughter, that he has a woman this whole time or will have one or more, that there are other women out there who look better than me and have more money than me that want him, that the only thing I have going for me is Im good in bed, that Im jealous of his other baby mama because he has mad love for her and not for me, would call me every name in the book only to come back a day later and say he didn't mean it…it goes on and on.

Twenty Four . MUCH AS I WANT TO BLAME HIM ITS MAINLY ON ME...THINKING SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING BUT HURT ME COULD EVER ALL OF A SUDDEN LOVE ME AND THE DAUGHTER HE NEGLECTED JUST BECAUSE HE’S IN PRISON. NOT ALL MEN IN PRISON ARE DOGS, THERE ARE PLENTY OF THOSE OUT HERE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN IN JAIL BREAKING HEARTS....SO WHEN ANYONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE THE FIRST TIME FREE OR BEHIND PRISON WALLS, BELIEVE EM! Peace to all.