Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Europeanbabe · #1 05-08-2012, 09:56 AM

Hello Ladies,
I am hoping one of you can maybe knock some sense into me, sigh. I will make a long story short. Me and my husband met back when we were 17 now we are both 21, he is getting out in 2016 and he has been in and out since I knew him. Well lately I have been resentful towards the hubby. I originally went to school for Criminal Justice and now I can just take that degree and shove it because it's useless, really. Also it's not just that I feel so tired of this life lately. I think I want to leave him but I can't, same guilt trip after another. He has no family, no friends and no place to go, literally nothing. His dad is in prison too. He always tells me if he didn't have me he has nothing to live for, how am I supposed to leave him? It's not that I don't love him, I really do, but last time he did a year and got out and messed up really bad and really broke my heart, he never cheated on me or hurt my physically but emotionally he destroyed me more than once, we are both young and I am just confused and don't really know what to do. Last night was my final straw really I mean he was gambling again and lost the money and the money that he owes to now is this guy whos uncle works in the same prison and he told him to pay up or else kind of deal so I had to give him my gas money, sigh. I am tired, any advise will be helpful just go easy on me, I am already suffering. Thanks.

InmateLover67 · #2 05-08-2012, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Europeanbabe

Hello Ladies,
I am hoping one of you can maybe knock some sense into me, sigh. I will make a long story short. Me and my husband met back when we were 17 now we are both 21, he is getting out in 2016 and he has been in and out since I knew him. Well lately I have been resentful towards the hubby. I originally went to school for Criminal Justice and now I can just take that degree and shove it because it's useless, really. Also it's not just that I feel so tired of this life lately. I think I want to leave him but I can't, same guilt trip after another. He has no family, no friends and no place to go, literally nothing. His dad is in prison too. He always tells me if he didn't have me he has nothing to live for, how am I supposed to leave him? It's not that I don't love him, I really do, but last time he did a year and got out and messed up really bad and really broke my heart, he never cheated on me or hurt my physically but emotionally he destroyed me more than once, we are both young and I am just confused and don't really know what to do. Last night was my final straw really I mean he was gambling again and lost the money and the money that he owes to now is this guy whos uncle works in the same prison and he told him to pay up or else kind of deal so I had to give him my gas money, sigh. I am tired, any advise will be helpful just go easy on me, I am already suffering. Thanks.

Hun, this is not an easy road, young or old. You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Just because you have a degree in CJ does not mean you cannot work somewhere in the field. Don't give that up yet.

It sounds to me like your husband is not bettering himself, but rather contining the lifestyle he has always had. This is the only life he knows, in and out of the system. He more than likely will not change his ways.

If you are seeing no effort on his part to change his life around, I would suggest you take steps to improve/change for your future. It does not sound like this is going to be a successful one with him. You have put your life on hold in hopes that he would change, he has not.

You cannot love him into wanting a different lifestyle. He tells you you are all he has, because you put up with his bullshit, day in and day out. It is time for you to decide if you want to continue to see him fall down. He has nobody, because he has not proven that he is worth trusting or changing.

Please, take some time to think about what you want for your future, because you are in charge of it. Nobody can live your life but you, and you deserve a good healthy life with a man that wants to do right and be there for you.

He will survive without you...I am sorry to say that, but this is about you, not him. If you are not happy and having your needs fulfilled, then by all means get out. Do not feel guilty for wanting more out of your life. You have tried to be there for him and he is not receptive to change.

I hope that you can get right with your heart. Stand up for yourself and do what is going to make you happy. Tell him you have done all that you can to love and support him, only to have him screw up, and you cannot do this any longer. It is going to hurt, but you must take your life back and start living it.

I wish you the very best!

Peace~

elaine21lady · #3 05-08-2012, 12:33 PM

Inmatelover67 I so agree with you everything u said cant be said any better,u got to do what's best for u listen to everything that was stated above but I wish u the best

skellerton · #4 05-08-2012, 07:23 PM

Where will this relationship bring you? If you are there for how it feels, then you could end up with a boatload of heartache. Everything, including relationships, has to grow, or it will get stagnant and die. Do you want to sacrifice your future for the "high" you feel today?

If, in your heart of hearts, you know it is bad, then you need to remember that temptation resisted is a true measure of character. BE YOU, GIRL.

Europeanbabe · #5 05-09-2012, 09:25 AM

Thanks everyone for such meaningful advice, I tried talking to him last night on the phone saying I don't see him changing and I don't want to be there for the same bullshit and he was of course keeps saying his favorite line, fine leave then I knew this time was getting to you, I knew you were going to walk away sooner or later. In all reality it's nothing like that, I am not trying to walk away because of time but because this seems to be a never changing routine, I love him more than anything in this world and he is the only family I have as well but I just can't let him bring me down, I already given up so much for him, this just sucks I don't see why he can't just change.

Rachel C · #6 05-09-2012, 09:35 AM

I have to agree with inmatelover 100%. You need to take the time right now to concentrate on you. I'm not saying run off tomorrow and start the divorce proceedings but you have to take care of you first, plain and simple. You have to build yourself up to be stronger so you can stand up to him. All he's doing right now is knocking you down piece by piece. Wishing you all the best.

LeavinglasVegas · #7 05-09-2012, 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Europeanbabe

Thanks everyone for such meaningful advice, I tried talking to him last night on the phone saying I don't see him changing and I don't want to be there for the same bullshit and he was of course keeps saying his favorite line, fine leave then I knew this time was getting to you, I knew you were going to walk away sooner or later. In all reality it's nothing like that, I am not trying to walk away because of time but because this seems to be a never changing routine, I love him more than anything in this world and he is the only family I have as well but I just can't let him bring me down, I already given up so much for him, this just sucks I don't see why he can't just change.

You said his favorite line is, "fine leave then I knew this time was getting to you, I knew you were going to walk away sooner or later."

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a guilt trip. And it's working. For now. Clearly, you have a big heart and in all probability he is capitalizing on it. I don't believe he is helping his 'case' by using the I knew you were going to walk tactics. Every woman in this forum has to make the initial decision to stay or go. Whether it be conscious thought or unconscious deliberation some may not even admit to. No matter who this man is and how solid a relationship, I would think one of the first thoughts in their heads is losing the woman they love. Let's all be honest here. It's a mighty tall order in an otherwise short life. A life now to be lived without even seeing the man you have given your heart to. Speaking with him face-to-face, intimacy...normalcy.

I think he's screwing up with you, and definitely not helping his cause. He could have gone the other route and told you, "I will change. FOR YOU. I love you forever. Please, please give me another chance, etc." If you were to stick with him based upon those words, he would have a chance to prove himself to you during the coming months/years and you would have made your decision based on genuine love and hope for a future with the potential of a happily ever after ending.

However, using his current method of operation he is forcing you to make a decision contingent upon guilt and possible shame for not standing by your man. I could be wrong, and please accept my apology if I am. But nowhere did I read he pledged to make an effort to change--whether sincerely meaning it, or complete BS. Still, no words of redemption. Forgiveness. To me, that is a recipe for some major resentment down the road--especially without a commitment to better himself. FOR YOU. That he will fight for your love. A love he is damn lucky to have found in the first place. A realization he is on the precipice of losing it and you forever.

Please don't stay with him out of guilt. Yes, sometimes that line gets fuzzy during this whole experience. However, you are young. You sound like a strong women. Even being in this forum is a demonstration the caliber of woman you are, because in my experience not many would have the strength to even contemplate traveling this road. Such a no-brainer most if not all think. Hmphh...if never faced with this kind of decision, a woman just couldn't imagine, could they.

Take a chance on his love only if you believe he's truly willing to give it back 100%. Only time will tell (and I pray not too much) if he's sincere and gets real with you and gets off the guilt trip with your name at the top of the itinerary, and he stops for ten seconds to realize all YOU have at stake here. He made his choices about himself and risked his future. It's all about you and what you need right now and the years to come. Guilt...you don't have that kind of time. Who TF does.

Good luck. You're a woman of substance and I know you will find the right answer. Whatever it is, it will be the right one.

mrsp17985 · #8 05-09-2012, 11:40 AM

Do NOT feel bad leaving chica ! You do what you have to. When I first began this ride I wld be negative to the girls I knew that wld "Fall off '' but now....shiiiit I ain't even mad at ya ! I understand 100% ,all of do to some point. The only real difference is we all have different levels off of f**k it . Ya knw ,so if your there luv ,just smile and live your life the best u can out here for him . I'm sure he was luck and blessed to have had u .

**sidewalker** · #9 05-10-2012, 09:11 AM

seems like your giving and giving and giving but getting not much in return.
It seems that he wont change, so unless you like him like he is, I'd be exiting stage left.
Its not all about him in a relationship. Its about YOU too.
For him it seems like its only a one way road. To him.

mrs.marks · #10 05-10-2012, 06:41 PM

Don't let him guilt you into staying. I've been in your shoes, except my ex wasn't in prison. He just guilted me into staying with him for 4 years. You don't have to be miserable. It is not your fault he is in prison. So the fact that he has nothing is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Perhaps if he had stayed out of trouble he might have more. You obviously have tried to make something of yourself, you have a degree. You deserve better, you deserve more. I'm all for giving someone a chance to change, but it doesn't really seem like he wants to. Either way, I hope everything works out for you in a way that makes you happy.

pisces317 · #11 05-11-2012, 07:42 AM

your too young to waste time on someone who's in prison breaking the rules,stop thinking your with a kid who has no one HE HAS HIS SELF AND THATS ENOUGH FOR MOST OF US AND WE GET BY,SOMETIMES WHEN WE LOVE WE TEND TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR GROWN PPL WHO'VE GROWN IN AGE NOT IN COMMON SENSE AND RESPONSIBILITY,HE'S YOUR MAN NOT YOUR CHILD STOP THINKING HE'LL BE ANYMORE MESSED UP THEN HE ALREADY IS,CAUSE IF IN PRISON HE'S GAMBLING AND NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING POSITIVE LIKE GO TO SCHOOL,AS FOR YOU DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF WHILE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME ON A BOI WHO'S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO DO RIGHT FOR HIMSELF LET ALONE YOU,SWEETIE YOUR YOUNG THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET FIND SOMETHING AND SOMEONE ELSE TO DEDICATE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME WE CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD AND THOSE WHO WONT TRY AND HELP THEMSELVES

Europeanbabe · #12 05-11-2012, 08:43 AM

Thank you ladies for all your support, I really do appreciate it. Its hard enough for me to pay mortgage and bills and work at this law office as a paralegal all I get is stress from him. He did enroll in ged class like 4 separate times but he always drops out cuz its too hard and he can't do it, I even sent him books to help. Sigh. I mean it can't be this hard to get your ged and last night he made a statement that I walk all over him and he can't do anything right now for me cuz he is locked but he promises that he LL be changed once he gets out, sounds like bunch of bs to me.

countryzgirl · #13 05-11-2012, 12:50 PM

He's not going to change. Take a good look at who he is NOW and decide if you even like him. It's important to accept this man as is - not who you think he can be, who he really is deep down, who you hope he will be, who you want/need him to be.
Your love, guidance, patience, discussions, etc will not make him "get it". Imagine if he were trying to lead you torwards being more like him --You're a paralegal so you are obviously very mindful of reaching educational goals, deadlines, professional/personal responsibility. Imagine if he was nudging you to ignore filing dates, tell your bosses to go ahead and fire you, blow off finishing continuing ed courses for the fourth time....it wouldn't work, right? You are who you are. Well, same goes for him. He is who he is. Take it or leave it, Hon but you'll wear yourself ragged if you keep trying to fix someone other than yourself. Good luck!

hisbabygurl2014 · #14 05-11-2012, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pisces317

your too young to waste time on someone who's in prison breaking the rules,stop thinking your with a kid who has no one HE HAS HIS SELF AND THATS ENOUGH FOR MOST OF US AND WE GET BY,SOMETIMES WHEN WE LOVE WE TEND TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR GROWN PPL WHO'VE GROWN IN AGE NOT IN COMMON SENSE AND RESPONSIBILITY,HE'S YOUR MAN NOT YOUR CHILD STOP THINKING HE'LL BE ANYMORE MESSED UP THEN HE ALREADY IS,CAUSE IF IN PRISON HE'S GAMBLING AND NOT TRYING TO DO ANYTHING POSITIVE LIKE GO TO SCHOOL,AS FOR YOU DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF WHILE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME ON A BOI WHO'S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO DO RIGHT FOR HIMSELF LET ALONE YOU,SWEETIE YOUR YOUNG THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET FIND SOMETHING AND SOMEONE ELSE TO DEDICATE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME WE CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD AND THOSE WHO WONT TRY AND HELP THEMSELVES

I love what you have to say-you speak from experience and pain...But please can you stop using caps because when i read your post i get a headache from reading it cus you are yelling!! LOL

Any ways for the PO you should listen to your gut and for once do something that makes you happy. All relationship should be recipical not just one way, and it seems like he is not doing that for you.

Sneakypooh · #15 05-11-2012, 02:39 PM

Well first of all you shouldnt have to give up your gas money to get him out of debt....that was a careless move on his behalf and you had to pay for it, literally. It seems to me that you have a good head on your shoulders but he's bringing you down just a little bit. If it were me, I'd tell him the only way we can continue to be together is if he proves hes willing to change for the better of his marriage. On the other hand they say husband and wives are supposed to be together through thick and then so really think hard before you make your move and be 100% sure youre making the right decision in whatever decision you make. Good luck to the both of you. I pray that all works out in your favor.