He broke up with me after 3 1/2 years - I need your support, ladies!

[GermanGirl_28]

My (ex-)boyfriend and I started out as MWI, we were officially together after one year of writing each other pretty much every day, phone calls, visits etc. I used to live in Chicago back then and he was in KY/VA. Then I had to move back to my home country Germany, which means that we have been having a long distance relationship since October 2009. Due to the distance, lack of money and some other circumstances I was only able to visit him again in April 2011. It was a long time, but we made it work and being with him during those days was the highlight of my year. We've been writing everyday, I have been supporting him financially, we were just making this whole thing work. We even talked about getting married and how we would get me back to the US so that we could finally be closer to each other and have a "normal" life as a couple. I am not gonna lie, we were having a long and difficult road ahead of us, but I strongly believe that somehow things would have worked out. I was planning to visit him again in July for two weekends and I even have my flight booked already. I was so much looking forward to this time with him!

This morning I got an email from him. He ended our relationship. This was a few hours ago and I am still in shock. He is MY LOVE, MY LIFE, MY EVERYTHING. I can't even imagine what it is like to be without him.

Here is what he wrote to me:

there comes a point in a mans life when he has to step up to his responsibilities and do the right thing no matter how hard it is or who gets hurt.
the truth of the matter is that you and I are both fighting a losing battle and living in a fantasy world. you've invested way too much into something that is just holding you back from something bigger and better and it makes me sick to be the one with the rope in my hands. I know that you'd probably put up a pretty good argument and say that it's an investment but I can promise you that it's not. you're literally wasting you life away bc of me and in the end your prize will be an old man, no children, no grand children, an estranged family, and a lost life, and I wont be a party to it, I love you too much for that.
I've been selfish to hold on for so long and keep your life on pause... and this is not a negotiation or a decision that you can argue, I've made up my mind and every day that goes by makes it harder on the both of us.
what hurts the most is knowing that our dreams will never com true and this is the way my life has to be behind these walls, but this is something that I'm going to have to do alone and not drag someone through it with me...
most men in here would probably tell me I'm crazy for this bc you are a very good , solid girlfriend but this goes beyond me and is about something more than my feelings and my life.. this is about doing what's right and not just thinking about what's right but actually standing up and making sure that it's done.. you might not think too much of me for it today but one day you will look back on it and you will see that I was doing this for you bc it had to be done.
knowing you , you're sitting there thinking it has something to do with how you look or something you said, or your personality or a million other things that have nothing at all to do with the truth... but I can assure you that this is all about me wanting something more for you than this.
after today I don't want you to send me anymore money or help me out in any way shape or form. I want you to stay focused and I want you to start living your life '' today '' . I want you to get over this and move on and in the end I want you to be happy!! you might not see that happening in the near future but I can promise you that you will be and in turn that's going to make me happy as well so if you truly love me can you please do that for me ???
like I said b4, this is not a debate, this is the way it has to be and this is the way it's going to be and if it doesn't happen now I'm never going to forgive myself for the rest of my life... so please don't argue with me about this..
I know this is all going to be hard for you to swallow..it was really hard for me to write but I know it my heart that it's the right thing to do.. know that I will always love you and I really hope that you wont hate me for ending things like this but if I don't do it you will never have all the things that you want in life and I'm not going to be the piece of shit that does that to you... I hope you understand and I really hope you don't hate me for too long..

I know him and he is very determined once he has made up his mind. There is no argument I can come up with that will change his mind. He thinks he is doing this for me and because he thinks it's the best for me.

Ladies, I desperately need your support right now! What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to respond to this????

[Abraann]

Ugh that's tough. I feel for you reading that myself. But it's like you said you know him and how he is. Maybe give him a little time. There's nothing anyone can say or do that will make this easier on you. Time is the aloe to all wounds.

[hisbabygurl2014]

WOW, I am really sorry girl!! I dont know what to say, but my heart goes out to you. I hope everything works out best for you.

[hisbabyny]

is the problem he feels he has too much time left on his bid and doesnt want you to waste your life waiting? i know you said you have had it rough and being long distance' but if it was just the distance' couldnt that had been decided that you would move near him permanently? im just a little confused but it sounds like he feels you would just miss out on life cause he has a very long time to do? if thats the case then i dont know maybe you should really consider what he is saying
if it was the distance i would say' that then you could make a priority to talk to him about moving to be near him?
he does sound like he loves you but it also sounds like he doesnt want to take life away from you' how much longer does he have?

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by hisbabyny

is the problem he feels he has too much time left on his bid and doesnt want you to waste your life waiting? i know you said you have had it rough and being long distance' but if it was just the distance' couldnt that had been decided that you would move near him permanently? im just a little confused but it sounds like he feels you would just miss out on life cause he has a very long time to do? if thats the case then i dont know maybe you should really consider what he is saying
if it was the distance i would say' that then you could make a priority to talk to him about moving to be near him?
he does sound like he loves you but it also sounds like he doesnt want to take life away from you' how much longer does he have?

He has 20 years left. And the plan all along was for me to move back to be with him... We were in the process of figuring out how to get it done.

[hisbabyny]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

He has 20 years left. And the plan all along was for me to move back to be with him... We were in the process of figuring out how to get it done.

i know i certainly would be devastated if i got such a letter and be heartbroken im so sorry. i really think its his way of being noble and him loving you. did you feel you wanted to give up all those things to be with him? the kids , grandkids and sharing a life out here with someone? i do think you should have a say' cause its your life too, but dont know if he'll listen cause he said he made up his mind? whats meant to be will be' but did you understand what you would be sacrificing? maybe he felt you didnt' so he loved you enough to make the choice for you? im sure your in shock and pain but if you can try to think that no matter what even if you end up staying with him' i think his intention was out of love to step aside....to not let you sacrifice all you would.

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

My (ex-)boyfriend and I started out as MWI, we were officially together after one year of writing each other pretty much every day, phone calls, visits etc. I used to live in Chicago back then and he was in KY/VA. Then I had to move back to my home country Germany, which means that we have been having a long distance relationship since October 2009. Due to the distance, lack of money and some other circumstances I was only able to visit him again in April 2011. It was a long time, but we made it work and being with him during those days was the highlight of my year. We've been writing everyday, I have been supporting him financially, we were just making this whole thing work. We even talked about getting married and how we would get me back to the US so that we could finally be closer to each other and have a "normal" life as a couple. I am not gonna lie, we were having a long and difficult road ahead of us, but I strongly believe that somehow things would have worked out. I was planning to visit him again in July for two weekends and I even have my flight booked already. I was so much looking forward to this time with him!

This morning I got an email from him. He ended our relationship. This was a few hours ago and I am still in shock. He is MY LOVE, MY LIFE, MY EVERYTHING. I can't even imagine what it is like to be without him.

Here is what he wrote to me:

there comes a point in a mans life when he has to step up to his responsibilities and do the right thing no matter how hard it is or who gets hurt.
the truth of the matter is that you and I are both fighting a losing battle and living in a fantasy world. you've invested way too much into something that is just holding you back from something bigger and better and it makes me sick to be the one with the rope in my hands. I know that you'd probably put up a pretty good argument and say that it's an investment but I can promise you that it's not. you're literally wasting you life away bc of me and in the end your prize will be an old man, no children, no grand children, an estranged family, and a lost life, and I wont be a party to it, I love you too much for that.
I've been selfish to hold on for so long and keep your life on pause... and this is not a negotiation or a decision that you can argue, I've made up my mind and every day that goes by makes it harder on the both of us.
what hurts the most is knowing that our dreams will never com true and this is the way my life has to be behind these walls, but this is something that I'm going to have to do alone and not drag someone through it with me...
most men in here would probably tell me I'm crazy for this bc you are a very good , solid girlfriend but this goes beyond me and is about something more than my feelings and my life.. this is about doing what's right and not just thinking about what's right but actually standing up and making sure that it's done.. you might not think too much of me for it today but one day you will look back on it and you will see that I was doing this for you bc it had to be done.
knowing you , you're sitting there thinking it has something to do with how you look or something you said, or your personality or a million other things that have nothing at all to do with the truth... but I can assure you that this is all about me wanting something more for you than this.
after today I don't want you to send me anymore money or help me out in any way shape or form. I want you to stay focused and I want you to start living your life '' today '' . I want you to get over this and move on and in the end I want you to be happy!! you might not see that happening in the near future but I can promise you that you will be and in turn that's going to make me happy as well so if you truly love me can you please do that for me ???
like I said b4, this is not a debate, this is the way it has to be and this is the way it's going to be and if it doesn't happen now I'm never going to forgive myself for the rest of my life... so please don't argue with me about this..
I know this is all going to be hard for you to swallow..it was really hard for me to write but I know it my heart that it's the right thing to do.. know that I will always love you and I really hope that you wont hate me for ending things like this but if I don't do it you will never have all the things that you want in life and I'm not going to be the piece of shit that does that to you... I hope you understand and I really hope you don't hate me for too long..

I know him and he is very determined once he has made up his mind. There is no argument I can come up with that will change his mind. He thinks he is doing this for me and because he thinks it's the best for me.

Ladies, I desperately need your support right now! What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to respond to this????

Wow, this must have taken him some time to put his whole heart and feelings in that email...I am sorry this has happened to you.

I respect him for allowing you to move on with your life. He sees that he cannot provide for you what you deserve, that takes courage and maturity to say what he has said.

Some men, do not want to put their loved ones through a long-term incarceration and feel it is the right thing to do in letting them go. My fiance told me the same thing, in the beginning, but we talked it through and are getting this behind us. Yes, if he had to serve any longer, he would have ceased contact with me, for a while. I am not saying he would not write, but he would never expect me to wait for years for him.

I am sure there is a part of you that is feeling like he may have found someone else, and I am not saying this is not the case, but he seems to be wanting to do what is best for you and your future.

As hard as this is, you must honor his wishes and move on. You have every right to share with him how this has hurt you, but you cannot let it ruin your life. I am going to say this and it may sound harsh, but hun, you have consumed yourself with this man and now he is moving on and you are devistated.

I always suggest that women be confident and independent, because we never know when a relationship could end. It is wonderful to have someone to share our lives with, but we must remain self-reliant and not get codependent on a man.

I am really sorry you are going through this and know that it will take some time for you to heal from this. Please know that everything happens for a reason, even if we do not understand it at the time. You WILL heal and have a man that will be able to provide for you what this man couldn't. I know you do not want to hear this, but I am a no-bullshit kinda lady and you deserve to have everything your heart desires.

I hope that in the near future, you find yourself trusting that there are good things coming your way. Cry, hit, scream, eat, whatever you need to do, do it and get it out of your system, so you can heal. Through pain comes healing

Peace~

[DP's Girl]

I'm really sorry because I know you're hurt but all you can do is respect his wishes. It sounds like he loves you and wants you have all the things you never could with him. Give yourself time to heal and then do exactly what he suggested go out live your life and be happy. I honestly believe what is meant to be will be. If this is the man for you maybe your paths will cross again. If not, when you sit there looking at your beautiful children you'll always have the memories of your love for each other and his selflessness. Sacrificing your wants and desires for someone else is real love.

[pss12]

I am so sorry you're going through this. As I read his email I do believe he geniunely loves you and I do believe that is why he's letting you go. I do think that you should give yourself time before you respond. Evaluate what he is telling you to do and why. Just like he loves you I believe that you love him and when he says he'd never forgive himself....well, I don't think you'd want him to live with that regret either. My heart aches for you. Worst case scenario my BF has 16 yrs left. He told me once that he was thinking of us breaking up and if I was available, we could pick back up when he got out. One of the reasons why I am with him was because he is the answer to all of my prayers. (literally..I ask God for a husband and he always answers with my BF. I eventually quit asking) I told him that it didn't matter if it was now or in 16 years, if God says he's the one for me, then he's he one for me no matter what he and I said. We stayed together and have been as happy as we can be during these circumstances.
I wish your BF was just some scumbag that used you because those are easier to leave with no regrets (go figure), but what he is trying to do is quite honorable no matter how much your heart aches. Take time out for yourself to grieve, do not go to your email every 5 minutes to see if he's written a letter or regret or something. That will just drive you crazy. Best of luck to you *HUGS*

[comptontiffany1]

He wrote it very nicely. My stomach drops & my heart breaks for you. Hang in there (:

[LuvnDee]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you have to think about where he is coming from, like someone stated, do you want to give up so much, 20 years is a long time, to put your life on hold, when you love someone, and I can tell he loves you, he's doing what he feel is best, not trying to hurt you but because he love you. I hope you feel better soon.

[Princess1029]

I am really sorry, that is tough! I am not sure how I would respond.. I mean it sounds like he really has your best interest at heart.

[therogueamerica]

I don't usually post about things of the heart. I can tell that he isn't using you. When I was inside you could see guys playing girls all the time. After 3.5 years you know if the love is true or if you were being used. If it was true then he is trying his best to be a real man, and do the noble thing! This is probably one of the hardest things he has ever done, and it is a selfless act on his part, as he is trying to put you, and your needs, and your future, and your life, first before his own He thinks he knows best and maybe he does. However, you do have a say. You have a ticket so go see him and look him in the eyes and talk to him if that is the decision that you both make then you will have the satisfaction of knowing you loved and lost, rather than having loved and given up! Be bold for your love, but don't be stupid. I can tell you that true love will always find a way. I came home almost 2 years ago to a situation where I was totally destitute, nothing, and no place to go. I am now married to a woman I have loved for over 20 years and am blissfully happy. God will provide, and he will also test us. Remember if it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger. As my 5 children would attest to, my favorite saying and one I came up with is "The choices we make today, will dictate the futures of tomorrow." That is both true and profound if you think about it. Good luck and God Bless you for caring enough to ask for opinions.

[Sheryl P.]

I'm sorry you are facing the loss of the man you love!
I understand his position.
I gave up having children and many things because I love a prisoner.
To be honest,It does hurt at times but I never gave my heart to anyone else.
I don't regret my decison but I can see how you would be giving up a lot of things for someone who may not be able to adjust once they are finally outside of prison walls.
My man has had several problems with life outside of prison when he has been on parole and only time will tell if we make it in four years when he gets another shot at things.
I know it hurts you but he was trying to be loving in a way that few people can be,by letting you go even if it hurts him deeply.
I would cherish that loving act always.
Huggs

[Amanda_UWW]

As hard as it is, maybe you should take his advice. Work on you for a little bit and let him work on him. Then in the future when he is home, maybe you could try again and make your dreams a reality.
I'm sorry this happened! Stay strong, Hun!

Always remember, anything can happen... So don't give up hope.

[caribbeanblue77]

God, girl I just had a deja vu when I read your bfs letter. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. Reading his letter I have the impression that your man is a very sincere and good guy, who cares a lot about you and your life.
We have been there before as well. Since he is serving 2 life sentences without parole we thought there was no need to pretend that we would ever be together in the real world. An important factor was also my wish to have my own family one day. At one point, we decided it would be best to go our separate ways for the above reasons. That was in THEORY. In reality we noticed that we could never be without each other. That it just doesn't feel natural not to be in each others life. I guess that's what you mean when you say "it's just meant to be". I'm glad we realized this quite fast and found our way to stay together.
I hope the two of you can find a solution that is best for the two of you, a solution that can make both of you happy, even if it's against conventions etc.
In our situation there is just not something like black and white when it comes to defining relationship or living relationship. Even though I have my life out here we are closer than ever, our relationship is stronger than ever and I have much more energy and resources to support him in every way.
Positive thoughts your way

[GermanGirl_28]

I still can't wrap my mind around it. I have been crying so much these past two days. It all seems unreal! What should I do? I mean, of course it is not easy to be a prison wife/girlfriend and this life comes with a lot of sarifices, especially if you have 20 years to go and no guarantee that everything will work out once he is home.

My whole future shattered with his email. He was my future. All of my plans involved him as my life partner! Right now it seems as if I have no future without him. What should I do? Should I fight for our relationship and the love we have?

[caribbeanblue77]

I would at least write to him and tell him that you cannot leave his E-mail uncommented and write down everything you think, everything you feel. Then, I would see how and if he reacts. Don't forget, everything that is suppose to happen will happen...
I don't know, this is a tough situation for the both of you...

[hisbabyny]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

I still can't wrap my mind around it. I have been crying so much these past two days. It all seems unreal! What should I do? I mean, of course it is not easy to be a prison wife/girlfriend and this life comes with a lot of sarifices, especially if you have 20 years to go and no guarantee that everything will work out once he is home.

My whole future shattered with his email. He was my future. All of my plans involved him as my life partner! Right now it seems as if I have no future without him. What should I do? Should I fight for our relationship and the love we have?

sweetie' i can just imagine what you're going thru' i'm sure id be crying my eyes out. If you really love him then you have to look deep in your heart and see what you feel is the right path. In the end you have to think about what you feel is most important' and if you feel sure of what you can sacrifice? i would go on that visit in july' and if i felt that i was willing to give up what you would be sacrificing then i would let him know that you have a say in your life also. if its meant to be then so much can happen' it may come a time when somehow a child still is in your life in a way you would not expect? maybe you can even adopt. but i understand that he wants you to have a life. i know anything is possible but you have to really see where you are being led' there are women that has stood by a man with LWOP and somehow these men have end up getting released. miracles happened but i believe they had a faith that guided them to stick with the man against all odds. you'll have to look deep in your heart. others have left and then ended up back with there man after marriage and kids and many years. maybe you can let him know that you will be coming to see him and you want time to really think about it cause its your life also!!!! then see if you believe this is your destiny then you have to fight for it but only you know deepest in your heart what you can live with. and what you can live without? and you still need a life also even if you do stay with him and maybe he sense's you have not been also living a life'
take a deep breathe. keep your faith and strength that you will find the right answer

[OneOfMany]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

My whole future shattered with his email. He was my future. All of my plans involved him as my life partner! Right now it seems as if I have no future without him. What should I do? Should I fight for our relationship and the love we have?

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but it seems your whole sense of existing was based on him.

Develop a sense of yourself, take care of yourself. I'm sure you've had other aspirations before you allowed your life to be consumed by him. So follow them: i.e. write a book, arrange flowers, design interiors, go to law/medical/vocational school, travel to other countries to study other cultures (or for a vacation), donate some time to charity...the list is endless. I'm assuming German is your primary language and English is a secondary...so...learn another one.

Whether this relationship will develop again, we won't know NOW. It will only unfold with time. However, you do have control over what you do for yourself. If your ticket in non-refundable, come to the United States and do something different.

You seem to be a good person so of course the pain in unavoidable. You're allowed the hurt and anger. Then, when you can think more evenly, decide what you're going to do for yourself.

[Jinty62]

I'd say since you have your tickets go and see him and talk to him face to face then take it from there. My opinion anyway.....

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by OneOfMany

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic but it seems your whole sense of existing was based on him.

Develop a sense of yourself, take care of yourself. I'm sure you've had other aspirations before you allowed your life to be consumed by him. So follow them: i.e. write a book, arrange flowers, design interiors, go to law/medical/vocational school, travel to other countries to study other cultures (or for a vacation), donate some time to charity...the list is endless. I'm assuming German is your primary language and English is a secondary...so...learn another one.

Whether this relationship will develop again, we won't know NOW. It will only unfold with time. However, you do have control over what you do for yourself. If your ticket in non-refundable, come to the United States and do something different.

You seem to be a good person so of course the pain in unavoidable. You're allowed the hurt and anger. Then, when you can think more evenly, decide what you're going to do for yourself.

It is true... he is a big part of my life, but I have never stopped living my own life! I travel, I spend time with friends, I am active in my church, I exercise, I take time for myself... I have also spent a lot of time doing things for him, helping him out, writing him, thinking about him, making plans for us... I believe that I do have a sense of who I am as a person. But he somehow completes me. He was always there for me, supporting me, giving me a new perspective, setting me straight when I needed it...

The flight is non-refundable and it is literally breaking my heart to go on this trip for anything but its original purpose. I was planning to be with him on two seperate weekends... Right now I am thinking about asking him to give us at least one weekend to talk about everything. But I am not sure how heartbreaking such a visit could end up being. I mean... 9 more weeks to go and all I was looking forward to after 1 year and 3 months were his kisses and his arms around me. And now...????

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

I still can't wrap my mind around it. I have been crying so much these past two days. It all seems unreal! What should I do? I mean, of course it is not easy to be a prison wife/girlfriend and this life comes with a lot of sarifices, especially if you have 20 years to go and no guarantee that everything will work out once he is home.

My whole future shattered with his email. He was my future. All of my plans involved him as my life partner! Right now it seems as if I have no future without him. What should I do? Should I fight for our relationship and the love we have?

No, you should not fight, because he has made it clear that he wants you to move on, so you need to do just that.

Realize he is NOT the man you will have a future with and not respecting his wishes will only cause you more pain.

Pick yourself up and start the healing process.

Peace~

[GermanGirl_28]

Originally Posted by hisbabyny

sweetie' i can just imagine what you're going thru' i'm sure id be crying my eyes out. If you really love him then you have to look deep in your heart and see what you feel is the right path. In the end you have to think about what you feel is most important' and if you feel sure of what you can sacrifice? i would go on that visit in july' and if i felt that i was willing to give up what you would be sacrificing then i would let him know that you have a say in your life also. if its meant to be then so much can happen' it may come a time when somehow a child still is in your life in a way you would not expect? maybe you can even adopt. but i understand that he wants you to have a life. i know anything is possible but you have to really see where you are being led' there are women that has stood by a man with LWOP and somehow these men have end up getting released. miracles happened but i believe they had a faith that guided them to stick with the man against all odds. you'll have to look deep in your heart. others have left and then ended up back with there man after marriage and kids and many years. maybe you can let him know that you will be coming to see him and you want time to really think about it cause its your life also!!!! then see if you believe this is your destiny then you have to fight for it but only you know deepest in your heart what you can live with. and what you can live without? and you still need a life also even if you do stay with him and maybe he sense's you have not been also living a life'
take a deep breathe. keep your faith and strength that you will find the right answer

Thank you for your kind words... this is what I have been trying to figure out all day long! What I am willing to sacrafice and if I can live with it for the rest of my life. You know...ever since we got together it was clear that he was the one to have to let me go if things were to ever end between us.

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by GermanGirl_28

It is true... he is a big part of my life, but I have never stopped living my own life! I travel, I spend time with friends, I am active in my church, I exercise, I take time for myself... I have also spent a lot of time doing things for him, helping him out, writing him, thinking about him, making plans for us... I believe that I do have a sense of who I am as a person. But he somehow completes me. He was always there for me, supporting me, giving me a new perspective, setting me straight when I needed it...

The flight is non-refundable and it is literally breaking my heart to go on this trip for anything but its original purpose. I was planning to be with him on two seperate weekends... Right now I am thinking about asking him to give us at least one weekend to talk about everything. But I am not sure how heartbreaking such a visit could end up being. I mean... 9 more weeks to go and all I was looking forward to after 1 year and 3 months were his kisses and his arms around me. And now...????

My thinking is that you are wanting to have the weekend to talk about things to try and change his mind....he sounds like he has his mind made up, so the visit could end up really crappy.

I say go take some sight-seeing tours with your flight and leave the guy alone...he has asked you to move on.

I know you are hurt, but it is not cool to keep pressing the issue, when he has been more than honest with you about how he is feeling and you are not honoring his feelings or wishes by hanging on.

Peace~